Saturday, August 30, 2008

Why I would make a better VP than Sarah Palin

"I swear! This big! It was only the most kickass Walleye ever!"

I expect "Sarah Palin" to be the number one thing googled, if not this entire week, than certainly the entire weekend. I, on the other hand, mostly thought about googling Bristol.


It doesn't matter much now, Senator McCain, but seeing how easy it is to get picked for your running mate, I would like to post-maturely throw my hat into the VP ring. Even though I disagree with you on mostly everything, and the thought of people referring to me as a Republican makes my blood boil, I'm willing to sacrifice my personal beliefs if it can make me famous. So, if you or one of your 11 staffers are reading this, Mr. McCain, here is a list of reasons why I am just as good a choice, if not better, for Vice President of the United States of America.

1) I, too, can be considered a political maverick. This will help your campaign as every day you lose a little bit more of the ability to title yourself in such a manner. I mentioned that I would never want anyone knowing I was on the Republican side of things, but I would also be disgusted if anyone called me a Democrat. I do not belong to any party, Senator McCain. Unless of course you reconsidered and picked me to be your running mate. Then I'd be a loyal Republi... Repub... I'm sorry, I just can't finish that sentence without vomiting. But you know what I mean.

2) I'm quite the wordsmith, Senator, which would help you combat the linguistical wizardry of a certain Barack Obama. He's smarter and more charming than both of us, there is no doubt about that, but certainly my poetic prowess would close the gap. How good am I? I can make this horrific scene (see below) seem manly.

Hmm... Let's see... In this picture, taken at Backyardigans Live, you are clearly demonstrating how a koala bear sleeps on the trunk of a Eucalyptus tree to a bunch of sick children whose mothers are all horny supermodels. President Bush, meanwhile, is trying to hug you, needing to be consoled as Tyrone heads backstage. When you realized what was going on, you punched him in the stomach and told him to stop acting like a queer. This later happening simply was not photographed. (You see! And that was just off the top of my head!) Keep in mind, I'm not a magician. You're on your own when it comes to explaining why you voted against MLK day for so many years.

3) I have essentially as much national and international political experience as Sarah Palin, no matter what Steve Doocy thinks. Not only is my hometown but a short drive away from Canada, but I've also vacationed there as a youngster. I can speak a little Spanish too. Although it has been awhile. I'd need to look up how to say "Yes, I once supported amnesty, but that was before I was a presidential contender. Now get the hell outta my country!"

4) I'm pretty sexy too. Check these pictures out. (I have one of each sex, just in case you are really intent on having a female VP.)

Side note: (Technically a middle note) If you prefer me as a woman, know that my body has only gotten sharper in the past 4 years. Plus, since I'm not really a woman, I won't secretly hate you for opposing an equal pay for equal work bill. Let's see Governor Palin do that!

5) I could attract way more Hillary voters than Sarah Palin ever could. And I don't need a vagina to do it! No one is buying this obvious pander, and frankly it worries many Americans that you would use your VP pick, a potential leader of the free world no less, as nothing more than a political ploy. Not exactly wise judgment. "But Alex, how can you bring in Hillary voters?" you ask? Great question, Senator McCain!

I can bring in Hillary voters by pretending that their complaints are justified. It's just that easy! They're tired of being called racists, they say it's a "lazy" excuse, but then claim Hillary was beaten down by a sexist media. I'd agree with them and say things like, "That makes a lot of sense!" I can lie with the best of 'em, Senator! (For the record, Mr. McCain, the media is both racist and sexist, but since we're both white men, we don't have to worry about any of that! Huzzah for white privilege!)

6) I'm not currently involved in any scandals and I know what a vice president does! (skip to 2:50 if you don't want to hear about her scandal)

7) Her best qualities that help you politically, from what I can gather, are her pro-gun and pro-life stances. Well, guess what, Senator. It's your lucky day!

I love guns! I love holding guns! I love shooting guns! They make you feel so powerful and masculine! It's a rush of testosterone that few activities can match! (Palin liking it so much sends up some red flags as far as I'm concerned.) But it don't stop there! I hate baby killing! Hate it! Birth begins at conception, because hell, what else is it gonna be?! A fucking crocodile?! I will support any pro-life Supreme Court justice you send up, no matter how ridiculous their other ideals are. Oh, but they also have to support gay marriage. If you can find a pro-lifer who is down with the gays, I'll support that nomination 100%. (Not too many of those, however. You might just want to consider me as a Supreme Court justice instead of a VP.)

Well, Johnny Mac, I hope you learned a lot about me. Even if you didn't, it's probably more than you, or anyone else for that matter, knows about Sarah Palin. Get back to me...

Friday, August 29, 2008

RNC Oddsmakers

Barack Obama wrapped up the DNC last night and with the exception of a few detractors, hilariously mocked by The Daily Show last Tuesday, the convention was an enormous success. With Sarah Palin now in as McCain's running mate, the Republican National Convention is up next.

By the way, let's clear up this Sarah Palin "hot" stuff right now. She's not exactly hot; she's more of a two-face. Let's compare some pictures.

#1: First up, the classic "sexy librarian pose." Very appealing. Very naughty. She's got a little of that Tina Fey thing going on. But to call her Tina Fey hot is heresy. Mmm... Tina Fey...

#2: Second, we have another rehearsed pose. Only this time, she's the secretly irritable, old-lady neighbor type. Not appealing. Not naughty. (These pictures also seem to have been taken years apart. If so, that could both help or hurt my point, so I'll let you decide for yourself.)

Enough with this semi-attractive newbie, let's get down to the title of the post and try to predict the future! Much like you can gamble on the coin toss during the Super Bowl, you can now put down strange bets in Vegas on the RNC. I missed out placing bets for the DNC, mostly because I just thought of the idea today, but if you're the wagering type, I've got the lines for you. Good luck!

At the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, the chances that...

-John McCain falls down and breaks his hip: 1 in 53
-Bristol Palin, Sarah's full-time hottie of a daughter, is harassed by Mitt Romney: 1 in 40
-Bristol Palin is harassed by Bill O'Reilly: 1 in 4
-Rudy Giuliani uses the N-word in reference to Obama: 1 in 3,500
-A microphone picks up a public official using the N-word in reference to Obama: 1 in 350
-A camera shows a random delegate mouthing the N-word in reference to Obama: 3 in 5
-Dick Cheney's beak nose gets caught on mic as he delivers his speech: 1 in 9
-George Bush makes up another word: 4 in 11
-Obama is compared favorably to a terrorist: 5 in 7
-Obama is directly called a terrorist: 6 in 7
-Obama is "mistakenly" referred to as "Osama": 6.5 in 7
-Sarah Palin is harassed by Bill O'Reilly thinking she is Bristol Palin: 3 in 4
-Schwarzenegger receives applause from the crowd even though they don't know what the fuck he just said: 1 in 1

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Accepting the nomination

I don't care how many people CNN interviews. I don't care how many times they say it. I don't care which adjectives they use to describe it. No one, I repeat, no one, can fully comprehend how historical this event is. And to think, he hasn't even won yet.

