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Olympics Update III

Day 4 of the Winter Olympics was loaded with controversy. I mean did you see that?! I couldn't believe how gay the figure skating was!

#1:
Norway still leads the medal count, but since they have 5 bronze medals they officially suck as a country. Russia is still ahead and now those crazy Nazies have caught up to us! Luckily, I found out why these inferior countries have been gaining on us. Just look at this...

Norway - 1 Gold, 5 Silver, 5 Bronze
Russia - 4 Gold, 3 Silver, 2 Bronze
USA - 5 Gold, 2 Silver, 0 Bronze
Germany - 4 Gold, 1 Silver, 2 Bronze

Notice that the United States of America refuses to settle for the bronze medal, that is why we aren't winning the total medal count. We only go for the medals that matter.

#2:
Crazy drunk Bode Miller does it again. He was disqualified for "straddling a gate." Hey, it's Valentine's Day, let him straddle whatever he wants! (Rim Shot) For those of you unfamiliar to "straddling gates," it's when both skis don't go around the outside of the pole thingy that is set up. That's best I can explain it. That nutty boozer had the lead going into the slalom, which meant he must have taken down a couple of shots before his run, but he obviously doesn't know his limit and it cost him. Did you see the interview by his trailer? His eyes were darting everywhere, he was talking fast, and he used the word "straddle" waaaaaay too much. He's now 0-2 in his events and needs to step it up. Alcoholics everywhere need Bode to succeed in order to make themselves feel better.


#3:
The audacious, young, arrogant, handsome, and fabolous skater Johnny Weir scores an 80 in the short program of men's figure skating and heads into Thursday night's free skate in second place. He is very graceful and majestic on the ice, but off the ice he is a handful. He is always upsetting figure skating purists because he is something that the world isn't ready for; an outspoken, gay male figure skater. I actually don't know if he's gay, I just assume all male figure skaters are gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think it's easy to make fun of homosexuality being that I am a 19 year old heterosexual college student. Do I have to point out the italics? To give you a further idea of what I mean, I'll end with this...

Weir is a great skater who is bringing attention to male figure skating and he shouldn't be criticized for speaking his mind. He has a great mouth and he knows how to use it.

#4:
In Bode's place, Ted Ligety takes the gold in men's combined skiing (downhill and slalom). He wins America's first Alpine gold in Torino and obviously skis better sober. He seems like a nice kid and needs to be taken away from Bode Miller as soon as possible. Bode would seriously fuck him up. Can't you just see Bode calling him a pussy for not taking shots before a run? Ligety, wanting to impress Bode, would give in to peer pressure and end up wiping out, killing himself and several spectators. Just say no, Ligety. Just say no.

#5:
US women's hockey comes from behind to slap the hell out of Finland, outscoring them 5-0 in the third period. I could sit here all day and talk about what they did right and wrong in that game, but I'd much rather just look at pictures of them.

I better see some curling tomorrow or I'll be pissed off.