Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Reverse Peephole

It's no "Spygadget" folks; I have done it. I have reversed the peephole on my dorm room door a la Seinfeld. Why would I do such a thing you ask? To prevent an ambush, of course. Now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies. I know that anyone can just look in and see me, but my policy is that I'm comfortable with my body. If someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, I say "Enjoy the show."

The bad thing is that my paranoia will undoubtedly skyrocket and I will probably drive myself crazy ovethinking every single move I make. It's not even that I'm doing unspeakable things in my room, it's just kind of creepy to know that anyone walking by could watch me. It really is hard to notice though and I always have duct tape to place over the peephole. I'm really just more impressed with the fact that I was handy enough to reverse the peephole. It makes me laugh, really for no other reason than the fact that Cosmo did it. (Newman too)

If you care to watch, I am in Wright Quad: Room 16-308. See you soon!

PS - My roommate doesn't know. Haha, how funny is that? I hope he gets caught doing something awful.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Olympics Update XIII

If you're wondering why I haven't been covering the Olympics (which you're not because no one is reading this anyway) it's because I have not been watching the Winter games recently. No one has. In fact, no one has watched since the beginning. The Winter Olympics aren't sexy enough. I'll recap the final weekend.

#1:
In the final medal count, Germany wins. They had 29 overall medals and 11 golds and 12 silvers. The US did finish in second with 25 medals, so I guess it's not that big of a disappointment. Our overrated athletes are to blame, of course, and they should not be let back into the country.

#2:
Bode! Fuck you, buddy! Drunk asshole. You are terrible at life. Just quit now. End it all. Go away. Never come near me or I'll stab you in the heart. You're dead to me.

#3:
My Canadian curling team wins gold! I told you! I get tired of being right all the damn time. The US got third! How's that for awesome?! I'll take a bronze in curling! Curling is going to be the new soccer in the US. I'm calling it right now.

#4:
Haha, Apolo Anton Ohno won a gold medal and I didn't even know about it. Haha, that's how boring the Olympics got, no one even cared about the semi-stars towards the end.

#5:Closing ceremonies! Neato! All the fireworks and stuff! Good job everyone! I guess...

In closing, the Winter Olympics are over and no one has to worry about them for another 4 years. That's a good thing. No terrorist acts, few injuries, and no deaths. (None that i know of anyway.) Goodbye mediocre entertainment! See you in 2010!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Olympics Update XII

Unlucky Day 13. That fact the Friday was the next day didn't help. It was almost Friday the 13th and this is what every American athlete should blame their performance on today. The fact that it was almost the unluckiest day ever.

#1:
The US is alone in second place with 20 medals. Germany is up by 4 and the regulars are tied at 19. We need to get hustling if we expect to take this total medal count. We are the world's dominant power and we can't afford to lose.

#2:The beautfiul and talented Sasha Cohen fell short of her quest to get the gold...literally. She fell on one jump, stumbled on another, and it was all over from there. Some other less important skater from Japan won the gold medal. Look at Sasha, even her disappointed face is adorable. I'd give her a triple lutz any day of the week. Although she only walks away with a silver, I think Sasha has proven more than anything I can think of that the old children's phrase is true. "First is the worst, second is the best." Second is clearly the best in this case and I want Sasha to come to my house so we can fool around.

#3:
Women's curling is over now. It is not as exciting as men's curling because it's women. There are some cases in which the women's version of an event is superior, (Gymnastics, Figure skating, Jello Wrestling) but this is not one of them. Actually, it's kinda the exact same. That's just weird...

#4:
Men's Aerials is totally badass. It's a shame American Jeret Peterson couldn't land "The Hurricane" to win it. Apparently it's the hardest aerial trick ever attempted in the Olympics and given the fact that he didn't fall while landing it, I say he should have at least been given the silver. (He's an American, he doesn't want the bronze.) And why is a Winter Olympics trick called "The Hurricane?" That's just silly if you ask me, a more appropriate name would be "The Blizzard." Am I right? Of course I am.

