Saturday, January 22, 2011

Flavor Flav to be honored by Ku Klux Klan

After a stellar career in the late 1980s and early '90s as a member of the socio-politically conscious hip-hop group Public Enemy, Flavor "William Jonathan Drayton, Jr." Flav has been on a mission to slowly destroy all that he and Public Enemy frontman, Chuck D, helped build. His work is finally paying off.

With the opening of a fried chicken restaurant and new line of alcoholic beverages, Flav earned the attention of the Ku Klux Klan, who intend to make him the first African-American recipient of its coveted KKK Image Award. When informed of the news, Flav was overheard excitedly shouting "Yeah!" to what is believed to be his son.

"Now, we normally tend to steer clear from his kind," company spokesman Franklin Watson angrily murmured, "but Mr. Flavor's achievements in the field of colored dislikeability can no longer be ignored. Quite honestly, this is long overdue."

Watson made numerous references to Flav's appearances in VH1 reality shows The Surreal Life and Strange Love, and believes that while miscegenation is never a good thing, nothing proved that more than those programs. Watson also expressed great adulation for the Flavor of Love series, because his role as a fear/hate-monger had never been so easy. "I mean, did you ever watch that show?" he asked. "I mean, really watch it?"

Surprisingly, Watson had no comment about Flavor Flav's work in the short-lived, MyNetworkTV sitcom Under One Roof as he had never heard of it.

When asked if he would be attending the ceremony with his former bandmate, Chuck D wrapped himself with a warm blanket and gently sobbed until he fell asleep.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Gotta put it in "print"

Cents are worthless. Sense is priceless.
-Me, 2010-

(I googled it -with quotes!- and it didn't exist. Guess what? That saying is mine.)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Imagine if the Tea Party Was Black

Tim Wise? Beast.

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protester — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

Imagine that white members of Congress, while walking to work, were surrounded by thousands of angry black people, one of whom proceeded to spit on one of those congressmen for not voting the way the black demonstrators desired. Would the protesters be seen as merely patriotic Americans voicing their opinions, or as an angry, potentially violent, and even insurrectionary mob? After all, this is what white Tea Party protesters did recently in Washington.

Imagine that a rap artist were to say, in reference to a white president: “He’s a piece of shit and I told him to suck on my machine gun.” Because that’s what rocker Ted Nugent said recently about President Obama.

Imagine that a prominent mainstream black political commentator had long employed an overt bigot as Executive Director of his organization, and that this bigot regularly participated in black separatist conferences, and once assaulted a white person while calling them by a racial slur. When that prominent black commentator and his sister — who also works for the organization — defended the bigot as a good guy who was misunderstood and “going through a tough time in his life” would anyone accept their excuse-making? Would that commentator still have a place on a mainstream network? Because that’s what happened in the real world, when Pat Buchanan employed as Executive Director of his group, America’s Cause, a blatant racist who did all these things, or at least their white equivalents: attending white separatist conferences and attacking a black woman while calling her the n-word.

Imagine that a black radio host were to suggest that the only way to get promoted in the administration of a white president is by “hating black people,” or that a prominent white person had only endorsed a white presidential candidate as an act of racial bonding, or blamed a white president for a fight on a school bus in which a black kid was jumped by two white kids, or said that he wouldn’t want to kill all conservatives, but rather, would like to leave just enough—“living fossils” as he called them—“so we will never forget what these people stood for.” After all, these are things that Rush Limbaugh has said, about Barack Obama’s administration, Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois in which two black kids beat up a white kid, and about liberals, generally.

Imagine that a black pastor, formerly a member of the U.S. military, were to declare, as part of his opposition to a white president’s policies, that he was ready to “suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do.” This is, after all, what Pastor Stan Craig said recently at a Tea Party rally in Greenville, South Carolina.

