Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Ricky Manning Jr.

Ricky Manning Jr. is a cornerback in the NFL who just recently signed a 5 year deal with the Chicago Bears. He is a fine player and fills a hole in the Bears' secondary as Azumah has retired. This keeps the Bears' defense stout at all levels and I have high hopes for the upcoming season. However, Manning's signing is not the only reason he is in the news.

Manning is in the news because he and a bunch of his friends beat up a nerd at Denny's.

I don't even know where to start... I guess I'll go with the obvious first.

The contract he signed was 21 million dollars, not to mention all the millions he made playing for Carolina, so why the hell is he eating at Denny's?! Denny's?! Come on! Not only did they eat at Denny's, but the Denny's they were at was in Los Angeles. You're telling me that the all day Grand Slam breakfast deals were the best source of food they could find in LA? Good grief. Eating at Denny's is only acceptable if you are desperate and/or poor. That's it.

Now let's get to the beating.

I'm not going to say that beating up a nerd now and then isn't fun (cause it is), but the only indication that this guy was a nerd is because he was on a laptop. What do you expect when you're at a Denny's next to the UCLA campus? Even if this guy turns out to be the nerdiest kid in the history of forever, why would you possibly need four or five of your buddies to beat him up?

Imagine this situation...

You're a poor college student eating at Denny's next to an uber-rich NFL player and 4 or 5 of his buddies, who I'm assuming are bigger than Manning who is only 5' 8" but a rock of 185 pounds. You're minding your own business, perhaps typing a paper, and all of these guys you're next to start harassing you, calling you a "nerd" and a "geek."

If that was me, I'd be extremely uncomfortable, yet curious as to the age of these men. "Nerd" and "geek" aren't exactly words most adults throw around at a Denny's.

So after this guy complains to the manager (which makes me think he is kind of a nerd), he leaves and proceeds to get the living hell kicked out of him by all of these guys. They punched and kicked him until he was unconscious. This is where I draw the line on nerd-bashing. Teasing is fine, wedgies and swrilies are certainly acceptable, maybe even a punch in the gut or two, but a nerd isn't going to fight back anyway, so why the need to beat him into submission?

The only thing I can figure is that Manning and all his buddies are total assholes or were really really drunk. But if I had to speculate, I'd say that they are all assholes who were really really drunk.

This story is possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard and it completely baffles me. I feel bad for the guy they beat up because he didn't do a damn thing wrong. I also feel bad for Manning and his bully friends who still get their jollies off of beating up those they find inferior. Most of all, I feel bad for their stomachs because they all chose to eat at Denny's.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

500 Shots

Little 500 week has passed and it's time for reflection. This week, I...uh...did something, I can't really remember what it was. I did wake up with bruised knuckles and a bump on my nose, though.

Indiana University celebrated its grandest tradition this week, culminating in the annual bicycle race. Call me pessimistic, say I don't understand tradition, but why does a bicycle race garner so much attention all week and result in so much drinking?

One theory is that since the first week of May is finals week, the week before it is spent with studying and the like, so the week before this week (Little 5 week) is spent with as much drinking as humanly possible. Because isn't that what college is all about?

That's an okay theory, but I think I have a better one.

Indiana University prides itself on being a party school, much to the chagrin of the administrators and higher ups. IU's new campus magazine "Proof" is little more than a salute to partying. In the recent issue, it encouraged students to not study or attend class this week and had a reference to sex or booze on every page. (Not an exaggeration.) Students love the fact that IU is always ranked high in Playboy's list of party schools and will become angry if you say other schools consume more alcohol/drugs or have more sex with random people.

But IU students do have a softer side deep down. (Deep deep down)

While they like to brag and embellish their drunken escapades, not unlike most college students, they often feel remorse about drinking so much. They feel bad about drinking for no reason at all.

"Oh man, I'm not becoming an alcoholic am I? I don't want to wind up like my dad. Why do I do this?"

These thoughts are quickly drowned in a sea of beer because sadness is a reason to drink and it makes students feel less bad about drinking if they have an excuse to do it. This is what Little 5 week presents, an excuse to drink all week and not feel bad about it.

"It's Little 5, dude! We have to get fucked up! It's tradition!"

My theory also makes more sense because you'd have to be drunk to enjoy watching a bicycle race.

