Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Rain effect

All week I've heard talk of the "Bradley effect" affecting Barack Obama's campaign. The Bradley effect, to those unaware, is the belief that when asked, white voters will say they're voting for a non-white candidate, but in reality will vote against him/her. However, last Tuesday, Barack Obama held a rally in Chester, Pennsylvania with approximately 9,000 supporters "despite freezing rain and driving winds."

Let me tell you something, white people hate rain a thousand times more than black people. Are you kidding me? It's not even close! Soppy sweaters? Sodden shoes? Soaked socks? Soused shirts? If white people showed up in the rain to see Obama, they're damn sure going to vote for him.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

Only six days remain until Barack Obama is elected as the next President of the United States of America. I am very excited. I have no doubts that America as a whole will improve, but let's be realistic and understand that an Obama victory is not a victory for everyone. Therefore, in these final days of an election season that has seemed never-ending, I will be profiling the various winners and losers of the eventual Obama nomination.

Tonight, let's look at a group who benefits greatly from the swearing in of President Barack Obama. Racists!

Believe it or not, this is the best picture I could find of a scared white lady. Google Images is slipping. But I digress...

Racists may seem like a strange category of people that profits from an Obama presidency, but let's face it, racists are a strange category of people. Numerous, yes. But so very strange. "Human beings" living in a modern world with such antiquated thought processes? I don't get it.

Granted, having a black president isn't exactly ideal for racists, they may even get upset when Obama takes his oath of office. After the initial sting, however, racists will realize that they're better off because, for them, racism will officially be over. Racists will be free to say whatever they wish, which is a scary thing for the rest of us because it appears that they already do so. And if you're brave enough to attempt an explanation on how something they said is racist, you'll hear the following.

"Listen here, son, tain't no racgism no more on account a that Mooslim feller bein' that Resident of the U.S. in A. (Digs in ear) Least he ain't no damned Romanian..."

Filthy Romanians aside, there is no comeback for that absurdly poorly structured statement. At least no comeback that will make sense to anyone stupid enough to believe that simply because a black man is president that past, present, and future injustices are null and void.

So congratulations, racists! (And yes, that includes all you closet racists who are so delusional as to think that merely not using the N word in front of black people makes you a hero.) For the first time ever, I am declaring racists winners!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

His real name is Paul Hewson?

Bono - Saving the world two 6's at a time.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Terrorism check

That's the face of Timothy McVeigh, also known as the Oklahoma City Bomber. He's a terrorist. What's that you say, "A white terrorist?! Absurdity!" Nay, good friend! Contrary to what you may hear and see in the media, not all terrorists are brown Middle Eastern Muslims. The policemen that killed Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell? Terrorists! They used fear, terror, and violence to achieve a goal. That makes them terrorists! (I know I've said that before, but it's a point that bears repeating.)

Elsewhere, angry Republicans, regular Republicans, and ironic Democrats/Independents keep referring to Barack Obama as a terrorist. This is because he has brown skin, once did charity work with a former domestic terrorist, and has imaginary ties to the Islamic faith. But why isn't anybody calling John McCain a terrorist? Just because he's an old white guy? Um, I believe I just proved that terrorists can come from all walks of life. So without further ado, let me be the first (maybe I'm the first, I don't really know) to make the case that John McCain is a terrorist. Because he is.

1) John McCain supports the War in Iraq. A war that in five years has killed roughly 90,000 innocent Iraqi civilians. John McCain wants to continue killing the innocent. That makes him a terrorist.

2) McCain has used divisive rhetoric and fear mongering to incite hate speech at his rallies. He semi-criticized an old lady who called Obama an Arab, but said nothing about the shouts of "Kill him" and "Off with his head" in reference to Obama. McCain wants hatred, fear, distrust, and ignorance to wash over this nation so he can secure a position of power. That's terrorism.

3) Palin has said she likes spending time in "pro-America" parts of the country. Therefore, she dislikes other parts of America. Guess who else dislikes America? Terrorists. Who has John McCain been palling around with in the last seven weeks? Well, it appears he's been palling around with a terrorist.

4) McCain has and continues to pollute the airwaves with inflammatory messages, calling to action those who follow him. Hmm, I can't remember. Who else does this? Oh, that's right, Osama Bin Laden!

5) Hey, remember that really, really embarrassing picture of McCain hugging George W. Bush? It's so pathetic that I can't help but post it again.

Haha, oh man... Anyway, this is proof that John McCain loves terrorists enough to hug them.

6) G. Gordon Liddy. Enough said.

7) After Hurricane Katrina ripped through the city of New Orleans, leaving thousands homeless, stranded, drowning, starving, and suffering, John McCain ate cake. Only a terrorist could be so cold. (Look who he's eating cake with!)

Satisfied? Seven true examples, not hearsay or myths, proving John McCain is a terrorist. And I didn't even do any research! That was off the top of my head! Who knows what I could have come up with...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Political roasting

Haha, what the hell is this?! Why can't this be politics all the time? God bless Alfred Smith and his legacies. The first two parts are Obama. (Hilarious!) McCain's got the next two videos. (His videos go last because he's going to lose. Still funny though.)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Early voting Baracks!