Imagine a black radio talk show host gleefully predicting a revolution by people of color if the government continues to be dominated by the rich white men who have been “destroying” the country, or if said radio personality were to call Christians or Jews non-humans, or say that when it came to conservatives, the best solution would be to “hang ‘em high.” And what would happen to any congressional representative who praised that commentator for “speaking common sense” and likened his hate talk to “American values?” After all, those are among the things said by radio host and best-selling author Michael Savage, predicting white revolution in the face of multiculturalism, or said by Savage about Muslims and liberals, respectively. And it was Congressman Culbertson, from Texas, who praised Savage in that way, despite his hateful rhetoric.

Imagine a black political commentator suggesting that the only thing the guy who flew his plane into the Austin, Texas IRS building did wrong was not blowing up Fox News instead. This is, after all, what Anne Coulter said about Tim McVeigh, when she noted that his only mistake was not blowing up the New York Times.

Imagine that a popular black liberal website posted comments about the daughter of a white president, calling her “typical redneck trash,” or a “whore” whose mother entertains her by “making monkey sounds.” After all that’s comparable to what conservatives posted about Malia Obama on freerepublic.com last year, when they referred to her as “ghetto trash.”

Imagine that black protesters at a large political rally were walking around with signs calling for the lynching of their congressional enemies. Because that’s what white conservatives did last year, in reference to Democratic party leaders in Congress.

In other words, imagine that even one-third of the anger and vitriol currently being hurled at President Obama, by folks who are almost exclusively white, were being aimed, instead, at a white president, by people of color. How many whites viewing the anger, the hatred, the contempt for that white president would then wax eloquent about free speech, and the glories of democracy? And how many would be calling for further crackdowns on thuggish behavior, and investigations into the radical agendas of those same people of color?

To ask any of these questions is to answer them. Protest is only seen as fundamentally American when those who have long had the luxury of seeing themselves as prototypically American engage in it. When the dangerous and dark “other” does so, however, it isn’t viewed as normal or natural, let alone patriotic. Which is why Rush Limbaugh could say, this past week, that the Tea Parties are the first time since the Civil War that ordinary, common Americans stood up for their rights: a statement that erases the normalcy and “American-ness” of blacks in the civil rights struggle, not to mention women in the fight for suffrage and equality, working people in the fight for better working conditions, and LGBT folks as they struggle to be treated as full and equal human beings.

And this, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the shit we do, on a daily basis.

Game Over.

Tim Wise is among the most prominent anti-racist writers and activists in the U.S. Wise has spoken in 48 states, on over 400 college campuses, and to community groups around the nation. Wise has provided anti-racism training to teachers nationwide, and has trained physicians and medical industry professionals on how to combat racial inequities in health care. His latest book is called '
Between Barack and a Hard Place.'

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Miley's Magnetism: A Semi-Thorough Analyzation

15:
I start at 15, because I only became aware of Miley Cyrus when she was 15. She had a show on the Disney Channel with the "Achy Breaky Heart" guy, where she'd put on a blond wig and nobody could recognize her. Turns out, she was that guy's daughter. Weird.

Anyway, she was quickly becoming a sensation and pictures of a young woman discovering her sexuality soon made her a topic of conversation. Whether the photos were posted online by hackers, friends, or publicists doesn't concern me; what's troubling is that people were shocked to discover that a 15-year-old girl wanted to feel sexy. Did everybody suddenly forget what it was to be a teenager? Or was it just odd to see that online - a generational gap?

Now, not knowing what it is to be sexy, I can imagine it felt pretty good as there were plenty of these photos to go around. But relatively speaking, respect was paid. The most you could get out of somebody was that Miley was a cute girl, who may or may not have made a mistake keeping these pictures around. She was sweet, pure, and you couldn't get away with saying you'd nail her.

16:
Hannah Montana was in full effect and Miley was touring, dazzling foreigners worldwide. Domestically, an ever-increasing number of fathers became vastly more interested in what their teen and pre-teen daughters were watching on television. Weird.

