Friday, February 29, 2008

The Fort of Waynes

Way to go, Fort Wayne!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

RON PAUL WINS!!!

This just in! Ron Paul has won BOTH the Rhode Island and Vermont primaries!

Haha, just kidding! That's silly!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More like Erin Andr-EWWWs!

That's right, I said it. I have (as of tonight) decided to be the only heterosexual, college male to boo the extraordinarily sexy Erin Andrews. Why? I have my reasons...

1) She's lazy - Impossibly lazy! College Gameday recently came to IU for the Michigan State basketball game and after filming one segment she took a courtside seat and watched the rest of the show. She didn't move her sweet, curvaceous ass for literally 45 minutes. What else am I supposed to watch, Erin?

2) She's mean - That very same night, Erin showed up wearing a green shirt. My friend Jordan called the game for IU's radio station and saw her in the press room and the conversation went something like this. (Paraphrased, not quoted.)

Jordan: Erin, can I get a picture?

Erin: Sure.

Jordan: Oh, by the way, why are you wearing a green shirt?

Erin: (indignantly) This isn't green. It's turquoise.

Jordan: (caught off-guard) Haha, okay. I'm just saying though.

Erin: Look, I've been on the road a long time and this is the only clean shirt I've got left.

Jordan: Hey, I understand, I'm a college kid. I haven't done laundry in like a month.

Erin: (glares at Jordan)

And then she refused to take the picutre.

3) Erin Andrews is so 3 years ago - That's right, WAY past her prime. (Not true, but I imagine this would upset her if I yelled it at her...which I did.) I don't think she heard me though, good-looking women naturally develop selective hearing. Or at least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

4) Her suitcasepurse is dumb - I saw it for the first time tonight. It's like a giant red purse with a luggage handle. I guess she needs all that extra room to carry around her journalistic integrity.

5) How long IS her hair?! - Seriously, look at her hair. Yeah, right th--No, look up. Up! No... Yeah, there you go. Her hair. Ugh, it's so long and silky and blond! (I bet Heaven smells like Erin Andrews' hair.)

6) She's also... Umm... A Packer fan! - Thanks Wikipedia! Please, the Packers? She also likes the Red Sox! Haha, double lame! (Now Andrew is conflicted.)

7) She's a telecom major - Appropriate and hilarious!

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure I'll find other things to be angry at her for. I have to say, not only is it nice to be in the minority on liking Erin Andrews, but I bet that if she sees/hears me heckling her it'll get me laid. She just strikes me as the type of girl who goes for the asshole. She's so used to being loved that when I dissent, she'll have to sleep with me. That's what I call a win-win!

Friday, February 22, 2008

What'd you expect?

Cable the Larry Guy's new movie is bad. How bad?

"Witless Protection is disgusting, racist, clueless, sexist, charmless, unfunny, infantile, mean-spirited, amateurish, and insulting. In other words, it stars Larry The Cable Guy."
-Brian Orndorf, DVDTalk.com-

Monday, February 18, 2008

Insomnia has its benefits

I know when I get bored at work, I like to head out to the ole fishin' pond and catch me a big one!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Chris Berman LOVES drugs and HATES Al Michaels!

Haha, yay! Two more! (Berman calls Al a "fuckhead" as the second video cuts off.)



Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Big Man Pecking Order Code: Ordinance 2257

Shaq slays the brittle, incessant, loud-mouthed hippie, Bill Walton.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Berman LOVES to swear!

I wouldn't be upset if 1,000 more of these videos come out.

Friday, February 08, 2008

10,000 B.C.


I know I'm excited to push my way through Fundamentalist Christians to see this movie! I even emailed director Roland Emmerich and much to my surprise he sent me a copy of the script! Roland made me promise not to post it online, but he, like everyone else, doesn't even read my blog! Huzzah!

Here's an emotional scene where D'Leh has just defeated a warlord who had kidnapped his love, Evolet.

D'Leh: Evolet... Is it really you?

Evolet: Yes, D'Leh, it is! I'm so happy to see you!

D'Leh: You're happy?! I am way happier than you! I thought I lost you, for like, ever!

Evolet: How'd you find me?

D'Leh: I don't even know! I was just huntin' these mammoths and shit, gettin' chased by birds, then I found this lost civilization. Oh! And this dude who totally thought he was a God tried to fight me! It was crazy!

Evolet: Oh my!

D'Leh: I know, right? It was hilarious though, I pointed my spear at the guy, turned to his subjects and was all, "He...is NOT a God!" People went apeshit!

Evolet: Were you hurt?!

D'Leh: Almost! Tic-Tic totally saved my ass back there.

Evolet: Oh, T-Squared! How is he?

D'Leh: He's doing...good, I guess. Him and Mona broke up.

Evolet: No! I really liked her!

D'Leh: She was a cool chick, alright. But seriously, T is sooooo bummed!

Evolet: Aww... We should cheer him up!

D'Leh: I tried, babe! For true! I went over to his place the other day, brought over a case o' brewskies, ya know? We were chattin' and junk, watching some Apocalypto-

Evolet: Apocalypto? Ugh...

D'Leh: What? You don't like Apocalypto? How can you not like that flick?!

Evolet: It's just too hard to get into, you know? I mean, what're they speaking? It's like gibberish.

