Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Fuck PW!!

Say hello to Satan for me, Botha. It's a shame you died peacefully.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


I know it's been said before, and it'll be probably be said again, but if Bush really decides to build a 700-mile wall between the U.S. and Mexico, who's gonna build it? Illegal immigrants, that's who.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Cancel the trip to Maybury Hill

Did you hear? New Jersey is officially the first state going straight to Hell. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of in my life. I mean, everyone knows gay marriage will just encourage people to be gay! It's exactly like how hanging around tall people will make you tall. Come on folks, gay parents will just raise gay children since straight parents only raise straight children, right?!

Here's another thing, gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. Christianity. And us Christians hate queers as much as God does.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract, right?!

Being a huge fan of geography, what makes me the most upset is that the state of New Jersey has already starting changing the names of its counties. Don't believe me? Click on this map and zoom in to check it out...

Special thanks to Nikki Fisher!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Special Halloween Post

All Hollow's Eve is nearly upon us and I have taken it upon myself to search through numerous costumes to tell you what's what.

Shitty Vampire Costume...
In case you can't see the back, it reads "this IS my costume. get over it." Guys, don't wear this. If I see you wearing this I'll beat your fucking brains out. Get over it.

Kelly Osbourne...
Mother: What do you want to be for Halloween, dear?

Teen: I know what I want to be, Mom! I want to be a chubby talentless retard!

Mother: Well, then it sure is a good thing I picked up this Kelly Osbourne costume for you!

Enough said.

Sexy Uncle Sam...?I've never heard the words "sexy" and "Uncle Sam" used together before. Probably not a good idea for a costume then.

Winter Nymph...This costume costs 60 bucks, but it'd be cheaper if you just took a bunch of shredded paper and stapled it to your clothes.

Sassy Sacrilegious Sister...
Personally, I think this is pretty fucked up. Any slutty costume with three visible crosses on it somehow just doesn't sit right. If you like this/wear this, then I hope this is your last Halloween.

Dungeon Mistress...I proposed this costume idea to my girlfriend and even offered to be the guy in the background wearing the leather chaps and the neato "Slave" t-shirt. I don't really know how to make myself look all hazy like that, but I'm sure I could figure it out. She didn't go for it.

Sweetie Fairy Child...
Why does the Sweetie Fairy Child need an axe?

Basketball Player...Finally my WNBA fantasy has come to fruition! Oh wait... Nothing is sexy about the WNBA; so don't even try it.

Sexy Corn Dog Vendor...Oh man, there are so many awesome jokes I could make about "wieners" and "meat handling" that I don't even know where to start.

On a side note, do you think there are any really screwed up costumes out there like "Sexy Terrorist" or "Sexy Suicide Bomber"? I was just wondering.

If anyone is curious (which you are not), I'm going as a raver. I think the most creative part of my costume is the white altoids I'm marking as "Extacy".

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Time for nostalgia


Remember Dunkaroos? How awesome were they, huh? Hellz yeah!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Take your pick

I thought that Andrew was right. After hearing Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor album and downloading his mixtapes, I thought for sure that he was indeed the savior of hip hop. If he can get his spins, that is.

However, I recently heard about a new artist who brings socially conscious hip hop to a whole new level. His beats leave something to be desired, but he spits nothing but fire. Just check out these lyrics...

"When you grow up, it's time to choose
from a big list of jobs that you can do.
You could be a doctor that helps cure a disease;
you could be a ship captain and sail the seas.
You could be a teacher and help spread knowledge
from kindergarten, high school, and college.
Carpenter, chef, and film producer
are all types of jobs that you can choose from!"

His name is Hip Hop Harry and it's obvious he's got a bad case of the Young Hov Virus.

Hopefully he'll stay true to his roots and not dumb down his lyrics once he breaks into the game.

I'm not sure who's hotter......