Recall the history you know and imagine the history you don't. Think of the events and the stories that you'll never know, that no one will ever know, because they are dead and buried. Few times have I been proud of America. This is one of them. I don't pray nearly as much as I should, but I'm gonna try and keep you safe the best way I can. Don't let us down.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Disastrous movie

In order to show everyone that the new Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie, Disaster Movie, is not nearly as stupid as Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, I’m going to give you a slight preview of the script. Aaron and Jason had asked me to review the script for Disaster Movie, wondering which parts I wouldn’t immediately burn. Unfortunately for them, I threw that motherfucker into a bonfire and pissed on the ashes. They drafted a completely new copy and sent me one as a thank you for all my help. No problem guys. Anytime.

In this scene, the Juno look-alike is talking to the Dr. Phil look-alike about the Amy Winehouse look-alike regarding her involvement in the recent wave of frightening disasters that have struck the city.

Juno look-alike: Um, just cause I'm pregnant or whatever, doesn't mean I can't tell what's totally going on here. It's like, did the Fraggles love doozer sticks?! Chea, I think so.

Dr. Phil look-alike: Now, what you need to do, is admit to Amy that you don't really know if she started all of this. Cause if you're gonna jump to conclusions you may as well conclude to jump on the goober tracks with the big ol' goober train a comin' through.

Amy Winehouse look-alike: (surprised the camera panned to her, throws away heroin needle) You guys! Come on! I didn't do any of this stuff! It was probably him! (points to Incredible Hulk look-alike standing nearby)

Incredible Hulk look-alike: How dare you! You're making me angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry... (flexes his muscles and accidentally farts)

(camera pans to Miley Cyrus look-alike holding her nose)

Miley Cyrus look-alike: Like, aw mi gawd, dudes! That's like, totally stank! This is, like, so nawt the life!

(Vanessa Hudgens look-alike enters with Zac Efron look-alike; Hudgens look-alike is wearing only underwear and Efron look-alike has huge zit on nose)

Vanessa Hudgens look-alike: Hey, Hannah, I told you to stay away from my man! I'm the only one who sends him dirty pictures. Got it, bitch?!

(Hudgens and Cyrus get into sexy catfight and roll around on ground, camera pans to Efron look-alike and after a brief pause on his face, zooms in on his zit)

Zac Efron look-alike's zit: (in a stereotypical black voice) Aww shit, mufucka! Dat's what da hell I'm talkin' bout!

Voice: Did you forget about me? (camera swings to Paris Hilton look-alike coming down the street)

Paris Hilton look-alike: I'm still totally hot! So hot that I - Whoa! (Hilton look-alike slips on banana peel and her chihuahua goes flying over the horizon)

Chihuahua: (in a stereotypical Mexican voice) Go see my moovee, holmes! Es reely dog-gone gooood (voice fades out)

(just then, a comically old Indiana Jones look-alike enters with a walker)

Comically old Indiana Jones look-alike: I'll save you all! After I finish my game. (sits at table and starts playing mah-jongg)

Comically old John McCain look-alike: Oh! I love that game! But no time, now. Let's do this, Barack OSAMA!

(McCain look-alike, now wearing boxing gloves, turns to box a Barack Obama look-alike who is dressed like a terrorist)

Voice: Hold it right there! This is our city!

(enter Sex and the City look-alikes, only they're drag queens; sexy music plays as they walk in slow motion down the street)

(just then, a comically fat Al Gore look-alike holding two corn dogs runs through the Sex and the City drag queen look-alikes screaming)

Comically fat Al Gore look-alike: It's here! Global warming is here! Run for your lives!

(all characters run screaming down the street past a Joker look-alike)

Joker look-alike: Why so serious? (Joker look-alike glances up at oncoming global warming attack and screams like a little girl; as he tries to run, his pants fall down revealing his Batman boxer shorts)

(pan to global warming which turns out to be a giant McLovin in his trademark vest and he's lumbering down the street)

Giant McLovin look-alike: What up, gangstas?! Chika-chika yeah!

Well, I don't want to ruin the movie for you, so I'll just stop right there. You'll be shocked at what is chasing the giant McLovin! Here's a hint: she is fat, has a shaved head, is carrying a baby and singing "Stomp me baby one more time!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


The following classic comes from a computer class I took in 10th grade, the assignment being to create a flyer for something. The only stipulation was it had to include a Starport Airlines reference, the imaginary airline within the computer textbook we were working out of. This is my entry, altered somewhat because I could not get a decent full picture of the entire page. Therefore, I have kept the heading and written out all text that appeared beneath it.

I got a B because, and I'm not making this up, the teacher wrote, "Is the spell check not working?" This is only one of the reasons I believed myself to be smarter than pretty much every teacher I had in high school.

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Olympics Update X

Final Olympics update! Hooray! I've only got two things to talk about really, the closing ceremonies and an example of how angry Spanish people are they lost to the US in basketball. (Spanish "person" technically, but it's still hilarious.)

I think this picture really embodies the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. Great competition set in beautiful scenery and architecture. China has a tremendous history, both glorious and atrocious (not unlike the Olympics) which I guess made it the perfect setting for the games. If I was IOC President Jacque Rogge, I still wouldn't have given them the games unless they agreed to make a legitimate effort to curb their human rights violations, but oh well, it was a great two weeks of athletic competition. An athletic competition that saw the US prevail, depending of course on how you look at it. The real sad part about it ending? All the Olympics pictures I have posted tend to get taken down. :(

And now for some fun. Here is one anonymous Spaniard's comments on the USA basketball team beating Spain. Let's just call him Bincente Bampos-Buereta Bíez.

Here's his Facebook status:
"reminds all US people that 2 minutes to the end of the game Spain was only 2 points down, and that Spain is the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP right now!!!"

Here is his old Facebook status:
Bicente is sad because the US basketball team doesn´t learn the FIBA rules... and the reffs doesn´t punish them on the field... that´s how the US won the olympics..."

Notice how he went from "the US won the Olympics" to "Spain is the world championship." The piss poor grammar aside, he's clearly desperate to hold on to some sense of accomplishment from the dirty racists of the Spanish national basketball team. And when I pointed out the racism of the Spaniards, he quickly went to this... (Read it to the best of your ability. I know it's difficult, but he's been out of the US for some time now.)

ok.. first, we are the racist people? i remember i´ve seen on tv how owen, the US guy that won 4 golds on the olympics of berlin 1936 telling to US channels that Hitler was better person with black people than all us white people!, plus we were the first empire to abolish slaverty, the US did it 150 years later... plus i´ve learn in YOUR OWN COUNTRY how racist you were 40 years ago... remember luter king?! yeah... and you and me know there´s still racism over there... in 2008! Spain never was, it is not, and will never be racist... and in second point, if the referee would punish you with (i don´t know how to say it in english) the 2 walks everytime the game start¿? we would beat you by 20 points! it is time for you to learn the real RULES!... and by the way... just for you to remember... we are the world championship!"

