« Home | Stop crying, Davis » | Olympics Update » | Simply put...FMD » | Introduction »

Olympics Update II

Alright! Day 3 of Olympics activity and there is bundles to talk about! Certainly it was a big day for women, but let me start with...

#1:
Norway picked up another bronze (Whoop dee doo!). Norway is probably going to collapse; they're too used to the cold and will lose focus. What troubles me is that Russia pulls ahead of us in the medal count. We are clearly the far superior country (remember how the Cold War turned out?) and it troubles me to see that these commies are making a run at us. I say we show all of our Olympians Rocky IV. This is the greatest propaganda film ever made and would surely fire up our athletes to beat those hammer and sickle fanatics.

#2:
Americans dominated snowboarding again as Hannah "Nellie Showers" Teter and Gretchen "Yurek" Bleiler take the gold and silver medals, leaving only that hideous bronze medal to the more-than-happy-to-get-any-piece-of-shit Norwegians. I have been informed that Americans did invent snowboarding (thanks Dane!) so it goes without saying that we should just invent more kickass events so we can win more medals! I've helped make a couple of games in my day which could surely be incorporated. Coming to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing: RBX and Dodge Pong! And let me just say...nice ass Bleiler.

#3:
I have to preface this next point with something. I have been snowboarding on several occasions and I am no good. While sucking as much as I do, I have never completely wiped out like Lindsey Kildow or Samantha Retrosi. I am a firm believer in Karma and while I hesitate to write the following for fear of what may happen to me, I hear they are both fine and will recover well. So here goes...

If you haven't seen these pictures before, downhilll skier Lindsey Kildow is on the left and luger Samantha Retrosi is on the right. I don't know who coached these athletes, but they didn't do a very good job. I mean come on! It's called "skiing" lady, not "fall down the mountainface as fast as you can!" As for Retrosi, you can plainly see in the picture you are trying to luge sideways. This is not a good idea. You wanna go feet first because it is easier to maneuver yourself that way. If you ladies want me to come help out I'd be glad to; obviously your coaches aren't helping in the slightest. Together we can bring home that gold! (See, that wasn't so bad.)

#4:
Figure skating. What's all the fuss about? Maybe I just don't get it. Pretty sexy, though.

#5:
I really don't have much to say about Chad Hedrick and Joey Cheek except that they won the gold medals in the 5000m and 500m speed skating races respectively. Good job guys! The only problem with these winners is that no one knows who in the hell they are. This is the problem the Olympics faces; the lack of star power. We have to win the medal count so we can't just substitute Hedrick for LeBron James, so this is what I propose...

More Kildow/Retrosi wipeouts! People love to see other people get hurt, I guess it's just human nature. Putting people in danger makes stars out of normal athletes and is a great way to bring in ratings. One brilliant columnist I know proposed chasing the speed skaters with a zamboni equipped with a giant buzzsaw. These are just suggestions. Keep it up America! USA! USA! USA!