Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Gay Robot

Gay Robot

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Gay Robot not getting picked up is worse than when Fox cancelled Arrested Development. Okay, so maybe it's not on that level, but still...

Enjoy the hilarity that is Gay Robot.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Frank and Bo pt. 1

Reader beware: This is easily the most ridiculous thing I've ever written. I got back from spring break not knowing I was supposed to have another short story ready, but I trudged ahead nonetheless. I combined two ideas to make this story. Dane, for one reason or another, told me to write about how Boo Berry, Franken Berry, and Count Chocula became friends. Kelly provided me with more sensible input, saying I could possibly make it into a Romeo & Juliet situation.

Not to be outdone, here are a couple of things to look for that were all me.

1) Notice the eerie similarities between my prologue and Billy Shakespeare's. I think he ripped me off.

2) Count how many breakfast puns you can find. I found 6. Also, look for allusions to other breakfast/cereal related things.

I don't really care what grade I get on this because I find it funny. I hate school. Enjoy...

Frank and Bo

Two dignified families, both guarding recipes treasured,

Lay in the city of Millsville, on hills too great to be measured.

From a bitter past and jealousies green,

Comes stunning betrayals where unwashed hands make an untarnished love come clean.

The offspring of adversaries, a pair of doomed dreamers choose their path and attempt to bury a rivalrous rouse.

They feared not the journey of ill-fated love, nor the anger from their elders’ mouths.

Now is the story of lovers bold,

And to patient ears it will be told.

“Mr. Oberry, I am so glad you could meet with me today,” Colin said as he extended his hand over the large oak desk.

“It’s my pleasure Mr. Chocula, please have a seat.” Mr. Oberry replied.

“I’ll be blunt, sir, I wish to marry your daughter,” Colin said.

The proposition caught Mr. Oberry off guard. He knew his daughter and Colin had attended several parties together, but he did not know Colin’s fascination with Bo had roots so deep.

“Listen, Colin,” Mr. Oberry started, “I know how puppy loves works. You know, I was young once.” Mr. Oberry chuckled. “But Bo is far too young to be married, she’s still a teenager!”

“I respect your opinion, Mr. Oberry, really I do, but Bo is mature beyond her 18 years. Surely, you know this,” Colin said.

“You are right about that,” Mr. Oberry said, “but I think both of you are still too immature to realize what a responsibility marriage is.”

“But sir—” Colin protested.

“Colin, relax. The Mrs. and I are having a party tonight to celebrate the third quarter victory over the Enberrys. Why don’t you stop by and we can discuss it there. I have much work left to finish.”

“Yes sir,” Colin said dejectedly. “I will see you tonight.”

In truth, Mr. Oberry hadn’t work to do, but a celebration to plan. Mr. Oberry’s father and his father before him had been in competition with the Enberry family for years and anytime gloating was in order, gloating was to be done. The rivalry goes back further than history books can record. Legend has it that the Enberrys and Oberrys were once friends and business partners who revolutionized the breakfast industry. Together, they had created a marshmallowy morning treat, but were starkly divided on which flavor should be added. The Enberry family had farmed strawberries for years, for them the answer was obvious. But the Oberrys disagreed, for their ancestors had overcome years of famine by feasting on blueberries, the only available sustenance. After a caustic split, the newfound rivals each started their own cereal company on opposite sides of the valley city, Millsville. As years passed, the competition became more and more personal. Smear campaigns beget guerrilla advertising tactics which beget criminal mischief and violence. Since Mr. Oberry took over the company in the 70’s, sales had fluctuated with the tastes of the city’s residents, but his company had been seeing strong numbers recently and he sensed the Oberry stock was on the rise.

On the other side of Millsville, young Frank Enberry had been locked in his room for days. It worried his father so much that Mr. Enberry had taken the day off with the sole intention of curing whatever ails Frank was suffering from.

“Please son, tell me what’s wrong. Your mother cries herself to sleep every night wondering why you refuse to leave this room,” Mr. Enberry said.

“Then I guess her heart is broken like mine,” Frank said as he continued to stare at the floor.

“A broken heart? Whatever do you mean? I don’t recall you ever mentioning a girl,” Mr. Enberry said.

“I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid that our love would be jinxed,” Frank said. “But she has moved away. It’s like she doesn’t even exist anymore. I don’t know how I can go on.”

Mr. Enberry smiled and put his arm around Frank. “Son, there are other girls out there, you know? Finding another one will not be difficult, for you are an Enberry! Enberrys always survive!”