Curling finals tomorrow! Go Canada!

Olympics Update XI

I'm going to talk about Day 12 a little differently. It gets tedious writing these and I need to keep myself entertained with the Olympics. I'm abandoning the typical "Olympic Update" form and will attempt a little poetry. Here I go...

Germany is still winning while the Austrians are grinning.
They're just happy to have medals.
The US better get on track, our number of medals is certainly a lack.
Thanks to our underachieving athletes.
Women's Aerials was high-flying fun. It was enjoyed by everyone.
Except all the US women who lost.
Lots of other shitty medals were won. Day 12 makes me want to shoot myself with a gun.
Seriously, Day 12 was balls.
Thursday shouldn't be as lame, I want to enjoy the Olympic games!
Sasha Cohen better win. (Or stab someone w/ her skate)
Curling is neat, and totally cool. If you don't watch the gold medal game Friday I'm going to rip your balls off.
No rhyme there, just me being COMPLETELY SERIOUS.
Go Speed Racer Go!
When are the Olympics over?!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Olympics Update X

I couldn't watch Day 11 because I had to watch American Idol. Haha, just kidding! Like I would watch such a dumb show every single time it's on!

#1:
USA back in second place! Tied anyway. 3 away from the Nazies and I'm starting to worry. Hitler isn't around to screw them up anymore like when he declared war on the Russian Olympians so his Olympians had to fight the Olympics on 2 fronts. We need actual talented Olympians.

#2:
Shani Davis (won the silver) and Chad Hedrick (Bronze...ugh!) finally faced off in the Men's 1500m speed skating after crying and whining, then saying they were done talking about it, then talking about it again. Great...now our men speed skaters are turning into whiny, girl-like beings. I guess skates make every guy turn into a homosexual.

#3:
Germany won more biatalon. Haha, that totally figures.

#4:Pretty little Sasha Cohen takes first place in the short program and goes into Thursday's free skate. I'm so proud of her. I bet she's taken so much crap since Kwan decided to puss out. "Ooh...too bad about Kwan, huh? Think the US can still win the gold?" She's a nice girl, so she wouldn't go, "Hey, fuck you! What gold did bitch-ass-crybaby Kwan ever win?! Huh?!" Cause I would have totally done that. She stuck everything and one announcer called her run perfection. I say it's bullshit that she's only .03 ahead. Perfection doesn't put you .03 ahead. Probably that Russian judge, or the fragile French judge. Figure skating is crooked. (And probably got beat by American Idol in the ratings.)

#5:
Canada beat the USA and Finland beat England in some spectacular curling action. Canada vs. Finland is the match-up of stars people wanted, and expected, to see. Those people that like to watch curling that is. It's very underrated entertainment. I recommend it. My Canadian team shouldn't disappoint me, I say they win the gold.

Go Sasha!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Olympics Update IX

Day 10 started slow.
Did we win or did we lose?
Read the following.

#1:
Where the hell did Austria come from? I forget that they are a country sometimes. I guess all the Biathalon guys passed their drugs along to the rest of their countrymates. The USA should be so far ahead by now, but we always screw up some event we're supposed to win. Man, were our athletes overrated or what?

#2:
Speaking of hyped-up, completely overrated winos...Bode Miller finished 6th in Men's Giant Slalom. Haha, I never tire of writing about how much Bode Miller sucks and how much of a douchebag he is. At least he finished this time and didn't smash into a gate like he did on Saturday. He won't get any medals and then will pretend not to care. You are an incredible waste of a human being, Bode.

#3:
Women's hockey got a bronze. That's kinda neat right? Women's ice hockey is THIS close to softball. Good grief.

#4:
Tanith Belbin (right) and Ben Agosto (that creature on the left) won silver for the US in Ice Dancing. I'm so proud of them for winning a medal in something no one cares about. Good job guys! Since no one cares about ice dancing anyway, I'm going to take this time to talk about the medals Italy is giving away. Pros: the strap fits nicely in the center of the ring, looks similar to the other Olympic rings, and they're shiny. Cons: they look too much like doughnuts, they also look like giant washers, sometimes if they are too shiny they could hurt your eyes, only come in 3 colors.

