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Why I Can't Write for Parade Magazine

Work is almost over and I return to IU in two weeks which means I will soon have more time to write. Yes, I know. You are lucky.

But I digress.

There is a mini-magazine that comes with my newspaper on Sundays entitled Parade. Apparently this magazine is a pretty big deal nationwide. They have their own website, anyway. Parade usually includes tips on how to live better along with some entertainment news. Unfortunately, it also has a Q&A section where someone from the magazine answers the incredibly relevant e-mails sent by some of the greatest minds in our country. I could not hold this position because I would answer their e-mails in the following way...

Q: I just read that Bruce Willis introduced Tamara Feldman, his girlfriend and Perfect Stranger co-star, to his kids. Is the relationship for keeps? -Cassidy Moore, Hartford, Conn.-

A: How old are you, Cassidy? Seriously. "Is the relationship for keeps?" Gimmie a break. Tell your mother to get a real job so she can stop dictating your asinine questions.

Q: I wonder if there's a "musicians' curse." It seems like a lot of them die in small plane crashes. How many have been killed? -Michael Sonken, Des Plaines, Ill.

A: A "musicians' curse," Michael? You have no idea how much I hate you. "A lot" of musicians haven't died in plane crashes, you twit. Do you have any idea how many musicians there are in the world? No, you don't. Your fucking pea-brained mind can't comprehend that thousands of flights take tens of thousands of musicians to their destinations every day without somehow plummeting into the ground. Thirty-four well-known musicians have died since 1959 in airline related crashes. On what planet is that considered "a lot." Fuck you, Mike. I hope that you die in a plane crash and stay alive just long enough to see your flesh burn off.

(I know it's 34 because Parade generously provided a list of the deceased musicians on their website.)

Q: My brother says David Copperfield is the greatest magician working today. I say it's David Blaine. Who's right? -Donald Green, Chicago, Ill.-

A: Good fucking grief. How lame are you and how much lamer is your brother? Do you really sit around arguing about which magician is cooler than the other? To ask me such a question I know that you do and my faith in humankind is lessened because of it. You know what I find even more depressing? I think that you and your brother really believe that these magicians can make shit disappear and/or levitate. That's what this question is about, isn't it Donald? You sicken me.

Q: Why does Mariah Carey always wear those short skirts and plunging necklines? -S.D., Harrisburg, PA-

A: How fucking retarded does your question have to be that you won't even put your own name on it? Come on, S.D., what's really going on here? Are you jealous? Maybe. Are you one of those "conservatives" I've been hearing about; one who believes that Mariah's curves are ruining the moral fabric of our society? Probably. Are you an overprotective parent who wishes to shield her 12 year old son from the horrors of the female body thereby turning him gay? Most likely. Now, to answer your question...She's a whore. Duh.

Q: How is life treating comedienne Betty White? And does she keep in touch wither her Golden Girls co-stars from the 1980's? -Dona Glasgow, Fontana, Calif.-

A: I think you need to stop living in the 1980's, Dona. Betty White is nearly dead, so are all of her co-stars, and so are you. Come to grips with your impending mortality.

Q: What is Queen Elizabeth's only daughter, Anne, up to these days? -Fran Nunnally, Richmond, VA.-

A: Well, Fran...Anne is actually doing quite well. She was great in Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada and her new movie, Becoming Jane, is coming out in 2007. She still loves reading and interior decorating. Her and Raffaello are also doing swell! Wait...am I thinking of a different princess?