In a stereotypical display of adolescent angst, Frank started to cry as he yelled at his father. “I don’t want to survive! I only want her back!” And with that, Frank dashed out of the house and ran down the hill into the city below.

His frustration and fury quelled halfway into Millsville and Frank decided to rest alone on a park bench. As he sat, couple after couple walked by hand in hand, laughing and talking. Frank Enberry grimaced as his loneliness ate him alive.

“Excuse me,” a sweet voice said while tapping him from behind. “May I sit next to you? I can’t seem to find an empty bench anywhere.”

Frank turned his head and looked up, right into the blue eyes of a beautiful woman he had never seen before.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. Frank slid over and instinctively fixed his hair and straightened out the wrinkles in his shirt.

“What brings you to the park?” Frank asked.

“I had to get away from my mother,” she replied. “Don’t parents just drive you crazy sometimes?”

Frank smiled and agreed. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“Bo. Bo Oberry,” she said. “What’s yours?”

Acting on impulse, he began to reply. “I’m Frank En…” But he stopped. Her name had finally sunk into his brain and he knew instantly why he had never seen her before.

“Frank what?” she asked.

He tried to salvage his mistake. “Uh, Frank En…stein,” he finally said.

Bo hadn’t realized what had just happened, much to the pleasure of Frank. As they talked, Frank fell more in love with Bo with each word she spoke. He soon was unable to remember even the name of his former love. She told Frank how her mother wanted her to marry a man named Colin, who she had accompanied to several business functions merely to please her father. Colin worked for her father and was a whiz with numbers, something that earned him the nickname “Count.” Colin was a valued member of the company, so Bo complied when Colin asked her to be his date.

“Count Chocula?” Frank said, scoffing. “Sounds like the name of a serial killer.”

Bo laughed and joined in on the ribbing. “He is a little odd,” she said. “He wears capes instead of coats and his house looks like a cardboard box.”

As they enjoyed each other’s company, it seemed that Bo was falling for Frank, too. The only difference was that she was falling in love with someone who wasn’t real. Frank was careful not to give away his identity and in doing so, had fabricated an entire life for “Frank Enstein.” How would she react when it came time for Frank to reveal his true last name? Frank didn’t care about his father’s rivalry, maybe she didn’t either. But what if she did care? Frank went back and forth in his mind and wasn’t thinking when Bo invited him to her parent’s party.

“Of course I’ll go,” he said.

“Great! I’m going to head home and help set up, I’ll see you tonight,” Bo said.

As he watched her walk away, his heart and brain battled for supremacy, but he already knew who would win.

Frank and Bo pt. 2

Hidden under a brown wig, Frank watched Bo and Colin talk from the other side of the room. He noticed Bo drifting in and out of the conversation as she looked all around for the boy with short red hair. Frank felt guilty, but his disguise was necessary. If any of the other Oberrys spotted him here, he wasn’t sure he’d make it out alive. When Colin went to mingle with his co-workers, Frank made his move. He slinked to the other side of the crowded room and stared at a rippling Bo from the other side of an aquarium. She looked devastated. He tapped on the glass and looked right into her eyes, praying she’d recognize him. She did.

“Hey Frank! What’s with the getup, silly? This isn’t a costume party!” she said.

“Bo, I have to talk to you outside. Come with me,” he said.

The porch was dimly lit and the cool breeze chilled them both. “Why are we out here, Frank? I’m freezing,” Bo said.

“I’m not who you think I am,” Frank said.

“You mean you’re not Frank Enberry?” she asked.

Frank looked blankly into her eyes and released his grip on her shoulders. “You mean…?” he began to ask.

“Of course, Frank. How stupid do you think I am? I mean, come on, ‘Frank Enstein?’ That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard,” she said laughing. “But I don’t care about our father’s dumb, little feud.”

“You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that,” Frank said. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you left that bench. There’s just something about you, something I can’t explain, something deep down. I feel like there’s a prize in you I’ve yet to find.”

He wanted to say more, but Bo had heard enough and she kissed him under the secrecy of the night sky.

As it goes in situations like Bo and Frank's, no one starts off suspicious due to the unbelievability of the event. Under this cloud, they were able to roam worry free in the secluded countryside east of Millsville. They raced up and rolled down the small hills and lay together in fields of wildflowers, breathing in the aroma. Bo sung Frank her favorite songs and Frank confided in her his reoccurring dream in which he swam in a white lake, only to be abducted by aliens in a circular, shiny object and dropped into a giant black pit. However, as the two consistently returned home with grass stains on their jeans and implausible excuses, suspicions began to arise.

