Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Go home!

I don't care that gay people are getting married, but I do care about gay fashion faux pas. Is the two polo shirt trend still alive in the gay community? Let's ban that.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

TV sucks

You had to know it was coming. Without question the worst "show" on television is Ned's.

"Tune in to Comedy Central on Wednesday night for a brand new episode of Mind of Mencia! Fuck you, America!"

"Wednesday nights just got better thanks to a new season of Mind of Menica! Because here at Comedy Central, we've just stopped trying!"

"What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? Eh, eh - not so fast! Join us tonight for an all-new episode of Mind of Mencia!"

"Watch your favorite jokes from other comedians get stolen, tonight on Mind of Mencia!"

"Carlos Mencia doesn't care what you think! But just don't call him lame, cause then he'll get really, really sad."

"Mind of Mencia: Authentic Mexican comedy! Brought to you by Taco Bell, authentic Mexican cuisine!"

"Carlos Mencia is back! Why? Because he's the only half-German, half-Honduran person we could find to put on TV!"

"Mind of Mencia! It's the only show the Pope watches!!"

"Mind of Mencia - It's like Chappelle's Show and The Man Show hooked up and had a retarded, predictable baby!"

"Coming up next, brand new Carlos Mencia! How fast can you change the channel?"

"All-new episodes of Mind of Menica, Wednesday nights at 10:30/9:30 central! Because midgets are never NOT funny!"

"We'll be right back with more Mind of Mencia! If you're watching this, you must not have any friends at all!"

Monday, June 09, 2008

TV sucks

Here's another gem from the cornucopia of programs slowly killing our children. Reality shows, of course, are exempt. I really just wouldn't be able to find the time.

Under One Roof

"Tonight at 8, a brand new Under One Roof! Starring the King of Hilarity himself, Flava Fl--hold on, is this copy right?"

"Wednesday nights just got a whole lot funnier, thanks to Under One Roof! The only sitcom to give Terrell Owens a fair shake!"

"Next week on Under One Roof, Cali Cal teaches Winston Jr. to be a gangster rapper! Meanwhile, Chuck D cries himself to sleep!"

"Stay tuned for the uproarious sitcom Under One Roof, right here on MyNetworkTV! Because anybody can just slit their wrists!"

"Coming up next, Under One Roof! It's what Barack Obama would watch...if he hated black people."

"Don't forget to check out an all-new episode of Under One Roof, tonight at 8/7 central. It's okay if you haven't heard of us, we're not that good a show!"

"Under One Roof! Hey, at least it's not Flavor of Love!"

"Don't change the station, MyNetworkTV will be right back with Under One Roof! The only TV show David Duke finds too offensive!"

"Under One Roof: The story of two very different brothers trying to coexist in the same house. If you squint really hard, it'll almost be like you're watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Thursday, June 05, 2008

TV sucks

(Note: I didn't make this picture. Something this lame can only be found on the Interwebs.)

I think my voice-over career is over before it even got a chance to spread its wings and soar off of the mighty, mighty pedestal I sit on. Why can't I find a job criticizing awful television shows? I'd be so good at it! First up?

House of Payne
"If you thought The Cosby Show was funny, then you're really gonna hate this! All new episodes of House of Payne, tonight on TBS!"

"Join us Wednesday night for an all new episode of House of Payne! Because we here at TBS can't get enough of tired, racial stereotypes!"

"Catch all new episodes of House of Payne, created by Tyler Perry, tonight on TBS! It's just like his movies, only the fat lady isn't a man in drag!"

"House of Payne, tonight at 9 on TBS! If you can't catch the whole episode, just watch the last 5 minutes to learn a life lesson you already knew!"

"Only 1.1 stars? Even IMDB hates House of Payne! And they gave Birth of a Nation 7 stars!"

"House of Payne! You'll wonder why you're not watching something else!"

"Tonight at 9/8 central on TBS, Tyler Perry presents House of Payne. It's just like The Cosby Show, except a big fat guy ate up all the funny!"

"Hey gang, if you're not doing anything Wednesday night, check out House of Payne, the highest rated cable sitcom in history! And no, I'm not sure why I'm even allowed to say that on television!"