Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Helter Skelter

Hello everyone, I'm Dana Jacobson and welcome to First Take's 1st and 10. The first question goes to our audience, "Are you ready for a RACE WAR?!?!" Oww! Hell yeah!

Who's gonna be next in line to battle our supreme overlord, Skip "The Turner Diaries" Bayless?! Which young, generic black man or woman is ESPN fixin' to lay on the dinner plate of doom, only to be devoured by the mighty jaws of the greatest human being alive?!

Is it you Marcellus Wiley? Are you Dat Dude?!
Could it be you Donovan F. McNabb? You won't be able run from this battle!
How about you Ryan and Doug Stewart? How'd you like to be 2 DEAD Stews?!
You want a shot Jeffri Chadiha? Or you Greg Anthony? Or you Jemele Hill?
What about you Scoop Jackson? LZ Granderson? Lorenzo Neal? Shaun King?

The fact is it doesn't matter what you say because Skip Bayless is always right! ALWAYS! Can you inferior races still not comprehend the cold, hard science of Samuel G. Morton's skull and candy bean experiments?!

Skip is and shall forever remain our God! GOD, I say! Jesus? Don't get me started on that guy again! Let's get in on!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Police terrorism

Contrary to what you hear on television, terrorism isn't restricted to brown people from the Middle East. Today is a great day for trigger happy police officers everywhere (terrorists by the very definition), who were once again reassured that they can feel free to open fire on any man they deem suspicious and face no repercussions! It may be Heaven, but I have no doubt that Sean Bell and Amadou Diallo are still pissed off as they're looking down on NYC right now.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Cometh quietly or there shalt be...trouble...eth.

Due to a decline in celebrity over the past few years, Paul Verhoeven - the director of such cinema classics as RoboCop, Total Recall, and...uh...RoboCop - has attempted to regain some of his popularity. "How?" You may ask? By claiming in a new book that Jesus is but the bastard child of a Roman soldier who raped Mary.

Normally I would repeat such a thing, as it is almost too silly to be believed upon first read, but I think if I wrote it again I'd almost assuredly be punching my first class ticket on the passenger train to Hell. (Why trains? Well, it is Hell after all.)

And if I am so unfortunate as to end up in the bowels of eternal hellfire, I will seek out the impious Verhoeven, look him right in his vacant, flaming eye sockets, and ask him honestly, "Dude? What the hell is your problem? Striptease and Hollow Man? You belong here."

Monday, April 21, 2008

Jokes and jokes and jokes and...

I read two of the funniest Laffy Taffy jokes today and I wish to share them. (Choice words have been italicized for added hilariousness.)

David R. from Oakville, Missouri writes...
Q: Why did the bowling pins stop working?

A: Because they were on strike!

Heather D. from Wichita, Kansas writes...
Q: Why do fish swim in schools?

A: Because they can't walk in schools!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Rom-coms get me every time

How unfunny does this movie sound? It gets better (and by that I mean worse); watch the trailer. Easily the worst trailer I've seen since What Happens in Vegas.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Mr. and Mr. Parker

Haha, sooooo close!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Best Report ever?

My face hurts from laughing. With star-studded cameos from Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama, Colbert's final foray in Philadelphia was quite possibly his best show ever.

Ben Franklin, who has helped Mr. Colbert all week, opened the show angry that the toaster has already been invented and Obama and Stephen closed by putting manufactured political distractions On Notice. (James Brady couldn't be happier.) Thankfully it was a Thursday show, which means it will play all Friday and then again on Monday. I recommend that you watch it on at least one of the following times...

Friday, April 18 - 10:30 AM
Friday, April 18 - 2:30 PM
Friday, April 18 - 8:30 PM
Monday, April 21 - 10:30 AM
Monday, April 21 - 2:30 PM
Monday, April 21 - 8:30 PM

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Elitist, secret Muslims

In this week's Time magazine, there is a story about Ann Dunham Sutoro, otherwise known as Barack Obama's mother. It is a fascinating read that only further proves how high and mighty Senator Obama really is. And I quote...

"When her son was almost 2, Ann returned to college. Money was tight. She collected food stamps and relied on her parents to help take care of young Barack."

"Lolo's [Barack's stepfather] house, on the outskirts of Jakarta, was a long way from the high-rises of Honolulu. There was no electricity, and the streets were not paved...Ann and her son were the first foreigners to live in the neighborhood...Two baby crocodiles, along with chickens and birds of paradise, occupied the backyard."

It also says that as a child he was razzed for being chubbier than the local Indonesians. Apparently, "he seemed to shrug off the teasing, eating tofu and tempeh like all the other kids, playing soccer and picking guavas from the trees."

Guavas, eh? Guess what, Mr. Obama, some of us don't even have access to Indonesian guava trees! I wasn't born into luxury. I couldn't reach out from the window in my ivory tower and pick a sweet, delicious guava as I said hello to my pet crocodiles and chickens. It's almost like he was living in the Garden of Eden itself. Lucky son of a remarkable woman.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Doing it the reich way

So after a nap today, I wake to American Idol. I decide to watch. What the hell, couldn't hurt, right? WRONG!

