Tuesday, September 30, 2008

HollyWON'T!

A team of Hollywood megastars has joined forces for a viral video urging citizens to (not) vote. It's so extraordinarily condescending that it honestly makes me want to not vote. Jonah Hill, however, delivers a line so funny you almost won't care that everyone else (sans Sarah Silverman) does their damnedest to make you feel like a fucking moron.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Best. Joke. Ever. Revisited.

Tonight, we write in Hell!

That's right, ladies and germs, post number 300! To honor this least historic of occasions, I have reposted the post of the best joke ever created. ("Reposted the post of the best joke." Say that 300 times fast!)

I'm trying not to get caught up in the moment, but I think I may have just created the greatest joke ever told. And that is really saying something since I have created so many excellent jokes over the past 3-4 years. Are you sitting down? Are you ready for it? Here it comes. Don't say I didn't warn you...


300 is okay, but I just saw a preview for an even cooler movie. It's an epic tale about an assortment of items including a wheelbarrow, a top hat, and a thimble (among others) who compete against each other to collect as much money and property as they can. Know what it's called?

400: The Battle of Ther"monopoly"


Did you ever imagine that one person could be this funny? Neither did I.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

We're saved! (Many times revisited)

Fuck this! I can't predict what's going to happen with the economy and my suspension hasn't helped at all! Did you see the fucking Dow, today? We're doomed! (So I'm gonna put up my post anyway. Suck it, Congress!)

Thanks to me suspending my blog, the 700 billion dollar bailout went through! And who said the deficit couldn't get any larger?! To celebrate, I am going to post a video I made, a video that I assumed had already been made by numerous persons on the Internets. As it turned out, only one other person had done this and his/her version was dreadful.



Also, with this being my 299th post, look out for a special 300th post!
You may recognize it...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Blog Lockdown

Good morning, America. I have an announcement to make and unfortunately it is not good news. This is... Oh man, this is tougher than I thought it was going to be. I don't know quite how to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it. I am officially suspending my blog in order to save the economy.

That's right! Don't try and talk me out of it! I poured over this decision for several minutes before finally reaching a conclusion. The skeptics will ask, "How will suspending your blog help save the economy?" Psh, skeptics... Suspending my blog will help the economy just as much as John McCain suspending his campaign will help the economy. (Now what do you have to say, skeptics?)

Shutting it down will not be easy, especially in the face of such juicy stories as...

1) Clay Aiken admitting he is gay. And here I thought he had come out years ago!
2) The US Army stationing an active unit inside the United States. It's not exactly what I'd call martial law, but it's a step in that direction. The conspirator in me believes the military is doing this because they know some shit is about to go down.
3) Lindsay Lohan being a temporary lesbian. If death comes in threes, what do celebrity outings come in?
4) Sarah Palin traveling to the UN Headquarters in New York to meet with the new contestants of Dancing with the Stars.
5) Chris Rock slamming President Clinton on The Late Show with David Letterman while promoting his new HBO special Kill the Messenger.
6) Hold on, did I mix up my stories in #4?
7) Kanye West's new song: Great song or the greatest song?

The fundamentals of our economy are there. Stay strong, America. God bless.

Lazy River '08!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Crapalcade of Craptoon Comedy

More? So soon? Ugh... Here we go.

This rejected clip comes from the Family Guy episode where Chris starts working at a pizza place. Whilst there, he befriends an Italian teenager named Giuseppe. Peter is happy Chris found a job, but thinks Giuseppe deserves more than just being "another Italian guy who is either a pizza delivery boy or a hitman for the mob." Peter then says, "You know what? This is so typical of America. Never giving Italians the credit they deserve."



And then! As if that wasn't enough comedy for you! Here comes a completely original, not-at-all-Groundskeeper-Willie-esque, skit. And it's got movie references in it too! Cause you'll listen to the angry Scotsman and say, "Hey! Yeah! I know exactly what part he's talking about!" Haha, it's just so fresh and inventive! I can't stand! I just can't stand it!

So Peter walks into the scene and says, "Blah blah blah, Shia LaBeouf." Then Quagmire says, "Shia LaBeouf? Blah blah blah, celebrity sex tape!" Cleveland replies, "Blah blah blah, the Ayatollah!" To which Peter retorts, "Blah blah blah, angry Scottish guy."

Lowering the bar

A timeless cliché tells us that we should never judge a book by its cover. Sound advice, yes, but as one grows older and wiser, one comes to understand that, in some circumstances, the cover is really all you need to see.

Take, for instance, my iTunes "Shared music" network. Somewhere out there, too near for comfort, is a person named Tom, whose music library is entitled "Tom's Chillaxful Music." I do not know this person, nor have I ever met this person, but let me explain to you what Tom's book cover tells me. Tom is an asshole.

Thank you very much.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy

Yes! It's here! Yet another comedy gem sent straight from the funny factory, located in Chucklesberg, Laughsylvania, which is a district of the United States of Hysterical!

This axed clip comes from the Family Guy episode where Chris and Meg each believe the other to be adopted and, as a hilarious consequence of this zany misunderstanding, start dating! Stewie walks in on them making out and says, "Oh my! I can't imagine a more awkward scenario than this."


