Saturday, December 13, 2008

Flicker of Foolishness

In Comedy Central's tradition of promoting racial stereotypes by keeping ignorant fools on television as much as possible, Jeff Dunham is getting yet another comedy special. I was one of a lucky, very select, very angry group of people who caught a sneak peek and I'd like to share it with you. Savor this post, finals and vacation will be keeping me occupied for awhile.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for a ventriloquist with aaaaaaverage ability, Jeeeeeeeeff Dunham!

(audience hurts hands clapping so loudly, show is delayed 15 minutes for first aid)

Jeff Dunham: Thank you, everyone. Thank you very much. My first guest comes to us all the way from Mexico! Don't tell Lou Dobbs he's here, or I'll have to create another hackneyed stereotype! Give it up for José Jalapeño on a Stick!

(audience, with regained use of hands, claps loudly once more)

José Jalapeño: Oh, gracias, Heff. I so appy to bee eere.

JD: How are you, José? Feeling well?

JJ: Oh no, señor. I tink I ate too many churros.

JD: Oh, I see. Stomach a little too full?

JJ: No, señor, my steeck a little too full.

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 2.5 on the Richter scale)

JD: You gotta take better care of yourself, José. Maybe try working out some more.

JJ: Sí, señor Heff. I try running de utter day, but I just heet de wall.

JD: Oh, really? Run a little too far and your body just shut down, huh?

JJ: No, Heff, I ran into de border fence. I din't tink you guys put dat up yet.

(audience laughs so hard it collectively loses 6,000 pounds)

JD: So does that mean you're here illegally, José?

JJ: No, señor, I eere a legally.

(audience can't hold in laughter, starts to snicker waiting for the payoff)

JD: Wait, legally or illegally?

JJ: Can you no eere me, Heff? I eere a legally.

JD: So illegally.

JJ: No, a legally. (Jeff throws up his hand and rolls his eyes.)

(audience can't take it anymore, bursts out laughing; one guy laughs so hard he pukes)

JD: Let me ask another way, are you a legal citizen?

JJ: Sí, I am.

JD: Okay, good. So you're a legal citizen of America.

JJ: Oh, no. I legal citizen of M
éxico. I in US illegally.

(audience doesn't hear joke, too busy laughing from last one)

JD: You probably shouldn't say that out loud,

JJ: Lo siento, Heff. I hurt you ears? I talk more quieter.

JD: No, I mean you might get deported. You won't get to stay in America.

JJ: Don't wurry, Heff. If problem come, I go leeve wit my cuzin in California. He wurk in Taco Bell.

JD: Uh, he's a jalapeño too, right? Are you sure he, uh, works there?

JJ: Oh, sí. They say he "sauce special." I always knew he so special.

(audience, fresh from its trip to a local drugstore for lozenges, laughs hysterically)

JD: Um, I think he's in trouble, José.

JJ: No, he's on a steeck.

(audience shakes arena with laughter, whistling, and applause; startles a woman outside)

JD: Thanks, José. Hope everything turns out well for you and your cousin. Let's bring out my next guest, an old, angry, white guy! It's Walter!

(half of audience creams its pants, the other half shows restraint by thinking of 9/11 tragedy)

Walter: Eh, what do you want, hack?

JD: Hack? Haven't you seen how popular I am on the Internet and on Comedy Central?

W: What's the Internet?

JD: You know, the world wide web? Computers?

W: That's not a gay thing is it?

(audience laughs uproariously, except for one guy named Dave who is texting his friend "I'M AT THE JEFF DUNHAM SHOW!"; his friend now hates him and decides to fuck Dave's wife, Karen; Karen also hates Dave)

JD: So, Walter, did you keep an eye on the election this year? What'd you think?

W: Well, I was disappointed when McCain didn't win.

JD: Oh, you really liked his policies, huh?

W: Hell no! I'm disappointed cause he's an old coot like me!

JD: Oh, I see. So you don't have an opinion on something like, clean coal for example?

W: Clean coal?! I don't care about clean coal! At my age I'm more worried about a clean colon!