It may sound like I'm condemning drinking, but this is not my intent at all. Certainly I'm no saint and I did more than my share of "celebrating" Little 5. I'm merely attempting to understand why this week has become such a wondrous event.

The campus is relatively calm now as many people have probably resumed reading, trying to regain the knowledge they lost this week. Of course, there are some things many of us will never know...like how I got this damn bump on my nose.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Blasphemous!

So I'm watching The Colbert Report the other night and Stephen is talking about how some sciencey guys are questioning the validity of Jesus walking on water. I looked it up online and found this article.

The first thing I notice when I read this is that the research was done by Israelis. Israel, huh? As it turns out, all Israelis are Jewish. (I looked it up.) Haven't these Jesus-haters done enough to him already? First you kill the guy and now you wanna discredit his miracles? How about you concentrate on peace talks and the like, you got more pressing issues to deal with, Israel.

I read further and realize that Florida State and Columbia University are also involved in this little science project. First off, in the new issue of Playboy magazine, Florida State is the 6th ranked party school. (Two places behind Indiana University I might add.) Are we actually supposed to believe that the 6th ranked party school in America knows anything about science?

Columbia University does have a history of being intelligent, but what have you done for me lately? I mean, the best thing Columbia has going right now is its football team whose best player is a kicker! (Although he is an incredibly manly kicker who is unbelievably sexy and talented.)

These findings were published in the April 2006 issue of the Journal of Paleolimnology. Now, I'm no paleolimnologist, and that's because there is no such thing. Paleolimnology is a made up word. Scientists love to make up words, such as:

Rutherfordium...Enzyme...Coronagraph...etc.

I could go on all day.

Even if paleolimnology was real, it's a Canadian science journal. Haha, get right outta town! Canada knows as much about science as they do about warm, sandy beaches or finishing college or attractive women or black people. Canada is a miserable hellhole.

After losing all credibility in the first 3 paragraphs, the article goes on to say...

"blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah water blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ice blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah camouflage blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

The article gets bogged down in sciencey terms and gibber-gabber that could have been summed up in this statement.

"Jesus probably didn't walk on water because it may have been cold and there possibly was some ice."

Wow, thanks guys.

What I didn't see was any mention of Peter. He walked upon the same sea, but fell in when he became frightened and questioned Jesus. Why didn't Jesus fall if both men were walking on the same icy sea? And how was the ship sailing out there? Even if the disciples had somehow decided that it'd be fun to push a boat out on the ice and sit there chatting, they wouldn't have been amazed when Jesus started walking toward them.

The report says it may have been a "floating ice patch." Ice doesn't just follow people as they walk, it's not a dog. And that theory still doesn't explain Peter walking on the water. Did his ice raft melt or something?

In closing, as Stephen Colbert pointed out, even if all of this bullshit were true, Jesus still walked on ice in sandals, and that's a miracle in itself.

Monday, April 17, 2006

A Senseless Blowhard

Jamie Kennedy sucks. Why does this guy keep getting his own television shows? I don't get it, not at all. I have seen some of his stand-up and I can maybe see how he is sorta funny, but he's definitely not funny enough to have his own tv show. He's like Orlando Jones; maybe kind of funny to some people, but completely undeserving of his own tv show. Just a side note, I'm not putting "Carlos Mencia" in this mix because that moron is just painfully unfunny and the fact that Comedy Central continues to employ him pisses me off to an unimaginable extent. I honestly wish he'd get hit by a bus and die. Or at least get impaled by something. I'm not picky, I just want "Carlos Mencia" dead.

Anyway, back to another hack.

Miraculously, Jamie Kennedy is getting his second tv show. First, he had "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment" on the WB, which was just basically just a shitty version of Punk'd. It wasn't funny on any level. Ashton Kutcher isn't funny either, but his title is "actor" or "model." Jamie Kennedy is supposed to be a comedian and if you didn't know that already, it'd be difficult to figure it out by watching his show.

Now, MTV is giving him a show called "Blowin Up." Let me give you the summary right off of Jamie Kennedy's website.

Jamie and Stu are 'Blowin' Up'
MTV picks up duo's comedy show


In the reality series "Blowin' Up," Jamie and his best friend, Stu Stone, try to become legitimate hip-hop stars by crashing meetings with music moguls and artists in hopes of landing a record deal. The team worked really hard to get the pilot just right and apparently MTV thinks it's funny enough for them! The network was so excited about it, they picked it up 3 days after they saw the final cut of the pilot.

