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Olympics Update

It's time for everyone's second favorite quadrennial event...the Winter Olympics! Obviously the Summer Olympics is first, and since this is America, soccer's World Cup doesn't count. That's soccer...not "football."

Anywho, let's get updated!

Norway is kicking our ass! What the blue hell?! Freakin' Norway? Granted, they have three bronze medals (the pussiest of all medals), but still! Let's step it up America, we don't wanna lose to a bunch of crummy Norwegians.

Bode Miller decided not to ski drunk and look what happened; he didn't even place. He is obviously more comfortable with Southern Comfort in his system and should have downed some before his run. He's paying for his mistakes now. He was last seen at an Italian bar drowning his sorrows BODE STYLE!

Apolo Anton Ohno slips and falls in the semis as his dumb ass tried to take first place when finishing second would have gotten him into the finals. Good job idiot! Yeah, he's not going to get the US a medal, but I'm not too concerned about that. His stumble is going to have every single paper in America putting "Oh no! Ohno slips in race" (or something of that nature) as a headline. Thanks a lot for having such a headline-friendly name you greedy son of a bitch!

Michelle Kwan. She's had such an illustrious career, does it matter that she doesn't have the gold? Of course not. What matters is that she's a miserable human being and a traitor to America. She was given a spot because of her reputation, and then backs out because of a groin injury. Listen sweetheart, I've pulled my groin plenty of times, sometimes twice a day, and I am still able to function. Except it usually makes me a little sleepy.

Snowboarding rocks it! The kick-butt team of Shaun "Tomato Paste" White and Danny "Whoop Ass" Kass takes the gold and silver in a tremendous display of snow and board and air. While that's all well and good, Americans invented snowboarding and we should have swept. How did we let a Finlander get in there? Just as a side note, I have no idea if Americans invented snowboarding, but we probably did.

Stay tuned for more Olympic sized updates!