Turdsneeze! Where do they find the inspiration?!

I have to blog this shit. I'm white!

-Josh Howard-
Has admitted to smoking marijuana during the NBA offseason.
Was once arrested for street racing; doing 94 in a 55.
Enjoys verbalizing anti-American sentiments among peers.
May or may not hold what some would call radical political views.

You can call him a traitor, a degenerate, or a bonehead if you want to. Personally, I kinda wanna be his friend.


(Howard's "controversial" statements begin at 1:42)

Monday, September 15, 2008

What's that?

So I'm sitting in S326, Spanish Linguistics, while the teacher is going over phones. If you don't know anything about linguistics, which I didn't until two weeks ago, phones are the arbitrary sounds we make that form words. "Mmm," for example, is the phone for the letter M. Anyway, the prof is using a computer speech program, a pretty damn good one too, as a teaching aid, when all of a sudden some lady, a teacher no less (you could tell by her age), comes in and says the following...

"Excuse me, but we can hear really loudly. Could you please turn that down?"

All I could think to say was, "Listen lady, it's not our fault that you can hear so loudly, okay? We're at a normal volume over here. I don't know what kind of super-sensitive ears you have, but maybe if you and your students can hear so loudly you should invest in some ear plugs. You know what? I bet our volume isn't bothering you at all, you just came in to brag about your excellent hearing abilities. The fact that I hear quietly doesn't make you a better person than me. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why don't you take your superhero ears and get the hell outta my classroom!"

"And stop abusing the English language!"

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Kavalcade of Kartoon Komedy

Ooh... I, uh... I think it was probably a better idea to use C's. My bad.

If you're wondering what happens to all of the cutaway jokes that the Family Guy writing staff rejects (yes, they actually do reject some of them), then maybe you'll love the perfectly sensible pairing of Burger King and Seth MacFarlane and the hot, new YouTube sensation known as the "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy."

While not funny in the least, we have be nice to these cartoon clips because they're really quite depressed after being trashed by the Family Guy writers. I mean, in the post "Cartoon Wars" era - "Cartoon Wars" being the South Park episodes that called out Family Guy's lazy writing style - the number of cutaway, or "manatee," jokes has skyrocketed in an obvious attempt to spite Matt Stone and Trey Parker. You'd think with this rise in cutaways that the Fox program could find a place for these hastily and poorly written pop culture references other than The Island of Misfit Manatees.

The first animation abortion was originally to appear in an episode where Peter and Brian accidentally become astronauts and are the first to discover life on Mars! Alien Regis and Kelly! Hahahaha! Upon their find, Peter says to Brian, "Gee Brian, this is worse than when your uncle was on the $25,000 pyramid."


My sides are splitting! Because I'm cutting them!

This next one is set up after Lois and the kids have gone to stay at her father's because Peter turned the house into a brothel. (Classic!) Lois says to her father, "Peter said we needed the extra money." To which her father replies, "That's a lamer excuse than Bob Marley's."


Haha, it's like they've never even heard the song! Hahahahaha!! And the Jamaican accent is spot on! MacFarlane delivers again!!

Stay tuned for more!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Hurricane Yogi


If this hilarious, hurricane-resistant bear doesn't make it on The Colbert Report, then I'll paint my face green for a week.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

LL Cool Jeans

I'm just... I'm just so confused...

Friday, September 05, 2008

According to John

Huzzah! The political conventions are over at last!

I watched a fair amount of Palin's acceptance speech, but didn't even bother with John McCain's. I was doing homework and the sound of his droning would have surely put me right out. I told a friend earlier in the day that I probably wouldn't be watching his speech regardless, due to the resurrection of my political cynicism, thanks in part to Sarah Palin being picked for vice president and the endless amount of coverage, both positive and negative, about her. My friend, let's call her Hannah, queried as to how I could consider myself politically knowledgeable if I didn't watch both Obama's and McCain's acceptance speeches. Seems like a good point at first, but I used the following analogy to explain and I hope that by placing it squarely into the bowels of the Internets, that someone, at some point in time, will benefit from it.

Republicans are to According to Jim as Democrats are to The King of Queens.

Obama wants to raise taxes + drill here, drill now + support our troops + vote for me = a better America
I didn't watch McCain's speech because I knew exactly what he was going to talk about and I disagree with nearly all of it. So why would I watch?

Comic misunderstanding + angry wife + zany antics = happy ending
I don't watch According to Jim because I know exactly what is going to happen and the show is painfully unfunny. (John took every bit of his father's funny genes.) So why would I watch?

Troops out of Iraq + comprehensive energy plan + health care + vote for me = a better America
I watched Obama's speech because I knew exactly what he was going to talk about, but I like what he has to say. So why wouldn't I watch?

Comic misunderstanding + angry wife + zany antics + funny = happy ending
I watch The King of Queens because I know exactly what is going to happen, but I'm entertained by it. So why wouldn't I watch?

