Monday, October 29, 2007

My joke is THIS funny!

I've written my first joke for the 2008 General Election. (Remember, this is copyrighted.)

The taller presidential candidate has won 54% of the time, as opposed to 39% for the shorter. Trying to get any edge he can, Rudolph Giuliani has listed his height at 9'11".®

I've only got this one new joke because I have no idea who is going to be in the election, there are simply too many candidates. I just figured Giuliani might stick it out. I do have one carry over joke though, and here it is.

Hillary Clinton wants to be the president. Does that make Bill the First Lady?!?®

Haha, classic...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

9/11 times 2356

Thank goodness for Spanish police who just stopped a "world jihad." World jihad? That'd be like 9/11 times 100. My gosh...

91,100...

Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Worst of the Worst 2

DISCLAIMER:
The following images will most likely give you awful, horrible nightmares. It is a mistake to view them right before you go to bed.

Now, it's time once again for the game where you, the (nonexistent) reader, gets to decide...

WHO! SCARES! YOU! MORE!

At the top, we have former Nobel laureate/acclaimed bigot Jim Watson, who has come under fire recently for saying that Africans are a less intelligent people. At the bottom, we have Mr. Hillary Clinton, presidential nominee and pantsuit connoisseur.

Who is it, America?! Who scares you more?!


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Verizon's a rat

So here's a story that affects me. At least, I think it affects me.

Verizon has released "tens of thousands" of communication records to local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies. I don't entirely understand this story, but I can only assume I am now on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list. In an effort to spite the federal government and the GAY-triot Act, I will be using the words "bomb," "terrorist," and "holy war" as much as possible. Call me at your own risk.

Friday, October 12, 2007

That fact is wack!

Fact: In Germany, it is considered an offense to wear sandals without also wearing socks. It's no wonder they lost all those wars...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

But I want it!!

Somewhere in the great pollution trap that is Pennsylvania, a 14-year-old boy has been arrested for planning what is believed to be some type of Columbine-esque shooting. The image above is just some of the dozens of weapons he had amassed. The best part?

"The boy's mother bought the assault rifle for him several weeks ago at a gun show, police said." Sounds like we got a candidate for Mother of the Year on our hands. Yay!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

9/11 conspiracy revealed

I have discovered who is responsible for 9/11. Through my own independent research (independent research sponsored by MoveOn.org), I have compiled enough information to make an eagle cry. That's right all you "How'd he do dats," I know. And I'll be happy to tell you. It all started when I heard that Dick Cheney stopped in Utah for a secret meeting of the Council for National Policy.

"The who?" I asked myself. That's when I started my research. Turns out that the CNP, a "'little-known group of a few hundred of the most powerful conservatives in the country,' who meet three times yearly behind closed doors at undisclosed locations for a confidential conference."

The media is not allowed to attend their meetings and for good reason. Many in the organization are Christian Reconstructionists who "advocate the death penalty for adulterers, blasphemers, incorrigible teen-agers, gay people, 'witches' and those who worship 'false gods'." (Thanks Barbara Forrest!)

Turns out, they also "espouse a radical theology that calls for trashing the U.S. Constitution and replacing it with the harsh legal code of the Old Testament." You mean something like...the Patriot Act?!?! (Bum, bum, buuuuuuummm)

The CNP orchestrated the destruction of the Pentagon, the World Trade Center buildings, and that field in Pennsylvania. Don't believe me? All the information you need is right here. Never forget...where you heard it first.

Monday, October 01, 2007

What I'm Watching Now

SNL has done it once again. While the show has certainly seen better days, its digital shorts rarely miss. Here is just another example if you haven't seen it already. I hope it doesn't get removed, apparently NBC's YouTube channel has already taken its copy down. I don't get it.

W203 Fifth Assignment (¡En Español!)

