Monday, August 24, 2009

Flickr page

In preparation for my trip overseas, I have created a Flickr account. Nothing of importance will be on there for a month, but it's there nonetheless. Huzzah!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Town hall misery


I'm so angry! Furious, even! And no, not at the ignorant, racist masses showing up at these supposed "town hall meetings" for health care. I'm angry because these crazy white people aren't nearly being crazy enough! I did like the old man who brought his wheelchair-bound son, who seemingly had no interest in being there, to spit and shout, but his yelling wasn't piercing enough. It was run-of-the-mill stuff, really forgettable. (Was his wheelchair-bound son catatonic? If so, I kinda feel bad for not researching that.) Crazy white people should strive to be as crazy and white as Glenn Beck, who suggested that Obama wanted to reform health care as a form of reparations. Haha, what's wrong with that guy?

Regardless of Mr. Loony Bins' Tourette's, he's got the right idea. That's why I've thought of 10 really zany things to say at town hall meetings, stuff that's guaranteed to get you on TV! And since everyone, not just crazy white people, like to be on TV, I've made sure to cover all sides of the crazy. Hope to see you on YouTube!

10. "Why do we need old people anyway?! They're wrinkly and they emit a putrid odor!"

9. "Murder the first born!" (That one's for the Angel of Death.)

8. "Let's make serial killing cool again!"

7. "Everybody remembers how effective the Plague was at decimating Europe's population, right? And no, I'm not talking about the Bubonic plague! I'm saying that Obama's nickname should be 'The Black Death'!"

6. "If 9/11 had just killed more people, we wouldn't be having these problems!"

5. "I demand to know when Obama's death panels are going to take effect! Because I hate my autistic brother and I want his share of the inheritance!" (That one's for Charlie Babbitt.)

4. "Fifty million people don't have health care, so let's just have us a couple of Holocausts!"

3. "Poison! Lotsa poison!"

2. "Has anybody in Congress suggested even a rudimentary form of slavery for these 50 million delinquents?!"

1. "Can we please look at this rationally?! If our soldiers are the most willing to die for our country, why don't we just kill more of them?!"

(Let's see... 9/11? Check. Holocaust? Check. Slavery? Check. Okay, I think I can end this.)

Remember, you may be labeled as anti-American for yelling some of these things, but Thomas Jefferson, one of the greatest Americans, once didn't say that "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." And he truly was a great patriot, even a leader of civil rights at a time when few of his stature were. Yeah, he owned slaves, but he also liked to have lots and lots of sex with them. He was an equal opportunity impregnator.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Crashes like Twitter

Twitter's been invaded by hackers! All my dreams are coming true! How will the self-obsessed pretend they're talking to their "friends" now?!

But I digress. Have you heard about 2012? No, not the year, the film! Well, I guess the year, too. Anyway, the theory goes that since the famous Mayan calendar ended on December 21st, 2012, we're all totally fucked in about 3 years time. I can't wait! Here's what we can look forward to!

As dedicated reader(s) may know, the director of 2012, Roland Emmerich, and I are good buddies. And guess what? Go on, guess! That's right! He sent me a copy of the script! I'm not supposed to let anyone get an advanced look, but honestly, what's he gonna do? Enjoy!

This is the scene where everything in the world is being destroyed. Remember, Roland wrote this God-awful mess. Not me. I'd have included a lot more dick jokes.

Jackson: Kate, I filling out another job application. What day is it?

Kate: Uh, the 21st I think.

Jackson: The 21st? Didn't the Mayans next door warn us about something? I forget...

Kate: Yeah! I think you're right. What was it...?

Jackson: Oh, God! Look out!

(A giant fucking tornado appears outside the window and annihilates the city in the distance!)

(Meanwhile, in New York...)

Charlie: Laura!

Laura: What is it, Charlie?

Charlie: Do you know where my swimsuit is?

Laura: Swimsuit? It's December! Why on Earth do you need a swimsuit?

Charlie: Because there's a giant wave!!

Laura: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Krawsh! New York gets totally wiped out! It's so fucking awesome!)

(Meanwhile, in Rio de Janeiro...)

President Wilson: Why am I in Rio de Janeiro?

Carl: I don't know. It's a Roland Emmerich film.

President Wilson: Why does the world always get obliterated when a black guy's President?

Carl: Oh, you mean like Deep Impact?

President Wilson: Exactly! And what's the deal with that new KFC grilled chicken commercial? Why is everyone normal except for the Asian ninjas? That's totally fucked.

Carl: It's racist to a point where it's not even infuriating. Just really hilarious. Like Transformers 2.

President Wilson: Wait, this is an Emmerich film.

Carl: Oh yeah... Watch out!!!!!

(Boom! Fucking fog storm crushes the city! Adios, Jesus! Let's see you resurrect that statue!)

(Meanwhile, in LA...)