Early voting? Kinda shady if you ask me. But if my vote does end up counting, then it will be a vote for Senator Barack Obama. Note that it's a vote for Obama and not against McCain. Although I am opposed to nearly all of McCain's policies, voting against something, as Dick Gregory once said, is "ungodly" when we have so much to vote for. So why did I vote for Mr. Obama? Lots of reasons. Here's a partial list, focusing on some of the lesser-known issues.

He favors the expansion of drug courts instead of throwing people into prison. My views on drugs and drug policy are too radical to ever be realized, but this is a really good idea. Focus on violent crimes, not petty drug offenses.

Obama's other civil rights policies. It's nice to see that he even has "Civil Rights" listed as an issue. Obama's bid for the presidency has apparently convinced John McCain that racism is over.

I don't care what his middle name is. How could I? My middle name is Pedophiliasawesome.

He looks good in a bathing suit. A very underrated presidential quality.

Obama's energy policies mean jobs, jobs, and more jobs. The plan is pretty expensive and we won't see results right away, but it's an excellent long-term solution to dozens of problems.

He's black! (But I'm not a racist, some of my best friends are white.)

He's not afraid of spiders. Are you kidding me?! I'd have freaked out!

No Child Left Behind sucks. Please, God, won't somebody change it. You don't teach to a test; that's not education. Education is a glorious, wonderful thing that I truly love and appreciate. Children not only deserve a great education, they deserve to be excited about receiving it. I think Obama's plan is more supportive of both teachers and schools. It's also more of an investment, but it's a damn fine investment.

And last, but certainly not least...

All my friends are voting for him!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Rape Day!

Hope everybody's having a Merry Enslavement and Extermination of a Native People's Day! A Jolly Ethnocentric Slaughter and Pillage of an Entire Culture's Day to you all!

"Hey, there's people on that island! I just discovered new land!"

Really? Is that all there is to it? Then, hark! I have just discovered Indiana University! Maybe I should murder all the men, rape all the women, and enslave all the children so I can have a national holiday named in my honor! Furniture stores nationwide will commemorate my atrocities by offering 20-30% off on all full size couches! (But only 'til Wednesday, so go now!)

(Haha, I was shocked to find out I hadn't done this post before. Who'd have guessed?!)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What then?

I'm tired of McCain's face. Here's an attractive human being.

Now, denouncing an entire political party just isn't my style. Both of them, together? Sure. Maybe even one right after the other, but not just one. I don't like to deal in generalizations, so I'll try to put a percentage on my anger. I'm upset with 9497% of the Republican party. (I'm not so good with numbers, that's more of a ballpark figure. And I kind of stole that joke from Dave Chappelle. Sorry, Dave.)

Upset isn't even the right word, really. Disappointed. Pissed off. Crazy, fist-poundingly disturbed as an intellectual human being. Uhh...really fucking pissed off. Those are probably closer. The reason I'm so angry, other than the fact that John McCain and Sarah Palin have been doing their best to get Barack Obama harmed - or worse - is because even in the midst of almost complete backlash by Democrats, semi-intelligent citizens, and 36% of Republicans, the best thing McCain can say about Obama is that "he is a decent person." A decent person?! That's not a compliment! Such a flattering outpour of emotionalism reminds me of a time when white people used to think - and some still do - that "you're a credit to your race" was a compliment.

And Palin? I have yet to hear her say something quasi-positive about Obama. Then again, I have yet to hear her say something intelligent about anything. She couldn't answer the question, "What magazines and/or newspapers do you like to read?" Are you fucking kidding me?! This person is running for Vice President of the United States of America?! Sorry, I think it just hit me that such a dullard could be the next leader of the free world. Even Bush ran a baseball team, that's way harder than running the state of Alaska.

And that's just two people out of the roughly 95% of Republicans I'm furious with. The reason everyone else gets lumped in is because I have not heard nearly any Republicans, prominent or not, say what a great man Barack Obama is. Giuliani laughed at his community service record. Hannity implied he was a racist and an anti-Semite. There are 329 Facebook groups with a combination of the words "Obama" and "terrorist." Meanwhile, McCain's glowing praise consists of calling Obama decent, a non-Arab, and stating Americans do not have to be fearful of him.

But, and God forbid this were to happen, what if tragedy fell on Senator Obama? Now, I'm in no frame of mind to think about his death - every time I find myself praying lately it's asking God to keep him safe - so let's just say a couple days before the election he gets attacked and ends up in a hospital somewhere in critical condition. What will the Republicans say then? I'll tell you exactly what they'll say.

McCain, Hannity, Giuliani, and damn near all of them will seize the first available mic and express their deepest sympathies for such a great American and his family. They'll call him a patriot. They'll call him a leader. They may even call him a hero. They'll say how Barack Obama epitomizes the American Dream and gives hope to children everywhere. How he is rewriting history books and how his courage makes them find strength in themselves. They'll speak of his brilliance, his humor, his trustworthiness, his compassion, his charity, his kindness, his faith, his love for his family and country. But they'll only say it when he's lying on a gurney with a bullet in his back.

