Thursday, January 31, 2008

Nobody likes South Dakota

Here's a fantastic example of why you shouldn't always trust what you read on Wikipedia. I did not edit this in any way.

Topic: Easter Parade (Song)

"'Easter Parade' is a popular song. It was written by Irving Berlin and was published in 1933.

The song was introduced in the musical As Thousands Cheer. In 1948, it was featured in the musical film of the same name. It has become a standard. It is also included in Holiday Inn

Easter is a holiday that Christians celebrate. At easter, the Easter Bunny hops around, hiding eggs for all the little children to find. Instead of yolk, there is candy inside the eggs. Where does the rabbit get the candy-filled eggs? This is one of the world's greatest mysteries.

Parades are cool. Everyone likes parades. Sometimes parades have floats, which are awesome. If you don't have parades in your town, its because you live in South Dakota. Nobody likes South Dakota."

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Culturally sensitive writing

So I'm taking this class, S335 - Race and Ethnic Relations, and our first paper was to write about our ethnicity. Now, I could write about my Irish or German heritage, perhaps even about just being a boring white guy. However, to spite the teacher, (a man Huey Freeman would call "culturally sensitive") I took the definition of "ethnic group" given in class and put my own spin on it. He's either going to love the originality, or hate the fact that I took such liberties with his assignment. I am anxious to find out which.

Earthlings: An Ethnic Group Divided (Against Itself, Cannot Stand)

Common kinship, a shared history, and universal ideals are not enough to quell the ethnocentrism and division of my people run rampant. So separated are my people, that we cannot even agree on which history we share or which kinships are common. For instance, many Earthlings say our past dates back nearly 5 billion years, while others claim it is no older than 6,000. (It should be noted that I use the term “Earthlings” only to broadly categorize and because I am a member of said ethnic group, “third-planet inhabitant” is considered the more socially accepted denomination.) Such disjuncture demonstrates the deadly doings of our own ethnicity including, yet not limited to, the need for classification, labels, and supposed superiority.

Starting chronologically, the Big Bang theory proposes that all Earthlings have a mutual history as our planet formed billions of years ago by a variety of elements, thanks to the rapid expansion of Space. These elements, along with Earth’s proximity to the Sun, led to the formation of a livable atmosphere including the element Oxygen that is essential to molecule replication. The ability of molecules to split and adapt would eventually, many believe, lead to the evolution of the hominid, or the Earthling by which we are now known. When asking other Earthlings about our shared history relating to the Big Bang, I limited my queries to other humans because although technically “third-planet inhabitants,” dogs, cats, squirrels, birds, and other creatures rarely phrased answers in English, even after numerous requests. The Earthlings I spoke with all agreed, at least in part, to the scientific explanation of our shared history provided by the Big Bang theory, but many noted that the answer to “How?” did not eliminate the question of “Why?”. In other words, are events, actions, and science itself dictated by some supernatural essence that lives outside the realm of provability? Turns out that the Big Bang is much more than a theory; it is the sound of an explosion, creating a gap between science and religion.

An alternative theory to the Big Bang, religious in nature, known as Creationism, is the thought that the universe, the Earth, and all life on it were created in their original form by a divine being. Therefore, evolutionary theories, the idea of an ever-expanding universe, and many scientific revelations are rejected. While Creationism varies by religion, in many cases it stands separated from science, most often in opposition, and with the lack of comprehensive verifiable evidence on both sides, the divisions persist. What’s interesting is that it makes no difference if you’re a Creationist, an Evolutionist, or maybe even a little of both, because no matter which way you look at it, all Earthlings have a kinship and a shared history that should, and I emphasize should, unite us.

Where kinship and history fail, maybe universal symbols can succeed. If I were to so callously alienate my fellow Earthlings by assigning my ethnicity to be American, the Stars and Stripes would symbolize my people. If I were to stoop even lower and classify myself as a young, white American, I would give my allegiance to culturally-destructive hip hop music. Alas, I am proud to identify with the denizens of the third rock from the Sun and my symbols are those of honesty, compassion, courage, love, and happiness – traits admired by all sub-groups of Earthlings, even young, white Americans. Unfortunately, it is the sad truth of my people to look for flaws, most tragically within our own kind, a behavior called “human nature.” Earthlings may strive for love, yet often flee the pursuit over things as trivial as punctuation, the size of one’s hands, or the manner in which one eats vegetables. Human beings are complex individuals and this complexity stems from Earthlings self-imposed ethnic density.

