Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The New Seven Wonders of the World

Well, it's about time.

Don't get me wrong, I think the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World are fascinating, but it's 2006 and we need some new wonders.

Voting for the new 7 Wonders ends on July 7th, 2007. (07/07/07...very clever) The following are my votes (in no particular order) just in case you're having trouble making up your mind.

The Great Pyramids of Giza


Cristo Redentor
The Statues of Easter Island

Machu Picchu

The Roman Colosseum
The Great Wall of China

Monday, November 27, 2006

This is our country

This is our country.
From the East Coast to the West Coast.
Down the Dixie Highway back home.
This is our country.

If you don't own at least one Chevy Silverado then you hate America. Bottom line. I go out and buy one every time I see those wonderful commercials. I have 312 Silverados.

Rosa Parks loves the Silverado. So do hula hoop dancers. And Dr. King too. So do Vietnam vets and Muhammad Ali. Hippies love the Silverado. Nixon too. Little boys, astronauts, Dale Earnhardt, fishermen, forest fires, Hurricane Katrina victims, and, of course, cowboys all love a quality Chevy truck.

Just remember, if you don't buy a Chevy truck, the terrorists win.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Thanksgiving break

I haven't been on the internet since last Tuesday. Wow, that's crazy. I'm catching up right now. While I was gone, the following things happened.
  • Michael Richards (Kramer) exposed himself as a racist. Then he went on Letterman and told people he wasn't a racist. The audience sporadically laughed.
  • Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken got in a fight. Not a real fight, just some petty celebrity crap. Honestly though, who wouldn't like to watch those two fight? I'd put my money on Kelly.
  • OJ decided not to pursue that "What if I had actually killed Ron and Nicole?" thing. I guess we'll never know who killed those two. Oh wait! It really was OJ!
Aren't celebrities the neatest? Also, turkeys who can play the bagpipes are neat.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Johnnie Cochran is rolling in his grave

You know that if Johnnie was still alive The Juice would not be writing a book explaining to everyone how he would have killed Ron and Nicole.

Yes, it's true. If I Did It is a "fiction" book OJ is being paid to write about how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman. (A little more carefully I'm guessing.)

I was fortunate enough to obtain a copy of this controversial book before it hits the shelves later this month. If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll share with you some of the passages.

"Man, I can't believe how irresponsible I was, how could I have done such a thing? Not the murders mind you, that was totally cool. What I can't figure out is why I made such a mess. I'm obviously not very good at killing people. I just...I was in the zone, ya know? Haha, I still can't believe how many times I stabbed those two. (Content, reminiscent sigh)"

Oh, that OJ. What a character he is.

"Hey, remember how the police totally mishandled my crime scene? Haha, probably one of the reasons I got off scot free. Oh, and remember that Mark Fuhrman guy? Haha, thank goodness for racists, right? Seriously though, I wanted to kill him too, but I figured I was in enough heat at the moment. I might do that next week. I mean...I might "hypothetically" do that next week. ;)"

Smooth, OJ. I think the winky face is a nice touch. I don't know why he didn't just edit that "I might do that next week" sentence. Seriously, don't draw any more attention to yourself.

"How lame was my alibi, huh? What'd I say I was doing? Haha, I honestly don't even remember. I think I said I was sleeping or something. Maybe I said I was playing golf. Haha, who cares right?! I'm free, baby! I can play all the golf I want! Woo hoo! Remember how I said I'd spent the rest of my life searching for the real killer? Well, I found the mirror!! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

Come on, OJ. That was classless. Quit gloating.

"It's not bad that it's been 11 years and I haven't shown even a single hint of remorse, is it? Cause sometimes I think, 'Man, that's pretty screwed up that I don't even care.' But after that I usually just get really drunk and run around the neighborhood looking for women who look like Nicole and then I apologize to them. They get confused then I get upset, call them a bitch, and hit them. It's a whole thing."

Why hasn't anybody reported this?

I think that's all I can legally share with you, but the book comes out in a few short weeks and there is also a TV interview he's doing with Fox. Psh, figures.

I really don't think the book will be all that interesting, so don't kill yourself waiting for it. Watch out for OJ though!! Zing!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The New

Maybe this just amuses me, but I'll post it anyway.

Right around the time Facebook changed its format, CollegeHumor decided to do the same. The one major change was that you could use your university email address and become a member of the site. Being a member entitles you to post whatever you want and to comment on photographs.