I don't expect McCain or any of his supporters to say all of this about Senator Obama whilst he's campaigning - they don't want to lose the damn thing after all - but it'd be nice to see Obama get more credit than a "decent person." God knows he deserves it.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Inside the belly of the beast

During the early morning hours of Thursday, October 9, 2008, I was granted exclusive access to the McCain campaign's daily briefing. And the good news doesn't stop there. I took notes!

John McCain
: Alright team, the attacks on Obama aren't working. We need to rethink our strategy.

Phil Gramm
: You mean we should start talking policy differences? How we'd fix the economy? How we'd defend this great nation?

: Wha-?! No! Are you fucking retarded, Phil? We need more attacks! Better ones! Lemme run down our list here... Elitist? Check. Secret Muslim? Check. Former pastor is a big, scary black man? Check.

Sarah Palin
: Ooh! Don't forget about how I told everybody his best pal is a domestic terrorist.

: Right! That's damn fine politics, Sarah. Damn fine. But I'm afraid we might need something else.

Rick Davis
: Hey, you know what we could do? We could ask Rove for help again.

: Davis, you lunatic! If word gets out we consulted with Rove it'll make us look ridiculous! Now, what about if we started calling Obama "that welfare baby."

Davis: Umm, I'm not sure-

McCain: Can it, Davis! We'll get Hannity to start saying it. After shit hits the fan, we'll come out saying that every American is entitled to their opinion, but, and this is important, we will not denounce him. Got it?

Gramm: Look, Senator, with all due respect-

McCain: Whoa, whoa. What did you just say, Phil? What the fuck did you just call me?!

Gramm: Forgive me. President McCain-

McCain: And don't you ever forget it! Go on.

Gramm: Well, I was just going to say that referring to Obama as a "welfare baby" could backfire. I mean, we're in deep shit as it is, and this negative campaigning-

Frank Keating: I know! I could call Obama a hooker!

Gramm: What?! That doesn't even-

Palin: Gee whiz, Frank! What a super idea!

McCain: Impressive, Frank. That's even a better idea than when we decided to plant microphones next to the angriest, most hostile bigots in our crowds so we could have Obama called treasonous and a terrorist without having to directly say it ourselves.

Palin: Or when we convinced Comedy Central to start airin' Chocolate News! The promos alone will remind everyone how much they dislike black people!

McCain: Great point, Sarah. Frank-

Keating: Yes, President McCain?

McCain: Well, is there any way you could call Obama a hooker, but at the same time make it sound racist? We need to keep race the forefront subliminal issue here.

Davis: Okay, I have to step in here. I think Gramm is ri-

McCain: I mean really make it sound bad. But not bad enough to get us crucified. Make it sound racist, yet real dumb.

Keating: How about, "a guy of the streets?"

McCain: "Guy of the streets..." I love it! It's perfect! Throw in something about how he used cocaine too. Because whenever I think of hookers, I always think of blow.

Is this a group of undecided voters or an oil painting? Hi-oh!

"Senator Obama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting."

This was McCain's third sentence and failed joke number one of Tuesday's town hall debate. Unfortunately for us all, McCain had a lot more sentences and it seemed like even more failed attempts at humor.

The reason it's a joke, if you don't already know, is because early in the presidential campaign John McCain proposed to Obama that the two do 10 town hall debates. Obama, being so unreasonably reasonable, declined. Could you even imagine if he had accepted?! Ten town hall debates? Ten times the stump speeches? Ten times the McCain wandering around like a lost child?

I must admit, the challenge from McCain, made back in June if I'm not mistaken, was an excellent political move. Knowing full well Obama would reject such a ridiculous idea of 10 presidential debates, McCain could now say things like, "He's afraid to face the American people." or "He's afraid to debate me." I doubt anybody who's not a hardcore Republican believes that, but to put it in it's rightful place of lunacy, think about if you challenged a friend to 10 hot dog eating contests. "Ten? Why not one? Or two at the most? What would we learn from 10 hot dog eating contests that we couldn't learn from two?" your fearful friend would say. You simply reply, "What are you? A chicken?!" And you've won.

But back to the lame attempts at comedy. (No, not mine! McCain's!) I've seen McCain be unfunny before, plenty of times actually, but I never realized until Tuesday how similar McCain and I are. Both of us love our own jokes more than anyone else! I won't be so cruel as to suggest going back and watching the debate, but there is one more left. Watch McCain crack up at every miserable, mistimed joke he makes. They're not funny, but you'll still be laughing!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Suck it, Michelangelo!

I would have said "Suck it" to a famous political cartoonist, but I don't know any.
I can't draw.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Party at the Gap!

It looks like... Yes, the verdict is in! The Juice has finally gotten squeezed!

And it appears that white people are happy once again! The void has been filled!