I had to remind this young lad that I never said the US isn't a racist nation. In fact, if you watch any major news network's coverage of the Obama campaign, you'll see it laced with stereotypes and be awed at the "experts" racializing his run at the presidency. At least once you'll hear someone "mistakenly" call him "Barack Osama," a clear attempt to mark Obama as the "other," as the "different," as the "un-American." Still, in all my studies on race in the United States, I don't remember ever reading about a "luter king."

After speaking with a translator, it appears that Binny is also upset with the US team violating rules of some kind. Not that Olympic referees are any good, but I think if the US team violated any FIBA rules, the refs (one "f") would have called it. For instance, the FIBA court is smaller than an NBA court, so if the US player goes out of bounds by a foot, such an infraction is hard to miss. Even for Olympic basketball refs.

Maybe my favorite is the "Spain never was, it is not, and will never be racist" line. Obviously, Binny has selective memory, because he doesn't seem to remember in 2006 when, and I'm paraphrasing from NPR, the Spanish government had to craft a new law to fight racism in sports after several black soccer players were the targets of insults and attacks. Such a selective memory would serve Bicente well if he ever decides to venture into politics.

That's it for the Olympics folks, hope you enjoyed my miserable attempt at covering them. Now that I have nothing to write about, I'll go back to posting old things I have written because new ideas are soooooo hard to come up with!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Olympics Update IX

I'm finally fully moved in! But I've missed a lot more and the closing ceremonies are almost upon us! Let's hurry!

Both USA and China are now into the triple digits! Huzzah!
USA: 36 gold, 38 silver, 36 bronze
China: 51 gold, 21 silver, 28 bronze
Other than that, Russia broke 50 medals, but no other country has. Are there even any more medals to give away? Men's indoor volleyball? (If it's already over, don't tell me who won.) Go Lloy Ball! Fort Wayne power!

You know what, the Olympics are pretty much over, fuck this number system.

-Bryan Clay wins the decathlon and legitimately earns the title of World's Greatest Athlete. And fuck you, NBC, for letting me see this much of it!

-Phil "Shrek" Dalhausser and his nearly faceless partner dominated Brazil in the third set for the men's beach volleyball gold. Just like Lloy Ball dominated in the men's indoor final! I accidentally found out they won. :(

-Allyson Felix wins gold in the 4x400 relay, thanks to an amazing anchor leg run by Sanya Richards. The US men won their 4x400 relay too, even with that slowpoke Jeremy Warner anchoring the team. The United States' 4x100 teams were too busy sobbing to watch.

-Three races, three golds, and three world records. Usain Bolt is not the new Michael Phelps; Usain Bolt is the first Usain Bolt. (He doesn't even pee on homeless people!) Look out London, Bolt's coming back for more.

-Cuba's Angel Matos, going for the bronze in Taekwondo in the 80kg weight class, was disqualified after taking too much injury time. His response? Hi-yah! He kicked the referee in the head and then started pushing around the nice, blue-blazered men who were trying to calm him down. I'd put the video on here, but I doubt it'd stay up. Just google the hell out of "Angel Matos video" and you'll eventually find it. It was a really weak kick, no wonder the guy was only going for a bronze.

-BMX racing in the Olympics? Really?! What's next, skateboarding? Dominoes?

What? You thought I forgot?!

¡Motherfuck an España! Ricky Rubio looks like Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job! Dwayne Wade in your motherfucking face!

That was but a snippet of what I was yelling last night at 4 o'clock in the morning, most certainly bothering my neighbors. That game was ass-clenchingly, heart-stoppingly ridiculous. If I see Dwayne Wade within the next week, I'm going to kiss him right on the mouth. He played absolutely out of his mind! Everybody picked up their game and thank goodness they did, because after getting a beatdown earlier and playing with injuries, those dirty, hairy, racist Spaniards made it a game. Few times this year have I been that furious/nervous. What a way to end the Olympics.

Closing ceremonies in, what, like four hours? Go Jimmy Page, go!

Olympics Update *Special Edition*

Christian Slater is Henry.
Christian Slater is Edward.
Christian Slater is lame.

If you haven't been watching the Olympics, you haven't been seeing NBC's promos for the newest worst show on television "My Own Worst Enemy." Not since Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles has a unaired program looked so unwatchable. I dare this show to reach 13 episodes.

You get True Romance by a clear mile, Slater, and I'll even give you Broken Arrow because that is watchable action formula, but is there another good movie you've done? Casting you as a mysterious super spy is like casting Kevin Bacon as a dangerous vigilante killer. Oh, wait! That didn't work out either!

Oh, and if this show doesn't use "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit as a theme song, I'm going after David Semel.

Here, here's another one. Awful...

Olympics Update VIII

I was without internet access for two days! I almost died! Then I went on a mini-vacation and when I finally got back to the real world, turns out I've missed a lot. Not only is Bigfoot not real, but Amanda Beard thinks Michael Phelps is hideous! Let's catch up on all the action with an Olympic-sized post!

The United States is poised to be the first country to break the 100 medal mark as they currently have 95. China will follow soon after, as they hold 83 medals, but even more impressive is that China almost has as many gold medals as Russia, who is third in the medal count, has total medals. With so many medals to win during the summer games, you'd think third place would have more than 51. Embarrassing performances from all major countries except China and the US.

#2:Tom Biscardi looks like a total asshole (as if a professional Bigfoot hunter didn't already look like a total asshole) after Joe Bob and Bob Jim from Ballsac, Georgia revealed that their I-found-Bigfoot's-dead-carcas gag was just a big scam. I'm kinda bummed, but not in the least surprised by this turn of events, and it goes to show everyone that while maybe some mythical creatures or paranormal activities aren't out of the realm of possibility, backward-ass rednecks are dirty liars. This is just one of the reasons backward-ass rednecks are universally hated, by the way. Apparently, these two brothers/father and son/uncle and grandpa bought a Bigfoot costume on the Internets (Rednecks know how to use the Internets?) and stuffed it with roadkill and "slaughterhouse leftovers". This brings us to another reason we all hate white trash, they are willing to handle and bag slaughterhouse leftovers. Too bad, MonsterQuest. You almost had something.

More gymnastics controversy! (Only some of it legitimate.) Yes, Anastasia Liukin got a raw deal on the uneven bars. If you're going to drop high and low scores to eliminate some type of judging error, your tiebreaker cannot be just adding those scores back in. Why remove the high and low scores in the first place, then? The process becomes self-defeating. Elsewhere, on the vault, Alicia Sacramone (who has one hell of a left hook) didn't deserve the bronze. It's sad she couldn't redeem her performance from the team competition with a medal, even if it was only a bronze, but the system is based on averages. Cheng Fei did a great first vault, a terrible second vault, and the average was better than Sacramone's two okay vaults. The way to fix these situations? Get some judges who know what the hell they're doing. Figure it out, IOC.