A distraught Colin made it his mission to figure out why Bo was never around anymore. One night he followed Bo as she drove through the city and went into the popular restaurant, The Yummy Mummy. He watched in disgust and awe as a man embraced her in a dark corner booth. The man’s face was hidden underneath sunglasses and the shadow of a hat, but Colin was persistent. He sat alone, hidden, but within earshot, and it didn’t take long to figure out who the mysterious man was.

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Bo,” Frank said. “If you don’t want to get married just tell me. Don’t spoonfeed me a bunch of excuses.”

“You know that’s not the case at all, Frank,” Bo said. “I just want a real wedding with my friends and family.”

“Bo, you know that can’t happen. Our families can barely coexist in the same city, let alone in a church watching the two of us get married.”

Even if Frank and Bo had known Colin was at the restaurant spying on them, they would have had the same conversation. The couple had grown tired of secret meetings and elaborate stories to cover their tracks. More and more they had begun to enjoy the busyness of the city as they once had, albeit with some level of discretion.

Being the lackey he was, Colin went straight to Mr. Oberry the next morning.

“She what?!” Mr. Oberry shouted, grabbing Colin by his lapels.

“That’s right, sir. I was just as shocked as you are,” Colin said.

Mr. Oberry stormed over to his desk picked up the phone in such haste that he knocked its base to the ground. After summoning Colin to pick it up, Mr. Oberry did something he never thought he’d do. He called Mr. Enberry. The only time the two men had ever spent together was the Cereal Conventions held ever year, and even then they did their best to avoid one another. Upon hearing the news, Mr. Enberry screamed as loud and Mr. Oberry had, and they called for a temporary alliance.

“Do these two not realize how they’re making us look?” Mr. Oberry bellowed.

“Frank told me was staying home all day,” Mr. Enberry said. “Let’s head over to my house first.”

Mr. Oberry rushed out to his car, Colin not too far behind, and the two men drove to Enberry Incorporated to pick up Mr. Enberry. The two fathers muttered greetings to each other while Colin sat smiling in the backseat, eager to watch Frank’s heart break. Mr. Oberry sped up the driveway and stopped just short of the garage door. Mr. Enberry unlocked the front door and threw it aside as he raced up to Frank’s room, Mr. Oberry and Colin followed close.

“This way,” Mr. Enberry said pointing right.

Before Mr. Enberry went to grab the doorknob, but froze. Colin and Mr. Oberry did the same.

“What…What is that?” Colin asked.

“It better not be what I think it is,” Mr. Oberry said.

“I’m afraid it is,” Mr. Enberry replied. “I’m afraid it is.”

The doorknob was flecked with not only red crumbs, but blue crumbs as well, and inside the doors laughter could be heard.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Mr. Enberry screamed as he charged through the door.

The level of his voice alone was enough to cause Frank to panic and he spilled his bowl all over his lap.

“Blueberry?! In my house?!” Mr. Enberry said furiously. “Have you gone mad, boy?!”

How anyone heard anyone else in that room is a miracle because at the same time Mr. Enberry was yelling at Frank, Mr. Oberry was shouting at Bo for eating a bowl of strawberry flavored cereal. Colin was cupping his hands, shaking, riddled with excitement. When the volume in the room settled, Frank and Bo were able to plead their case.

“I doubt that you two came in here to yell at us about cereal,” Frank said. “So why don’t you say what’s really on your mind.”

Mr. Enberry spoke first. “How could you betray our family, Frank? You know that we don’t associate with Oberrys. They are selfish, stubborn people.”

“Who are you calling selfish and stubborn, Enberry?” Mr. Oberry said. He turned his attention to Bo. “Honey, starting a relationship with an Enberry will only lead to disaster. They are but money-grubbing snakes.”

As the two men began to argue, Frank and Bo looked at each other and rolled their eyes. A loud whistle from Frank stopped the argument. “Look at yourselves,” he said. “You two are the same person! Can you even remember why you hate each other? Have you even tried the other’s cereal?”

The question caught both men off guard. They looked at each other with puzzled looks upon their faces.

“Please Daddy, try it for me,” Bo said. “End this now so Frank and I can be happy. I want you to see me get married."

Mr. Oberry locked eyes with his rival. “I’ll be honest, Enberry,” he said. “I’ve not once had your cereal.”

“And I yours,” Mr. Enberry said. An optimistic silence filled the room until it was broken by an impatient Colin.

“Aw, come on! Don’t fall for that!” he said.