MTV will run the show approximately 15 times a week and there should be at least 10 episodes scheduled for the first season, which will air sometime in the spring.

I don't know who Stu Stone is, but he probably sucks just as much as Jamie Kennedy. The premise of this show is basically Malibu's Most Wanted which was a sorry excuse for a movie. It was almost as unfunny as "Carlos Mencia"...almost. I have suicidal thoughts just thinking about what an awful movie that was.

However, I can see how MTV liked this show. MTV loves putting garbage on the air. It's also about rich white people in California, MTV eats that shit up. (I don't want to go on and on about how much I hate MTV so maybe I'll write about that later.) Even if MTV did like this show, why would they want to run it 15 times a week? I'd rather cut open my gums with my car keys 15 times a week.

Oh yeah, Jamie Kennedy was also in "Son of the Mask." (I don't really need a joke here.)

Unlike "Carlos Mencia," I don't wish death upon Jamie Kennedy. My only hope is that he somehow becomes mute. Who knows, maybe he'd be funnier. It probably wouldn't make him a better actor though, some things are simply beyond repair.

A Class Act

Jay Leonard is a celebrity as far as I'm concerned. He owns Preferred Auto (as seen in the photograph) which is Indiana's largest independent auto dealership. Not only that, he has been in most of the commercials for Preferred Auto. However, I would like to write the advertising campaigns for him because whoever is doing that now doesn't make him look nearly as badass as he truly is. He is also the greatest public speaker I have ever had the pleasure to listen to.

I bring up Jay Leonard because I saw him at church Easter Sunday and I wanted to go shake his hand and tell him that he's an amazing human being. You see, many people don't realize that Jay Leonard has a super sketchy past. He started drinking as a young teen and quickly got into drugs. Long story short, he became one of the biggest drug dealers in Fort Wayne and in Indiana. He spoke to my Good vs. Evil class sophomore year in high school and told us all about it. His stories were unbelievable and you couldn't help but be sucked into his tales of debauchery.

I swear I'm not making this up. Although admittedly they're not the most reliable sources, you can contact Kevin Smith or Ben Kulow about it. I think Ben might have even brought him in to speak. I remember he told a story about how the cops came to his house and he was so freaked out because of all the cocaine, heroin, speed, etc. in his basement, but the cops only took him away for stealing cable. Haha, dumbass policemen. I don't remember most of his stories, but I do remember they were hilarious and interesting. He also swore like a sailor, something I completely related to. (And can still relate to.)

The best part of his speech was when he talked about how he always tried to please people and gave in to peer pressure which contributed to his drug addiction. I remember this very well because it was such a defining moment of my life. He said, "Now, I don't really care if you like me. If you don't like me..." It was at this point he flipped off the entire class. I was stunned by the rays of awesomeness projecting from his middle fingers. I just sat there thinking, "This is the coolest man on the face of the earth. He just flipped off a class of high school students. I want to be just like him."

Jay Leonard is clean now and has been for some time thanks to self-realization and the help of his father. Like I said, he is now an incredibly successful businessman in the auto sales industry, but more importantly he has a hot wife and a super hot daughter. He brought his whole family to church on Sunday and while it may be inappropriate to think about the sexiness of his wife and daughter during church, I couldn't help but notice. His wife looks like the stereotypical middle-aged mom who still wants to be hot so she was too tan and was trying way too hard to be the teenager she once was. Mr. Leonard's daughter was more attractive because she wasn't trying hard to be good looking, she was just naturally attractive. She wasn't absurdly tan, had a cuter face, and while she was a little too skinny for my taste, she had a very nice body.

I would just like to congratulate Mr. Jay Leonard for:
1) being a badass
2) beating his drug addiction
3) being the best public speaker I have ever heard
4) being an influence on my life
5) creating a successful business
6) going to church

and finally...

7) having a hot wife and a super hot daughter

With any luck, I'll be able to marry his daughter and be a part of the kickass Leonard legacy.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Summer nears...

