Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh, stop. No, seriously. Please. Stop.

I'd like to talk about Barack Obama's first 100 days in office, but analyzing a president's first 100 days is arbitrary and meaningless. Plus, since Obama's black and all, I'm not sure I could talk about his presidency thus far without racializing the hell out of it. CNN? Would you like to try?

Kyra Phillips: Awwwwwwwww, shiiiiiiiiit! We back, y'all! And we talkin' 'bout Obama's first hun'ed days. Yo, T! What grade you gonna drop on 'em?

T.J. Holmes: An A mu'fuckin' plus! Brotha got swag, Ky.

Kyra: No white boys got swag?

T.J.: Naw, naw, naw. I ain't sayin' all that, Ky. What I'm sayin' is the brotha's not afraid to be hip and cool and hug a couple mu'fuckas, ya know?

Kyra: Brotha's mad hip!

T.J.: Check it. He collects comic books, dances like a drunk grandpa at a wedding, and now the brotha's got a Portuguese Water Dog!

Kyra: Plus, he's the sickest mu'fucka I ever seen in the alley, son!

T.J.: Brotha's just like Shaft!

Kyra: Ey! Can we get some Isaac Hayes in this mu'fucka?!

T.J.: Yo, cause I think he's a good president an' all that shit, but it's like, he's a completely different kind of human being than past presidents, know what I'm sayin'?

Kyra: An' you kinda the same way, T. Cause I've heard people say that cause you black and laid back that you a real brotha.

T.J.: Aw, you know me. I just love huggin' mu'fuckas! Except that Rick Sanchez bastard. Mu'fucka had the nerve to say us doin' this story was ridiculous.

Kyra: Ridiculous? Hell naw, man! Me asking a 12-year-old boy with no arms and no family if he understood that Operation Iraqi Freedom was a mission of liberation and not imperialism was ridiculous! Really, really fuckin' ridiculous!

T.J.: Retarded even! But see, that's what I love about you, Ky! I love the fact that you ain't hung up on jouralistic integrity an' shit.

Kyra: Same to you, T.

T.J.: Yo, you wanna hug this mu'fucka out?

Kyra: Let's awkwardly hug this mu'fucka out! Peace y'all!

Monday, April 20, 2009


The iPhone - a revolution that fits into your pocket. (Not unlike my copy of the Communist Manifesto.) And yet, Apple's technology is ever-increasing, with a constant stream of new applications that allows users to personalize their iPhone. The company's ultimate hope, I can only assume, is to create a one-to-one experience that makes the consumer so Apple dependent and Apple obsessed that any other computer and/or phone seems obsolete. So what's new this week? In an effort to modernize an outdated party made up of people with outdated ideas, Apple has created the Republican iPhone. Let's take a look at some of the apps!

What to eat!

What to drink!

Sexy photographs!

A world map to remind you of all the places terrorists live!

Remember how you felt when Dale Earnhardt Jr. lost the big race!

A reminder that science is totally lame!

See what your relatives are up to!

Challenging word puzzles!

Complex arithmetic!

A reminder of what you hate to do.

A reminder of what you really hate to do.

A reminder to hate fascism. No, socialism. No, tyranny. No, black people.

How to fix Global Warming!

Your answer to everything!

Relive the good old days!

A reminder of what you pretend to be. Christian!

A reminder of what it sounds like when you complain!

iPhone even remembers what object you used to beat your wife last night!
Cause you probably don't!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Say that again?

If Zac Efron...

Will eventually turn into Matthew Perry...

Do you think it works the other way around?

In other words, if a muscly young heartthrob can turn into a garden-variety dweeb, can an average-looking goofball...

Turn into a Hunkasaurus Rex?

I don't know how the whole white-to-black thing works, but magic is magic, right?

Sunday, April 05, 2009


As a birthday gift from me to you, enjoy this ridiculous website that once again proves old people are clueless when it comes to the Internets.


Friday, April 03, 2009

I believe in atheists

Atheists, you'd feel bad for 'em if they weren't all hellbound sinners. I'm joking of course (as far as you know) but being the empathetic person that I am, and a marketing whiz, I thought I'd offer a great bit of advice to those aligned with the Allied Atheist Allegiance - the greatest of all atheist organizations as it is the most logical. Even though for some ungodly reason it's run by sea otters...

A majority of Americans identify themselves, at least partially, as belonging to one religion or another. As a result, they absolutely hate atheists. Hate them so much! Atheists are always going on and on, "Ooh! I don't believe in God!" Or, "God? How absurd!" Is it any wonder they're lonely, friendless retards? But fear not, heathens! I know how you, too, can bask in the wondrous glow of smiles from people who genuinely care whether you live or die. And the answer is, per usual, the devil!

To be fair, I can't be certain that I'm the first person who has figured this out, but I'll take credit for it anyway. If atheists would redirect their efforts from pronouncing the non-existence of God, to the non-existence of the Devil, just imagine how many places they could go and not be ostracized! Think about it. "I don't believe in the Devil. The Devil is nothing to me!" Even Fundamentalist Christians could get behind that logic!

You're welcome, atheism.