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Inside the belly of the beast

During the early morning hours of Thursday, October 9, 2008, I was granted exclusive access to the McCain campaign's daily briefing. And the good news doesn't stop there. I took notes!

John McCain
: Alright team, the attacks on Obama aren't working. We need to rethink our strategy.

Phil Gramm
: You mean we should start talking policy differences? How we'd fix the economy? How we'd defend this great nation?

: Wha-?! No! Are you fucking retarded, Phil? We need more attacks! Better ones! Lemme run down our list here... Elitist? Check. Secret Muslim? Check. Former pastor is a big, scary black man? Check.

Sarah Palin
: Ooh! Don't forget about how I told everybody his best pal is a domestic terrorist.

: Right! That's damn fine politics, Sarah. Damn fine. But I'm afraid we might need something else.

Rick Davis
: Hey, you know what we could do? We could ask Rove for help again.

: Davis, you lunatic! If word gets out we consulted with Rove it'll make us look ridiculous! Now, what about if we started calling Obama "that welfare baby."

Davis: Umm, I'm not sure-

McCain: Can it, Davis! We'll get Hannity to start saying it. After shit hits the fan, we'll come out saying that every American is entitled to their opinion, but, and this is important, we will not denounce him. Got it?

Gramm: Look, Senator, with all due respect-

McCain: Whoa, whoa. What did you just say, Phil? What the fuck did you just call me?!

Gramm: Forgive me. President McCain-

McCain: And don't you ever forget it! Go on.

Gramm: Well, I was just going to say that referring to Obama as a "welfare baby" could backfire. I mean, we're in deep shit as it is, and this negative campaigning-

Frank Keating: I know! I could call Obama a hooker!

Gramm: What?! That doesn't even-

Palin: Gee whiz, Frank! What a super idea!

McCain: Impressive, Frank. That's even a better idea than when we decided to plant microphones next to the angriest, most hostile bigots in our crowds so we could have Obama called treasonous and a terrorist without having to directly say it ourselves.

Palin: Or when we convinced Comedy Central to start airin' Chocolate News! The promos alone will remind everyone how much they dislike black people!

McCain: Great point, Sarah. Frank-

Keating: Yes, President McCain?

McCain: Well, is there any way you could call Obama a hooker, but at the same time make it sound racist? We need to keep race the forefront subliminal issue here.

Davis: Okay, I have to step in here. I think Gramm is ri-

McCain: I mean really make it sound bad. But not bad enough to get us crucified. Make it sound racist, yet real dumb.

Keating: How about, "a guy of the streets?"

McCain: "Guy of the streets..." I love it! It's perfect! Throw in something about how he used cocaine too. Because whenever I think of hookers, I always think of blow.

Would I wrong if I told you that I actually think John McCain feels this vendatta kind of way about Barack Obama?

i'd agree with you. the mobs he's inciting are proof and i find myself wondering if he's trying to get Obama hurt or worse. satirizing the situation just helps me cope with it.

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