Verdict: Quite frankly, they're terrible. (Funnier if done in a Stephen A. Smith impersonation voice)

#5:
I didn't get to watch the USA vs. Canada curling match. Total bullshit, really. Canada won and the two will face off again in the semi-finals as Finland will play England. I believe both games are on Wednesday and hopefully NBC will replay it at night so I can watch it.

You still got a shot, Bode! Don't fuck up anymore!

What's the deal with...

I watch a lot of Seinfeld and have developed a way of thinking similar to that which is depicted on the show. The fact that I know a lot about nothing struck me when I started thinking about holding the door for people which I do frequently living on a college campus. My feelings could best be described in a mock conversation between Jerry and George. I think it would go something like this...


Jerry: So I'm going into the building, and I notice that this woman is running up to the door. So I catch the door for her and she says, "Thank you very much."

George: As she should.

Jerry: Yeah, but get this...I go through the next set of doors, you know, to get into the building, and she says it again.

George: A double "thank you very much?"

Jerry: Yeah, she double thanked.

George: See, that I don't care for. I mean, you got the door for her the first time, the second "thank you" is implied. She doesn't need to say it again.

Jerry: Exactly!

George: In fact, I think that a second "thank you" is not only unnecessary, but very disrespectful.

Jerry: Yeah, there's a surprise...

George: No, think about it. It's always said with that tone like, "Oh! Thanks for getting the door again!" Like it's such a tough job that I couldn't possibly do it by myself!

Jerry: I mean, it would be different if she had a box or something.

George: A box is a completely different story. You'd have to manuever around the box to get the other door open. If someone doesn't double thank after you open two doors for them and they're carrying a box...Now that's disrespectful.

Jerry: Boy, you sure got a lot of little respect rules there, don't ya Biff?

George: No...I just happen to know what to do in certain social situations. If more people thought like me, there'd be a lot less misunderstandings.

Jerry: Yeah, and a lot more psychiatrists.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Olympics Update VI, VII, and VIII

I've been home and sick all weekend, so I decided to condense days 7, 8, and 9 into one post. Don't worry, I'm feeling much better. I've started a strict one-V8-a-day program that should put me on the road to recovery.

#1:
Those relentless Nazies have taken the total medal count away from the Norwegians and the USA is in a 3 way tie for third place with the Commies and America Jr. (Canada for those of you not in the know) I told you those nutty Norwegians would crumble.

#2:
Although she is an American, I can't help but laugh at and criticize Lindsey Jacobellis. For anyone who didn't see this hilariousness, Jacobellis was in first place by a considerable margin in women's snowboarding cross and on the final jump tried a grab but didn't land it. She was passed by some Swiss chick and had to settle for the silver. She did cost the USA a gold medal, but it was so funny that I can't really be mad at her. It wasn't even a difficult grab, which makes it even more amusing. She tried to play it off, but I know she killed something. A dog perhaps...possibly a spectator she lured back to her trailer. How embarrassing Jaco. I know you are pissed off and you'll probably go into some type of depression, but I won't feel sorry for you, you deserve it.

#3:
Estonia won the gold in Men's Cross-Country Skiing: 15km Classical. This begs a number of questions.
Where the hell is Estonia?
What makes it "classical?"
Why not just use miles?
Holy shit, do you have any idea how hard it is to cross-country ski 15km?

#4:
Congratulations go out to Shani Davis who is the first black male ever, in the history of the Winter Olympics, to win an individual gold medal. That seems very hard to believe, but it's true. The fact that it is true substantiates what Bryant Gumbel said and has taken so much crap for. One black male has won a gold since the Winter Olympics started in 1924, back when it was known as "The International Winter Sports Week." I'd say that qualifies as a "paucity."



