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Olde Timey political news

"...It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Generic Conservative Talk Show Host: Welp...there it was. The so-called "Gettysburg Address" delivered by President Lincoln yesterday. What he was addressing, we're still not quite sure.

Senseless, Egomaniacal, Asshole Numbskull: Haha, you got that right. I even caught "honest Abe" perusing a cheat sheet right before he started talking. Really just not a smart move.

Belligerent, Inane, Loud-mouthed Lunkhead: Lincoln lost me at "Four score and seven years ago." I mean, what in the hell is a score supposed to be?!

GCTSH: So I take it you guys don't think the speech worked?

SEAN: Absolutely not. First of all, he was supposedly addressing the United States of America. Last time I checked, we weren't united. Not only that, there was only about 10, maybe 15 thousand people in attendance. Maybe the president forgot that there are way more people than that in either the North, or the South. What's his message to everybody else, huh? Something like, "You're just not that important!"?

BILL: Seriously, I don't get it. I'm looking it up, and it says here that a score can be "a group of 20 things." So, like our fathers brought four groups of twenty things? And that happened seven years ago? Let me say this, Mr. President, don't you dare talk about my father!

GCTSH: What were your thoughts on what he said, guys? To me it seemed that he really speaks well, but everything he said is just wrong. But, I mean, he really just speaks so well.

SEAN: That is true. Looking at him you wouldn't think he'd be so eloquent or smart or well-dressed, but he really stands out from other people of his ilk. I mean, you really don't picture this kind of person when you think of tall people.

BILL: Frankly, I wish he wasn't tall. Tall people think differently. They're shifty and they seem to have a problem obeying the rules us short people put in place. If he was shorter, maybe I'd trust him a little bit more.

GCTSH: How do you think this speech compares to others he has made in the past?

BILL: I'm glad you brought that up. Here's a guy who is famous for a proclamation that didn't really emancipate anybody! Umm, open up one of those books you love so much, Abraham. Guess what? There are still slaves!

SEAN: Excellent point. And, if I may, let me just spout off some crazy-ass bullshit for a second that will reveal my true colors. What if President Lincoln actually agrees with Jefferson Davis - and I'm not saying he does, although I secretly believe he does and there is no way to convince me otherwise - and wants slavery to continue. That would mean our president is a racist and a hypocrite and a liar!

GCTSH: So you're saying that President Lincoln really isn't an abolitionist?

SEAN: Whoa! Hey! I'm not saying anything! I'm certainly implying that. But, come on! I'd never say that! It was merely a hypothetical situation that I personally believe to be true. For instance, I have never seen Lincoln strangle a black man to death, and he would categorically deny that he had done such a thing, so really there is no way to know if, in fact, he had killed a black man with his own bare hands.

GCTSH: Uh...

BILL: Wow. Even I think that's a little ridiculous.

SEAN: What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?

GCTSH: (silence) Let's just wrap this up. Final thoughts on the address?

BILL: Hated it. Really boring. And top hats are stupid.

SEAN: Look, fellas, the point isn't whether or not Lincoln murdered a black man, I'm only trying to point out that if he didn't and he said he didn't, I still wouldn't believe him because I've already decided that he did because I have mush for brains! That's all I'm saying!

Thanks to The Daily Show for the idea!
Also, my first ever link to Fox News so you can read the asininity I based this on if you haven't already seen it.