Much like Facebook's new format, I didn't like it at first. I liked CollegeHumor because it would occasionally post funny pictures and it also gave me access to the web videos YouTube did not yet have. I thought the changes were unnecessary and told myself I would not bite.

I eventually succumbed after many weeks because if you're not a member, you could not read the comments. While I didn't wish to post, the curiosity of what others were saying got to me.

Being the witty genius that I am, I soon started to post comments. Not anything of importance mind you, but hilarious things such as calling clearly undoctored pictures "photoshopped."

I seemed to be the only one of CollegeHumor's members that found this practice hysterical and I quickly made enemies such as God's gift to hilarity, Isaac Kiener from Trinity College (see above). He even went so far as to mention me in his kickbutt CollegeHumor post! Aww, what a sweetheart! (I'm no longer mentioned.)

This incredibly awesome guy (see badass picture above) is just one of the many soldiers in CollegeHumor's loyal army of douchey, loserly guys with nothing better to do all day then post a comment on every photograph. It's almost as if CollegeHumor is their girlfriend and they have to defend her. (Obviously this is a gross hyperbole because it would involve these jokers having a girlfriend.)

I have had these awesome, clearly not pathetic individuals threaten my life and threaten to put body parts on my face. They were even nice enough to throw in the occasional "your mom" joke.

Although I don't find CollegeHumor very amusing at all anymore, I still occasionally visit the site to watch the web videos I miss on YouTube and, of course, to piss Isaac off.

I have also changed my picture on the site to a picture so kickass (see above) that everyone will have to love me no matter which pictures I classify as photoshops. [ No longer applicable :-( ]

Funnier than...

I just saw a trailer for this new movie Deck the Halls and I gotta say that it may just be the worst Christmas movie ever. However, if you really want to see it, here's a list of things that Deck the Halls IS funnier than.

- that other holiday movie Christmas with the Kranks

- the last two seasons of Family Guy

- Rex Grossman playing like a retarded, blind kid

- a retarded, blind kid

- whoever that one guy is who comes on after Letterman

- getting frostbite

- homework

- harpoon injuries (Haha! Okay, maybe not harpoon injuries.)

- James Hardy not catching touchdown passes

Oh! And Carlos Mencia. I wish he'd drown.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Election results!

So I went to bed Tuesday night with the Democrats having already took control of the House of Representatives and 3 senatorial spots left with the Democrats needing all 3 to control the Senate.

As of right now the Dems have won 2 of the 3 and are ahead in the only race left to be decided; the Virginia senate race with the Republican Bigot McRacist and the Democrat Womanhater McJewhater.

But I mean, come on, it's Virginia. Those qualities probably helped them get votes.

Democrats everywhere are rejoicing and seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that nothing will change. Sorry, but this new Congress isn't going to magically force Bush into doing everything on the Democratic agenda.

Congress will be as stagnant as ever because this is what Congress does. The Bush administration will be as stagnant as ever because that's what it does.

Both parties will bicker, then both parties will criticize the other while at the same time saying they wish to work together to help America solve all of it's problems and nothing will get done. It's politics folks, and this is what politics has become.

Enjoy the squabbling everyone! It's all you'll get!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sorry, his 15 minutes are up

This just in...Borat is no longer funny. Sorry, but it's true.

"Hey Alex, didn't the movie just come out?" You may be asking. Yes, that's the point.

Sacha Baron Cohen's "Borat" character has been around for many years and was hilarious for those in the know. Unfortunately, with the release of the major motion picture Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan the hilarity has come to an abrupt end.

This movie was funny for approximately 1 day until Andrew Swanson and I started to use arbitrary Borat quotes just for the hell of it. We decided to start the same trend that Napoleon Dynamite and Anchorman followed.

The movie itself was very funny, (not a masterpiece, but very funny nonetheless) but you won't think it's funny when the douchebag sitting behind you in J210 starts quoting the movie (often incorrectly) to his dumbass friends who will soon be doing the exact same thing.

Another parallel I'll draw that will further convince you the Borat craze is over is one to Chuck Norris. Remember when the Chuck Norris facts came out? They were pretty funny, but then everyone and their mother was the biggest Chuck Norris fan and you couldn't get away from people talking about roundhouse kicks.

This movie was the beginning of the end for Borat and if you're still not convinced read John Mayer's "Borat: A Prediction" on his blog. You're not going to disagree with John Mayer, are you?