Hip Hop Harry (a.k.a. The Real Triple H a.k.a. Mr. Rep Your City a.k.a. The Big Yellow Cat-esque Thing) or Wasalu Jaco (a.k.a. Lupe Fiasco a.k.a. Mr. Bring It Back a.k.a. Lupe the Jedi)

You take your pick.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Things I have learned since last night

I cannot run through/break down a door that has been deadbolted shut.

Friday, October 13, 2006

More like Kim "Dong" Il!

Haha, he's in the Matrix!

Anyway, CNN is reporting that initial tests for radiation in the air over North Korea are coming back negative. Although they also state that there isn't enough information at this point to know whether or not a nuclear bomb has been tested. But I say who cares; lack of information has never stopped us from invading before. Let's take that crazy little man out.

Il probably dreamed the whole thing up because he'd knew it would scare the hell out of the U.S. I think he's still mad about the way he was portrayed in Team America: World Police.

Favorite Kim Jong-Il story? This one...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

He works hard for the money

His name is Andrew Swanson and he'll melt your face off! Check this out!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Meet my new best friend!

His name is Poke and we love hanging out! Just boys being boys, I guess! Here are some of the fun times we have shared! He is my new best friend and I want everyone to know it! I love you Poke!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Make a difference

I need a senator who will lead me into the future.

I need courage. I need integrity. I need someone who won't walk away from trouble.

That's why I'm casting my vote for Bag of Leaves!

Fuck that Frozen Peas guy!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

The steady decline of hip hop

So I found out via Billboard.com that Akon has a new song out. He's put out some okay stuff, so I logged onto YouTube to check it out. The video starts out with Akon in a jail cell singing the chorus to his song. It goes like this...

"Smack that, all on the floor.
Smack that, give me some more.
Smack that, 'til you get sore.
Smack that. Oooooh."

As I listened to this unbearable song, I couldn't help but think about the awful state hip hop music is in. Chris Rock was right, it's hard to defend rap music nowadays. It's not art anymore; it's barely even music. I guess the only thing that qualifies it as music would be the rhythmic sounds and bass that accompany words that somehow qualify as lyrics.

I could take this piece in a number of different directions, but I'd be up all night writing about what constitues originality in music and the state of race relations in America. I guess I'll just say that I miss quality hip hop. All I hear is vain, superficial bullshit and it is up to all of us to stop it. Please help save hip hop music and hip hop culture; it's being lost at an alarming rate.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Torii Hunter

I'm "going to bat" for Torii Hunter. A lot of "foul balls" have criticized this former Fort Wayne Wizard for diving to catch a shallow pop fly in Game 2 of the ALDS between the Twins and A's.

To me, these disparaging remarks are "coming out of left field" because the same people criticizing him are the same people who have applauded his go-for-broke style of defensive play.

The reason Mark Kotsay was able to score on the play is because the right fielder, Michael Cuddyer, "struck out" on his duty to backup the play. He simply watched Hunter because he expected him to come up with the "home run" catch.

Time for me to "infield fly" out of here!

Creepers on the bus

When I got on the bus today I ended up sitting in front of this hippie kid who smelled like dope. I felt like throwing a frisbee out the window so he'd dive out of the bus trying to catch it. Because it's against hippie law to let a frisbee hit the ground.

Sensual Senator

It warms my heart to know we have such prestigious pedophiles representing our country. What? You'd rather have just any pedophile off the street? What kind of a person are you?

I've picked out some of my favorite messages Mark Foley sent to his teenage internet sex buddy.

Maf54 (7:33:39 PM): i am in pensecola...had to catch a plane
Xxxxxxxxx (7:33:47 PM): oh well thats fun
Maf54 (7:34:04 PM): indeed

This is funny to me because I use the word "indeed" a lot.

Maf54 (7:37:27 PM): how my favorite young stud doing
Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:46 PM): tired and sore
Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:52 PM): i didnt no waltzing could make you sore
Maf54 (7:38:04 PM): from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:34 PM): what do you mean from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:42 PM): from waltzing...im sore from waltzing
Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): tahts good
Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): you need a massage

Haha. Classic.

