Monday, August 28, 2006

What's a crush to do?

This is the face of Dr. Gregory House aka Hugh Laurie. This is the face of genius. This is the face of the most clever man on television. This is the face of a man who should be holding the 2006 Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama.

But he isn't. In fact, he wasn't even nominated. Instead, that miserable, unwatchable prick Sutherland ended up winning it.

I can't fucking believe it, any of it. Who votes for this, anyway? Have they never seen House?

Let me break it down to show you who the clear winner is...

Kiefer Sutherland was born "Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland." How British. Hugh Laurie was born "James Hugh Calum Laurie." That is far less British.

One point to House.

Dr. Gregory House vs. Jack Bauer, this one is tough. Jack Bauer fights terrorism; House fights disease. Both men race against the clock. However, Jack gets 24 hours. Give House any disease, no matter how rare, and that shit is knocked out in an hour. And that includes commercials.

Advantage House...

At the end of last season, House was shot by some asshole because he was angry at House for telling his wife he cheated on her. Umm...pretty sure that was your fault, buddy. Meanwhile, at the end of 24's season, Jack showed immense cowardice and climbed aboard a boat to China. What a pussy.

One point to House.

To be quite honest, you probably don't remember them from too much else. Keifer was in A Few Good Men and Hugh was in the Stuart Little trilogy. I thought Keifer was in Tombstone, but I was wrong. A little known fact about Hugh Laurie though, he was Nigel Pinchley in the episode of Family Guy entitled "One If By Clam, Two If By Sea." And that was back when Family Guy was still funny.

One point to House.

And finally...Who'd win in a fight?
Jack Bauer is probably a pretty good fighter, cause of his job and all. Plus, House has a bad leg. At least the old House did. Anyone who's seen the trailer knows that House is coming back 1,000 times stronger than last season. Now, he can use that cane to reign blow after blow upon the skull of Jack B. You're finished, asshole. Four seasons is plenty...GO AWAY!

House sweeps it! 4 points to nothing! Protect yourself from that Bauer! Whoo! Give House your Emmy before he gets angry with you. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I got nothing. Don't read this.

It's hard to be funny when you're half conscious, so I'm not even going to try.

I just haven't posted in a while and since everyone I know is going back to college hopefully they've fallen back into their old routines; i.e. reading this shit.

Just to catch everyone up, I have been volunteering at my old dorm during Freshmen Move-In Week and it hasn't been what I'd call exhilarating. Fun, but not exhilarating. School starts on Monday and I'm trying to enjoy my weekend because once school starts I know I will once again hate life.

I would honestly love to hand out advice right now because some people I know are working through some things, but no one likes to hear advice from the drunk guy, so I'll just shut up.

Overall, I guess I just wanted to say hi...and good luck.

Friday, August 18, 2006


As the kid walking behind me put it: "That was the best way I've spent my money on anything ever."

He, of course, was talking about Snakes on a Plane which we had just finished seeing. I have to agree with him.

I attended one of the special Thursday night showings and the film was everything I could have ever hoped it to be. It's hard to find words to describe its scrumtrilescence.

It was funny (purposely funny), it was more gory than I thought it would be, Sam Jackson was a total badass (as usual), Kenan ruled, and it was by far the most entertained I have ever been at a movie theater. (Drunk or sober.)

I'm very glad they kept it R rated because it allowed for some classic cinema scenes and lots of swearing.

I had only 2 problems with the movie and this is because I am a huge nerd.

1) The way in which the reticulated python feeds was greatly exaggerated. I suspect it may have been an Anaconda, but Anacondas are usually thicker and even if this was the case, its feeding habits were still exaggerated.

2) In several scenes they have a Milk snake (red, black, and yellow) attacking people and those people are dying from the bite. However, a Milk snake is very harmless. The confusion lies in that the Milk snake looks exactly like a Coral snake. Coral snakes are highly venomous and consist of the same colors with one noteable exception; on the Coral snake, the red and black never touch. There is a very simple rule to follow to know whether you are dealing with a Milk snake or a Coral snake. It goes...

"Red touches yellow, that's a deadly fellow (for the Coral snake). Red touches black, venoms a lack (for the Milk snake)."

*Author's note: I used the example of a Milk snake, but I do realize there are others which look very similar such as the Scarlet Kingsnake. So don't send me your stupid ass comments.

The movie never took itself very seriously (if you couldn't tell from its title) and I will definately be seeing it again. I recommend it to all.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

My summer is almost complete

No jokes tonight...I'm as serious as a motherfucking heart attack.

Tomorrow this very time...I will have just seen the greatest film in cinema history. August 18th, 2006 will forever be known as the date that changed all of our lives.





If I hear one more greasy, dirty, ignorant motherfucker say this movie sucks I will start swinging. I swear to Nelville Flynn I will. I have waited all summer for this day. Nay, my whole life. I'd pay up to $4,000 to see this movie, luckily I only paid $10. ($13.50 after my box of Sno-Caps.)

If you value your life you will see this movie. Because if you don't see it, I'll murder you. I will sneak into your home, creep up behind you, and slit your throat as you sit watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.


Click here for a trailer.
Click here for the Cobra Starship music video.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

It doesn't get much better

I try to refrain from posting my "random thoughts" because I don't think anyone really wants to read about them. Hell, I wouldn't even want to read about my own thoughts. However, having just watched an entertainment story on CNN about Paris Hilton's new cd, I felt compelled to post my immediate reactions and thoughts about her music and her music video.

