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Why I would make a better VP than Sarah Palin

"I swear! This big! It was only the most kickass Walleye ever!"

I expect "Sarah Palin" to be the number one thing googled, if not this entire week, than certainly the entire weekend. I, on the other hand, mostly thought about googling Bristol.


It doesn't matter much now, Senator McCain, but seeing how easy it is to get picked for your running mate, I would like to post-maturely throw my hat into the VP ring. Even though I disagree with you on mostly everything, and the thought of people referring to me as a Republican makes my blood boil, I'm willing to sacrifice my personal beliefs if it can make me famous. So, if you or one of your 11 staffers are reading this, Mr. McCain, here is a list of reasons why I am just as good a choice, if not better, for Vice President of the United States of America.

1) I, too, can be considered a political maverick. This will help your campaign as every day you lose a little bit more of the ability to title yourself in such a manner. I mentioned that I would never want anyone knowing I was on the Republican side of things, but I would also be disgusted if anyone called me a Democrat. I do not belong to any party, Senator McCain. Unless of course you reconsidered and picked me to be your running mate. Then I'd be a loyal Republi... Repub... I'm sorry, I just can't finish that sentence without vomiting. But you know what I mean.

2) I'm quite the wordsmith, Senator, which would help you combat the linguistical wizardry of a certain Barack Obama. He's smarter and more charming than both of us, there is no doubt about that, but certainly my poetic prowess would close the gap. How good am I? I can make this horrific scene (see below) seem manly.

Hmm... Let's see... In this picture, taken at Backyardigans Live, you are clearly demonstrating how a koala bear sleeps on the trunk of a Eucalyptus tree to a bunch of sick children whose mothers are all horny supermodels. President Bush, meanwhile, is trying to hug you, needing to be consoled as Tyrone heads backstage. When you realized what was going on, you punched him in the stomach and told him to stop acting like a queer. This later happening simply was not photographed. (You see! And that was just off the top of my head!) Keep in mind, I'm not a magician. You're on your own when it comes to explaining why you voted against MLK day for so many years.

3) I have essentially as much national and international political experience as Sarah Palin, no matter what Steve Doocy thinks. Not only is my hometown but a short drive away from Canada, but I've also vacationed there as a youngster. I can speak a little Spanish too. Although it has been awhile. I'd need to look up how to say "Yes, I once supported amnesty, but that was before I was a presidential contender. Now get the hell outta my country!"

4) I'm pretty sexy too. Check these pictures out. (I have one of each sex, just in case you are really intent on having a female VP.)

Side note: (Technically a middle note) If you prefer me as a woman, know that my body has only gotten sharper in the past 4 years. Plus, since I'm not really a woman, I won't secretly hate you for opposing an equal pay for equal work bill. Let's see Governor Palin do that!

5) I could attract way more Hillary voters than Sarah Palin ever could. And I don't need a vagina to do it! No one is buying this obvious pander, and frankly it worries many Americans that you would use your VP pick, a potential leader of the free world no less, as nothing more than a political ploy. Not exactly wise judgment. "But Alex, how can you bring in Hillary voters?" you ask? Great question, Senator McCain!

I can bring in Hillary voters by pretending that their complaints are justified. It's just that easy! They're tired of being called racists, they say it's a "lazy" excuse, but then claim Hillary was beaten down by a sexist media. I'd agree with them and say things like, "That makes a lot of sense!" I can lie with the best of 'em, Senator! (For the record, Mr. McCain, the media is both racist and sexist, but since we're both white men, we don't have to worry about any of that! Huzzah for white privilege!)

6) I'm not currently involved in any scandals and I know what a vice president does! (skip to 2:50 if you don't want to hear about her scandal)

7) Her best qualities that help you politically, from what I can gather, are her pro-gun and pro-life stances. Well, guess what, Senator. It's your lucky day!

I love guns! I love holding guns! I love shooting guns! They make you feel so powerful and masculine! It's a rush of testosterone that few activities can match! (Palin liking it so much sends up some red flags as far as I'm concerned.) But it don't stop there! I hate baby killing! Hate it! Birth begins at conception, because hell, what else is it gonna be?! A fucking crocodile?! I will support any pro-life Supreme Court justice you send up, no matter how ridiculous their other ideals are. Oh, but they also have to support gay marriage. If you can find a pro-lifer who is down with the gays, I'll support that nomination 100%. (Not too many of those, however. You might just want to consider me as a Supreme Court justice instead of a VP.)

Well, Johnny Mac, I hope you learned a lot about me. Even if you didn't, it's probably more than you, or anyone else for that matter, knows about Sarah Palin. Get back to me...

Hilarious post and pretty good blog. I am impressed with the precision.

I think John McCain picked Palin as his running mate for one purpose and one purpose only - disgruntled Clinton Voters.

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