During these golden Miley months, Miley, had she wanted to, could've slutted her way across the globe, as 16 is considered legal bonin' age in many saner countries. But she was still, by and large, America's wholesome sweetheart. Middle America applauded as she proudly placed a purity ring upon her hand, all while noticing that young Miley was starting to look a lot more like an adult. Translation: "She's pretty hot. How old is she again?"

It was about this time I saw a Disney Channel Radio billboard during a trip between my hometown and my university town. The large picture of Miley Cyrus had, what I can only describe as, "Fuck me" eyes. Although they'd never admit it, Disney had begun to sell her as a sexual icon. But not to teens. The billboard, I assume, was meant to provoke a conversation that would go thusly...

Little girl in car: Daddy, Daddy! Look! Turn to Disney Radio!
Father: What, honey?
Little girl: Look! Miley Cyrus! (points at billboard) Turn to the Disney Channel!
Father: (upon noticing and becoming confused in the giant "Fuck me" eyes of an attractive, young, billboarded teen, whom he may or may not recognize) Uhh... Ok.

Disney was subliminally selling her sexuality and doing it cleverly enough as to not interfere with her already imbedded vestal image. Well done, gentlemen. I'm sure you padded your pockets for years to come with that one. However, you still couldn't publicly state that you'd fuck her, but it was something you'd joke about with your friends on a regular basis.

17:
Miley Cyrus publicly wore this at something called the "MuchMusic Video Awards" in June. (And an even better outfit that some publications won't even fully show.)

The now 17-year-old Miley has routinely been wearing outfits such as this both on and off stage. Again, this isn't necessarily a problem, as a 17-year-old girl in 2010 dresses much differently than the 45-year-olds clamoring about her hedonism on television. Can we really be so indignant toward a young woman for wearing a shirt skirt more than we should be at the low-life photographers aiming their cameras up it? Of course not, it's all just a quest for ratings. But a better question has to be asked.

If a young woman who looks like that, and can dress like that, and can walk around like that, and who, most importantly, knows exactly what she's doing when she's doing that, why is it not okay to say you'd fuck her? Because at this point, I have no qualms about saying I would lay hard pipe to Miley Cyrus. And no one should be made to feel like an outcast or a pervert for saying so. (That sounded way more personal that it was supposed to, by the way. I haven't been made to feel any way, mostly because everyone I know agrees with me. Just wanted to clear that up.)

18:
Many red-blooded, heterosexual males will rejoice when Miley Cyrus turns 18 on (according to Wikipedia) November 23rd, as if they will then have the chance to bang her, or see her in Hustler. I, on the other hand, believe she will have peaked. She'll just become one of the gang on that day, joining the ranks of super hot celebrities I'll never even see, let alone touch. All of the intrigue will be gone.

Therefore, I will enjoy the last few months of bloggers pretending she's a delicate flower, and continue to think I have a shot with her, before she fades into the background of Hollywood. Although I'm not entirely sure what it says about me that I'd rather sex up Miley while she's technically a minor, you can't deny that you probably feel the same way.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Mmm... Sweet, juicy side-hugs...

Oh, yeah... Oh, keep- Wait! Slow down! No don't-!

Oh, God... I'm sorry, baby, I usually last longer. I swear. It's just that... That was the best fucking Christian side-hug anyone's ever given me.



The question of "What's so absurd it could finally make me post something on this blog?" has been answered. The video above is apparently real, and taken from this conference. When, I haven't the foggiest, but I don't think that's important. Where do I start with this...

1) They don't want you to give/receive normal hugs to/from friends and neighbors, but they don't have a problem with a priest giving you a front-hug? Not sure about this one...

2) If they're trying to be street -which I assume is what they're aiming for, although it may be the "street" of 1995- wouldn't you think they'd try to avoid a phrase like "rough rider" without completely understanding it? The phrase, "I'm a rough rider, filled up with Christ's love" has a very different meaning in a "street" context.

3) When did hugging become such a sexual act? Have I missed this? I hug my grandma and grandpa at Thanksgiving, but it doesn't mean I want to fuck them.