With Johnson finally getting her gold on the beam, the best 1-2 gymnastics punch since...sometime, finished this way.
Shawn Johnson - 1 gold, 3 silver
Anastasia Liukin - 1 gold, 3 silver, 1 bronze
Now the only debate left is, which gymnast was hotter? Sacramone or Liukin? And if you're creepy enough, Johnson.

#4:Track and field yielded all kinds of stories, including today! Let's try and cover them all.

-Easily the most crushing story is defending champion Liu Xiang not being able to run the 110m hurdles due to an ankle injury, disappointing himself and an entire nation. I felt so bad for China, because I kept thinking, "What if LeBron James got hurt?" I'd probably cry myself to sleep, at least until the Olympics were over, maybe even after that. With him out, Dayron "Bookworm" Robles won the gold (which he may have won anyway), while US runners David "House of" Payne and David "Watch out for my shoulders!" Oliver picked up silver and bronze, respectively.

-Both the US 4x100m teams (men and women) were disqualified after not being able to pass the baton during the race. Bad Olympics for Tyson Gay. Gotta feel bad for him, too.

-Meanwhile, Usain Bolt continues to make every other sprinter he runs against look like they're at the wrong Olympics. Two gold medals so far, both unheard of world records, and he could pick up another one in the 4x100m finals, especially since the US and Britain are out.

-Another silver to the gorgeous Allyson Felix as she was unable to best Veronica Campbell-Brown.

-Other stuff too. Look it up yourself.

Wondering if Olympic swimmer and Playboy model Amanda Beard is dating Michael "Eli Manning" Phelps? In a hilarious radio interview, she clarified everything, saying "Eww!" three times. Twice when asked is she had kissed and/or held hands with him and once after the radio DJ (whose is a fucking loser, you can tell) said that Michael Phelps had "thought about her a lot." She later said she was joking around, but really, if you look at Phelps from the neck up, "Eww!" is a correct response. Pay no attention to the title, she did not call Phelps "nasty," rather the thought of Phelps masturbating to her was nasty.

Not since the ERA have US women been so forceful. Misty May and Kerri Walsh repeated as gold medalists against the Chinese; a match in which they wore white bikinis in the rain. If you missed it, the replay will air all this week on Cinemax after 11:30pm. The women's soccer team won gold and avenged a World Cup loss against Brazil in a most exciting game. Hope Solo then called Greg Ryan and told him to eat shit. Undefeated Cuba was upset by the US women's indoor volleyball team, but number one ranked Brazil is next in the gold medal match. Good luck!

Not all US women's teams had success as the once untouchable softball team was beaten by Japan for the gold. Unfortunate yes, but this brings up an opportunity to bash Europe, so I'm going to take advantage. Baseball and softball are going away for the 2012 games and perhaps beyond since many European IOC members "don't get" the appeal of either sport. Or maybe it's because they can't compete. Or maybe it's because the US does well. Or maybe it's because the IOC wants more "stars" competing instead of playing in Major League Baseball. Does this mean if America had more IOC members that soccer, taekwondo, judo, wrestling, fencing, equestrian, rowing, water polo, synchronized swimming, and a host of other sports wouldn't be included since we don't like them and don't see any big names? EU? More like Pee-yew!

USA basketball rules!

Ping pong isn't really supposed to be sexy. On the other hand, exploiting women's bodies is a pastime as old as hating immigrants.

I think I've run out of things to say for now.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Olympics Update VII

Woop! Woop! Woop! That's not just the sound of the Michael Phelps siren, it's me being excited that swimming is over! (Please say it's over!)

Friday night, I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted Phelps to win his 7th gold medal in the 100m butterfly. On the one hand, I really wanted to see him beat the hell out of everyone and win gold for the US, but NBC's Phelps Fever is getting so annoying that it'd almost be nice for them to have to admit he's actually a human being, not a god. During the last 25m I shouted, "Get it, boy!" And he did! (Well, it was more of a mix between him getting it and Cavic losing it, but who cares?)

This turn of events leads me to believe that, in fact, I am responsible for Michael Phelps' success. I knew there was a reason I didn't particularly like him; he's stealing all my glory! I don't want to get too closely associated with him however, people may start to think I peed on that homeless man.

After winning his 8th gold, a feat I once thought impossible, I am ready to finally admit that swimming is boring and it had better be over. (Seriously though, incomprehensible what Phelps has done and he has earned his title as the greatest swimmer in history and one of the best Olympians of all-time. Not the best, but he's put himself in the conversation.)

In related news, NBC is changing its logo from the famed peacock to a silhouette of Michael Phelps. Andrea Kremer will proceed to *blank* it. (Put in whichever verb you please, just remember that she loves superstar athletes.)

One more swimming bit, Dara Torres comes out of Beijing all kinds of silvery. MILFs everywhere rejoice.

Enough about Phelps, let's take a gander at the medal count.
USA: 17 gold, 18 silver, 22 bronze
China: 27 gold, 13 silver, 9 bronze
Whilst we may lead overall, however, with more bronze medals than both gold and silver, China is really winning the medal race.

It took forever for me to see the men's 100m dash, due to NBC wanting to put the race in prime time. You had Michael Phelps! What more do you need?! Therefore, I accidentally discovered that Usain Bolt won the race more than 12 hours before I saw it. Actually, he didn't win the race, so much as he dominated the balls off it. He set the world record while decelerating for the last 15 meters! Unheard of! Truly a runner of epic proportion.

Broadcasting the entire women's marathon or broadcasting any more than five minutes of the men's 20km walk: which deserves to claim the title as biggest waste of airtime? Even though the marathon was over 2 hours long, I'm going with five minutes of speed walking. It's hilarious up until that point, but then it gets sad. Why don't they just take up running? They're so close! Another reason I dislike it, besides the obvious ridiculousness, is because apparently everyone cheats, but most don't get called for it because it's not visible to the naked eye. Kinda like steroids, but I don't see any congressional hearings on lifting!

The Redeem Team put its proverbial cock down the proverbial throat of Team España in a 119-82 televised mouth-raping. The Gasols looked uglier than ever and Calderon proved his worthlessness. Elsewhere, China beat Germany to advance into the quarterfinals! "How'd this happen?" you ask? Well, anytime Chris Kaman is on your team you're bound to suck. Chris Kaman is a loser. Just an awful basketball player.

Federer won something! Holy cow! He should just take up doubles indefinitely. Unfortunately, James Blake lost which puts a damper on the Olympics for me. Know what else puts a damper on the Olympics for me? Airing Olympic tennis.

Show me something worth watching, NBC!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Olympics Update *Special Edition*

Taekwondo, judo, and wrestling. Why are they so damn difficult to broadcast? And because of your lousy Olympics coverage, NBC, I missed Ara Abrahamian making the most defining statement in any Olympics ever! Jesse Owens in 1936? Close, but no cigar.