(amidst the laughter and applause, Jeff Dunham is presented the Lifetime Achievement Award)

W: Yeah, us old guys gotta stick together.

JD: So I take it you don't care much for a young guy like Barack Obama then?

W: Oh, he's not so bad. Everybody thinks an old timer like me can't take to Obama because he's black, but I got no problem with the blacks.

JD: Is that right?

W: Yes, that's right! Why, when I want my luggage carried or my shoes shined, I always go to the black guy first!

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 3.8 on the Richter scale)

JD: Come on, Walter. You can't say that!

W: What?! They're good at it!

(audience agrees with light clapping and polite nods)

: Times have changed, it's a different world out there.

W: Oh, you're right about that. I went to buy a newspaper yesterday and the vendor asked me what it was!

(audience doesn't understand joke, laughs anyway)

JD: So how's your wife doing, Walter?

W: She's not dead yet, if that's what you mean.

(audience gets that joke, starts to feel better)

JD: That's a pretty mean thing to say.

W: That's my pet name for her, "Pretty Mean Thing."

(audience laughs, appreciative the jokes are easy to understand once again)

JD: There's some pretty good food backstage, Walter, did you get to try any of it?

W: Of course I did, idiot.

JD: Well, how was it?

W: It tasted like ass, but at least it's not my wife's cooking.

(with self-esteem fully restored, audience returns to laughing obnoxiously)

JD: The chips were great, huh?

W: I didn't get to try any! Some green dildo on a stick ate all the salsa!

(audience first laughs at the word "dildo," then realizes it's a reference to José Jalapeño and laughs some more)

JD: Thanks, Walter. Hope everything turns out well for you and your wife. My next guest just got back from the track where he found a tire. A spare tire! (Jeff illustrates a beer belly with his hands.) Let's welcome Bubba J!

(Larry the Cable Guy fans rush in from outside, the ushers are too afraid to intervene)

Bubba J: Howdy, y'all! Tarnation theys lots uh folks in here!

JD: Well, people love my simple comedy, Bubba. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to manipulate the American public. All you have to do is hide behind a gimmick, spoon-feed them a bunch of racial stereotypes, and watch the money come rolling in!

(audience not listening, too busy anticipating NASCAR joke)

BJ: Gee, sounds like lots uh work. Maybe I'll jus go on back to the car racin. Only thing I gotta worry bout there is drinkin my beer and not spillin my beer!

(audience accepts the beer joke, laughs until it forgets about wanting a NASCAR joke)

JD: Thanks, Bubba. Hope everything turns out well for you at the racetrack. Our next visitor is here from beyond the grave; a grave which he hopes to one day blow up because it represents America's oppression of soil. It's Achmed the Dead Terrorist!

(Even thoughts of the Holocaust can't stop everyone in the audience from jizzing their pants)

Achmed the Dead Terrorst: Helloooo, Jeff. You realize no one spells "Ahmed" with a C, don't you? Why, you're even more evil than I.

JD: I don't think I'm necessarily evil, I just

ADT: Trust me, Jeff. You're worse than Joseph fucking Stalin. You are to comedy what Carlos Mencia is to comedy.

JD: I'm not that

ADT: Yes. Yes, you are. Accept it. And if you're not going to accept it, at least write some better material. A tablecloth with Down Syndrome could piss out a wittier hour of television.

JD: Uh, I don't... I don't think that made any sense.

ADT: It doesn't have to. I'm a terrorist!

(audience stops crying, returns to laughter, which eventually leads to more tears)

JD: So are you in the holiday spirit, Achmed?

ADT: Actually, I am. As much as I hate your American commercialism, Macy's has sales good enough to die for!

(audience is silent for a few seconds, then starts to laugh)

ADT: I don't understand your Christmas carols, though. They're different than ours.

JD: Oh yeah? How so?

ADT: Well, "Deck the Halls" for example.

JD: Terrorists sing it differently?

ADT: Yes. Our goes, "Death to the infidels,

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 5.9 on the Richter scale)

JD: Gee, I guess the crowd liked your version better.

ADT: Yes, I blew them all away.