I figure I'd just talk about summer being that I haven't posted since one of the worst nights of my life. I hate school and I only have 1 big assignment and 3 tests until I'm done. I have already started to tune out learning. I am taking a bunch of my junk home Thursday when I go back home to the Fort of Waynes for Easter, my nephew's birthday party, and Komet hockey. This will only make me look forward to summer more. Here's a bunch of the stuff I'm going to do this summer.


Work: I want to work in my mom's office this summer in Huntington. I'd be doing menial tasks for 10 dollars an hour in a nice air conditioned office. I visited my mom at work once and everyone loves my mom so they in turn love me. I figure they won't make me work too hard or get mad if I want a day off, like when I go to...


Warped Tour 2006: I'm going to Warped Tour again with Dane and Andrew and whoever else winds up coming. We'll probably end up going to 2 shows which will just make this summer twice as amazing. The 2005 Warped Tour in Indy was a great experience and some of the most fun I've ever had. I'd recommend it to everyone. In preperation, I'll be listening to many of the bands there as I...


Skateboard: I'm going to learn (or at least try to learn) how to be a good skateboader this summer. When I sell my school books back to T.I.S. I plan on having enough to buy a decent skateboard. Dane, Andrew, Zach, and I will look so cool this summer in our Element shirts, cargo shorts, and Vans. We'll be so hardcore, just like these guys. I'm gonna look extra badass in my Element shirt because I' going to...


Work out: Shut up! I am going to try to put on weight this summer by eating all the time and working out. We'll see how I sexy I can get. Getting stronger will definitely help during...


Lacrosse: Summer league at The Plex will be quite fun. I think it's outdoors this time, too. A team will be put together of tremendous porportions and we will not lose. Not to anyone. It will be an immaculate combination of skill and intelligence and awesomeness.

All of these will be accomplished along with much time spent hanging out with friends, doing a little bit of boozing, buying some stuff when needed, lake visits, Notre Dame visits to see that bookworm Rachel, hopefully getting my hands on the Revolution which may come out this summer, lots of stuff I can't think of, and a possible trip to the east coast. How exciting!

Friday, April 07, 2006

My 20th Birthday

Before you do anything, make sure you see the greatest post ever ("SUMMER JAM!") on Andrew Swanson's website. He is my hero.

http://seriouslyswanson.blogspot.com/

Now, onto my 20th birthday. It was pretty lousy. The weather in Bloomington was the worst it's been all year. It rained non-stop for nearly the whole day, but I had places to go and horrible, awful classes to attend. I also had to finish my nonsensical Spanish homework. After classes, I bought myself a birthday pizza and breadsticks and ate until I couldn't eat anymore. Then I took a nap. This is where it gets interesting...

Not interesting really; more like infuriating. Let me just say two things that will put the final sentence in perspective.

1) Things I wanted to have happen didn't happen.
2) I have a lot of problems that I just can't seem to correct.

Final sentence = I ended up drinking two bottles of Vick's 44 Multi-Symptom cough medicine alone.

Andrew Swanson is not only my hero for his posts, but also because he is much smarter than me. He would know that drinking 2 bottles of Vick's is a bad idea, but I'm the kind of person who has to figure out what constitutes a "bad idea." (i.e. - I'm a moron.) Since I had no booze and nowhere to go for my birthday, I decided that in order to alter my conscience, Vick's was the best way to go. I bought the bottles from the convenience store in my dorm and took them up to my room. The first bottle was somewhat difficult to get through and I ended up chasing the medicine like it was a shot. After I was used to its taste, the second bottle went down easier.

For those of you who think you can get drunk off of Vick's, you're wrong. It's only 10% alcohol. I was not drunk; I don't know what the hell I was and I don't know what the hell possessed me to do it. All I know is that my vision was blurred, my movements were very slow, and I didn't feel very good. I drank some water to settle my stomach then I tried to lay down. This didn't work and I felt like I was going to throw up. I decided to go smoke a birthday cigar and this was a brilliant decision. It was so relaxing sitting outside in the cool breeze as the cigar warmed my insides. When the cigar was out, I went back to my room and sat down at my computer. Then I started to trip balls.

