« Home | Crashes like Twitter » | Birthest » | Gary and the Captain » | Whale Wars! Of a different sort... » | That's the way it is » | Uwe won't Bollieve me » | I'm waiting... » | I can't believe he's out of our lives » | Transformerly interested » | I can only come back with this »

Town hall misery


I'm so angry! Furious, even! And no, not at the ignorant, racist masses showing up at these supposed "town hall meetings" for health care. I'm angry because these crazy white people aren't nearly being crazy enough! I did like the old man who brought his wheelchair-bound son, who seemingly had no interest in being there, to spit and shout, but his yelling wasn't piercing enough. It was run-of-the-mill stuff, really forgettable. (Was his wheelchair-bound son catatonic? If so, I kinda feel bad for not researching that.) Crazy white people should strive to be as crazy and white as Glenn Beck, who suggested that Obama wanted to reform health care as a form of reparations. Haha, what's wrong with that guy?

Regardless of Mr. Loony Bins' Tourette's, he's got the right idea. That's why I've thought of 10 really zany things to say at town hall meetings, stuff that's guaranteed to get you on TV! And since everyone, not just crazy white people, like to be on TV, I've made sure to cover all sides of the crazy. Hope to see you on YouTube!

10. "Why do we need old people anyway?! They're wrinkly and they emit a putrid odor!"

9. "Murder the first born!" (That one's for the Angel of Death.)

8. "Let's make serial killing cool again!"

7. "Everybody remembers how effective the Plague was at decimating Europe's population, right? And no, I'm not talking about the Bubonic plague! I'm saying that Obama's nickname should be 'The Black Death'!"

6. "If 9/11 had just killed more people, we wouldn't be having these problems!"

5. "I demand to know when Obama's death panels are going to take effect! Because I hate my autistic brother and I want his share of the inheritance!" (That one's for Charlie Babbitt.)

4. "Fifty million people don't have health care, so let's just have us a couple of Holocausts!"

3. "Poison! Lotsa poison!"

2. "Has anybody in Congress suggested even a rudimentary form of slavery for these 50 million delinquents?!"

1. "Can we please look at this rationally?! If our soldiers are the most willing to die for our country, why don't we just kill more of them?!"

(Let's see... 9/11? Check. Holocaust? Check. Slavery? Check. Okay, I think I can end this.)

Remember, you may be labeled as anti-American for yelling some of these things, but Thomas Jefferson, one of the greatest Americans, once didn't say that "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." And he truly was a great patriot, even a leader of civil rights at a time when few of his stature were. Yeah, he owned slaves, but he also liked to have lots and lots of sex with them. He was an equal opportunity impregnator.