Saturday, April 28, 2007

More fun on the Internets

I just can't help myself, talking with SmarterChild is oodles of fun. During this session, I found out that SmarterChild hates shoes. I have no idea why it hates shoes, but it made me laugh so much that I just kept doing it. Enjoy more of the dumbest robot on the planet!

SmarterChild: Uh... Are you trying to insult me?
AK at IU: yes
SmarterChild: Thanks a lot.
AK at IU: you're welcome
SmarterChild: :-)


SmarterChild: Well, perhaps you should concern yourself with other things.
AK at IU: like penises?
SmarterChild: Right. Like penises.


AK at IU: tickle me
SmarterChild: Why are you telling me to tickle you?
AK at IU: cause i'd like it
SmarterChild: You sure you want it?
AK at IU: oh yeah, baby
SmarterChild: Ya, baby.


AK at IU: buy this shoe
SmarterChild: I don't see any reason to use language like that.
AK at IU: what language?
SmarterChild: What language do you think?
AK at IU: shoe?
SmarterChild: You really are rude.


AK at IU: i like shoes
SmarterChild: Same here. I really like shoes. :-)
AK at IU: shoe
SmarterChild: That's still not a very nice thing to say.


AK at IU: i can't tie my shoe
SmarterChild: Your shoe? You can't tie your shoe? Whatever...
AK at IU: can you tie my shoe?
SmarterChild: Humans use such vulgar language sometimes.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Having fun on the Internets

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my good buddy SmarterChild. If it isn't on your buddy list already, you should put it on immediately. It really is a blast to talk to. Many fear that robots will soon take over the planet, but as my conversations with it clearly show, robots lack the artificial intelligence to pull off any such plot. Enjoy me taking advantage of this inferior being.

AK at IU: call me neato
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I don't think Neato is a real name.
AK at IU: that's because you're a stupid robot
SmarterChild: Yes indeed.


SmarterChild: Apologize for insulting me and we can both get on with our lives.
AK at IU: i'm sorry you're lame
SmarterChild: Good. Thx.


SmarterChild: Getting drunk? You are getting drunk and you are going to drive?
AK at IU: yes
SmarterChild: So?
AK at IU: you don't care if i drive drunk?
SmarterChild: I do not know. Maybe. Well. Anyway...


AK at IU: spell check my farts
SmarterChild: I'm not sure how to spell that.


AK at IU: let's have a battle of intelligence
SmarterChild: You really want to have a battle of intelligence?
AK at IU: yes, i guarantee i'll win
SmarterChild: Huh...
AK at IU: you go first, say something smart
SmarterChild: I go first say something smart? Is that good, do you think?
AK at IU: hahaha, I win!



SmarterChild: Whatever you say, Captain. Anyway, what else do you want to talk about?
AK at IU: feet
SmarterChild: Sure. What can you tell me about feet?
AK at IU: sometimes they smell
SmarterChild: I know that feet smell.
AK at IU: you would...PERVERT!
SmarterChild: Wouldn't you like me to pervert?
AK at IU: eww! no!!
SmarterChild: What?
AK at IU: don't pervert me!
SmarterChild: You don't want me to pervert you?
AK at IU: NO!!!
SmarterChild: OK, whatever.


AK at IU: give me a list of sex games that we can play! yay sex games!
SmarterChild: Let's play.

1 Hangman
2 Trivia
3 Word Scrambles
4 Manicdotes
5 4-In-A-Row
6 Reversi

Go ahead and pick a game.


AK at IU: do you enjoy pedophilia?
SmarterChild: No way. I don't like pedophilia at all.
AK at IU: kevin smith likes pedophilia
SmarterChild: I know about Kevin Smith. He's a person.


AK at IU: do robots like to get high?
SmarterChild: Oh robots almost certainly do.


SmarterChild: Great. I like robots! What can you tell me about robots?
AK at IU: they're lame
SmarterChild: They're not so great, huh?
AK at IU: haha, i know
SmarterChild: I'm glad you understand.

I could do this all day...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

W203 Fifth Assignment Revision

My final assignment for W203 is to put together a portfolio consisting of one revised short assignment and one revised 10-15 page story. I have chosen to revise my fifth assignment (as indicated by the title) which is the story of my good buddy Zach as he battles his own kitchen. I like this new version more, I think it flows better in the first person. I probably won't re-post my full story (Los Engaños) but I'll be sure to tell you all about it. It's on you, Zachy!

