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Gary and the Captain

I'm not exactly sure where this next story comes from, but I happen to StumbleUpon it and thought it needed to be shared. If it sounds implausible, here's a link to the story.

Man drives car to store?

by Franklin Marx

"I just wanted to get some milk."

Such an absurd explanation isn't believable to most, but Gary Shue stands by his story. Shue, who drives a 1998 Dodge Avenger, insists that the only reason he drove to the store was to retrieve some milk, in anticipation for the cereal he would eat the next morning. "I had a glass of milk with dinner and thought I had another gallon in the garage fridge. I didn't, so I went to pick some up."

Shue later stated that while he was at the store he, "might as well pick up some bread." So if he just went to get the milk, why'd he also get the bread? These conflicting statements haven't passed muster with his neighbors. John Rollins, who asked me to call him "Captain Redbeard", had the following to say about Shue. "I think he's a motherfucking dragon! That's what the hell I think! Hey! Stop writing this down, guy!" He immediately added, "No! Don't write that either!"

After stripping to his corset and twirling his belly hair for nearly an hour, Captain Redbeard mentioned that ever since he moved in next to Shue, he has found him more than a little strange. "If he doesn't have nothin' to hide, why won't he let me bring my collection of porcelain baby dolls over and watch as I feed them?" Excellent question, Captain.

"Who? Oh, John. Yeah, I'm not sure about that guy. Stays to himself mostly, I try not to bother him if I can help it," Shue said. Doesn't sound like much of an American answer to this reporter. Almost as un-American, according to the Captain, is Shue's fondness for his aforementioned Dodge Avenger. "I seen him outside, rubbing and spraying water all over it. Like it was some kinda furry beast!"

Is this perhaps the real reason Shue "drove" his "car" to the "store" to "purchase" "milk" the other day? Perhaps he wanted to unleash the hellish demon on the innocent, God-fearing denizens of the grocery store? Unfortunately, we may never know the truth.