Friday, March 27, 2009

Beyond help

Look at her. Waving... Smiling... Not being bitter and angry at the world, when we all know she has every right to be! Where does she get off?! My legs work perfectly fine, yet I'm the most cynical human being I know. And I fear the cynicism may be progressing. Let me paint you a picture.

I'm sitting on the bus, very sexily, when a girl I've never before seen on this particular route boards. Let's call her "David" for no good reason. She sits catty-corner to me in the very front row of seats that's about to folded up due to a wheelchair-bound girl who is boarding. This girl I have seen on the bus, she plays the cello I think. She needs a name, too. Let's see, she might be a big Tolkien fan, so I'll just pick a random LotR name. Umm... "Legolas."

Now, I'm all for giving up the front seats to the handicapped, elderly, children, and menacing Panamanians (Which is all of them, am I right?!) but David decided not only to get up, but offered to help the bus driver fold up the seats! When she failed at this task, she went to the door and asked Legolas if she needed any help! Come on! Who is she trying to impress? Obviously it wasn't me. My first reaction was rage. Blind rage.

Clearly, I am the more handicapped.

ShamPow!

It's only the end of March, but we already have a candidate for "Funniest Story of the Year."


"Vince Shlomi, ShamWow Pitchman, Arrested for Battering Hooker"

That guy looks like a dinosaur.

Hilarious, yet disgusting update!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I don't like pizza that much!

"End Child Slavery!
Free Pizza!"

This very real sidewalk chalk advertisement currently adorns several slabs of concrete here on IU's campus and it made me laugh out loud the second I read it. One of the reasons it's funny is because I know it's not a joke. Rather, it's a serious attempt to discuss the atrocities of child slavery while offering pizza as an incentive to sign the group's petition and/or donate money and/or whatever. Because honestly, who jokes about child slavery? Well, I do. And my friends do. Here are some of the funnier lines that have been exchanged. (Names have been omitted for fear of ostracism. Or getting into Heaven. Whichever.)

-Heck yeah! I love free pizza!
-Yeah, but I'm pro child slavery so I'd feel bad eating their pizza.

-Maybe you're just a guy who wants to liberate pizza, not kids.
-Yeah, that's right! I mean, do kids suffer under the torturous regime of pepperoni? I think not.
-Definitely not. You gotta choose your cause.

-I would rather have blood diamonds than free pizza.
-Hahahahaha, I want to go around adding that to the ads!
-Maybe Pizza is the name of a child slave.
-Hahahaha, you're killing me! You are the king of child slavery jokes!

-The only way it could've been worse is if it was "End World Hunger!"
-Or maybe "End Child Prostitution!"
-What about "End the Genocide in Darfur!"
-That's not over yet?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Hell's Barnyard

It's been a month and a half since I last posted. With that long a wait, I can't come back with just any old entry. No, it has to be brilliant. It has to make God smile.

Well, I don't know how to write anything that profound, but I do have a really, really stupid idea.

Hell's Barnyard

Farmer RAMsey: Alright, everyone, listen up! Mr. Frederick and his animals are coming over for dinner tonight. If we expect to do proper business with him, we're going to have to impress him. Are we clear?

Chicken: But Farmer RAMsey, Mr. Frederick is a fowl human being. We shouldn't be doing business with him.

RAMsey: Shut the cluck up, chicken! Did I give you free range to say whatever you want?

Chicken: No, Farmer RAMsey.

RAMsey: Then let's get to work. Anyone, ideas for the meal? Let's go around the horns. Cow!

Cow: I make the best lamb chops on the planet, Farmer RAMsey. I eat them all the time!

RAMsey: You fat, arrogant cow! Let's moove on. Duck!

Duck: Filet mignon, Farmer RAMsey!

RAMsey: Have you been hitting the quackpipe, duck?! We can't afford that! Horse!

Horse: It would behoove us to do something classy. I say duck à l'orange, Farmer RAMsey.

RAMsey: That's a foalish idea! It'd be a nightmare! Anybody care to pony up a better idea?

Sheep: Aside from the lamp chops, all of these ideas have been sheer brilliance, Farmer RAMsey. I have yet to hear a baad idea!

RAMsey: You filthy cudnt. If I hear anymore of your woolshit, I'll kick you off this farm myself! Thanks for mutton... Pig! What do you say?

Pig: Uh, maybe... No. How about... No. Oh, I know! No, wait...

RAMsey: You're boaring me, pig! Choose!

Pig: I just can't destyed.

RAMsey: You can't deswine, huh? Not bacon any progress? Well, you've hogged enough time already! Dog!

Dog: This is a ruff decision. We need to at leash consider all possibilities as valid before choosing.

RAMsey: Oh, throw me a fucking bone, dog!

Dog: What about human?

RAMsey: Are you mad, dog?

Cat: Human? That sounds purrfect!

RAMsey: All of you want to serve a human, human?!

All: Hay! That sounds wonderful!

RAMsey: Alright, but nobody tell Mr. Frederick what it is. Now go and get Mr. Jones!