#5:
Curling! Hell yeah! I got to watch my favorite event this week and I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. The top 4 teams go into the semi-final bracket after all of the qualifying matches and currently Finland is in first, followed by the USA, England, and the underachieving Canadians. Italy upset Canada and the only reason they have a team is b/c they are the host country! Oh geez! Canada vs. USA is Monday at 2:00pm and I think I might have to miss class for that one. I'm serious. (How sad is that?)

#6:
I love Bode Miller. That crazy drunken fool screws himself again by running into a gate marker. He was soooo trashed for this race, he didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning. I don't know what else I can say about this moron. He has 2 events left and will probably fuck up again and pretend like he doesn't care. Go compete for Canada you alcoholic douchebag.

#7:
Apolo Anton Ohno got beat by not 1, but 2 Koreans and won a bronze medal. Boooo! Ohno was supposed to win gold in everything he competed. I didn't watch the race, did he screw up again? Has Bode Miller gotten to this kid? What is going on? You're an overrated, miserable excuse for a skater Ohno. So I repeat, Boooooooo!

#8:
The Italian police raided the Austrian Biathalon team's quarters looking for drugs after being tipped off from the IOC. I assume they mean drugs like pot, cocaine, meth, etc. because there is no way they could have been looking for steroids. Have you seen how many medals the Austrian team has won in biathalon? The answer is zero. The German Biathalon team was not checked even though they have been doing great in the biathalon. This is b/c everyone knows that Nazies love to shoot guns.

Other stuff happened, Canada got robbed in their hockey game w/ the Swiss. The US lost another hockey game. (The men, I don't care for women's hockey in the least.) Ice dancing took place. More skating. More skiing. More stuff that doesn't involve the US so is therefore meaningless. Go America!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I told you

By the way, Mike Davis resigned. Score one for me! I feel that he knew he'd get canned at the end of the year so he decided to step down now, trying to save some face. He resigns now and the IU fans and players take some of the rap. If he gets fired, he is looked at as a bad coach. He is going to stay on for the rest of the year, which doesn't make much sense, but hopefully this inspires him to create some unorthodox offenses which teams aren't prepared for and maybe we can win some games.

I just want to send my love to the imbeciles over at the IDS who have no idea what they are talking about. Yesterday, they ran an editorial saying Davis was a fine coach and just needed some time to resurrect the team. Today, they ran that Davis resigned. Get ready for some intelligence next year.

Olympics Update V

Day 6 was far more interesting than Day 5. More figure skating, snowboard cross, and some good hockey. Still didn't see any curling though...Fuck you NBC. Are you showing it and I'm missing it or are you just being a bunch of dicks? I say the latter.

#1:
Uh oh! Things for the USA didn't get much better on Day 6. We are now fourth overall in the total medal count, just one above Canada. That's right folks, Canada. We are merely one medal above possibly the lamest country in the entire world. Terrible... Know what bothers me the most about Canada? It is terrible country yet they have the coolest national anthem.

Anyway, I'm almost ready to give up my belief that the USA shouldn't go for bronze medals because we are falling behind. Let's get it together America!

#2:
Russian homosexual Yvyengeyvyeygye Pluskheysncieko (close enough) wins the gold medal and fellow homosexual Johnny Weir sucks it hard (haha) and ends up in fifth place. He played it safe and then got angry when the judges gave him low marks. Hey Johnny, it's the motherfucking Olympics and you have to bring your best routine or you will get shitty marks. It's not like I'm judging you out there, these people actually know what constitutes good figure skating and you didn't do it so quit crying. He essentially blamed it on the bus schedule and said that he felt "black inside." I don't even know where to take that.

#3:
Handsome stallion Seth Wescott wins the first ever gold in Men's Snowboarding Cross which is basically just snowboarding down a mountain on a pre-established course. It reminds me so much of Cool Boarders and is quickly becoming my second favorite Winter Olympic sport. It seems weird to see people crash since you figure they're the best in the world at what they do. I have to say that it makes me feel so much better about my myself to see professional snowboarders fall down.