As we began to migrate across our planet in an effort to express individuality, we somehow forgot that we all come from the same history and share core beliefs. Earthlings created reasons to distinguish themselves, but why we were doing this was never clearly defined outside of “They’re wrong.” or “They’re different than us.” We kicked common kinships capriciously to the curb, favoring instead cloudy classification. As civilizations developed and observed neighboring societies, ethnocentrism slithered its way into our minds, constructing a false sense of righteousness. My ethnicity – nay, our ethnicity – became lost in all these labels and subsystems of Earthlings. If division really is human nature, then I guess we never stood a chance.

To quote President Thomas J. Whitmore, from the cinematic classic Independence Day, as he readies both soldiers and civilians to fight a species of aliens who have begun attacking the Earth, "Mankind...That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests." Although only speaking to U.S. citizens, his message went beyond the borders of country because he understood that all people share a common ethnicity as Earthlings and that if we did not recognize this fact, we would perish. Sadly, it seems that the only time my people are willing to acknowledge our shared ethnicity is when hostile aliens threaten global annihilation. With an ethnic crisis enveloping the globe, it becomes rather difficult to answer the question of who we really are. Surely we are the people who inhabit the Earth, but only up against worldwide problems, such as aliens or Global Warming, do we see ourselves thusly. Hence, our identity as Earthlings is very thin. We prefer spurious organization and categorization, but perhaps not for the malicious purposes I have outlined. It is possible that we reduce our ethnicity and our worldview because we are just not able to care about the welfare of nearly seven billion people. I disagree.

Ian Poulter IS golf

He's not even the 12th best golfer in his own country!

Monday, January 28, 2008

So awful it's...well, it's mostly just awful

Really? Another one of these, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer?! Will you please just stop? It's not comedy, nor is it humor, nor is it even jokes. It's references. References to things. That does not constitute comedy!! On the other hand, Dane Cook and Family Guy fans will shell out 10 bucks to see this trash. How bad is this movie?

"It's so bad even Carmen Electra should be embarrassed."
-Adam Graham, Detroit News-

Even Stevphen

I don't think I've posted this one yet. It's a special edition!

Mitt Romney is shady at best

Unfortunately, I think Mitt Romney is going to win the Republican nomination. I have a problem with this because Mitt Romney is the personification of Cerberus. Think about it.

Also, here's Romney being a lame, old, white guy. This video prompted Stephen Colbert to ask the most pointed and poignant question of the whole campaign. "Is Mitt Romney retarded?"

What I'm Watching Now

I'm watching Barack Obama light it up! The first video is Obama speaking at Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s old church and the second is his South Carolina victory speech.

Come on! Jesus was a saint!

I really wish Dana Jacobson would stop apologizing to Catholics for saying "Fuck Notre Dame. Fuck Touchdown Jesus." and the coup de grâce, "Fuck Jesus." at a roast for radio television hosts Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. If anything, Mike and Mike should be apologizing for being apart of such an inane idea as a televised radio show.

It was a fucking roast! Not only are you supposed to curse, you're supposed to be edgy. Even if the joke crosses the line, the audience has the right to boo and hiss all they want, but that doesn't mean the roaster should apologize every 3 days. Did Gilbert Gottfried apologize for his (hilarious) 9/11 joke only a few months after the World Trade Centers had been destroyed? No. Is there a difference since he is a comedian? No. It's a roast.

There is, however, a difference between what Dana Jacobson did and what Kelly Tilghman did. (For the record, I wasn't offended at the latter's comment either, only embarrassed for her and for intelligent white people everywhere.) Tilghman was on national television covering a golf tournament, not at a motherfucking roast! A roast! It wasn't even televised! Damnit!

And as far as the Catholic League goes, Dana, don't let a bunch of hypocrites not even affiliated with the Catholic Church bully you. They promote wholly un-Christianlike ideals of hatred, intolerance, and exclusion as they nap in their towers naysaying everything anyone creates.

Some reports have her intoxicated whilst speaking, but not only does this make what she said more hilarious, I would think it'd play with Catholics. (Like we don't understand that! Come on!)

In conclusion, while I disagree with Dana in her wish to "Fuck Jesus," I understand she was being facetious, as any reasonable person would, and I appreciate the fact that she got 2 out of 3 correct on her assessment of Mike Golic.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger dead at 28

Heath Ledger was about to turn in the greatest - Yeah, I said it, greatest - method acting performance of all-time as the Joker in the future summer blockbuster The Dark Knight. I don't know what kind of chaos this will cause the film, but I guess it's not really important right now.

Ledger began keeping a notebook 4 months prior to shooting "filled with images and thoughts helpful to the Joker back story, like a list of things the Joker would find funny," according to the New York Times. They site AIDS as one example of something the Joker would find funny, but I imagine it got way worse than that. In addition, Ledger locked himself away in a hotel for a month simply absorbing the character.

