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ThrowbacKomedy

Until the RNC (and school) starts, I'm pretty much out of material. But fear not, because I have nearly endless reserves of mediocre comedy!

This 2005 piece is somewhat relevant as I begin my senior year, although senior year of college and senior year of high school are two completely different beasts. As always, I'll do my best to keep the piece as published, but I can't promise that I won't reread something so dreadful it has to be changed.


Commencement, with all of its pomp and circumstance, is a wonderful event. It is the culmination of four exciting and life-changing years. High school is over and life can finally begin. Every senior looks forward to graduation, it is the eight weeks prior that you have to watch out for.

Senioritis is a national epidemic that affects high school seniors of every race, color, creed and is diagnosed as a rapid onset of severe indifference and occurs immediately after spring break is over. In some cases even earlier. Symptoms include grade slippage, increased use of sweatpants and sweatshirts, laziness, habitual tardiness, and a rise of "sickness-related" absences.

Senioritis results from a planned future. At the end of spring break, a majority of high school seniors have already decided what college they are going to. Those who do not plan on attending college typically have a steady job they can continue.

Every year there are seniors who manage to avoid this crippling disease. While rare, some extraordinary students can remain focused even when everyone else around them is having the time of their lives. These courageous bookworms refuse to give up their responsibilities and may possibly look for more.

My journalistic integrity will simply not allow me to slack off and...um...not write good. While the school year winds down, I will simply not...wait, I said that. I...uh...can rise above the, you know, hard stuff and write like it was...I dunno...any other time.