#4:
The US hockey team made Kazakhstan look silly with an impressive 4-1 win after simply tying Latvia yesterday. Latvia is, of course, a country only made famous by an episode of Seinfeld in which George Costanza converts to Latvian Orthodox in order to impress a woman. Hopefully we are on the right track now.

I'm heading home tomorrow, maybe I'll be able to catch some curling this weekend.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Olympics Update IV

Day 5 of the Winter Olympics...what a bust. Seriously, this is going to be a lame post. Maybe I'll throw in a Bleiler picture just to spice things up.

#1:
Norway at 11, Russia at 9, USA and Nazies tied at 8. It makes me sad that the only medal we picked up today was a lowly bronze. On the bright side, men's moguls is cool as shit, so I'm less pissed off that we won a bronze in that event.

#2:
I didn't see any curling today. What the fuck? It's my favorite Winter Olympics event and I cannot wait to watch Canada kick everyone's ass and get the gold medal.

#3:
Bleiler and Allison Baver are the hottest athletes I've seen thus far.


#4:
Like I said, the moguls kicks ass, so I was rather disappointed when Jeremy Bloom didn't place. He seems like a good kid. Hopefully he'll get into the NFL.

Let's see...uh...anything else interesting? ...(thinking)... Nope, that's about it. Day 5 sucked.

The man I hate most in music

I know what you're thinking..."Bono right?" Bono is second now, he's been replaced by this godless wonder.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT!

Gay musician?! GAY MUSICIAN?! AH GEEZ!! Come on! Listen to the titles of these tracks...

"Gay Messiah" - Hey! Fuck you buddy! Jesus was straight as an arrow! You're going to hell!
"One Man Guy" - Ewwww! Gross!!! The only thing worse than a gay guy is a faithful gay guy.
"Rebel Prince" - That's just terrible.
"Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" - Oh man! What are you going to do with those?! PERV!

Not only that, but he has 2 songs, "King of the Road" and the "The Maker Makes," on the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. (Which, by the way, is an incredible love story and if it doesn't win the Oscar for Best Picture I will literally stab an old man.)

Rufus Wainwright is melodically anal raping the sanctity of music. Music used to be a sacred, holy institution and his messages of acceptance, understanding, and compassion will not be tolerated. Gays should not be allowed to make music. Anyone who supports his style of guitar playing/harmonious voice is just booking their first-class seat on the bullet train to Hell. He's a menace, period. Exclamation point!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Olympics Update III

Day 4 of the Winter Olympics was loaded with controversy. I mean did you see that?! I couldn't believe how gay the figure skating was!

#1:
Norway still leads the medal count, but since they have 5 bronze medals they officially suck as a country. Russia is still ahead and now those crazy Nazies have caught up to us! Luckily, I found out why these inferior countries have been gaining on us. Just look at this...

Norway - 1 Gold, 5 Silver, 5 Bronze
Russia - 4 Gold, 3 Silver, 2 Bronze
USA - 5 Gold, 2 Silver, 0 Bronze
Germany - 4 Gold, 1 Silver, 2 Bronze

Notice that the United States of America refuses to settle for the bronze medal, that is why we aren't winning the total medal count. We only go for the medals that matter.

#2:
Crazy drunk Bode Miller does it again. He was disqualified for "straddling a gate." Hey, it's Valentine's Day, let him straddle whatever he wants! (Rim Shot) For those of you unfamiliar to "straddling gates," it's when both skis don't go around the outside of the pole thingy that is set up. That's best I can explain it. That nutty boozer had the lead going into the slalom, which meant he must have taken down a couple of shots before his run, but he obviously doesn't know his limit and it cost him. Did you see the interview by his trailer? His eyes were darting everywhere, he was talking fast, and he used the word "straddle" waaaaaay too much. He's now 0-2 in his events and needs to step it up. Alcoholics everywhere need Bode to succeed in order to make themselves feel better.