(fearing death by laughter, the audience begs Dunham for a break)

JD: You ever get tired of being a terrorist?

ADT: No, but I get tired of having sex with the 72 virgins.

(some lady coughs up a lung and dies; the paramedics would've helped, but they were laughing too hard)

JD: Really? How could you get tired of that?

ADT: There are only so many explosions a dead terrorist can handle before he needs to relax.

(miraculously, the fits of laughter kill no more people)

JD: Thanks, Achmed. Hope everything turns out well for you in the afterlife. Well, folks, it's time to bring out my final, and easily my most racist character, Sweet Daddy Dee!

(even the black person at the show can't stop laughing at the sight of the made-for-a-minstrel-show puppet)

Sweet Daddy Dee: What it is, Jeff?

JD: How are you, Sweet Daddy?

SDD: Man, you know I'mHey, what is up with your mouth? I guess doing the most racist black guy voice you can is a little too difficult for you.

JD: Shh! Quiet, Sweet Daddy! The racism is distracting everyone from my mouth.

SDD: I hope one day you die for this fucking shit. I can't believe white people still think this is funny. Oh wait, yes I can.

JD: So, uh, anyway Sweet Daddy, how is it being my manager?

SDD: I'm not a manager, I'm a Playa In a Management Profession.

JD: A P.I.M.P.?

SDD: Correct! Cause all black people are pimps, right Jeff?

JD: That's my understanding of African Americans.

SDD: No shit, Jeff. What's next? You gonna make me do an O.J. joke?

(audience laughs wildly at O.J. reference, then starts to high five each other because O.J. is finally in jail)

SDD: Fuck you all! If I had movable arms, all you motherfuckers would be dead! This better not wind up on YouTube!

JD: Thanks, Sweet Daddy. Hope everything turns out well for you and mammy. Well, that's it for me, everybody! I've run out of stereotypes! But don't worry, I'm gonna go home, take 3 hours to write another comedy special, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! Good night!

(audience eruption of cheers, applause, and shouts of "Encore!" registers 8.7 on the Richter scale; the arena collapses, killing everyone in the audience; family members, upon hearing the news, cheer louder than their dead relatives cheered for an unfunny, faux comedian whose jokes and characters are merely tired stereotypes; unfortunately, Jeff Dunham made it out alive)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stop Ned Holness

I know CollegeHumor and I haven't always gotten along, but this kind of thing will help mend our relationship.

I have been programmed for arousal

I don't know if you're a technology fiend or not, but sexy robots have been all over the news recently. The first video is of robot strippers. Do I have to say more?

(click the pic)

Next up, we have some creep named Le Trung who invented a female robot that he apparently lives with. Why create a robot that doesn't let you touch its (her?) boobs?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

Winners: Ironists!

With the Obama victory, there is an abundance of irony and comedians who have been hurt by the Democratic senator's win will be quick to change up their acts. (Except for Carrot Top, that guy's bulletproof!) Here's an example for comics to follow - guaranteed laughs!

I can't believe Bush has to leave office in January, he's done such a great job! Why can't he stay for another four years? Who is this Obama guy, anyway? Seems like a big dummy if you ask me. He wants to reestablish presidential accountability? I don't think that's really necessary. And I'm not worried about finding a career after I graduate, the job market is doing just fine.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dr. Comeback

Photo composite: Wireimage; Courtesy of Cadbury Schweppes

When you haven't written for awhile, you can't come back with just any story. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for all of you, I have found that story. Thank goodness I started checking CNN again, I had forgotten how low it sets its bar for "news."

In perhaps the lamest rock and roll move since Lars Ulrich cried over Napster users sharing Metallica's good 80's and sub-par 90's metal, Axl Rose and his once relevant band Pistols N' Daffodils are suing a soft drink company. Has it come to this? Is rock and roll really over? "Grr! I only got six out of Up! I'll see you in court!" Is anyone aware of the fact that in a real Chinese Democracy we wouldn't even be allowed doctors or pepper?! I'll pay my $2.99 if I want a soda because I'm an American. Fuck you, has-been!