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5-year-olds are pussies

Now, I'm no bear sympathizer--If Stephen Colbert has taught me anything it's that bears are godless killing machines--but it takes a real pussy to kill a bear with a gun, even if you're five years old.

Wunderkind Tre Merritt has made local news, which merits national attention to those lazy motherfuckers at CNN, by supposedly killing a bear. His grandfather says he was with young Tre, but swears to offering no help whatsoever.

I won't lie, when I read "5-year-old kills bear" I got really excited. Alas, I was simply treated to another hick tale about killin' varmints. Looking back, I'm not sure why I expected to read a story about a child strangling a bear to death with his bare hands, perhaps because it's 7 am and I have yet to retire for the night. Scratch that--morning.

Nevertheless, I still maintain hunting with a (junior) rifle equipped with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time makes you an enormous pussy. Real men kill animals with knives, bows and arrows, spears, rocks, fists, or various primitive crossbows. Anything else and you're just using technology to kill the creature for you. You want a bear killer? Daniel Boone killed a bear by suffocating it with his raccoon hat, even though Tre's senile grandpa would lead you to believe otherwise. (Note: soft, fuzzy hats are also acceptable means of killing animals)

I am not impressed by Tre's so-called feat (more like "paws" if you ask me!)

Hold on, let me savor that joke...

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Okay, I think I'm good.

Anyway, this kid will get no praise from me because any punk-ass five-year-old who can pick up a gun...

You know what? I can't top that last joke. I'm done.