Angry after his defeat in the 84 kg weight class of the Greco-Roman wrestling semi-finals, Abrahamian stormed the judges table and had to be physically restrained by teammates. Now, I did not see the match (more like, Nonsensical Bullshit Coverage!) but Abrahamian not only thought he won the match, but that the judges had been corrupted. Whether the judges were influenced by outside sources, had a vendetta against Abrahamian, or just believed he lost is of no consequence, because the real story here is what the Swedish wrestler did at the medal ceremony. (Watch here!)

After the lowliest of medals had been placed around his neck, Abrahamian shook hands with fellow bronze medalist Nazmi Avluca (It's a shame that some great competitions feel the need to give out two bronze medals. Gross!) and proceeded to walk away, leaving his bronze medal on the mat. He retired from the sport, claiming that he considered this Olympics a failure having not won gold. At last, a guy with his head on straight!

Nobody comes to win a bronze! Firstly, it's a disgusting color, not to mention that it's not even a real metal! Do you see it on the Periodic Table? No! If it's not a real metal, it's not a real medal. And I'm glad to finally see someone with the guts to do what everyone else thinks of doing. Leave that shit right where it belongs! On the ground! Or in the garbage, but I guess there wasn't a trash can nearby.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Olympics Update VI

I missed but a day and I feel so far behind. Bigfoot's in a fucking freezer!

Medal count time!
USA: 14 gold, 12 silver, 17 bronze
China: 22 gold, 8 silver, 6 bronze
Kyrgyzstan: 1 silver, 1 bronze
(Why not Kyrgyzstan? Nobody else is stepping up. I have faith in the Kyrgyzstanians.)
And fear not US loyals, when track and field starts we will stop picking up the chocolate wrapped in bronzed foil and start winning some real shiny shit.

#2:I just watched the women's individual all-around and I was riveted! Shawn Johnson pulled that floor routine out of her muscley midget behind and came up with a silver medal! That's the kind of determination and courage I like to see from athletes who just will not accept a bronze. And I have to congratulate Anastasia Liukin (beautiful name!) on winning the gold with some exceptional performances! Side note: I have considered being Anastasia for Halloween, and now if that were to happen (I'm not doing it by myself Shawn and Alicia!) I would have a lovely golden medallion to hang 'round my neck. Congratulations ladies!

Yeah, yeah. Michael Phelps won another gold. So did Rebecca Soni. So did Lochte (who also won a bronze in that Phelps race). Oh, and Peirsol won a silver and Coughlin won a bronze. I'm tired of swimming, can we see something different please?! Anything! How about American Matthew Emmons picking up the silver in men's 50m rifle prone. (Maybe that was on, I have no idea. I was out roller-coastering.) By the way, came up with a hilarious joke.

Q: Do you know why I couldn't reach my drink?
A: Because I put it on a roller coaster!

The Redeem Team creamed a warm load of ouzo on the face of Greece's national team. Chris Bosh as a leading scorer?! I must say, I am very disappointed to have missed this. It sounds like we played a tight, cohesive game. LBJ ripped it up as usual, not to mention Kobe Bryant. I'd also like to commend Dwyane Wade for yet another remarkable performance. So glad he's playing like his old self again. Next up are Los Pendejos Españoles (hope I said that correctly), who may not receive such a polite welcome from the ever-gracious Chinese crowd. They love us and probably hate Spain. At least they should.

Did I forget to mention that Michael Phelps once peed on a homeless guy?

#6:I didn't stay up to watch all of the men's gymnastics, but I did see Yang "Moose Ears" Wei beast it up for awhile, and apparently nothing changed after I was in La La Land. He won the gold and some other guys finished second and third. Until some of these countries catch up, they don't get recognition. Suck on it, Japan!

Apparently, track and field has started! Huzzah! Watch out for Bryan Clay and watch out for the men's 100m race. It may be the best 100m race ever run.


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympics Update *Special Edition*

Hey Spain, two fucking medals?! And one of them is a bronze?! Are you kidding me?! Don't you know racism doesn't win medals? Disrespecting poor people does! Just look at Michael Phelps!

Let's start with some of Pau Gasol's quotes as he tried to defend the Spanish basketball team's racism.

"If anyone feels offended by it, we totally apologize for it."

That's not a fucking apology. I'm tired of these fake apologies where the apology isn't directed at the action taken or the person/people involved, but at those who were so out of line as to be offended.

Here's what an apology looks like.

"We regret the actions we took and recognize that they are completely unacceptable. It was an error in judgment that I assure you will never be repeated. The decision to pose in such a manner was ours and ours alone and we hope the great nation and the great people of Spain are not looked down upon because of us."

"Some of us didn’t feel comfortable doing it...It was never intended to be offensive or racist against anybody."

Bull-motherfucking-shit. First of all, if you didn't feel comfortable with it, grow a pair and refuse to do it. I'm not comfortable with that ignorant shit and you wouldn't have caught me doing it. And if the sponsor insisted I do it, I'd tell him to suck my balls. If he had a problem sucking my balls, I'd tell him I could grab a razor and cut his fucking eyelids to see how funny he saw it then. Who was this sponsor anyway? Does the KKK endorse the Spanish basketball team? Could be, I know they certainly wouldn't endorse the Redeem Team.

As far as the "never intended it to be offensive" nonsense, of course you did. You think it's funny that Asian people's eyes look different than your own. It's aggravating that you think that, but it's just bigotry. I see and hear that shit every day. Be a racist, fine. I know some people you could hang with. But what pisses me off more than anything, is a racist who attempts to cover up blatant racism with illogical bullshit.

Not to mention Pau said this.

"It was supposed to be a picture that inspired the Olympic spirit."


So fuck Pau Gasol and fuck his fat ass brother while you're at it. Let's move on to Jose Calderon, who just may be the stupidest motherfucker on the planet Earth. (And by the way, Jose, I will not be accenting your name because I do not have that much respect for you.)

"From here I would like to declare that we have a huge respect for the East and their people, some of my best friends in Toronto are from China"

No you don't. If you had any respect for them you wouldn't have done it. And may I say, the "I'm not a racist, some of my best friends are..." routine is a laughable defense. Just plain embarrassing. When is the last time anybody even bought that line? You can have all the Chinese friends you want, but if they don't know how you speak about them, their people, and their culture when their backs are turned, then they're probably not really your friends. Oh, and that also makes you a racist.

Shame also goes out to the IOC, who in an effort to kill whatever controversy arises, said this...

"We understand that the Spanish team intended no offense and has apologized. The matter rests there as far as the I.O.C. is concerned."

Of course it does. Because you have no spine. All you care about is taking away medals from innocent people whose teammates cheated. I think the IOC is taking bribes again from whatever "sponsor" (if one even exists) that requested the Spanish basketball team "slant your eyes like you were stupid Chinamen." (Not actually a quote, but what I imagine had to be the phrase uttered before the picture was taken.)

