Sunday, December 30, 2007

Even Stevphen

An interesting debate with a sexy twist.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Drillbit Taylor update

Look at this asshole. This sellout fuck. You expect me to believe that Josh Peck can play a believable bully in the hilariously hilarious new film Drillbit Taylor? He doesn't even make a convincing skinny man. He's a poor man's Justin McAfee only gay and unfunny.

Remember the good old days of 2004? I'm talking about Season 1 of Drake and Josh, when Josh was the lovable obese teen with a heart of gold. A young whippersnapper set in the mold of Ralph Kramden. He was pudgy, silly, and endearing and America wouldn't have had it any other way. But then he decided to pull a Sasso and not only lost pounds, but his appeal. A goofy, skinny guy? I don't think so, Peckerface.

Put your arteries aside and come back to us. Because otherwise, nobody cares.

Even Stevphen

Stephen wins!

Why not?

Since I just blamed a kid for his own freakish, accidental death, I thought I'd throw this out there...

I think Drillbit Taylor is the reason Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. Watch the trailer at your own risk.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Tatiana went Tatiana

"Oh shit, I'm a crazy tiger! Oh Lord, I'm crazy! What is I gone do?!"

Everybody's mad at the tiger, not the jackasses who instigated their own mauling. And Sousa wasn't a boy, he was 17 years old. The motherfucker should've known better.

Not to sound utterly insensitive, it wasn't Sousa's fault that the damn zoo didn't do enough research to understand what a Siberian Tiger is physically capable of. Even more preposterous is the fact that apparently nobody knows how Tatiana escaped. (Bull. Fucking. Shit.) The zoo is covering something up and I hope when the riddle is solved that it gets penalized severely.

To sum up, that tiger didn't go crazy; that tiger went tiger!

Special thanks to Chris Rock!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

2007 Insight Bowl coverage

Here is the litany of reasons why James "Superman" Hardy will be entering the 2008 NFL Draft.

1) Who knows if IU will even make to a bowl in 2008? Hell, we barely made it this year.

2) He works hard. Hardy came out of high school a basketball star who dabbled as a receiver. Over the past few years, he has developed his raw ability and molded himself into a polished, sure-handed wideout.

3) He's good enough. He's a Biletnikoff Award Semi-Finalist who was named to several All-American lists and holds every meaningful receiving record at IU in only 3 years of play.

4) Money. Need I say more?

5) He's tired of not getting the ball. This is pure speculation on my part since he's never publicly stated it, but he's too good to not be getting the ball thrown his way. Hoeppner and Lynch never seemed to realize this.

6) He's 6'7" and weighs 220 pounds.

7) He has said this. "Next year, after we get this bowl victory, the guys will know what it takes because they've been there. So they'll just carry on with it." (Didja notice the "they"s?)

8) He's fast enough. Not a burner, but he is quick and can pick up yards after the catch.

9) Bloomington is a loud, crazy town and Hardy is a quiet, laid-back guy. I think he'll find solace in the defined structure of a typical NFL team.

I have come to love and admire James Hardy for his conduct on and off the field. For those of you who think he is a bad guy because of the alleged domestic battery charge in 2006, I pity your ignorance. As Mike Gundy would say, "Get your facts straight!"

If you're reading this James, know that I want nothing more than to keep watching you play on Saturdays as I proudly wear the 82, but I fully understand and support your decision to enter the 2008 draft. We'll miss you.

2007 Insight Bowl coverage

I'm a man! I'm 21! I don't read the newspaper because it's garbage! Instead, I watch hilarious videos like these...

(For the record, I sided with Gundy on this issue because I'm a journalism major and I know what shady, irresponsible people journalists are, not to mention the fact that he's right about the story being false. Gundy protects his players and that is what a good coach/man does.)

2007 Insight Bowl coverage

IU will be playing Oklahoma State in the Insight Bowl, a very similar team from what I know about them.

Above average offenses + suspect defenses = a potential barn-burner in Tempe, Arizona

Here's another interesting fact about the Oklahoma State Cowboys - earlier this year, their coach did this...

2007 Insight Bowl coverage

With the Insight Bowl only a week away, I thought I'd take a look back on how IU finally reached a bowl after 14 years of nothing better than mediocrity.

Yep, that's right. Three reasons and three reasons alone.

1. Coach Terry Hoeppner (May he rest in peace)
2. James "Superman" Hardy (NFL bound and Steal of the 2008 draft)
3. Kellen "Stunna Shades" Lewis (Hilarious young man with a bright future)

This also helped...