Get back, Jack! Cause it's the Zach attach! What's that wachy Zachy up to now? Well, he's back in the kitchen again, only this time it's a Spanish kitchen! Sadly, it's not nearly as interesting as the English version, but have fun not understanding it anyway!

Yo cerré la puerta del carro de mis padres, arrojé mi cabeza contra del volante, y finalmente di un suspiro de alivio. Había sufrido por una semana larga, llena de exámenes y presentaciones, y estaba listo para relajarme todo el fin de semana. Mis padres visitaban a mis abuelos en Toledo y estaba emocionado porque tenía la casa yo mismo. Llamé a mi mejor amigo Andrew mientras manejaba por el estacionamiento.

“¿Qué tal, Alex?” Andrew dijo sin entusiasmo.

“Hola, Andrew. ¿Quieres venir a mi casa? No tengo nada para hacer.”

“No. Voy a trabajar en media hora.”

“Bueno. Adiós,” yo dije. Gemí y colgué el teléfono. Querría tener un amigo para compartir la diversión.

Durante el viaje en coche, consideré cuál cosas haría ese fin de semana. Quizás iría de compras o pasaría el tiempo con mi hermano, pero no haría mi tarea. Cuando llegué a mi casa, arrastré mi mochila a través de la entrada y no podía esperar para tirar mis libros cerca el armario y olvidarlos.

“No yo miraré a ti hasta la mañana del lunes,” yo exclamé. Mi mochila no respondió.

Caminé en el vestíbulo y quedé de pie en silencio y estiré mis brazos; sentía el estrés derretirse. Yo contemplé cómo debía empezar mi fin de semana y de repente oí el rugido de mi estómago. El sonido era lo suficiente fuerte como para sacudir la araña de luces. Necesitaba comer.

Anduve por el pasillo hacia la cocina y yo vi un montón de platos tan alto como El Torre de Pisa en Italia y cajas vacías de comida. Yo dije en voz alta, “Debo fregar los platos y levantarse las cajas antes de a mis padres vuelven. No quiero estar en un apuro.” Entonces, alcancé el tarro de galletas y una cucaracha gigante corrió al otro lado del mostrador. Chillé como una chiquita. Estaba contento que nadie me había oído, pero estaba embarazoso todavía. Cuando me tranquilicé, intenté coger una galleta otra vez, pero a había ninguna y grité a la cucaracha para comerlas.

Tomé un vaso para beber agua, pero todos estaban sucios. Apagué el grifo y como una ola cocha en la playa, el agua roció por todas partes del piso sucio.

“¡Dios míos!” yo grité. “¡Quiero comer ahora!”

Traté a salir de la cocina para buscar la fregona, pero yo deslicé. Caí al suelo y golpeé mi cara con una gran fuerza. También, mis gafas volaron debajo del refrigerador. Luego, me desperté con un dolor de cabeza enorme y no podía ver. Gateé al refrigerador y cogí mis gafas rápidamente porque tenía miedo de viera otra cucaracha. Las limpié con mi camiseta y oí mi estómago gruñir otra vez. Miré arriba al congelador y deseé ver una pizza cuando abrí la puerta. Sin embargo, había sólo hielo. Entonces, examiné el refrigerador y un olor terrible de huevos di una bofetada. Empecé a toser y cerré la puerta sin buscaba nada. Descansé mi cabeza sobre el congelador en derrota.

Decidí comer algunas patatas fritas que descubrí cerca del montón de platos aunque eran empapadas y viejas. Me senté en el sofá y comencé a mirar la televisión, pero pronto dormí. La música de las noticias me despertó a las seis.

“Buenas noches. Hoy, la ciudad cerró una parte de la carretera para reparaciones que causará embotellamientos mañana y durante el fin de semana.” El hombre mantuvo a hablar, pero sus primeras palabras quedaron en mi cabeza. “¿Mañana y durante el fin de semana?” Sentía muy asustado. “¿Qué día es?” me pregunté. Lentamente, miré el calendario, pero no lo creía. Era el jueves.