Now let's hear (or just read) Jason Kidd's quotes as he drops some science.

"We would've been already thrown out of the Olympics...At least, we wouldn't have been able to come back to the U.S."

Kidd also said that there would have been suspensions for US players and that it sets a double standard when (he knew nothing would happen) Spain would not be punished. He's exactly right. Why have we infantilized the Spanish players, suggesting perhaps they didn't know any better? It's a ridiculous argument.

In closing, Spanish national team, I hope your plane crashes on the way back home. And then during the funeral procession, I hope there is a horrible car accident and your mothers all die in a fire. While your children watch. And, yes, I meant that to be offensive. (You see? Not that hard!)

I gave it a shot! Haha!

Oh, and kiss your 2016 Olympics goodbye, Spain. Chicago's got that shit on lock.

Olympics Update V

Michael Phelps was on another relay team that broke a world record and won a gold medal! But fuck those other guys, Michael Phelps is the man! Whoo! Personally, I say "Big deal!" I'll be more impressed if he learns how to properly urinate. It's called a toilet, Michael, not a homeless man.

I'm tired of Michael Phelps being called the greatest Olympic athlete ever. Is what he's doing incredibly, unthinkably difficult? Yes. Is he the best Olympic swimmer ever? Yeah, I'll give him that too. I mean, he's going to come back in 2012 and win more, so why not give him the title? However, it's so much easier to win multiple gold medals in swimming because they give them away like soup at a homeless shelter. (Don't even think about it, Phelps!) It's not that I hate the guy, in fact, I too am awed by what he's doing, but I think it's best to look at his Olympic career in context instead of mindlessly stroking his cock. (And, what at this point has to be, his massive ego.)

Also, concerning the world records, it's all getting a little silly. Either stop timing the heats because these records fall like dominoes, or put some limitations on the swimsuits. If the record hasn't been broken in the last year and a half, it's going down. Simple as that.

#2: Korea showed absolutely no guts in accepting their first bronze medal. Don't even get on the stand! Fuck that piece of shit! By the way, is any other country interested in stepping up to challenge the dominance of the US and China? Maybe Russia should stop invading sovereign nations and start invading some medal stands. Australia? Don't make me laugh. And the French need to win a gold before they can even be put in 7th place. Ridiculous...

Calling all cars, be on the look out for a 20 year old white female, five feet and one inch tall, answering to Alicia Sacramone. She is charged with costing the US women's gymnastics team a gold medal. As difficult as it will be, you must resist shooting her on sight for this heinous crime (or hitting on her, because let's be serious...holy shit!)

Okay, so it wasn't all her fault, Johnson and Liukin couldn't stay inside the lines on floor either, and I would cry 10 times out of 10 if put under the unbelievable pressure any of these girls faced. And China's not exactly the worst team to lose to considering most of those girls started doing gymnastics seven to eight years before anyone on the US squad. Let's not blame the fact that not all of the Chinese gymnasts were 16 (clearly they were not) because it's a stupid rule anyway. If they can handle the pressure and the rigors, put 'em through. Hell, Nadia Comaneci was only 14 when she received the first perfect 10 in Olympic history. (Thanks, Kelly!) Sometimes you just don't get the gold. Deal with it.

The man's name is LeBron James and if the Redeem Team has any shot of beating Greece, who at this point looks like much tougher competition than Spain, they have to get him the ball. I'm not worried about Kobe, he won't shoot that poorly again, and to be honest, that whole "Angola" game was bullshit anyway. It's hard not to play down to the competition when the competition is so poor. The IOC should have just given us the win and let our guys scrimmage.

Don't expect an update tomorrow night, I need some sleep for Cedar Point on Thursday. So go ahead and don't expect one Thursday.


Monday, August 11, 2008

Olympics Update IV

Hey, US men's gymnastics team, I don't care how many people on your team got hurt, you do not brag about a bronze medal. Ever. I hope you drown in that river!

The US is closing the medal gap! We almost have as many bronze medals as China has golds! Whoo! Actually, in the overall medal count, we are on the positive side of the gap with 20 medals to China's 16. Korea is in third with 10 medals, but they're doing it the right way. No bronze medals. Way to go, Korea!

Aaron Peirsol won a gold medal in the men's 100m backstroke.
Natalie Coughlin won a gold medal in the women's 100m backstroke.
Leisel Jones won a gold medal in the women's 100m breaststroke.
Michael Phelps won a gold medal in the men's 200m freestyle. (And later peed on a homeless man.)
Come on, NBC! I'm drowning in the swimming coverage!
[Two drowning jokes in one post? He's clearly running out of material.]

Jin Jong-oh from the Republic of Korea captured the gold in men's 50m pistol. And in doing so, he joins the other shooting medal winners, both men and women, in achieving greatness in the least athletic sport in the Olympics. Yes, even a 600 pound lump of flesh could fire a gun at a target. What this fatty couldn't do is sit on a horse (or the horse would die), try to sail (or the boat would sink), attempt archery (the giant belly wouldn't allow it), or play handball (because the ball looks yummy). Let's face it, team handball is possibly the easiest sport ever invented, but it does take athleticism.

#4:I didn't find much worth discussing today. I watched some archery, I watched some badminton, I watched the US blow it against the Netherlands in soccer. Pretty boring day as far as I'm concerned. What I did find, however, is this picture of Kerri Walsh's abs. Holy shit.

USA basketball on in less than 6 hours! What am I doing up?!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympics Update III

That faint whimpering you heard at the end of Day 2 was French swimmer Alain Bernard. You're lucky, Pierre, it could have been worse. Michael Phelps could have peed on you like you were some kind of homeless man. (Or maybe the homeless man was French, and having no continual access to water, he asked Phelps to pee on him to regain his natural odor. Perhaps I've grossly misjudged Michael Phelps...)

More than one billion people saw the dominance of LeBron James and I couldn't have been happier. Outside of poor shooting throughout the first half, that is the best I have seen the team look on both offense and defense. I gained a lot of respect for China, but I'm not sure they will get out of group play. Argentina was upset by Lithuania, but neither team was impressive. Good news for the Redeem Team.

China's female gymnasts outperformed the US team, but the way I see it, any added pressure to the Chinese team will benefit the United States. Johnson and Liukin dominated the balance beam, but both failed to score over a 16. Preposterous! I'm no expert in scoring gymnastics, but I know enough to say for sure that Johnson's small step on the dismount is hardly an execution deduction of .925. What else did she do wrong on that routine? I'm none too worried about it though, Liukin got her fall out early, I don't think she'll do anything like that again.

Speaking of scoring, how the fuck do you win in equestrian? They were just riding around!

Apparently they started the Judo, but I have yet to see any. I didn't see the men's individual epee either. Get on the damn ball, NBC. Rowing, water polo, synchronized diving, equestrian, and more swimming? Put something decent on TV! I mean, I can only watch Côte d'Ivoire so long before I start missing Drogba. May and Walsh are on tomorrow. That'll help.

