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Crashes like Twitter

Twitter's been invaded by hackers! All my dreams are coming true! How will the self-obsessed pretend they're talking to their "friends" now?!

But I digress. Have you heard about 2012? No, not the year, the film! Well, I guess the year, too. Anyway, the theory goes that since the famous Mayan calendar ended on December 21st, 2012, we're all totally fucked in about 3 years time. I can't wait! Here's what we can look forward to!

As dedicated reader(s) may know, the director of 2012, Roland Emmerich, and I are good buddies. And guess what? Go on, guess! That's right! He sent me a copy of the script! I'm not supposed to let anyone get an advanced look, but honestly, what's he gonna do? Enjoy!

This is the scene where everything in the world is being destroyed. Remember, Roland wrote this God-awful mess. Not me. I'd have included a lot more dick jokes.

Jackson: Kate, I filling out another job application. What day is it?

Kate: Uh, the 21st I think.

Jackson: The 21st? Didn't the Mayans next door warn us about something? I forget...

Kate: Yeah! I think you're right. What was it...?

Jackson: Oh, God! Look out!

(A giant fucking tornado appears outside the window and annihilates the city in the distance!)

(Meanwhile, in New York...)

Charlie: Laura!

Laura: What is it, Charlie?

Charlie: Do you know where my swimsuit is?

Laura: Swimsuit? It's December! Why on Earth do you need a swimsuit?

Charlie: Because there's a giant wave!!

Laura: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Krawsh! New York gets totally wiped out! It's so fucking awesome!)

(Meanwhile, in Rio de Janeiro...)

President Wilson: Why am I in Rio de Janeiro?

Carl: I don't know. It's a Roland Emmerich film.

President Wilson: Why does the world always get obliterated when a black guy's President?

Carl: Oh, you mean like Deep Impact?

President Wilson: Exactly! And what's the deal with that new KFC grilled chicken commercial? Why is everyone normal except for the Asian ninjas? That's totally fucked.

Carl: It's racist to a point where it's not even infuriating. Just really hilarious. Like Transformers 2.

President Wilson: Wait, this is an Emmerich film.

Carl: Oh yeah... Watch out!!!!!

(Boom! Fucking fog storm crushes the city! Adios, Jesus! Let's see you resurrect that statue!)

(Meanwhile, in LA...)

Generic actor: Blah blah blah.

Generic actress: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(A kickass earthquake - Oh! And fucking meteors! - just turn that shithole into dust! That'll teach 'em not to nominate me for Best Director!)