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Peanut butter

I was waiting to post this piece on my shitty blog in the hopes that Stuff White People Like would feature it, seeing as how they severely underestimated how much content they would need to keep the site new and interesting. Maybe they just didn't think the idea would take off like it has, I don't know.

Whatever the case, SWPL has gotten over 23 million hits in just over 3 months and it'd be nice if something I wrote could reach an audience of more than 4. (Technically wrote and rewrote with the help and guidance of Andrew Swanson.)

I guess I can't really blame SWPL, given that they probably receive hundreds of submissions every day. White people do like a lot of things. I was just trying to help out fellow bloggers by informing them of white people's love of peanut butter if they didn't already know about it.

(Photo credit: The Jimson Weed Gazette)

Contrary to the white urban myth that God clapped his hands together and the deliciousness of peanuts and butter formed a gooey miracle that rained upon Adam and Eve from the heavens, peanut butter has its roots in 14th century South America where the Incas first used peanuts to make an edible paste. The invention of modern peanut butter is most often attributed to a man named George Washington Carver.

If you want to know how much white people love peanut butter, just open any elementary school history book. In it, you’ll undoubtedly find Carver listed as one of the four African Americans white children will be learning about in February. The others include Rosa Parks whose bus boycott sparked the Civil Rights Movement, Harriet Tubman who taught us that slavery is bad, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. who is arguably the greatest American in history. To white people, peanut butter’s flavor is just as sweet as freedom.

Thankfully (and non-coincidentally) peanut butter is a perfect fit into the diet of white people. It’s meat free and can be purchased organically. Some farmer’s markets have even been known to possess their own peanut butter machines. Relaying your experience of such a display will make you the hit of any party.

Discussing peanut butter also serves as a great conversation starter with white people. “I think peanut butter should be on restaurant tables with salt and pepper,” is a simple statement that will yield great respect and a firm, agreeing handshake. You’re pretty much free to say anything you like at this point, as they will drift off into childhood snack time memories filled with peanut butter covered apples and celery. Not to mention PB&Js, the staple of the white kid’s lunch.