Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Miley's Magnetism: A Semi-Thorough Analyzation

15:
I start at 15, because I only became aware of Miley Cyrus when she was 15. She had a show on the Disney Channel with the "Achy Breaky Heart" guy, where she'd put on a blond wig and nobody could recognize her. Turns out, she was that guy's daughter. Weird.

Anyway, she was quickly becoming a sensation and pictures of a young woman discovering her sexuality soon made her a topic of conversation. Whether the photos were posted online by hackers, friends, or publicists doesn't concern me; what's troubling is that people were shocked to discover that a 15-year-old girl wanted to feel sexy. Did everybody suddenly forget what it was to be a teenager? Or was it just odd to see that online - a generational gap?

Now, not knowing what it is to be sexy, I can imagine it felt pretty good as there were plenty of these photos to go around. But relatively speaking, respect was paid. The most you could get out of somebody was that Miley was a cute girl, who may or may not have made a mistake keeping these pictures around. She was sweet, pure, and you couldn't get away with saying you'd nail her.

16:
Hannah Montana was in full effect and Miley was touring, dazzling foreigners worldwide. Domestically, an ever-increasing number of fathers became vastly more interested in what their teen and pre-teen daughters were watching on television. Weird.

During these golden Miley months, Miley, had she wanted to, could've slutted her way across the globe, as 16 is considered legal bonin' age in many saner countries. But she was still, by and large, America's wholesome sweetheart. Middle America applauded as she proudly placed a purity ring upon her hand, all while noticing that young Miley was starting to look a lot more like an adult. Translation: "She's pretty hot. How old is she again?"

It was about this time I saw a Disney Channel Radio billboard during a trip between my hometown and my university town. The large picture of Miley Cyrus had, what I can only describe as, "Fuck me" eyes. Although they'd never admit it, Disney had begun to sell her as a sexual icon. But not to teens. The billboard, I assume, was meant to provoke a conversation that would go thusly...

Little girl in car: Daddy, Daddy! Look! Turn to Disney Radio!
Father: What, honey?
Little girl: Look! Miley Cyrus! (points at billboard) Turn to the Disney Channel!
Father: (upon noticing and becoming confused in the giant "Fuck me" eyes of an attractive, young, billboarded teen, whom he may or may not recognize) Uhh... Ok.

Disney was subliminally selling her sexuality and doing it cleverly enough as to not interfere with her already imbedded vestal image. Well done, gentlemen. I'm sure you padded your pockets for years to come with that one. However, you still couldn't publicly state that you'd fuck her, but it was something you'd joke about with your friends on a regular basis.

17:
Miley Cyrus publicly wore this at something called the "MuchMusic Video Awards" in June. (And an even better outfit that some publications won't even fully show.)

The now 17-year-old Miley has routinely been wearing outfits such as this both on and off stage. Again, this isn't necessarily a problem, as a 17-year-old girl in 2010 dresses much differently than the 45-year-olds clamoring about her hedonism on television. Can we really be so indignant toward a young woman for wearing a shirt skirt more than we should be at the low-life photographers aiming their cameras up it? Of course not, it's all just a quest for ratings. But a better question has to be asked.

If a young woman who looks like that, and can dress like that, and can walk around like that, and who, most importantly, knows exactly what she's doing when she's doing that, why is it not okay to say you'd fuck her? Because at this point, I have no qualms about saying I would lay hard pipe to Miley Cyrus. And no one should be made to feel like an outcast or a pervert for saying so. (That sounded way more personal that it was supposed to, by the way. I haven't been made to feel any way, mostly because everyone I know agrees with me. Just wanted to clear that up.)

18:
Many red-blooded, heterosexual males will rejoice when Miley Cyrus turns 18 on (according to Wikipedia) November 23rd, as if they will then have the chance to bang her, or see her in Hustler. I, on the other hand, believe she will have peaked. She'll just become one of the gang on that day, joining the ranks of super hot celebrities I'll never even see, let alone touch. All of the intrigue will be gone.

Therefore, I will enjoy the last few months of bloggers pretending she's a delicate flower, and continue to think I have a shot with her, before she fades into the background of Hollywood. Although I'm not entirely sure what it says about me that I'd rather sex up Miley while she's technically a minor, you can't deny that you probably feel the same way.