#3:
The audacious, young, arrogant, handsome, and fabolous skater Johnny Weir scores an 80 in the short program of men's figure skating and heads into Thursday night's free skate in second place. He is very graceful and majestic on the ice, but off the ice he is a handful. He is always upsetting figure skating purists because he is something that the world isn't ready for; an outspoken, gay male figure skater. I actually don't know if he's gay, I just assume all male figure skaters are gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think it's easy to make fun of homosexuality being that I am a 19 year old heterosexual college student. Do I have to point out the italics? To give you a further idea of what I mean, I'll end with this...

Weir is a great skater who is bringing attention to male figure skating and he shouldn't be criticized for speaking his mind. He has a great mouth and he knows how to use it.

#4:
In Bode's place, Ted Ligety takes the gold in men's combined skiing (downhill and slalom). He wins America's first Alpine gold in Torino and obviously skis better sober. He seems like a nice kid and needs to be taken away from Bode Miller as soon as possible. Bode would seriously fuck him up. Can't you just see Bode calling him a pussy for not taking shots before a run? Ligety, wanting to impress Bode, would give in to peer pressure and end up wiping out, killing himself and several spectators. Just say no, Ligety. Just say no.

#5:
US women's hockey comes from behind to slap the hell out of Finland, outscoring them 5-0 in the third period. I could sit here all day and talk about what they did right and wrong in that game, but I'd much rather just look at pictures of them.

I better see some curling tomorrow or I'll be pissed off.

Okay, hold on...you're serious?

Wait, wait, wait...you're telling me Dick Cheney actually shot a guy?! With a gun?!

Hahaha, yes it's true folks! If you haven't heard already, Texas lawyer Harry Whittington was SHOT IN THE FACE by the VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Whittington and Cheney are good friends and during a recent quail hunting session Whittington somehow ended up in the line of fire as Cheney tried to shoot a quail (or so he says). Not since the days of pretzel choking has the Bush administration looked this silly (If you don't count that whole "Iraq" thing).

I don't have much to say about this, The Daily Show and David Letterman did a tremendous job of making fun of this ridiculous situation and probably will continue to do so. I just have one question. Doesn't the Bush administration owe Whittington a freebie? I'm talking about a get out of jail free card, for whatever the hell Whittington wants to do. Steal cookies? Fine. Murder? That's probably the best route. If you have one free pardon in your belt you better go big. If Bush doesn't wanna give him a pardon he could at least get him an intern.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Olympics Update II

Alright! Day 3 of Olympics activity and there is bundles to talk about! Certainly it was a big day for women, but let me start with...

#1:
Norway picked up another bronze (Whoop dee doo!). Norway is probably going to collapse; they're too used to the cold and will lose focus. What troubles me is that Russia pulls ahead of us in the medal count. We are clearly the far superior country (remember how the Cold War turned out?) and it troubles me to see that these commies are making a run at us. I say we show all of our Olympians Rocky IV. This is the greatest propaganda film ever made and would surely fire up our athletes to beat those hammer and sickle fanatics.

#2:
Americans dominated snowboarding again as Hannah "Nellie Showers" Teter and Gretchen "Yurek" Bleiler take the gold and silver medals, leaving only that hideous bronze medal to the more-than-happy-to-get-any-piece-of-shit Norwegians. I have been informed that Americans did invent snowboarding (thanks Dane!) so it goes without saying that we should just invent more kickass events so we can win more medals! I've helped make a couple of games in my day which could surely be incorporated. Coming to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing: RBX and Dodge Pong! And let me just say...nice ass Bleiler.

#3:
I have to preface this next point with something. I have been snowboarding on several occasions and I am no good. While sucking as much as I do, I have never completely wiped out like Lindsey Kildow or Samantha Retrosi. I am a firm believer in Karma and while I hesitate to write the following for fear of what may happen to me, I hear they are both fine and will recover well. So here goes...

