Monday, October 12, 2009

Hark! What ho!

Look at this miserable, murdering fuck of a man. "But wait a minute, Alex, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for Columbus. You can't judge if you don't know the real story." Well, guess what, you ethnocentric asshole, it just so happens that I do know the real story and the truth is that Columbus was annoying as shit! A total douche! Recently unearthed transcripts reveal the very first conversation between Columbus and the Native Americans. I'd like to share it with you...

Columbus: Hark! What ho! I've just landed in India, land of a million spices! I laugh in the face of those who doubted me! Ha, I say! Haha! Someone, write this down! Everything I'm saying! It shall make for a grand read one day!

Native American Guy: Um, excuse me? Can I help you?

Columbus: Eureka again, I declare! An Indian man with the uncanny ability to understand my hyperbolic interjections and so forth! Bravo!

Native American Guy: Uh, yeah, whatever. Listen, I just came over here to tell you to get off my begonias, man. Seriously, I just planted these things.

Native American Woman: Oooooh... Did you say India earlier? Cause I thought I heard you say India.

Columbus: Hark! And the woman, too?! Certainly Marco Polo has taught them well!

Native American Guy: Hey, who're you shouting at? We're all right here, dude. But yeah, anyway, India... To be honest, you're not even fuckin' close. You wanna go waaaaaaaay the hell that way. But you gotta go south first.

Columbus: Surely you jest, good sir! My navigational skills are top notch!

Native American Woman: Well, you would've been right, if it just hadn't been for, you know, all this land here. But feel free to stock up on supplies if you want, our village is just over there. We got all kinds of food, drink, shelter, smoke - you guys smoke? - anyway, we got it if you want it. We'd love to help out before you shove off again. Where'd you say you guys were from?

Columbus: Now you listen here, savages! I don't want any trouble!

Native American Guy: Whoa! Easy with the "savages" talk, Captain Wonk-Eye! We're trying to help you! I'm sorry if I was coarse with you earlier, but you shouldn't have been on my begonias in the first place!

Columbus: Gentlemen! Bring the guns!

Native American Woman: Guns? What's a guns?

Native American Guy: Don't look at me, maybe it's medicine. All these guys look pretty pale. (to Europeans) You guys need oranges or something? You got the scurvey? Don't worry, it's cool! We got plenty!

Columbus: I've lost many men and I'm not sailing out again. There'd be mutiny! If this isn't India, then do tell, where are we?

Native American Woman: I dunno, we don't really have a name for it. Land? Uh, Mother Earth? I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

Columbus: Could it be?! Have I, Christopher Wedgieston Columbus, discovered a new world?!*

Native American Guy: What're you talking about? You were standing on my begonias 15 seconds ago, you didn't discover a thing. You do see all these people here, right?

Columbus: But have you told the Queen?!

Native American Woman: (thinking aloud) Hmm, I don't think I know a Queen. I can run back and check if there's a Queen here for you. Does he know you're coming?

Columbus: Gentlemen... Attack!

(Rape, murder, genocide, enslavement, robbery, chaos, and the like ensue. Hundreds of years later, ottomans will be cheaper for a short period of time in October.)

*Christopher Columbus's real name according to the transcript.