D'Leh: That's pretty close-minded of you, Eve. It's an ancient Mayan language and it's still a big part of some people's culture.

Evolet: Sooorry!

D'Leh: What'd you want them to speak? English?!

Evolet: It certainly would have been easier to follow!

D'Leh: Come on! That'd be fuckin' retarded, babe!

Evolet: You don't have to be such an asshole about it! God!

D'Leh: I'm just saying! That would have been a really, really stupid move. It's like, you can't just sacrifice things like historical accuracy in order to appease the public, ya know? Where's the integrity?!

Evolet: Yeah, like 300 was so historically accurate! Oh, I forgot Xerxes was 24 feet tall!

D'Leh: You don't even know what you're talking about! That movie was based on a graphic novel!

Evolet: Please...

D'Leh: No, you please! How hard is it to read subtitles? I mean, you liked Pan's Labyrinth didn't cha?!

Evolet: That's different!

D'Leh: Are you fucking kidding me?! How's that different?! Name one difference! Come on, do it!

Evolet: Fine! You win, okay?! Now untie me and let's get the hell out of here!

D'Leh: (under his breath) Can't believe you didn't like Apocalypto...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

So sweet it's diabetic

I think this picture perfectly illustrates the dumbness of Fool's Gold. How bad is this movie?

"There's more continuity in an episode of Teletubbies."
-Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star-

"It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark, only for retards."
-Jon Popick, Planet Sick-Boy-

"It's early in the year, but I defy any 2008 comedy to be as stupid, slack and sexless as Fool's Gold. And I'm counting Paris Hilton's appalling The Hottie and the Nottie, which is marginally better."
-Peter Travers, Rolling Stone-

And just in case you're wondering, this is what Peter Travers had to say about The Hottie and the Nottie, which apparently also comes out today.

"That generous half star rating I tacked onto to this comedy abomination is all for Paris Hilton. Come on, it takes guts (or gross dim-wittedness) to appear on screen again after House of Wax."

Don't you just love Hollywood?

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

S110: Letter of Regret

S110 is this really neato class I'm taking where we talk about statistics, means, medians, and modes, and sometimes we even get to read radical books written in 1954, otherwise known as the Glory Days of segregation and the Cold War! Wahoo!

Even better, periodically we get to answer questions and/or define words in our gurnals! We are allowed three "formally noted" skips and since I have yet to purchase one of the books, I had to use up my three all at once. Here is my formal notation of skippage.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am formally noting the untimely passing of NardiIntro & Chapter 1, Nardi Chapter 2, and NardiChapter 3. I realize this puts me in an unfavorable position, as I have carelessly wasted my three (Count ‘em, three!) available readings to be skipped, yet, however deleterious the situation, I will prevail. Like a basketball head coach who has capriciously used up all his or her timeouts in the third quarter, I must now rely on my wily, veteran point guard to stalwartly lead me to victory. (I guess in this metaphor, the point guard would be my brain, but with a newfound focus. Or something like that; metaphors can be confusing.)

Alas, if only the scripture of Nardi weren’t so elusive, perchance my dilemma shan’t exist. But excuses I will make none, as time and again my leisure has been self-deviated from the statistical pursuits of S110. In closing, I fear not that further entries will fail to achieve the glory and wonder so expected from questions such as “What is the definition of cross-tabulations?” Oh, no! I’m not fearing any question! I have only hope that my omissions will not be seen as dormancy through the spectacles of justice, but as mere absentees in a collection of righteousness. A false hope perhaps, but let us not forget the words of future president, if not now in 2008 then soon, Barack Obama, that “in the unlikely story that is (S110), there has never been anything false about hope.”

Eternally Yours,

Alex Thomas Kenny

Monday, February 04, 2008

Sometimes weekends are strange

I had a very bizarre weekend, but even weirder was the conversation I had with my roommate about it. I swear, you can't make this stuff up.

Me: Robert, why are you lying in my bed?

Robert: Huh?

Me: You're not wearing pants.

Robert: What?

Me: You know what, nevermind. You'll never guess what happened to me last night.

Robert: What?

Me: I met this girl, Sasha, at Bluebird. Holy shit, man. In-Credible!

Robert: What'd she look like?

Me: Well, she had them Apple Bottom Jeans-

Robert: Jeans?

Me: Boots with the fur-

Robert: With the fur?

Me: I mean, the whole club was lookin' at her!

Robert: What happened next?

Me: Alright, so she hit the flo-

Robert: She hit the flo?

Me: The next thing you know - shorty got low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Later, this other girl, Carmen. Oh man! Them baggy sweat pants... And the Reeboks with the straps!

Robert: With the straps?

Me: Then! She turned around and gave that big booty a smack!

Robert: Hey!

Me: Then, she hit the flo-

Robert: She hit the flo?

Me: The next thing you know - shorty got low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Low!

Robert: Low?

Me: Man, I ain't never seen nothin' that'll make me go.

Robert: That's a triple negative. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Best commercial of Super Bowl XLII

A rare miss for Super Bowl commercials. I chuckled a few times, but only laughed once. Here is the funniest Super Bowl commercial of 2008.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Whaaap!!

Is this new? I haven't seen this before.


Chris Berman Loses His Cool - Watch more free videos