Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Jesse Jackson/David Duke Memorial Blog Post

Wha... What happened? Where am I?

The last thing I remember? Well, Barack Obama had just won the election, gave his speech in Grant Park, and then I - well, I guess I just blacked out. I woke up 10 minutes ago. Wha- What day is it? The 12th?! Oh shit, school... Man, I'm so screwed. What's this? I already wrote about Obama's victory? Good grief was I drunk. I gotta get a newspaper, I need to catch up.


Ugh, the IDS? That's all that's left? Are you kidding me, I have to read this garbage? Ah, fuck it.


Oh good, they finally renamed IU's HPER fieldhouse. Wait, no they didn't. The William L. Garrett/Ora L. Wildermuth Fieldhouse? Slash?! What in the blue fuck did the IU administration do now? Let me see here... "The committee did not want to remove Wildermuth's name because they thought it was unfair to take what Wildermuth said decades ago and bring it into today's light." Seriously? The guy fought and pleaded with IU's president to keep the school segregated. He once wrote that "so few [black people] succeed and the average intellect, economic status, and industry of the race is so far below the white average that it seems futile to build up hope for a great future." But they didn't want to take that into consideration?

I guess by that logic, if I lived on Hitler Boulevard it would be unthinkable to change the street's name because it doesn't matter how lame somebody was in the past, we should only worry about the now. How'd that trustee meeting full of old white guys go?

Old white guy #1: Let's see, Wildermuth was a racist, so that's +1 racism.

Old white guy #2: Well, William Garrett was the first black basketball player in the Big 10, so that'd be -1 racism.

Old white guy #3: Hmm, let me write this down. +1 racism. -1 racism. Gentleman, that equals zero racism! We did it!

Special thanks to my buddy Garrett Lawton!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

President-elect Obama

Tonight was an extraordinary experience that I will remember for the rest of my life. I was witness to one of the most historic events that has, or will ever happen to the United States of America, perhaps even the world. I will look fondly upon this moment as I tell my grandchildren about Barack Obama and the vile history of early (and modern) America that preceded his election.

I am so proud right now to be an American and it feels weird. Good, but weird. I can't really think of another word to describe it. As I watched him speak, I was overwhelmed. I think I prayed about three times, asking God to keep him safe because we need him so much. I'm most happy for my nephews, nieces, little cousins, and children everywhere who will grow up (hopefully) having an entirely different view of the world. A view I can't even imagine due to my inescapable cynicism. Barack Obama has a lot of work to do if he's to change the world, but after all he's been through, I'm not going to bet against him. Who in their right mind would?

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

Huzzah! It's technically Election Day - although the polls have yet to open - and it looks like a clear Obama victory. What is this stereotypical college kid doing during the most important election of his life? That's right, I'm trying to think up drinking rules for election night coverage.

One drink for an Obama state victory (preceded by a "Cheers!") and two drinks for a McCain state victory (preceded by an "Ah, shit!"). I want to do something special for swing states, maybe taking turns passing out drinks each time a new "swing state" gets called for either candidate. Double the drinks if McCain wins, of course. Drink every time the word "upset" is used. That could be fun. I don't know, that's really all I've got so far.

I'm excited for the festivities, but comedians are not excited at all. Because comedians lose if Obama gets elected president, especially mediocre black comedians.

All comics lose if Obama becomes the president because nothing nowadays can turn a crowd from silence to applause like anti-Bush jokes. Anti-Cheney jokes, too. People really hate that guy. A solution to this problem is to write some pro-Obama jokes for whenever you, the comedian, get less laughter than you thought you would. I suspect many comedians will resort to this tactic.

Hit hardest are the mediocre black comedians. Why is that? Well, whenever a mediocre black comedian was in trouble on stage, he could always go to the "first black president" jokes. You know, rims on the limousine, using hip hop lingo during the press conference, bankrupting the country with his bad credit, all that stuff. That was a staple of the mediocre black comic's routine. However, in this overwhelmingly pro-Obama climate, an audience now will just look at the comic thinking, "That's ridiculous! Obama is nothing like that. In fact, that's a crude stereotype you’re invoking on a great leader and patriot."

I feel bad because the "first black president" routine was high on the mediocre black comic's "trouble list." I mean, it's practically a guaranteed laugh! I believe the routine is just below the "black people do this, white people do that" bit. Which I love, I have to say, because white people do do "that" all the time.

So I'm sorry comedians, mediocre black comedians in particular, but you're going to have to find some new material. Obama getting sworn in will signal the end of a golden age of political comedy. I hear dick jokes are still in, you could try some of those. Also, curse words. People love to hear comedians talk dirty. Ball sac.