Firstly, I read the blurb and thought, "CD? I'm pretty sure it's spelled VD." (Haha, that just came to me!)

Okay now...let's get serious.

To be honest, it wasn't the most terrible thing I've ever heard. She has a single out entitled "Stars are blind" which is your typical cheesy girly pop song...only dumber. (But I'm sure you had already figured that out.) In the song, she talks about a guy who treats her with respect. I can only assume someone ghostwrote this for Paris because a man treating her with respect would be a completely foreign concept to her.

She says in the song that people view her on a superficial level while she sees herself as a real person. Remember though, stars are blind.

The song goes on, she frolics with her man-friend on the beach, the chorus repeats itself, she humps some trees, etc. It's all basic stuff, really. Anyway, Paris Hilton posing as a pop musician got me thinking about the pop music genre in general.

Now, I try not to be a music snob, but there are some things I cannot help but hate. For instance, since Paris Hilton is an attractive girl, she is able to cut a record (no matter how shitty), people at the label will do everything else, and the song will get airtime. It never fails. Take a cute girl singing (or pretending to sing) generic pop lyrics and people will inexplicably fall in love with the song. I hate this musical trend and unfortunately it will never cease.

The only thing I ask of record labels is this...

From now on, each and every cute/girly/cheesy pop song must be compared to B*Witched's song "C'est la vie." For me, this is the pinnacle of girly pop songs.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and yes...I'm aware that I am a tremendous hypocrite. I fully realize that the group B*Witched was just four cute girls who cut a cheesy pop record and let everyone else do the actual work. But come on! How fucking awesome was that song?!

Snakes on a Plane blog is coming! Don't fret!!
I'm s
sssssssso exsssssssssited!!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Why I Can't Write for Parade Magazine

Work is almost over and I return to IU in two weeks which means I will soon have more time to write. Yes, I know. You are lucky.

But I digress.

There is a mini-magazine that comes with my newspaper on Sundays entitled Parade. Apparently this magazine is a pretty big deal nationwide. They have their own website, anyway. Parade usually includes tips on how to live better along with some entertainment news. Unfortunately, it also has a Q&A section where someone from the magazine answers the incredibly relevant e-mails sent by some of the greatest minds in our country. I could not hold this position because I would answer their e-mails in the following way...

Q: I just read that Bruce Willis introduced Tamara Feldman, his girlfriend and Perfect Stranger co-star, to his kids. Is the relationship for keeps? -Cassidy Moore, Hartford, Conn.-

A: How old are you, Cassidy? Seriously. "Is the relationship for keeps?" Gimmie a break. Tell your mother to get a real job so she can stop dictating your asinine questions.

Q: I wonder if there's a "musicians' curse." It seems like a lot of them die in small plane crashes. How many have been killed? -Michael Sonken, Des Plaines, Ill.

A: A "musicians' curse," Michael? You have no idea how much I hate you. "A lot" of musicians haven't died in plane crashes, you twit. Do you have any idea how many musicians there are in the world? No, you don't. Your fucking pea-brained mind can't comprehend that thousands of flights take tens of thousands of musicians to their destinations every day without somehow plummeting into the ground. Thirty-four well-known musicians have died since 1959 in airline related crashes. On what planet is that considered "a lot." Fuck you, Mike. I hope that you die in a plane crash and stay alive just long enough to see your flesh burn off.

(I know it's 34 because Parade generously provided a list of the deceased musicians on their website.)

Q: My brother says David Copperfield is the greatest magician working today. I say it's David Blaine. Who's right? -Donald Green, Chicago, Ill.-

A: Good fucking grief. How lame are you and how much lamer is your brother? Do you really sit around arguing about which magician is cooler than the other? To ask me such a question I know that you do and my faith in humankind is lessened because of it. You know what I find even more depressing? I think that you and your brother really believe that these magicians can make shit disappear and/or levitate. That's what this question is about, isn't it Donald? You sicken me.

Q: Why does Mariah Carey always wear those short skirts and plunging necklines? -S.D., Harrisburg, PA-

A: How fucking retarded does your question have to be that you won't even put your own name on it? Come on, S.D., what's really going on here? Are you jealous? Maybe. Are you one of those "conservatives" I've been hearing about; one who believes that Mariah's curves are ruining the moral fabric of our society? Probably. Are you an overprotective parent who wishes to shield her 12 year old son from the horrors of the female body thereby turning him gay? Most likely. Now, to answer your question...She's a whore. Duh.

Q: How is life treating comedienne Betty White? And does she keep in touch wither her Golden Girls co-stars from the 1980's? -Dona Glasgow, Fontana, Calif.-

A: I think you need to stop living in the 1980's, Dona. Betty White is nearly dead, so are all of her co-stars, and so are you. Come to grips with your impending mortality.

Q: What is Queen Elizabeth's only daughter, Anne, up to these days? -Fran Nunnally, Richmond, VA.-

A: Well, Fran...Anne is actually doing quite well. She was great in Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada and her new movie, Becoming Jane, is coming out in 2007. She still loves reading and interior decorating. Her and Raffaello are also doing swell! I thinking of a different princess?