On top of all that, he had gotten divorced in September 2007. I can't begin to imagine his state of mind, but I hope that his loyalty to the character didn't cause his downfall. He was extraordinarily talented and he will be dearly missed in the acting community.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Boondocks is Entertaining Television

I don't think I'm drawing much of an audience anymore, something I'm perfectly fine with, but since no one will mind, I'd really like to focus my writing toward my book. I won't stop altogether, however, as I occasionally have brilliant thoughts such as this...

If Robert L. Johnson was a white man, he'd probably be considered the most racist man alive.

Geneva Protection

Now, normally I wouldn't promote such a gross misuse of the English language (It seems as though americansunite got a little apostrophe happy.), but I find myself asking, "Why the fuck isn't this a bigger story?"

Friday, January 18, 2008


The second 100 is never as exciting...

Even Stevphen

Death Tax! Ahh!

More potshots!

Is it just me, or does John Wooden have the most nauseating earlobes imaginable? Maybe it's just because my grandpa lives in Florida...

Eh, it's a living.

Sometimes it's hard being right all the time.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Australia rocks!

I want to be friends with Corey Worthington.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Even Stevphen

The age-old question is finally answered.

Zombie watch

No, this is not about puppy dogs...this time. Instead, it's about sports writer and ESPN analyst Len Pasquarelli. I think he's a zombie. Keep an eye out for this guy.

Monday, January 07, 2008

This post is very personal for me

Very recently, I have become even more cynical about politics as I've heard enough rhetoric out of each candidate to stop giving a damn about who wins the 2008 primaries. To paraphrase George Carlin, we're just shuffling shit around. In other words, no candidate can or will have as big an impact as they say because, contrary to popular belief, the president doesn't run the country.

Anywho, just when my disillusionment starts, it ends, thanks to the low point of pandering thus far in the primaries, courtesy of Hillary Clinton as she tries to resuscitate her campaign. This sickening display cannot possibly help.

How like you this play?

  • His name was in the Mitchell Report and he vehemently denied taking any illegal substances.
  • He vowed to put an end to any speculation that he cheated.
  • He said the only injections he ever received were the painkiller lidocaine and vitamin B-12.
  • He hired private investigators to examine the claims made by Brian McNamee, his former trainer who told Senator Mitchell he'd personally given Clemens steroids.
  • He went on 60 Minutes and swore he was clean.
  • Now, he's filing a defamation lawsuit against McNamee.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Friday, January 04, 2008

So funny it's scary

I'm quite sure this is what Al Gore invented the Internet for - watching awful horror movies online as if they were comedies. How bad is this movie?

"A film so utterly misbegotten that it almost makes 'Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem' look competent by comparison."
-Peter Sobczynski,


Thumbs up indeed, Mr. Obama. With the election results finalized, for all intents and purposes, let us unwrap this political package.

Believe it or not, I have endorsed Kucinich in the past, even though I'd never be stupid enough to waste a vote on him. I guess everyone else feels the same way.

I had forgotten Mike Gravel was still running.

I don't know who the "Others" are, but I can only assume they were votes for Gore.

Chris Dodd dropped out even though he received one vote. Quitter...

Tom Tancredo?

Duncan Hunter?!

Giuliani finished behind Ron "Say it ain't so" Paul, which means my newest, hysterical political joke will soon be untellable. Hopefully New Hampshirians have a place in their hearts for Rudy.

Ron "Leave It to Beaver" Paul probably achieved his 10% by bringing out young voters. This means he's like Obama, only crazy and never ever has to worry about one day being president.

Joe Biden should stick to foreign relations anyway.

Did some people really think Bill Richardson had a shot?

O, how the McCain campaign has fallen.

Is it just me, or does Fred Thompson look 94? I never thought he had a shot, so maybe third place is a victory for him.

Mitt Romney seems like a huge tool although I don't completely disagree with everything he stands for.

Hillary got third! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Edwards second? Really?! I have yet to meet one person who actually supports him.

Those Norris votes really paid off for Huckabee. I'm still not sold on him as a legitimate presidential threat; maybe I just need to see and hear more.

Ba-rack it to me! Ba-rack on! Ba-rack out! Ba-rack the Casbah! (One more. I promise.) Ba-rack and roll all night and judiciously execute the powers afforded to you by Article II of the Constitution of the United States of America every day! Needless to say, I'm happy Obama is riding high as he's the only candidate I currently have an overwhelming positive attitude for.

Next up: The New Hampshire primary on Tuesday

Raise the terror level!

Another cute white girl is missing!
Stop the presses!
Call the National Guard!
God help us all!!!

More like "Iowa Cock-us!"

Yay for Obama!
Yay for Ice Cube! (This shit is freaking bananas!)