“Shut up, Count. Go wait in the car,” Mr. Oberry ordered.

As Colin sulked out of the room, Mr. Oberry turned back to Mr. Enberry. “I’m willing to try it if you are,” he said. Mr. Enberry agreed.

The Oberry-Enberry feud ended that day as each man couldn’t get enough of the other’s product. Although they remain on opposing hills, the two families went into business together and to commemorate the historic occasion, they released a brand new cereal, the Frank and Bo Enberry Fruit Medley, complete with wedding bell marshmallows. As for Colin “Count” Chocula, he was terminated and fled Millsville, never to be heard from again.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Time Invariably Wasted

It's time for a rousing game of Good News, Bad News!

The Good News is I finished my first 5 page paper.
The Bad News is I have to write a 10-15 page paper that's due in 30.5 hours.

The Good News is I'm getting pretty good at Guitar Hero II.
The Bad News is I wasted roughly 2.5 to 3 hours playing it.

The Good News is I know what I want to write my next short story about.
The Bad News is I haven't started it yet.

The Good News is I get to go to bed now.
The Bad News is I probably won't get to sleep at all tomorrow night.

I hate school.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm screwed

Hey! That's me!

Why am I screwed? I have another 10-15 page paper due on Thursday. That's correct, this Thursday. Was I actually expected to do work over spring break? Who the fuck does my teacher think she is?

Anyway, I won't be sleeping over the next 2 days, so if you have a really good idea let me know. Thanks!

Monday, March 12, 2007

March Madness to April Sadness

I was there the last time the Final Four was played in Atlanta, but I don't think I'll take IU or Maryland to get there again. Oklahoma isn't even in the tournament, so they're out. However, I am taking Kansas to get back to Atlanta, along with Florida, Texas, and Texas A&M.

I like Kansas' style and I've been a Brandon Rush fan since he was high school. They play better and smarter than a team with no seniors should and that comeback against Texas really impressed me.

Speaking of Texas, I have them coming out of the East because I didn't want to pick UNC like everyone else. I chose Texas over Georgetown mostly because of Kevin Durant. His situation reminds me a lot of when Carmelo Anthony played at Syracuse. (And looked what happened to them.)

I think Florida will come out of the Midwest. They are just plain good and Joakim Noah really intimidates opponents with that horrible, awful, frightening mask he wears. Yipes!

I didn't want to put three #1 seeds in the Final Four, so I chose Texas A&M over Ohio State. Who knows if this will happen, but I can't figure out who else to pick in the South. Top to bottom, the South is the weakest bracket. (At least the Midwest has Florida.) I don't think Ohio State is ready to be a championship team and if Oden gets in foul trouble (which happens often) they aren't deep enough to compete with the other big schools.

I don't know which of the smaller schools will be the next George Mason, but I have Davidson (a 13 seed) and Oral Roberts (a 14 seed) both getting to the Sweet Sixteen. I want to pick either Long Beach State or Albany to reach the Sweet Sixteen as well, but for some reason I have Virginia in that spot. I'll probably end up changing that tomorrow.

No one really knows how to predict the NCAA Tournament and those who say they do are morons. It has always been a crapshoot and it will only become more unpredictable as the parity grows. If you have a clean bracket by the fifth or sixth day, guess what? You got lucky. Thirteen-year-old boys have turned in perfect brackets by picking which name sounds dirtier. Note: If you're thinking about heading in this direction, go with Oral Roberts and Butler.

As for me, I am betting that my bracket is in the trash by the start of the Elite Eight. I start off well enough, but without fail, my sleepers will be violently woken up and my hunches will wilt under numerous punches. This is why my March Madness will always end in April Sadness.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Best. Joke. Ever.

I'm trying not to get caught up in the moment, but I think I may have just created the greatest joke ever told. And that is really saying something since I have created so many excellent jokes over the past 3-4 years. Are you sitting down? Are you ready for it? Here it comes. Don't say I didn't warn you...


300 is okay, but I just saw a preview for an even cooler movie. It's an epic tale about an assortment of items including a wheelbarrow, a top hat, and a thimble (among others) who compete against each other to collect as much money and property as they can. Know what it's called?

400: The Battle of Ther"monopoly"


Did you ever imagine that one person could be this funny? Neither did I.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

What I'm Watching Now

Even though I know what he's saying is false, I can't stop watching and listening to this speech from Barack Obama. (He was born in 1961, about 4 years before the Selma marches actually began.)


If you liked the movie Trading Places and you like hip hop, you should really enjoy this.