If you haven't seen these pictures before, downhilll skier Lindsey Kildow is on the left and luger Samantha Retrosi is on the right. I don't know who coached these athletes, but they didn't do a very good job. I mean come on! It's called "skiing" lady, not "fall down the mountainface as fast as you can!" As for Retrosi, you can plainly see in the picture you are trying to luge sideways. This is not a good idea. You wanna go feet first because it is easier to maneuver yourself that way. If you ladies want me to come help out I'd be glad to; obviously your coaches aren't helping in the slightest. Together we can bring home that gold! (See, that wasn't so bad.)

#4:
Figure skating. What's all the fuss about? Maybe I just don't get it. Pretty sexy, though.

#5:
I really don't have much to say about Chad Hedrick and Joey Cheek except that they won the gold medals in the 5000m and 500m speed skating races respectively. Good job guys! The only problem with these winners is that no one knows who in the hell they are. This is the problem the Olympics faces; the lack of star power. We have to win the medal count so we can't just substitute Hedrick for LeBron James, so this is what I propose...

More Kildow/Retrosi wipeouts! People love to see other people get hurt, I guess it's just human nature. Putting people in danger makes stars out of normal athletes and is a great way to bring in ratings. One brilliant columnist I know proposed chasing the speed skaters with a zamboni equipped with a giant buzzsaw. These are just suggestions. Keep it up America! USA! USA! USA!

Stop crying, Davis

Having just read Andy Katz's "Despite feeling drained, Davis vows to go on" article, I feel the need to vent because that's what blogs are for.

I am no longer upset with Davis from a coaching standpoint. Instead, I now dislike him from a human being standpoint. Katz writes, "The particular portion of the fan base that irritates Davis is a group that wore black shirts to Saturday's game as a form of protest to his stewardship." Guess what Davis? You're the fucking head coach and you have to act like it. Quit worrying about what some of the fans are doing and focus on beating the other team. I was at the game and a very small percentage of people were openly advocating your firing with the whole "blackout" thing.

Davis also says that, "I watched [Saturday's] second half and you could see we were playing with no energy. It's really a shame. They have no idea what they've done to the players." No one is cheering for you Davis, that's all. Everyone goes nuts for Marco, Strick, and the other guys. Even Ben Allen, who for some reason has started this season despite his complete lack of defensive awareness, has an incredible fan base. You don't have an incredible fan base because you are not a good coach. You are a stubborn coach who refuses to adapt when changes need to be made. You blame others and focus on the negativity when you should just focus on playing more zone and creating a better offense suited to the talent you have. If you did that, there would be no negativity and no one calling for your head on a post.

Maybe you were sick Saturday, but now you're just making me sick with all of your childish whining and crying. Stop it. Do a better job or do us all a favor and resign.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Olympics Update

It's time for everyone's second favorite quadrennial event...the Winter Olympics! Obviously the Summer Olympics is first, and since this is America, soccer's World Cup doesn't count. That's soccer...not "football."

Anywho, let's get updated!

#1:
Norway is kicking our ass! What the blue hell?! Freakin' Norway? Granted, they have three bronze medals (the pussiest of all medals), but still! Let's step it up America, we don't wanna lose to a bunch of crummy Norwegians.

#2:
Bode Miller decided not to ski drunk and look what happened; he didn't even place. He is obviously more comfortable with Southern Comfort in his system and should have downed some before his run. He's paying for his mistakes now. He was last seen at an Italian bar drowning his sorrows BODE STYLE!

#3:
Apolo Anton Ohno slips and falls in the semis as his dumb ass tried to take first place when finishing second would have gotten him into the finals. Good job idiot! Yeah, he's not going to get the US a medal, but I'm not too concerned about that. His stumble is going to have every single paper in America putting "Oh no! Ohno slips in race" (or something of that nature) as a headline. Thanks a lot for having such a headline-friendly name you greedy son of a bitch!

