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That's right, I'm more superlative than all those so-called "birthers." I'm the motherfucking birthest! And do you know why I'm the birthest? Because I'm the only person with enough chutzpah to declare, once and for all, why Barack Obama isn't truly an American. I've heard people say he's "different" and that he "doesn't understand America," but what I've yet to hear is an elaboration on those facts. Do you know why Barack Obama is different? Do you know why he doesn't "get" America? Do you know why he's not an American? Because he's black!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just blow your mind?! (Clarification: I've seen him in person, on tv, and his pictures in magazines, and he seems to be black, but until I get to touch his hair, I'm not 100% convinced. What're you hiding, Obama? Let me touch your hair!) But let's just say he's black! And I don't want to hear this "half black, half white" stuff. If one drop was good enough for Mr. Crow, it's good enough for me!

Now, some people have called folks like me "Loony Lous" (Loos?), "Loopy Lous" (Again, Loos?), and "Loud-Mouthed, Fat-Necked Lous" (Is it Loos or Lous?! I haven't the foggiest!) But I will prove to you that Barack Obama is not American and therefore does not deserve to be President!

#1: He's black. Like I said. How many black people helped write the Constitution? That's right, Pat Buchanan! Zero! (There was a black guy there, but back then he was technically only 3/5 there, so it doesn't count. I guess he tried to get some of his black friends to come, but they were busy doing stuff.)

#2: He's half Kenyan. Kenyans are black. (See Proof #1)

#3: For a time, he lived in Indonesia, which is not America. Also, Indonesians are not white. (Amendment to Proof #1: Not white = black.)

Does this look like America to you?!

#4: Chuck Norris doesn't think Barack Obama was born in America. Are you gonna argue with the guy who got his neck snapped by Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon?

#5: I'm dumb! I don't have time to "read" his books! Or to "understand" how his Certification of Live Birth is proof. Plus, his doctor was probably Hawaiian! (See Amendment to Proof #1)

#6: Umm... Jeremiah Wright?

#7: Did you forget that I'm stupid?! (See Proof #5)

#8: Holy shit! Jet packs!

#9: I saw a clearly homicidal maniac on television one morning say that Barack Obama hates white culture. You know what another word for white culture is? America!

#10: Obama gets 30 death threats a day. You're not trying to draw attention away from this birth certificate story are you, Barack Obama? I can see right through you! (Barack Obama is an African name, see Proof #2)

#11: Didn't think I'd get to 11, did you?! Seems that once again you've underestimated my stupidity! (See Proof #7)

#12: I've heard (made up) that he uses the metric system in his everyday life.

#13: He's black! Come on, people! That's scary!

There! If these 10 reasons don't convince you, nothing will! (See Proof #5)