Too motherfuckin' soon

R.I.P. Bernie Mac

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Olympics Update II

Day 1 of official Olympic action is over and the USA is in the lead! As if there was any doubt! I don't like that we have four bronze medals, however. Do better America.

Michael Phelps won his first gold medal in the 400m IM and broke his own world record! He celebrated by hugging his family, high-fiving his friends, and peeing on a nearby homeless man. What can you say, the guy loves everything gold. (Thanks, Tynan!) Another swimming update, Dara Torres, at 41 years of age, helped the US team nab a silver in the women's 4x100m freestyle relay. Way to go, Nana Torres! Give that dirty bronze to the Aussies!

#2:The US sweeps in women's individual sabre, proving once again that fencing is sooooo awesome to watch! I could do without the screaming though. I've done some sabre, but I'm really waiting for the foil bouts. It will remind me of how great I was as a fencer.

My condolences to US men's volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon and his family after a crazed Chinese citizen attacked McCutcheon's wife's parents. My angry fist-shaking at any news outlet (you know who you are!) who covered the story as an "Olympics attack." It was not an Olympics attack, but an attack at the Olympics. They are different things. Both saddening, but completely different.

#4:Big beach volleyball upset as Shrek and Mr. Nearly Nonexistent (Dalhausser and Rogers) played like (volley)balls and were outshone by some young Latvian upstarts. Another beach volleyball upset on the women's side with megastars Misty May and Kerri Walsh. Mostly me being upset that their bikinis stayed on. And in the erotic, yet very disturbing picture above, President Bush showing once again that he is the only US president to attend a beach volleyball game...EVER! A clear sign of progression from the days of President Taft. Taft hated beach volleyball!

I have to get to bed, USA basketball is coming on in 7 hours!


Friday, August 08, 2008

The Parker Brothers are blushing

Recently, my friends and I played (and I use that word loosely) a game of Scrabble in which we tried to only put down offensive words or phrases. Here is the final list of plays.

Whore (which became Asswhore)
Vaginar (the southern pronunciation of vagina)
Queer (Used, of course, in the most uplifting way possible. Congratulations, gay people, on taking that word back!)
Bulge (which became Bulger because we had an R to use)
Rim (as in rim job)
Voink (a made-up euphemism for...well, anything dirty really.)
Labia (hilarious in a purely scientific fashion)
Lube (Lube.)
Clit (Took us forever to find it. Its place on the board that is! Ha!)
Tity (a deliberate misspelling of Titty - we needed the other T for something funnier)
Twat (for our English friends)
Head (as in oral sex)
Toed (inside joke for us, but I think you can figure it out)
Jizz (which became Jizzbag)
Muff dive (as in oral sex)
Mojos (the only non-dirty word on the board, but any word pronounced correctly can be filthy)
My pooner (just very enjoyable)
Ooesexn (as in "Oooh Eee! Sexing!")
I eat cunts (pretty self-explanatory)
and lastly...
Real Dongy Dik Pee (really the coup de grâce of the board, so long we had to hook it down)

Oh, and in an earlier game, we played "I blows gay dongs." Too many letters, I know, but we made an exception.

Olympics Update

It's my 2nd Olympics! And it's an Olympics that actually means something no less! Eat it, Torino!

#1:The opening ceremonies of the Beijing games were mind-bendingly awesome. I enjoyed the artistic retelling of Chinese history and it was only aided by the commentators shitting on the country. During the opening drumming sequence, I only saw one guy who was late on his cues, but thankfully he was immediately replaced and escorted out of the country. Crack security staff!

The story I'm most interested in this Olympics is the Redeem Team. USA basketball finally got their shit together, but after having seen all of the exhibition games, I'm still a little nervous. It won't mean much coming from one of his biggest fans, but LeBron James has to lead the team in minutes. He's easily the biggest threat when he's on the court. And Krzyzewski, why are you coaching like you're Mike Davis? Cut it out!

All eyes are on Michael Phelps to see if he can make it through the Olympic games without peeing on any homeless people. Oh, and also because he's going for 8 gold medals. I do not think he will accomplish this feat for the simple fact that it's too damn hard. (I don't want to get legal threats -for the third time- so don't even think about denying it, Phelps. I got witnesses!)

As I get older, the female gymnasts stay the same age, which means I can't find gymnastics sexy anymore. Well, I'm not supposed to anyway. Now I guess I'll have to appreciate these athletes for their unbelievable combination of grace and power. What a gip.

In other news...

-Unfortunately, since this is the Summer Olympics, I won't get the chance to hear the Canadian national anthem very much.

-I better not catch any commentators saying "an historic..." That shit drives me crazy! I know if you look it up it'll say that since both "a historic" and "an historic" are used, each are acceptable. But let us not forget that universal truth is not measured in mass appeal. (Thanks Mr. Coronel!) "Teacher, hand me an history book please." Does that sound right to you? That's because it's not! And it never was! And it never will be!

-Watch out for pollution!


All we want are the facts, ma'am. I mean, sir.

Before the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics posts begin, I wanted to inform everyone (And that means you, "anonymous" surfer!) that fellow writer Mr. Swanson, who last blogged about the hazards of blogs, is a bona fide journalist. I probably missed a story or two, but take some time and read the beginnings of the next Lara Logan. (Only if she was an equally attractive man.)

Memorial packs 60 games into 3 days

Fort Wayne's best tee off

Being Cubs fans runs in the family

Wednesday, August 06, 2008


Starbucks has been all over the business sections recently, so I figured for my second throwback piece, I'd feature a feature I wrote on the Chantico for the Snider Scroll, my high school newspaper. Not being a consumer of Starbucks, I never had the pleasure of enjoying a Chantico, but it still saddens me to know it apparently has not been served for some time.

The reason I'm a journalism major and the reason I continue to write has a lot to do with Pamela O'Reilly and her acceptance of me into her newspaper class having not taken the prerequisites. I will always be indebted to her for whatever success I may find in writing. I believe this was the second or third story I wrote for her (circa October/November 2004) and it brings back some fond memories.

(I forget what headline preceded this article.)

Starbucks is cool. They are so cool, that they alone decide what is and what is not cool. Don't believe it? Who else could make paying six dollars for a cup of coffee cool? Arthur Fonzarelli couldn't even pull that off.

So what's cool now? Fat. That's right, Starbucks has created a new product called the Chantico, named for the Aztec goddess of the hearth. Pronounced (shank-tee-ko), this chocolate drink is steamed with cocoa butter and whole milk and a six ounce cup has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, and 51 grams of the dreaded carbohydrates. It's like a candy bar without all of that chewing nonsense. Because chewing isn't cool.

Nutritionists advise against Chantico.

"This should be a very occasional treat--like maybe on your 100th birthday," Neal Barnard, the author of Breaking the Food Seduction, says.