#4:
Michelle Kwan. She's had such an illustrious career, does it matter that she doesn't have the gold? Of course not. What matters is that she's a miserable human being and a traitor to America. She was given a spot because of her reputation, and then backs out because of a groin injury. Listen sweetheart, I've pulled my groin plenty of times, sometimes twice a day, and I am still able to function. Except it usually makes me a little sleepy.



#5:
Snowboarding rocks it! The kick-butt team of Shaun "Tomato Paste" White and Danny "Whoop Ass" Kass takes the gold and silver in a tremendous display of snow and board and air. While that's all well and good, Americans invented snowboarding and we should have swept. How did we let a Finlander get in there? Just as a side note, I have no idea if Americans invented snowboarding, but we probably did.

Stay tuned for more Olympic sized updates!

Simply put...FMD

For my first post, let me start with this man....

For those of you unfamiliar to an underachieving coach; this is your posterchild.

His name is Mike Davis and he coaches the Indiana University Hoosiers basketball team. He began his coaching career in 2000 and took a talented group of kids (Jeffries, Tommy C, AJ Moye, Fife, Hornsby, etc.) to the NCAA Championship game in 2002. Those players had been recruited by the recently fired Bobby "F-ing" Knight and it seemed he might be able to follow a legend; something which is never easy to do.

Cut to the 2005-06 season...

After a fall from grace (which was to be expected in the years following the Final Four appearance) IU was back with a deep roster full of talented and experienced players. Marco Killingsworth is NBA bound, DJ White is the fabulous returning freshman, Strickland is the crafty veteran, Vaden is a sophomore scoring sensation (baby!), Sean Kline is...well, unfortunately he's still here.

Davis' stock has been climbing since the season began with big wins and close losses. While he did lose to a lowly Indiana State team, he beat Kentucky (which he had never done), Ohio State, Illinois, Michigan, and gave #1 ranked Duke a run for their punk ass money. Davis started his slide against the impossibly bad Purdue Boilermakers as IU played like dogs in what became the worst basketball game I have ever witnessed. At my 8 year old cousin's games you expect the kids to play this sloppy, but this game was NCAA regulated. If you watched closely enough, you could almost see Davis being pushed off of his pedestal.

I am advocating Davis' firing based on his team's performance in the last 7 games, starting with the Purdue game. How can I do that? Because judging on his team's performance in the first 14 games, you'd think IU would know how to play basketball. But they don't; they forgot how. This is a reflection of Davis.

As other teams have figured out how to stop IU, Davis refuses to change. He has limited Marshall Strickland's shots. He practically refuses to draw up plays which give Robert Vaden an open look. He whimsically substitutes players in and out of the game. He cannot motivate his players to play with intensity and when they don't play proper basketball he seems apathetic. As players stand stagnant on the court (during play!) Davis can be seen clipping his fingernails and chatting it up with the alums behind the bench. Also, he has also not taken any responsibility for his team's losses. Davis has blamed his players, IU fans, and even stadiums (Minnesota game) for the Hoosier's shortcomings. Not blaming yourself is one thing, but blaming your players is a classless act and shows absolutely zero leadership. Davis is a coward, as his "illness" during the most recent Iowa will clearly show.

His players lack discipline (IU averages 15 turnovers a game) and if he is coaching them, they are not responding to him. As a rule in any sport, if players are not responding to a coach, he/she needs to go. At first I wasn't a proponent of firing Davis midseason, but I figure, "Hey, they can't play any worse! Can they?" After much consideration, I have concluded that they cannot. Davis has stopped doing a good job of getting his talented team to play consistent basketball and it is for this reason he should be fired A.S.A.P.

I support the IU basketball team and if they decide to keep Davis on for the rest of the season I will grin and bear it. Please Greenspan, don't make me bear it. I hate bearing it. Fire Mike Davis.

Introduction

I can't promise entertainment. I'm just a college kid who gets bored very frequently and instead of doing homework I decided to copy off of my cousin (again) and create a blog where I can write things I normally just mutter to myself. Feel free to tell me how much I suck. My writing won't change or get any better and I'll probably just think your a jerk, but at least it'll help you feel better.