On the plus side, when I went to American Idol's website to learn more about the "people" I was watching, I saw this retard (pictured above). Her quote?

"If you're hated, you're doing something right."

Here's just a partial list of people who were/are doing everything right!

Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Pedro Alonso Lopez, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, Saddam Hussein, Paris Hilton, Idi Amin, Charles Manson, James Earl Ray, William Donohue, John Wilkes Booth, Mao Tse-Tung, Ted Kaczynski, Curtis Jackson, J. Edgar Hoover, Donald Rumsfeld, Osama bin Laden, and Judas.

R100: Intro to Terrible Ideas

Meet Michael Flitcraft, a sophomore at the University of Cincinnati who, apparently, is spearheading the worst fucking idea I've heard in a long time.

Really? I know making sure college students have lots and lots of guns sounds like a great idea, if only it wasn't such a very awful one.

The shootings at Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois have scared plenty of people, trust me, I'm one of them. However, I fail to see the logic that suggests we can solve the problem of college students getting shot by arming more college students. Two isolated incidents do not a valid argument make.

Unfortunately for all of us, we have a mass media that glamorizes events like the Virginia Tech massacre because it's a compelling news story that'll bring in tons of viewers and therefore tons of money. Tragedy, death, violence, tears, family, fear, heroes, villains, and the list goes on. You name it and these stories have it; it's a network's wet dream. This emboldens (buzz word!) others to replicate such atrocities if they too feel suicidal or depressed or angry or bitter or what have you.

Maybe it's just my campus, but I see hundreds of students doing irresponsible things every single day and thankfully these things don't involve deadly weaponry. (At least not yet.) And I'm talking about sober people! During the weekdays! I don't even want to imagine what could happen on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night when a bunch of drunk, gun-toting frat boys get together. Suffice to say that somebody's mom isn't going to have a pleasant tomorrow.

A host of other questions arise, such as what happens when somebody notices a kid in class has a gun? Well, there's chaos. Or the Student for Concealed Carry getting arrested. Perhaps we could mandate handing out badges that say "I'm allowed to carry a pistol" with the purchase of any handgun. But wait! What happens when one of those badge-wielding super students goes off his meds and blows away his peers? The perpetrator in the Northern Illinois shooting was considered by all around him to be perfectly normal. He could have just as easily been one of these kids who thinks by arming himself he can prevent such a malicious and capricious attack.

And if college students are armed, what about high schoolers who are of legal age? Shootings happen in high school too, we'd have to make sure those kids can protect themselves. But then what do we do with middle schoolers? Shootings happen in middle school too. I know, let's have a designated classroom gun! "Congratulations Billy! It's your week to run to the desk and grab the Beretta if something goes wrong!"

If none of this appeals to you, just ask yourself one question, "Do I really want a kid who wears a Chevy hat with an American flag on the bill to own another gun?" The answer to that question is an empathic "No."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Peanut butter

I was waiting to post this piece on my shitty blog in the hopes that Stuff White People Like would feature it, seeing as how they severely underestimated how much content they would need to keep the site new and interesting. Maybe they just didn't think the idea would take off like it has, I don't know.

Whatever the case, SWPL has gotten over 23 million hits in just over 3 months and it'd be nice if something I wrote could reach an audience of more than 4. (Technically wrote and rewrote with the help and guidance of Andrew Swanson.)

I guess I can't really blame SWPL, given that they probably receive hundreds of submissions every day. White people do like a lot of things. I was just trying to help out fellow bloggers by informing them of white people's love of peanut butter if they didn't already know about it.

(Photo credit: The Jimson Weed Gazette)

Contrary to the white urban myth that God clapped his hands together and the deliciousness of peanuts and butter formed a gooey miracle that rained upon Adam and Eve from the heavens, peanut butter has its roots in 14th century South America where the Incas first used peanuts to make an edible paste. The invention of modern peanut butter is most often attributed to a man named George Washington Carver.

If you want to know how much white people love peanut butter, just open any elementary school history book. In it, you’ll undoubtedly find Carver listed as one of the four African Americans white children will be learning about in February. The others include Rosa Parks whose bus boycott sparked the Civil Rights Movement, Harriet Tubman who taught us that slavery is bad, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. who is arguably the greatest American in history. To white people, peanut butter’s flavor is just as sweet as freedom.

Thankfully (and non-coincidentally) peanut butter is a perfect fit into the diet of white people. It’s meat free and can be purchased organically. Some farmer’s markets have even been known to possess their own peanut butter machines. Relaying your experience of such a display will make you the hit of any party.

Discussing peanut butter also serves as a great conversation starter with white people. “I think peanut butter should be on restaurant tables with salt and pepper,” is a simple statement that will yield great respect and a firm, agreeing handshake. You’re pretty much free to say anything you like at this point, as they will drift off into childhood snack time memories filled with peanut butter covered apples and celery. Not to mention PB&Js, the staple of the white kid’s lunch.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Oh no!

This just in... I am NOT funny!

Hahahahaha! April Fools!!
(Photo credit: The incomparable, well-endowed Andrew Swanson)