Xxxxxxxxx (7:41:57 PM): ugh tomorrow i have the first day of
lacrosse practice
Maf54 (7:42:27 PM): love to watch that
Maf54 (7:42:33 PM): those great legs running

First the Duke Lacrosse team rapes a woman, then this perverted kid brings lacrosse up. My sport is really gaining a solid reputation.

This next part is long, but it's all hilarious. Enjoy...

Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:38 PM): lol no
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:40 PM): im single right now
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:57 PM): my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi
Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): are you
Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny
Xxxxxxxxx (7:47:29 PM): lol...a bit
Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:04 PM): no
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:16 PM): been too tired and too busy
Maf54 (7:48:33 PM): wow...
Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:51 PM): haha
Maf54 (7:50:02 PM): or tired..helps me sleep
Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:15 PM): thats true

Too true, young pervert and old pedophile. Too true.

The next 70 lines or so is completely dedicated to the subject of self-gratification. I'll spare you the details, but I'd be remiss if I didn't include at least a couple lines. If you're squeamish, do not read.

Maf54 (7:53:32 PM): love details

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:31 PM): well i dont use my hand...i use the bed itself

Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?

Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air

Maf54 (7:56:39 PM): i may try that

Maf54 (7:57:45 PM): where do you throw the towel

Maf54 (7:58:59 PM): but it must feel great spirting on the towel

Maf54 (7:59:48 PM): is your little guy limp...or growing

Ugh...I just threw up in my mouth a little.

While reading, keep in mind that this man is a United States Congressman who is a former co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children.

Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:20 PM): hey
Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:32 PM): so you have a fetich
Maf54 (8:00:32 PM): hey what
Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:40 PM): fetish**
Maf54 (8:00:43 PM): like
Maf54 (8:00:53 PM): i like steamroom
Maf54 (8:01:04 PM): whats yours
Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:09 PM): its kinda weird
Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:14 PM): lol
Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock
Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:23 PM): i have a cast fetish

I defy you to name one single person you know who doesn't have a cast fetish. Sooo hot.

Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:04 PM): normal clothes
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): tshirt and shorts
Maf54 (8:04:17 PM): um so a big buldge
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:35 PM): ya
Maf54 (8:04:45 PM): um
Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you
Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha
Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake
Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab

That's just good old fashioned cybersex right there.

Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:38 PM): ive already told you that
Maf54 (8:08:47 PM): tell me again
Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:49 PM): 7 and 1/2
Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful

Hold on......

Yep, there goes my dinner. Thanks Foley...asshole.

Some time later the conversation ends with this message...

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:53 PM): well i better go finish my hw...i just found out from a friend that i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english

Now, I've heard a lot about how this Foley guy is a pervert and is morally bankrupt for doing this, and it's all true, but what I can't figure out is how this kid gets none of the blame. He's in AP English for crying out loud! He's not some poor, innocent kid who is being preyed upon; he's a sick motherfucker too!

If all of this wasn't infuriating enough, Foley and his lawyer have come out in the past couple days and blamed it on the fact that he is an alcoholic, and more recently, that he was sexually abused by a clergyman as a teen.

1) Even if Foley was sexually abused, that's no excuse for being a pedophile nearly 40 years later.

2) I know alcohol, sir. Alcohol is a friend of mine. And at no point in time has alcohol ever made me want to seduce a young boy. Never. Don't you dare take alcohol's name in vain, you filthy motherfucker.

I don't know what punishment Foley is expecting, but I have seen Jackass 2 and I would love to see him and his little boyfriend strapped to a rocket and shot into oblivion.

God bless America.

We sure do need it.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Grimsley report

Roger Clemens will deny reports that he used steroids and everybody will believe him. Hmmm...I wonder why that is.

Fuckin' racist.