Do you watch reruns of television shows you don't like, Hannah? The answer: No.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Palin acceptance speech

Lemme guess... Sexism, right? Or is it the liberal media that's out to get you? I look forward to getting angry during your speech.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Making friends the wrong way

The first day of a new class is always interesting. Looking around to see if any of your friends are there, making mental notes on who you'd like to sleep with, judging people who look like assholes. You know, the usual. What you don't often get on the first day of a new class is a glimpse of someone's real personality. Or 9/11 jokes. You hardly ever get 9/11 jokes on the first day. But guess who just rewrote that rule?

I didn't plan on making a September 11th joke, rarely do I ever go into a situation knowing I'm going to pull that rabbit out. It wasn't even that offensive of a joke, but perhaps making light of such a tragedy is never kosher. However, I abide by the George Carlin rule of comedy which says, "You can joke about anything, it all depends on how you construct the joke." So before you condemn my actions, please read the joke. (Cause it actually was pretty funny.)

Girl: (I'm paraphrasing) Well, I guess one interesting fact about me is that I was born on September 11th.

Me: Do you ever forget your own birthday?

Class: (One kid laughed. Most people were confused. And maybe some were offended, it was hard to gauge because I was looking at the girl.)

Me: (after looking around the room to discover less laughter than I thought there should be for such a well-placed line) What? Are we not laughing about that yet?

Class: (Kid laughed more. More confusion. Possibly more offense. Again, couldn't really tell.)

You see? Not as bad as you thought, was it?

(By the way, is that not the most unsafe school bus you've ever seen in your life?)

Mayoral duties

In my continuous efforts to figure out how exactly Sarah Palin is qualified to run anything other than an Applebee's, or perhaps a small chain of photo huts, I came across this article on The Huffington Post entitled, "The Worst Vice-Presidential Nominee in U.S. History."

Despite its title, Robert Elisberg gave Palin credit for many things, far more credit than perhaps you might think for a writer who appears regularly in The Huffington Post. My favorite part of the piece is this, which details the "first two 'powers and duties' for the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska," the town Palin was the mayor of before she became the Alaskan governor less than two years ago.

1. Preside at council meetings. The mayor may take part in the discussion of matters before the council, but may not vote, except that the mayor may vote in the case of a tie

2. Act as ceremonial head of the city

To be fair, that's a decent description of the vice presidency. But when your presidential running mate is a 72-year-old cancer survivor, the rules change. I'll end with a quote from the article summarizing one of the reasons (but not the best reason according to Elisberg) that Palin is a lousy VP pick.

"If you live in small town America (and I mean really, really small), look around you and be honest - do you see your mayor...as a heartbeat from the presidency in 18 months?"

Monday, September 01, 2008

Preggers!

Turns out that the 17-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin, Bristol, is pregnant. Congratulations, Universe, now I feel like an ass. I don't care much myself, but I wonder how this news will play with hardcore conservatives. I think at this point they are all so anti-Obama that it won't really matter. What's even more fun, however, is the conspiracy theories that are coming along with the baby.

#1: The McCain campaign is forcing her into a marriage she does not want to appease conservatives who think a child born out of wedlock is doomed to eternal hellfire. I'm taking credit for this one, simply because I haven't read it anywhere else. But clearly I can't be the first person who thought of this seeing as how I just learned she was pregnant. (Thanks, Andrew!)

#2: This next one is a little trickier. And not willing to risk my journalistic integrity, I'll let the Post Chronicle explain. They may see the claim as a cheap, smear tactic, with roots based in the liberal blogosphere, but they're not above printing it! I wonder if the Palin family is going to create a website to fight the smears a la Obama.

ThrowbacKomedy

Until the RNC (and school) starts, I'm pretty much out of material. But fear not, because I have nearly endless reserves of mediocre comedy!

This 2005 piece is somewhat relevant as I begin my senior year, although senior year of college and senior year of high school are two completely different beasts. As always, I'll do my best to keep the piece as published, but I can't promise that I won't reread something so dreadful it has to be changed.


Commencement, with all of its pomp and circumstance, is a wonderful event. It is the culmination of four exciting and life-changing years. High school is over and life can finally begin. Every senior looks forward to graduation, it is the eight weeks prior that you have to watch out for.

Senioritis is a national epidemic that affects high school seniors of every race, color, creed and is diagnosed as a rapid onset of severe indifference and occurs immediately after spring break is over. In some cases even earlier. Symptoms include grade slippage, increased use of sweatpants and sweatshirts, laziness, habitual tardiness, and a rise of "sickness-related" absences.

Senioritis results from a planned future. At the end of spring break, a majority of high school seniors have already decided what college they are going to. Those who do not plan on attending college typically have a steady job they can continue.

Every year there are seniors who manage to avoid this crippling disease. While rare, some extraordinary students can remain focused even when everyone else around them is having the time of their lives. These courageous bookworms refuse to give up their responsibilities and may possibly look for more.

My journalistic integrity will simply not allow me to slack off and...um...not write good. While the school year winds down, I will simply not...wait, I said that. I...uh...can rise above the, you know, hard stuff and write like it was...I dunno...any other time.