« Home | Olympics Update *Special Edition* » | Olympics Update V » | Olympics Update IV » | Olympics Update III » | Too motherfuckin' soon » | Olympics Update II » | The Parker Brothers are blushing » | Olympics Update » | All we want are the facts, ma'am. I mean, sir. » | ThrowbacKomedy »

Olympics Update VI

I missed but a day and I feel so far behind. Bigfoot's in a fucking freezer!

Medal count time!
USA: 14 gold, 12 silver, 17 bronze
China: 22 gold, 8 silver, 6 bronze
Kyrgyzstan: 1 silver, 1 bronze
(Why not Kyrgyzstan? Nobody else is stepping up. I have faith in the Kyrgyzstanians.)
And fear not US loyals, when track and field starts we will stop picking up the chocolate wrapped in bronzed foil and start winning some real shiny shit.

#2:I just watched the women's individual all-around and I was riveted! Shawn Johnson pulled that floor routine out of her muscley midget behind and came up with a silver medal! That's the kind of determination and courage I like to see from athletes who just will not accept a bronze. And I have to congratulate Anastasia Liukin (beautiful name!) on winning the gold with some exceptional performances! Side note: I have considered being Anastasia for Halloween, and now if that were to happen (I'm not doing it by myself Shawn and Alicia!) I would have a lovely golden medallion to hang 'round my neck. Congratulations ladies!

Yeah, yeah. Michael Phelps won another gold. So did Rebecca Soni. So did Lochte (who also won a bronze in that Phelps race). Oh, and Peirsol won a silver and Coughlin won a bronze. I'm tired of swimming, can we see something different please?! Anything! How about American Matthew Emmons picking up the silver in men's 50m rifle prone. (Maybe that was on, I have no idea. I was out roller-coastering.) By the way, came up with a hilarious joke.

Q: Do you know why I couldn't reach my drink?
A: Because I put it on a roller coaster!

The Redeem Team creamed a warm load of ouzo on the face of Greece's national team. Chris Bosh as a leading scorer?! I must say, I am very disappointed to have missed this. It sounds like we played a tight, cohesive game. LBJ ripped it up as usual, not to mention Kobe Bryant. I'd also like to commend Dwyane Wade for yet another remarkable performance. So glad he's playing like his old self again. Next up are Los Pendejos EspaƱoles (hope I said that correctly), who may not receive such a polite welcome from the ever-gracious Chinese crowd. They love us and probably hate Spain. At least they should.

Did I forget to mention that Michael Phelps once peed on a homeless guy?

#6:I didn't stay up to watch all of the men's gymnastics, but I did see Yang "Moose Ears" Wei beast it up for awhile, and apparently nothing changed after I was in La La Land. He won the gold and some other guys finished second and third. Until some of these countries catch up, they don't get recognition. Suck on it, Japan!

Apparently, track and field has started! Huzzah! Watch out for Bryan Clay and watch out for the men's 100m race. It may be the best 100m race ever run.