Generic actor: Blah blah blah.

Generic actress: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(A kickass earthquake - Oh! And fucking meteors! - just turn that shithole into dust! That'll teach 'em not to nominate me for Best Director!)

Wednesday, August 05, 2009


That's right, I'm more superlative than all those so-called "birthers." I'm the motherfucking birthest! And do you know why I'm the birthest? Because I'm the only person with enough chutzpah to declare, once and for all, why Barack Obama isn't truly an American. I've heard people say he's "different" and that he "doesn't understand America," but what I've yet to hear is an elaboration on those facts. Do you know why Barack Obama is different? Do you know why he doesn't "get" America? Do you know why he's not an American? Because he's black!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just blow your mind?! (Clarification: I've seen him in person, on tv, and his pictures in magazines, and he seems to be black, but until I get to touch his hair, I'm not 100% convinced. What're you hiding, Obama? Let me touch your hair!) But let's just say he's black! And I don't want to hear this "half black, half white" stuff. If one drop was good enough for Mr. Crow, it's good enough for me!

Now, some people have called folks like me "Loony Lous" (Loos?), "Loopy Lous" (Again, Loos?), and "Loud-Mouthed, Fat-Necked Lous" (Is it Loos or Lous?! I haven't the foggiest!) But I will prove to you that Barack Obama is not American and therefore does not deserve to be President!

#1: He's black. Like I said. How many black people helped write the Constitution? That's right, Pat Buchanan! Zero! (There was a black guy there, but back then he was technically only 3/5 there, so it doesn't count. I guess he tried to get some of his black friends to come, but they were busy doing stuff.)

#2: He's half Kenyan. Kenyans are black. (See Proof #1)

#3: For a time, he lived in Indonesia, which is not America. Also, Indonesians are not white. (Amendment to Proof #1: Not white = black.)

Does this look like America to you?!

#4: Chuck Norris doesn't think Barack Obama was born in America. Are you gonna argue with the guy who got his neck snapped by Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon?

#5: I'm dumb! I don't have time to "read" his books! Or to "understand" how his Certification of Live Birth is proof. Plus, his doctor was probably Hawaiian! (See Amendment to Proof #1)

#6: Umm... Jeremiah Wright?

#7: Did you forget that I'm stupid?! (See Proof #5)

#8: Holy shit! Jet packs!

#9: I saw a clearly homicidal maniac on television one morning say that Barack Obama hates white culture. You know what another word for white culture is? America!

#10: Obama gets 30 death threats a day. You're not trying to draw attention away from this birth certificate story are you, Barack Obama? I can see right through you! (Barack Obama is an African name, see Proof #2)

#11: Didn't think I'd get to 11, did you?! Seems that once again you've underestimated my stupidity! (See Proof #7)

#12: I've heard (made up) that he uses the metric system in his everyday life.

#13: He's black! Come on, people! That's scary!

There! If these 10 reasons don't convince you, nothing will! (See Proof #5)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Gary and the Captain

I'm not exactly sure where this next story comes from, but I happen to StumbleUpon it and thought it needed to be shared. If it sounds implausible, here's a link to the story.

Man drives car to store?

by Franklin Marx

"I just wanted to get some milk."

Such an absurd explanation isn't believable to most, but Gary Shue stands by his story. Shue, who drives a 1998 Dodge Avenger, insists that the only reason he drove to the store was to retrieve some milk, in anticipation for the cereal he would eat the next morning. "I had a glass of milk with dinner and thought I had another gallon in the garage fridge. I didn't, so I went to pick some up."

Shue later stated that while he was at the store he, "might as well pick up some bread." So if he just went to get the milk, why'd he also get the bread? These conflicting statements haven't passed muster with his neighbors. John Rollins, who asked me to call him "Captain Redbeard", had the following to say about Shue. "I think he's a motherfucking dragon! That's what the hell I think! Hey! Stop writing this down, guy!" He immediately added, "No! Don't write that either!"

After stripping to his corset and twirling his belly hair for nearly an hour, Captain Redbeard mentioned that ever since he moved in next to Shue, he has found him more than a little strange. "If he doesn't have nothin' to hide, why won't he let me bring my collection of porcelain baby dolls over and watch as I feed them?" Excellent question, Captain.

"Who? Oh, John. Yeah, I'm not sure about that guy. Stays to himself mostly, I try not to bother him if I can help it," Shue said. Doesn't sound like much of an American answer to this reporter. Almost as un-American, according to the Captain, is Shue's fondness for his aforementioned Dodge Avenger. "I seen him outside, rubbing and spraying water all over it. Like it was some kinda furry beast!"

Is this perhaps the real reason Shue "drove" his "car" to the "store" to "purchase" "milk" the other day? Perhaps he wanted to unleash the hellish demon on the innocent, God-fearing denizens of the grocery store? Unfortunately, we may never know the truth.