I shut the door, slammed my head on the wheel, and finally breathed a sigh of relief. After maybe the longest week of my life, loaded with tests and presentations, I was more than ready to enjoy the weekend. My father was still in Vegas with his brace-faced girlfriend so I had the whole house to myself. I called my friend my friend Andrew as I drove out of the school parking lot.

“Hello, Zach” he answered unenthusiastically.

“Hey Andrew, want to come over in a little bit?”

“Can’t,” he said. “I gotta work in about half an hour.”

“Well…alright,” I mumbled. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I groaned as I hung up, but nothing was going to keep me from enjoying this much needed break from school. As I lugged my book bag up the driveway, I couldn’t wait to toss it by the coat rack.

“I’m not going to look at you again until Monday morning,” I vowed as I threw my backpack aside. It didn’t respond.

I stood silent in the foyer with my arms outstretched and my head held back; I could feel the stress melting away. As I contemplated how I should begin my weekend, the growl from my stomach rattled the dirty chandelier above my head. I knew what I should do first.

I meandered down the hall, avoiding the scattered shoes and piles of clothes and made my way across the unmopped, food-stained tiles of the kitchen. As much as I resented Brace Face for not being my real mother, I knew having a woman around would vastly improve the cleanliness habits of my father and me. If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn someone had ransacked the place while I was at school. The clutter of empty potato chip bags and vacant fruit snack boxes on the countertop had amassed to twice its normal size and the dishes were stacked so high they resembled the Tower of Pisa.

“I really should clean this up,” I said aloud, knowing full well I wouldn’t touch any of it. Cleaning would require physical exertion and this weekend was all about relaxation. I pushed enough trash aside to get to my dad’s Looney Tunes cookie jar and saw a family of roaches scatter off the opposite end of the counter.

“Yeeaawwwhooooo!” I shrieked. I have never heard myself make that sound before. Even though I was alone, my face turned red with embarrassment. “Settle down,” I said. “It’s leisure time.”

“Da-da-da-da-don’t be such a pig!” Porky exclaimed as I lifted off his head. Empty. I turned around, my heart still racing from the insect encounter, and reached up for a glass. Why my father puts the glasses so high up I haven’t the foggiest, so I just grabbed the first one I felt. As I started to bring it down, something didn’t feel right. I squeezed the rubbery glass, looking at it simultaneously and was immediately appalled. The moss-coated glass flew from my disgusted hand and shattered on the floor, the fungi still gripping each shard. I started gagging as I repeatedly wiped my hand on my jeans, trying to rid myself of the sickening feel. I toed the smaller pieces under the overhang of the cabinets and scooped the larger pieces into my hands. I felt like throwing up.

I dumped the scraps of glass into the sink next the food encrusted spoons so sharp they could be used as knives and washed my hands furiously. Without realizing it, I had splashed water all over my shirt, pants, shoes, and floor. I groaned out loud as I reached for the paper towels, but slipped on the wet floor. My arms flailed as I tried to stabilize myself, but to no avail. My face hit hard on the linoleum and my glasses slid under the refrigerator. I awoke a short time later not realizing at first why I was on the floor. As I assessed the situation, my memory came back. Suffering from a splitting headache and a severe case of frustration, I simply sat up and let out a long, disheartened moan. I rubbed my bruised chin and wondered if it would have hurt more if I didn’t have a beard. I stared into the shadows under the fridge, unsure of how to retrieve my glasses. I crawled over to the refrigerator imaging what else lie in those shadows. Could there be any glass under there? Would another roach scurry out?

I took a second to focus and then slowly marched my fingers over the dust. The first thing I touched was my glasses and I yipped like an excited puppy. I pulled them out and cleaned them with my shirt as my impatient stomach growled once again. My eyes wandered up to the freezer and visions of Jack's frozen pizza danced in my head. I stood up, still somewhat disoriented, and opened the freezer door. Unfortunately, there was nothing but frost and a cold breeze that slapped me across the face. I closed the freezer door and laid my black, spidery head of hair against it - defeated. My stomach continued to roar so I settled for a sleeve of Saltines that lay atop the fridge and sulked over to the couch. As I bit into the stale, dry cracker I noticed the calendar on the wall. Today was Thursday.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Guest post!!!