I started talking online some more and then decided to create a post. This is not that post. I read the earlier post after I came back from a long walk which did wonders to clear my head. What I had previously written was a garbled mess of paranoia and panic. I would have posted it, but no one would have believed it. That and I wrote way too much personal information. In it, I talked about how my head was spinning and how it felt like I kept leaning and/or sliding out of my chair. I also wrote that it felt as if I was typing on my computer (which felt like a desktop computer instead of a laptop) from a ladder that was 8 feet away. I made numerous references to my own death in the earlier post and talked about facing mortality at the age of 20. I was positive that I was going to die and I attempted to write my legacy. I also wrote something about how I kept scanning the room expecting to see the Grim Reaper behind me. (As I started my walk, I remember frequently turning around to see if anyone was following me.) I was going to "fight off death" by not sleeping because I was convinced that if I fell asleep I would never wake up. (I probably got this from the IU student who passed away in her sleep Wednesday morning, may she rest in peace.)

Moral of the story: Hallucinogenic drugs are not for Alex.

This was an incredibly bad decision and I cannot envision myself ever doing this again. I think way too much as it is and I certainly don't need anything to help increase my paranoia. I was literally freaking out for at least an hour. I have not slept. Hopefully my weekend goes better than this.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Does my insurance cover that?

Mark Souder is the congressman of Indiana's 3rd Congressional District and he's supposed to honor his constituency. So when I had questions about our national security, I figured I could turn to him. I saw an impending crisis and I felt that maybe the United States government could use my help. I mean, they deal with so many issues on a daily basis that I thought maybe this one had slipped through the cracks. This is my helpful email to Congressman Souder.

"Hello Congressman Souder, my name is Alex. My friend Shaina and I were talking recently and the subject of zombie puppies came up. I don't know if the current U.S. Military policy has a plan for dealing with zombies, but we believe that if the zombies figure out how to turn puppies into zombies that the country, nay, the world, would be in grave danger. You see, a zombie puppy's adorableness would lure people in and then it would attack with it's deadly zombie powers. Although the zombie decaying process may lessen their cuteness, their adorable trot and melodious bark would certainly be enough to lure in even the most cold-hearted man. I think you should bring up the zombie agenda in Congress if there is no plan for it already. Thank you very much. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Alex Kenny"

That rat bastard obviously doesn't care about the security of our nation and he will not be receiving my vote in November after sending this back...

"Thank you for your e-mail message. The overwhelming volume of e-mail I receive on a daily basis requires me to use an auto-reply e-mail to handle your message more efficiently. Rest assured that I will send detailed, written responses in hard copy format via U.S. mail to residents of Indiana's Third Congressional District. However, only e-mail messages that include a return address within northeast and north-central Indiana will receive a letter. You may wish to visit the following link to view a very brief video clip of how my office handles e-mail:
http://www.Souder.House.Gov/UploadedFiles/E-Mail.wmv

Also, I encourage you to visit my Web site, at http://www.Souder.House.Gov, where you will find information about Congress and the federal government, as well as many of my legislative positions detailed for your convenience.

If you are contacting my office about a specific problem that you are having with a federal agency, please call my district office at (260) 424-3041, or toll-free within northeastern and north-central Indiana at 1-800-959-3041, and a caseworker will be glad to assist you.

Thanks again for taking the time to contact me with your views.

Sincerely,

Mark E. Souder
Member of Congress"

"Taking the time?!" Don't you get it?! We're running out of time, Souder! I don't know how long I'll be able to resist the zombie puppies! You better get your ass in gear and represent me or we're all fucked!

The following is Shaina's version of the dreaded zombie puppy followed by mine.


















Think it over

So here's the problem with this post...I am most certainly going to lose friends because of it, possibly a lot. You see, there is one thing many people hate. And I don't mean hate like, "I hate fishsticks." I mean hate like, "I will kill you if you even try to eat fishsticks in the same room as me because I hate them so much. Seriously, I'll fucking kill you." What could possibly be this evil, you ask? Well, before I alienate practically everyone I know, I'll try to explain my position. (But you won't want to hear it.)

Country music...Wait! Come back! I'm sorry, okay? Just hear me out!

Still there? Hello......? Shit!
I'll just get this off of my chest anyway.


I can draw my newfound love of country music to one moment, really. I sometimes listened to it when I played basketball in my driveway because the hip hop stations in Fort Wayne suck a tremendous amount and I can't play basketball to classic rock, I don't know why, I just can't. The upbeat country songs provided a good rhythm in which to dribble and shoot the way I like, but I never could retain any of the song lyrics because I didn't appreciate the music.

