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Olympics Update VII

Woop! Woop! Woop! That's not just the sound of the Michael Phelps siren, it's me being excited that swimming is over! (Please say it's over!)

Friday night, I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted Phelps to win his 7th gold medal in the 100m butterfly. On the one hand, I really wanted to see him beat the hell out of everyone and win gold for the US, but NBC's Phelps Fever is getting so annoying that it'd almost be nice for them to have to admit he's actually a human being, not a god. During the last 25m I shouted, "Get it, boy!" And he did! (Well, it was more of a mix between him getting it and Cavic losing it, but who cares?)

This turn of events leads me to believe that, in fact, I am responsible for Michael Phelps' success. I knew there was a reason I didn't particularly like him; he's stealing all my glory! I don't want to get too closely associated with him however, people may start to think I peed on that homeless man.

After winning his 8th gold, a feat I once thought impossible, I am ready to finally admit that swimming is boring and it had better be over. (Seriously though, incomprehensible what Phelps has done and he has earned his title as the greatest swimmer in history and one of the best Olympians of all-time. Not the best, but he's put himself in the conversation.)

In related news, NBC is changing its logo from the famed peacock to a silhouette of Michael Phelps. Andrea Kremer will proceed to *blank* it. (Put in whichever verb you please, just remember that she loves superstar athletes.)

One more swimming bit, Dara Torres comes out of Beijing all kinds of silvery. MILFs everywhere rejoice.

Enough about Phelps, let's take a gander at the medal count.
USA: 17 gold, 18 silver, 22 bronze
China: 27 gold, 13 silver, 9 bronze
Whilst we may lead overall, however, with more bronze medals than both gold and silver, China is really winning the medal race.

It took forever for me to see the men's 100m dash, due to NBC wanting to put the race in prime time. You had Michael Phelps! What more do you need?! Therefore, I accidentally discovered that Usain Bolt won the race more than 12 hours before I saw it. Actually, he didn't win the race, so much as he dominated the balls off it. He set the world record while decelerating for the last 15 meters! Unheard of! Truly a runner of epic proportion.

Broadcasting the entire women's marathon or broadcasting any more than five minutes of the men's 20km walk: which deserves to claim the title as biggest waste of airtime? Even though the marathon was over 2 hours long, I'm going with five minutes of speed walking. It's hilarious up until that point, but then it gets sad. Why don't they just take up running? They're so close! Another reason I dislike it, besides the obvious ridiculousness, is because apparently everyone cheats, but most don't get called for it because it's not visible to the naked eye. Kinda like steroids, but I don't see any congressional hearings on lifting!

The Redeem Team put its proverbial cock down the proverbial throat of Team EspaƱa in a 119-82 televised mouth-raping. The Gasols looked uglier than ever and Calderon proved his worthlessness. Elsewhere, China beat Germany to advance into the quarterfinals! "How'd this happen?" you ask? Well, anytime Chris Kaman is on your team you're bound to suck. Chris Kaman is a loser. Just an awful basketball player.

Federer won something! Holy cow! He should just take up doubles indefinitely. Unfortunately, James Blake lost which puts a damper on the Olympics for me. Know what else puts a damper on the Olympics for me? Airing Olympic tennis.

Show me something worth watching, NBC!