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Oscars 2006

I'm supposed to be doing homework, but instead I'll break down Oscar night. My priorities are not in order whatsoever.

Let's start with Jon Stewart. He has been getting a lot of mixed reviews about his hosting job, most saying that he wasn't funny and he was bland. Chris Rock got the exact same reviews last year. People like Jon Stewart and Chris Rock can't be as funny as they want to be because of the crazy FCC regulations and the stuck up Academy. If they did go out and do their best material, they would get criticized for that, too. Let's just accept that the Oscars is boring. It always has been and always will be. Stewart (and Rock for that matter) were both great at being funny under the Academy's microscope. Stewart's best line? "For those of you keeping score at home: Martin Scorsese, zero; Three 6 Mafia, one."

The funniest part of the night were the Stephen Colbert voiced slander commercials. I cannot find them online anywhere, but hopefully they will be up in the next few days. The sound editing one was funny, but the best two were the ones created for the Best Actress category. In one, Keira Knightley was compared with Charlize Theron who has been "Hagging it up" in her recent movies. Knightley is described as having "crazy hotness" and cheekbones flecked with "God-dust." All of which are true. In the other, old people comment on the un-American sounding names of all the other actresses and decide that Reese Witherspoon is a great name and she should win. You really have to see them, they're not really funny if you try and describe them. I'm sorry I just wasted your time.

George Clooney has entered my top 3 of Hollywood badasses. Denzel is first, Harrison Ford is second, and Clooney is currently third, nudging Tom Cruise down to fourth. Being a Hollywood badass means that you are so good looking, rich, and talented that you can do whatever the hell you want, say whatever the hell you want and not care about the consequences. Also being a Hollywood badass means that no one could ever get too mad at what you said. Like if Clooney called everyone "douchebags" when he won. People would just go, "Oh man! That's George Clooney! He's awesome! He just called everyone douchebags!"

I don't care to talk about the awards. I called every single one except Best Supporting Actress, but that's like the lamest one anyway. I am glad Crash won. Anyone who doesn't like Crash is a racist. That's right, I said it. People who brush off Crash are completely ignorant and are usually Republicans who like to ignore all the racial problems in our world today. They think Affirmative Action is wrong, but not the war in Iraq. They don't understand the movie and what it was trying to say so they say it's a bad film but have no logical explanation as to why it was bad. Fuck all of you. You can say that Brokeback Mountain should have won, but you can't just say that Crash wasn't a powerful movie. It's not the best movie about racial tensions I have seen, but the movie is done incredibly well and Crash deserves its award.

I don't want to get into all the fashion because everyone kinda looks the same at these things, but what the hell was Charlize Theron wearing on her shoulder? I don't get it. Who told her that was attractive? Boooo!