But I digress, the moment to which I referred was an away lacrosse game in which I rode to Indy or wherever it was with my friend Jeremy and his parents. We listened to country music and it felt odd being that I was the only one not singing each song. Then Keith Urban and his song "Where the Blacktop Ends" came on the radio and, for the first time, I thought, "This is a pretty good country song." I ended up hearing that song everywhere for some reason during the next week or two and I actually retained the lyrics. I never told people that I liked this song because I would most likely be stoned. So I cowered in silence for probably over a year until about 3 weeks ago when I remembered that I liked that song so I decided against better judgement to download it. I listened to it about 2 or 3 times and then it hit me, "Maybe there are other good country songs."

"Absurd!" was the first thing that popped into my head, but I investigated nonetheless. I contacted my friend Robert whom I know likes country music and as I navigated my way through his collection, sampling this song and the next, I realized that there actually was other good country songs. I couldn't fuckin' believe it!

Country today isn't about being a Confederate and a racist asshole, at least not what I listen to anyway. There's no way in hell I could advocate that, as anyone who knows me would surely tell you. I think that's one reason people steer clear of country music, but that's such a small percentage of country music nowadays. Country music has so much more to offer.

What it offers is numerous upbeat songs about nothing in particular. That's why country music is so fun. People don't like country music because they say it's all songs about pickups, fighting, drinking, and how your woman done you wrong. What's so bad about that, I say? Who doesn't like songs about drinking and fighting? All the songs I listen to are just about having fun and being a country bumpkin. Again, what's so wrong with that?

Here are fun country songs I recommend:

Tim McGraw - "Country Boys and Girls Gettin' Down on the Farm" - A fun song promoting promiscuity and illegal activities because "there's some things you can't do inside those city limit."

Neal McCoy - "Billy's Got his Beer Goggles on" - Another fun song about a guy whose woman done him wrong so he's getting fucked up and getting on ugly girls.

Tracy Byrd - "Watermelon Crawl" - A song about a guy who stops at a party he drives by and gets drunk off of "sweet red wine."

Dierks Bentley - "What was I thinkin?" - A song about this guy who really wants to bone this chick, but her dad is a crazy shotgun-wielding hillbilly. Hilarity and madness ensue.

Admit it, you really want to listen to these songs. I mean, what amazing premises to write songs off of! If you want more songs, let me know. I'm not saying you have to listen to these songs, just think it over.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Mmmm...sooo good.

Oh, Founder's Day. I love you so much. I can't get enough of people telling me how smart I am. Mmmmmm, it's delicious like candy. Oh, how I love the sweet nectar of praise. Mmmm, I need it. It's like heroin, I just need the affirmation of others flowing through my bloodstream. Oh, what an addictive rush.

For those not in the know, Founder's Day is a excuse for IU to show smart kid's parents that IU really cares about it's student body, at least those students who get a 3.5 or better. I am always opposed to these academic ceremonies because they try to pretend that it's geared towards the students when this is anything but the truth. Founder's Day consisted of IU's faculty glorifying themselves and listening to themselves talk for an hour and a half while I tried to survive the asinine conversation of the empty-headed blondes behind me and their incessant giggling. How they got a 3.5 I haven't the foggiest.

Anyway, my borderline ADD starts acting up and my friend Matt and I start discussing funny things we could do. He suggests falling and I happen to mention that I am an expert in fake falls. Matt doesn't think that I have the guts to fake fall in front of this many people. He obviously doesn't know me very well. So after I walk on stage and shake hands with IU's president, I attempt to descend the stairs on the other side of the stage. I "miss" the last step and bite it hard on McCracken Court which is only thinly covered with some red carpet. (My knee will corroborate my story. I say it's only a good fake fall if you really hurt yourself.)

Anyway, everyone who saw it gasped in awe which almost made me bust out laughing and some faculty that was nearby rushed to my aid. Matt was trying his best to not laugh as he pretended to care if I was okay. His parents had a video camera but said that they didn't get my fall. They didn't realize that it was premeditated. (Like I said, I'm pretty good at falling.) I don't want to toot my own horn here, but it was pretty hilarious. The airheads behind me even told me how great it was thereby stopping the respect freefall they had been in.

The moral of this story is that when bored out of my mind for an hour and a half I'm willing to humiliate myself if it lightens the mood for others. What can I say? I'm a giver.