Starbucks hopes that Chantico will bring in customers later in the day, a problem they continue to have.

Chantico will hit Starbucks' stores on January 8, 2005. The drink will proceed to make Starbucks 80 zillion dollars, thus allowing the company to finally take over the world.

Chantico is the newest of Starbucks imaginative/somewhat pretentious drink ideas. Drinks like the Komodo Dragon blend, for those who have never tasted a monitor lizard. Or try the Christmas blend, which combines Indonesian and Central American coffees with the secret ingredients of mistletoe and the souls of elves. Another delicious beverage to sample is the Ethiopia Yergacheffe, for something that tastes like it doesn't make sense.

If any of these treats sparked your interest in Starbucks, for the nearest location, look outside your window.

Chantico is not just a dessert; it is an attempt to further fatten up the American public. This is merely Stage One. Starbucks will introduce Chantico and the public will immediately be addicted. Starbucks will then design a treadmill. They will tell people the treadmill is cool and everyone will buy it. With the added profits, Starbucks will build a store on the sun so they can literally become the center of the universe.

Starbucks may be an evil conglomerate, but they must receive some credit. If Starbucks did not exist, office productivity all over America would plummet. Starbucks is responsible for waking up millions of people every day. Who would want to go outside knowing that the people driving to work did not get their morning caffeine rush? Teachers wouldn't be able to teach, police officers wouldn't be able to police, and soccer moms would become even more violent.

But it's not just enough to taste Starbucks; I need to hear them too. All the time. My wish was granted on August 3, 2004, as XM Satellite radio and Starbucks formed an unholy alliance.

"Hear Music, the Voice of Music at Starbucks, is dedicated to helping you discover your next favorite artist," the Axis of Evil said in its press release.

This partnership, at long last, puts an end to my once-ongoing problem. You see, I find it tedious listening to music, trying to decide what CDs to buy. I would much rather listen to and buy and do exactly what Starbucks tells me. They know what's cool.

Once a quaint little coffee shop at Pike Place Market in Seattle, Starbucks rose to uncharted levels. Uncharted because charts aren't cool. Starbucks says so.

(I even found one of the old sources I used for this story!)

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


Whilst I was giving my closet a much needed cleansing, (and no, that's not a metaphor) I found some old essays I had written; essays I thought were but a memory. After a feisty debate with myself, (Stop it! I'm speaking literally!) I decided to post these pieces as originally written. This pains me greatly being that I am the most critical of my work and some my old essays need an extraordinary amount of editing. Then again, I could pretty much do whatever the hell I wanted to them and you wouldn't have a clue. But I digress...

This first piece is dated October 14, 2003, and was written for the beautiful and brilliant Lori Heiges, one of my favorite high school teachers. Go Panthers! The assignment was a comparison/contrast essay. Enjoy.

The Greatest Man I Know

Americans have no class. They would rather guzzle Budweiser than sip on a fine chardonnay. They would rather devour greasy hamburgers than partake in an posh parfait. And Americans simply refuse to embrace a variety of fine sports such as polo, soccer, cricket, and sailing. Americans are ignorant, stubborn, inconsiderate, and close-minded. This is precisely why the American people have rejected the art of a unique talent such as Shaquille O'Neal.

There are many great actors who have won Academy Awards throughout the years. Cuba Gooding Jr. won for his role in the sports-related film Jerry Maguire. Dustin Hoffman has one for his role in the touching comedy Rain Man. And while not recognized by the Academy, Bruce Willis has other awards for his role as a superhero in the film Unbreakable. But where is Shaquille O'Neal on this list? He has been in the sports film Blue Chips, in the superhero film Steel, and starred in the most underrated comedy of all-time, Kazaam. Yet, for whatever reason, the American public and the film community have failed to recognize Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq, for his great thespian stylings.

Who could forget Shaq as Steel, the valiant superhero who will do whatever it takes to clean up the scum of the city? Who could forget Shaq in the grandest piece of cinematic brilliance, Kazaam? In Kazaam, Shaq plays a wise-cracking genie who gets the misfortune of having to grant the wishes of a smart-mouthed little white boy. This movie is full of fun adventures, great action sequences, and literally oozes hilarity. While Kazaam is probably the best movie ever made, it is more than great jokes and clever writing that make this movie so award-worthy. Yes, Kazaam stresses morals and life lessons that other comedies simply do not. Shaq and the little white boy show us that friends can be found in all shapes and sizes. Another main theme of the movie is that great bit of advice, "Be careful what you wish for." Yet, even with Steel and Kazaam, two flawless movies, under his belt, Shaq has been denied the coveted Oscar.

Cuba Gooding Jr. has been given an Oscar because of his ability to capture emotion. Shaq deals with so many emotions in Blue Chips that sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry! That's how good he is! Dustin Hoffman received his Oscar because of his ability to deliver a killer line at precisely the right moment. Shaq hasn't done this? In Kazaam, Shaq belts out the most memorable catchphrase since Arnold Jackson queried, "What chu talkin' bout, Willis?". When the little boy first rubs the genie's lamp, Shaq comes out in a roar of magic and bellows, "I...AM...KAZAAM!" Few, perhaps none, could deliver this line with the precision and impact that Shaquille O'Neal does. However, Shaq has never been recognized for his acting talent. In fact, he has been brutalized by the American public, being told to "stick to basketball."

It is a crying shame that a man with the thespian chops of Shaquille O'Neal has been told to stop acting. Shaq has more stage presence than any actor of the 20th century. The exactness of his delivery far surpasses Tom Hanks, but out of those two, who has the Oscar? Shaquille O'Neal's talents have gone unrecognized in America because the majority of moviegoers are too classless to see his shining cinematic mind. Americans would rather see Jack Black yell and strum on a guitar. They would rather see Will Ferrell running naked, shouting, "Come on, we're going streaking through the quads to the gymnasium!" And they would rather see Jar Jar Binks screeching, "Misa Jar Jar Binks!" It is appalling the way Shaq has been put aside to make way for the lunacy that we have recently been exposed to.

Shaquille O'Neal may never be recognized for his acting prowess. He is second to none when it comes to acting, but sadly, he was trounced into acting oblivion by the American people. Was it jealousy? No. Was it prejudice? No. It was just simple minds not comprehending the genius to which they were being exposed. We might never see another Shaquille O'Neal in our lifetime, and that is a lifetime not worth living.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Tropic of Cancer

Cause the only thing funnier than the Vietnam War is a man in blackface!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Monster of Montauk

What in the world is it? Vote now before we find out the truth!

- sea turtle minus the shell?
- some kind of dog?
- a very rare species of raccoon?
- byproduct of USDA animal experimentation?
- skinned pig of some sort?
- the next MonsterQuest episode?
- shaved U.S. Senior Open bear?
- gargoyle?
- giant aquatic rodent?
- the notorious Hampton's Chupacabra?
- John McCain supporter?
- leathery publicity stunt?
- CNN's Jeanne Moos?