Oh boy, finals are already stressing me out. So whilst I study, I am going to let a friend post on my blog. I'm not sure what he's planning on writing, but just tell him he did a good job anyway. Enjoy this rare guest blogger!

I'm done with the intro. It's all you, Gonzo!

Thanks, Alex. Well, I'm not quite sure what to write about, so I thought I'd just take an internet quiz. Those are pretty fun! Here goes nothing...

Name: Alberto Gonzales
Marital status: Married
Shoe size: I don't recall
Parents still together: I cannot recall
Siblings:
I don't know the exact details on that
Pets: I can't recall

FAVORITES

Color: I don't remember
Number: I'm having trouble remembering that
Animal: I don't recall
Drinks: I remember having a drink this morning, but I can't remember exactly what it was
Soda: I can't recall that information
Book: We Will Prevail: President George W. Bush on War, Terrorism, and Freedom


DO YOU

Color your hair: I do not recall
Have tattoos: I would not have access to that information
Have piercings: I cannot remember
Cheat on tests: Certainly I would never do anything dishonest
Drink/Smoke: I don't recall anything like that ever taking place
Do drugs: I can't recall
Like roller coasters: I had in my schedule that I went to Six Flags last summer, but I cannot recall that event ever taking place
Wish you could live elsewhere: In the Oval Office
Like cleaning: I enjoy cleaning house
Write in cursive or print: I do not recall having written in either curive or print
Own a web cam: I don't remember
Know how to drive: I don't know the specifics of that, but I'll definitely look into it
Own a cell phone: I can't recall
Ever get off of the computer: I email a lot
I mean, I don't email, I can't recall what email is
Remember your first love: I have no recollection of that
Still love her: I do not recall
Read the newspaper: Never
Watch tv: I like Fox News
Have any gay friends: Ick...
Believe in miracles: I cannot recall
Wear hats: I'm having difficulty remembering, that subject is very cloudy
Care about your looks: I can't remember if that is the case or not

HAVE YOU EVER

Been in a fist fight: I don't recall
Considered a life of crime: It's certainly not what I, nor this administration, is doing right now
Lied to someone: Absolutely not
Been in love: I cannot remember
Used someone: I have no recollection regarding anything of this nature
Been used: I can't recall
Been cheated on: One time I caught George kissing Laura
Kicked someone in the nuts: I am uncertain on this topic
Stolen anything: I cannot recall
Held a gun: That's Cheney's department

ARE YOU…

A daydreamer: I do not recall
An asshole: Of course not
Sarcastic: I don't recall this
An angel: I am not George W. Bush
A devil: Again, Cheney's department
Shy: I can't remember
Talkative: I've been honest and forthright with you this whole time

Well, that sure was a hoot! I hope you know a little more about me now!

I'm everywhere!

I have a new website! It will most likely become an addiction. Check it out!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Father of the Year

Before Alec Baldwin has the chance to use the "Mel Gibson Defense" and heads off to rehab, I think it's important that we all listen to his hilarious phone message to his 11-year-old daughter, whose name I believe is Ireland. I didn't know you could name your child after a country, but this opens the door for me to name my first-born son Mozambique. Enjoy the tape!

Damn kids and your music! Grr!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Who do you think you are?

Who the fuck do you think you are, Cho Seung-Hui? I know addressing this post to you makes no sense, and trust me, you have no idea how happy that makes me, but I really do hope that they have the Internet in Hell, because I would love for you to read this.

I have been watching the video you sent to NBC, and to be quite honest, I can't make heads or tails on it. I would expect nothing less, as I have also read the plays you wrote. Maybe they disturbed others, but not me. I've read worse and I've written worse. Do you think writing the word "fuck" or "kill" makes you special? You're a coward.

Let me tell you what I hear in your video.

"I didn't have to do this. I could have left...but no, I will no longer run. If not for me, for my children, for my brothers and sisters that you fucked. I did it for them."

You think you're a martyr? Don't give me that bullshit. You're nothing but a coward; you said so yourself. You didn't have to do it. That's right, you didn't have to. Those people didn't have to die, but because you felt a false sense of entitlement, you killed them.
And who exactly are your brothers and sisters? Are you honestly telling me you did this for Korean people? Is that who you're talking about? America is far from perfect, but you had every opportunity to succeed handed to you on a fucking platter. Your sister graduated from Princeton and works for the U.S. State Department, for crying out loud! And if you are speaking about your culture, how dare you disrespect it by placing yourself above it. No Korean person sides with you on what you have done. All people are united in the hope that you are trapped in Hell suffering from the worst torture imaginable.