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Even Stevphen

Halloween special!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Cloverfield Monster (Idea 3)

January 18 just isn't getting here fast enough. All day, every day, I sit in front of my computer and stare at my Cloverfield background, wondering what the monster will be. My other ideas may seem a little senseless, but after carefully diagramming the structural damage of the two buildings--seen smoking in the background--I have figured it out.

Time is running out as a giant hourglass threatens to bury everything New York City's citizens hold dear. Justin Long portrays Justin Time who must find justification in timely and justly bringing about the hourglass's death. Justin, a clerical worker at city hall, discovers that his father, the mayor, is actually controlling the hourglass which is also his mutated brother! Sean Connery stars as Father Time and the hourglass is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.

Probability of being the actual plot: 0/10
(I don't know what I was thinking.)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Cool

Not only is Lupe Fiasco the best artist in hip hop today, he's also the smartest. I just purchased his sophomore release The Cool, an incredibly eclectic and developed concept album. Buy it.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The day of reckoning is at hand...

The ongoing writer's strike has seen it's first great casualty.

The city of New Delhi, India, is under siege by thousands of monkeys that have already begun attacking, injuring, and, tragically, killing many residents. The real tragedy? We're missing out on this...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Even Stevphen

I don't know much about this Mitchell guy, but his steroids report comes out while I'm at my last final so when I get home hopefully I'll know who all has been doping. I am quite interested to see how ESPN frames its sensationalism. For instance, how will the coverage of Roger Clemens, who is apparently named in the report, be framed in context to Barry Bonds. The shit is about hit the proverbial fan, baseball lovers.

If you think about it, it's only 7/20ths

Bush wants $200,000,000,000 to continue the war efforts, but my girl Nancy is all, "No way, Jack! You'll get $70,000,000,000 and like it!"

The best part? The Democrats are so obtuse they're taking it as a victory.

"'What is for sure is he will not get all $200 billion,' said one senior Democratic lawmaker. 'Whatever number it is, it is much less than what the president asked for. For the first time in this war, he has received less than his request.'"

I guess I can officially kiss my social security check goodbye.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

400 pound bears are pussies

Now that I think about it, a 440 pound black bear was killed by junior rifle, shot by a booger-eating, half-wit of a little boy. Maybe the bear is the bigger pussy here.

5-year-olds are pussies

Now, I'm no bear sympathizer--If Stephen Colbert has taught me anything it's that bears are godless killing machines--but it takes a real pussy to kill a bear with a gun, even if you're five years old.

Wunderkind Tre Merritt has made local news, which merits national attention to those lazy motherfuckers at CNN, by supposedly killing a bear. His grandfather says he was with young Tre, but swears to offering no help whatsoever.

I won't lie, when I read "5-year-old kills bear" I got really excited. Alas, I was simply treated to another hick tale about killin' varmints. Looking back, I'm not sure why I expected to read a story about a child strangling a bear to death with his bare hands, perhaps because it's 7 am and I have yet to retire for the night. Scratch that--morning.

Nevertheless, I still maintain hunting with a (junior) rifle equipped with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time makes you an enormous pussy. Real men kill animals with knives, bows and arrows, spears, rocks, fists, or various primitive crossbows. Anything else and you're just using technology to kill the creature for you. You want a bear killer? Daniel Boone killed a bear by suffocating it with his raccoon hat, even though Tre's senile grandpa would lead you to believe otherwise. (Note: soft, fuzzy hats are also acceptable means of killing animals)

I am not impressed by Tre's so-called feat (more like "paws" if you ask me!)

Hold on, let me savor that joke...




Okay, I think I'm good.

Anyway, this kid will get no praise from me because any punk-ass five-year-old who can pick up a gun...

You know what? I can't top that last joke. I'm done.

Even Stevphen

Who's ready for the Mitchell report?!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Cloverfield Monster (Idea 2)

J.J. Abrams is in a calescent cauldron of controversy with his latest movie...potentially. New, imaginary reports have the monster of Cloverfield as a giant ethnic stereotype. I'm quite surprised to say the least, maybe I just expected more from Abrams. Creating a tired cliché seems beneath him.

Oh, he's Irish! Well, that's cool. Haha, crisis averted, huh?!

Apparently, Seamus McGuinness becomes enraged after Derry City loses to Liverpool and in the process of drowning his sorrows, gets lost in a brewery/scientific laboratory and drinks a genetically enhanced beer. The morning after, he wakes up at a carnival in a puddle of his own vomit next to a Zoltar Speaks machine and wishes to be big.

Still upset, he cures his hangover with a few too many, stumbles across the Atlantic, and punches the Statue of Liberty because he hates "snobby, highfalutin French chicks." New Yorkers are furious and the film quickly turns into a militaristic pub fight. This flick is chock-full of stars including Bill O'Reilly who plays the love interest. He gets fired from Fox News after praising Seamus's anti-French sentiments and, with nowhere left to turn, dreams of living in the pockets of Seamus's slacks.