4) How condescending can you possibly fucking be? You're trying to lure kids into your warped version of Christianity with a rap song? Absurd and disingenuous. Hugs are bad, but the sounds of police sirens and gunshots, which are insinuations of violence and murder, are a-okay for a supposedly Christian concert?

5) Do you see how embarrassed the black guy in the background is?! Hahahaha! I figure someone asked him to come on stage for a minute, and now once he's realized why they wanted him up there -so that a bunch of lame white guys can imitate black guys without seeming racist- he's so pissed off that he's just contemplating his revenge.

6) You know they're fucking those dancers...

7) Mark 10: 13-16 - "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." If hugging is so sinful and wrong, just what exactly are you saying about Jesus?

8) No Christian rap act is any good. So stop it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Hark! What ho!

Look at this miserable, murdering fuck of a man. "But wait a minute, Alex, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for Columbus. You can't judge if you don't know the real story." Well, guess what, you ethnocentric asshole, it just so happens that I do know the real story and the truth is that Columbus was annoying as shit! A total douche! Recently unearthed transcripts reveal the very first conversation between Columbus and the Native Americans. I'd like to share it with you...

Columbus: Hark! What ho! I've just landed in India, land of a million spices! I laugh in the face of those who doubted me! Ha, I say! Haha! Someone, write this down! Everything I'm saying! It shall make for a grand read one day!

Native American Guy: Um, excuse me? Can I help you?

Columbus: Eureka again, I declare! An Indian man with the uncanny ability to understand my hyperbolic interjections and so forth! Bravo!

Native American Guy: Uh, yeah, whatever. Listen, I just came over here to tell you to get off my begonias, man. Seriously, I just planted these things.

Native American Woman: Oooooh... Did you say India earlier? Cause I thought I heard you say India.

Columbus: Hark! And the woman, too?! Certainly Marco Polo has taught them well!

Native American Guy: Hey, who're you shouting at? We're all right here, dude. But yeah, anyway, India... To be honest, you're not even fuckin' close. You wanna go waaaaaaaay the hell that way. But you gotta go south first.

Columbus: Surely you jest, good sir! My navigational skills are top notch!

Native American Woman: Well, you would've been right, if it just hadn't been for, you know, all this land here. But feel free to stock up on supplies if you want, our village is just over there. We got all kinds of food, drink, shelter, smoke - you guys smoke? - anyway, we got it if you want it. We'd love to help out before you shove off again. Where'd you say you guys were from?

Columbus: Now you listen here, savages! I don't want any trouble!

Native American Guy: Whoa! Easy with the "savages" talk, Captain Wonk-Eye! We're trying to help you! I'm sorry if I was coarse with you earlier, but you shouldn't have been on my begonias in the first place!

Columbus: Gentlemen! Bring the guns!

Native American Woman: Guns? What's a guns?

Native American Guy: Don't look at me, maybe it's medicine. All these guys look pretty pale. (to Europeans) You guys need oranges or something? You got the scurvey? Don't worry, it's cool! We got plenty!

Columbus: I've lost many men and I'm not sailing out again. There'd be mutiny! If this isn't India, then do tell, where are we?

Native American Woman: I dunno, we don't really have a name for it. Land? Uh, Mother Earth? I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

Columbus: Could it be?! Have I, Christopher Wedgieston Columbus, discovered a new world?!*

Native American Guy: What're you talking about? You were standing on my begonias 15 seconds ago, you didn't discover a thing. You do see all these people here, right?

Columbus: But have you told the Queen?!

Native American Woman: (thinking aloud) Hmm, I don't think I know a Queen. I can run back and check if there's a Queen here for you. Does he know you're coming?

Columbus: Gentlemen... Attack!

(Rape, murder, genocide, enslavement, robbery, chaos, and the like ensue. Hundreds of years later, ottomans will be cheaper for a short period of time in October.)

*Christopher Columbus's real name according to the transcript.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Old York

Henry Hudson had no imagination. What a dick.