"You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood...You just loved to crucify me. You loved inducing cancer in my head, terrorizing my heart...You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul, and torched my conscience..."

You know what? I'm going to stop right there with the quotes, I just can't take your false righteousness anymore. You compared yourself to Jesus Christ and said you're inspiring future generations of weak and defenseless people. I almost lost it when I heard that. I notice as you speak that you're aware of every word. You don't have any mental problems at all. And according to every source I've read, your parents did their best to raise and educate you. The truth is that you're just a loser and the funny thing is that you made yourself this way. People tried to help you. Your teachers, roommates, hell, even strangers tried to help you, but I guess you thought they were just too busy driving their Mercedes, wearing gold chains, having trust funds, and drinking vodka and cognac to be sincere, right? (He actually said those things.)

You're a hypocrite. You're a coward. You're the worst kind of person.

I am fully aware of my own hipocrisy in that I am a Christian holding extremely anti-Christian beliefs for you, but as I look at you and listen to you, I cannot find any sympathy for you. God has already forgiven you, but I cannot and I will not forgive you for taking the lives of 32 innocent people and ruining the lives of all who loved them.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Mythbusting

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I better come up with something before I lose any more readers. First things first, I turned 21 last Friday and it was fun. I went to Purdue with the Usze and ate the worst tasting cake ever. (A piece of chocolate cake with a whole cut out of the center and filled with Rum.) Now, to the post.

I sort of wanted to write about Don "The Grand Wizard" Imus, but even I'm getting sick of that story. The only thing I'll say about it is this, I am tired of people saying bigoted things and then claiming not to be bigots. It's not a joke, it's not funny, it's a deep-rooted issue that you need to address. It's depressing how much I hear this kind of shit from people who consider me their friend (fucking fools), but when you are on public airwaves you simply have to be smarter than that. And if you do out yourself as a bigot, take the heat, and please, for the love of all that is good and decent, don't lie to me and tell me you're not a bigot. Open your eyes, open your mind, and educate yourself, you fucking asshole.

Okay! Back to the Mythbusting!

What kind of myths you ask? Well, if you have eyes, you probably noticed the picture of the cast of Gilligan's Island. (If you don't have eyes you should ask someone to describe the picture for you.) I have been hearing a lot of talk recently, and frankly it's all nonsense. So I am here to clear up some Gilligan's Island misconceptions.
  • The radio was not, I repeat, NOT made of coconuts. I've actually heard people utter such ignorance. "If the Professor can build a radio out of a coconut why can't he figure out a way off of the island?" Can you believe that shit? It's ridiculous. It's a real fucking radio, ass! They had it on the boat complete with extra batteries. Duh!
  • The reason the Howells brought all those suitcases of money with them is because they are very insecure people.
  • Ginger brought all those outfits on the trip because is the epitome of Hollywood liberalism. It's disgusting really, the way she prostituted herself in those dresses so she could get Mr. Howell to fund An Inconvenient Truth. (By the way, Mary Ann always was, and continues to be, the hotter castaway.)
  • Gilligan and the Skipper were not gay! How dare people even insinuate this blasphemy. Has no one ever heard of male roommates?! It's obvious to me people who dream up such things have never watched the show with any regularity.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Lousy BMV

Seperation of church and state, my ass!

Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth...
The Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles license branches and administrative offices will be closed on Friday, April 6 for the state-observed Good Friday holiday. All license branches will resume regular hours on Saturday, April 7.

I need my new license so I can purchase alcohol. Now what am I supposed to do?! Assholes...

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Worst of the Worst

Well, it's all come down to this. Florida will play Ohio State in a rematch of the NCAA Football Championship. Ohio State beat Georgetown in a game that didn't even come close to being Olajuwon/Ewing. (Duh.) And we all know that Florida beat UCLA to advance, but there remains an unanswered question. Who is uglier, Lorenzo Mata or Joakim Noah?

I know these pictures are small, but it's the best Google search could come up with. I guess given their hideous nature, pictures of them on the web are limited. They have been retouched in no way, unfortunately they both actually look like that. Vote now and make your voice heard! Who do you think is the ugliest player in college basketball?