The movie also stars Kevin Smith as an unskilled factory worker forced to deal with the rejuvenated prejudice against Irish Americans and the struggle to define his own heritage.

Probability of being the actual plot: 7/10
(The story is bulletproof and the cast is set, but production has been slowed thanks to a Killian's lawsuit claiming they actually pitched this story to Paramount under the name Lager's Last Stand.)

Friday, December 07, 2007

Even Stevphen

This one just got posted. I don't think it aired on October 25, 1999, though.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Cloverfield Monster (Idea 1)

Even though I think it's weak that the fake name Cloverfield has become the official title of the new J.J. Abrams film, I'm still super excited to see it. I wanted a scarier name; something like "Roarasaurus Wrecks" would've been awesome. By the way, I've copyrighted that name.

In an effort to build suspense about what (or who... ) the monster is and what will happen, I've been analyzing the movie posters and coming up with some ideas. Here's my first guess.

Oh my goodness! Watch out!

What J.J. Abrams has done here, is simply take the word "monster" and expanded it in a different direction. This gigantic monster truck is named Armso the Doomsayer and she--that's right, SHE--is in it for the long haul. Side note: Long Haul was the name of Armso's dead husband truck. (This factors greatly into the plot, so I won't reveal any more about Long Haul.)

Not only can Armso run your ass over, but just imagine being picked up by that super strong human arm. If that weren't frightening enough, rain clouds constantly follow her. Because what's worse that being injured? Being wet and injured, that's what. I really like the lightning bolt, but the "Lost Rules!" decal on the rear of the truck just seems pathetic. I won't give away the ending to this film, but just so you know, it doesn't fall "flat."

Probability of being the actual plot: 4/10
(It's hard for Armso the Doomsayer to travel through water effectively.)

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Even Stevphen

Why the hell not?

Fuck Chuck

Don't get it twisted, I enjoy a good Walker, Texas Ranger episode, but I continue seeing Chuck Norris references everywhere from College Gameday to CNN even after the guy stopped being cool 20 minutes after everyone starting reading his facts. He's like the Borat of violence. Unfortunately, he's only going to get more press coverage since he's attached himself to presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Now, I don't despise Huckabee as he seems like the most reasonable of the Republican candidates, but if Chuck was really smart he'd have endorsed Ron Paul and all of his demential super-highway-building, no-taxes-forever-and-ever policies. I mean, is there a better way to get lazy, pseudo-political college kids to love you more?

You want a Chuck Norris fact? Here's the last one you'll ever need...

In The Way of the Dragon, Chuck Norris got his neck bone disconnected by Bruce Lee.

You have to love the cat.

Even Stevphen

I haven't put one of these up in a while.

The oldest post in the blog

I'm pretty damn sick and tired of hearing about how this prank or that is "the oldest trick in the book." It's time to decide once and for all which is, in fact, the oldest. I've narrowed the selection to five.

1) Tapping someone on the shoulder and moving to the other side - Plausible. Who can't see cavemen pulling this prank on each other...or a dinosaur. Hilarious!

2) You got something right there...WHUP! (followed by a nose flick) - Again, entirely possible. After a long day of huntering and gathering, blood is bound to be spattered about on one's person. But when it's not...WHUP!

3) Your shoelace is untied - We have our first definitive no. Cavemen "discovered" fire and the wheel (The cavemen discovered fire and circularity like Columbus discovered the Americas. We all know God actually gets the credit here.) but they did not discover laces. Metro cavemen wore sandals, the rest went barefoot.

4) Pull my finger - It's a well-known fact that cavemen loved fart jokes, but finger pulling was considered an act of aggression. Perhaps the beloved gag evolved (haha) from this ancient tradition, but as we know it today, this is not the oldest trick in the book.

5) The bait and switch - Cavemen didn't believe in advertising and/or politics. Whoever had the biggest club and could grunt the loudest was in charge. It's science.

Alright, so it's either 1 or 2. I've poured over this and have come to the logical conclusion. In order for blood to be sprayed on one's pelt, or even to obtain a pelt for that matter, the dinosaur (or man if he had a kickass pelt or tasted delicious) had to be killed first. In lieu of brute force, trickery was used.

Caveman: Ugh. UGH! (taps dinosaur on shoulder)
Dinosaur: Roar! (turns to the side he/she was tapped on)
Caveman: ERUGH! (clubs dinosaur on head from the other side)
Dinosaur: Ouch! (dinosaur dies)

For Neanderthals, this is quite a brilliant maneuver and is officially the oldest in the Book of Tricks.