The Objectivity of Comedy

Flavor Flav to be honored by Ku Klux Klan

2011-01-22T21:58:00.009-06:00

After a stellar career in the late 1980s and early '90s as a member of the socio-politically conscious hip-hop group Public Enemy, Flavor "William Jonathan Drayton, Jr." Flav has been on a mission to slowly destroy all that he and Public Enemy frontman, Chuck D, helped build. His work is finally paying off.

With the opening of a fried chicken restaurant and new line of alcoholic beverages, Flav earned the attention of the Ku Klux Klan, who intend to make him the first African-American recipient of its coveted KKK Image Award. When informed of the news, Flav was overheard excitedly shouting "Yeah!" to what is believed to be his son.

"Now, we normally tend to steer clear from his kind," company spokesman Franklin Watson angrily murmured, "but Mr. Flavor's achievements in the field of colored dislikeability can no longer be ignored. Quite honestly, this is long overdue."

Watson made numerous references to Flav's appearances in VH1 reality shows The Surreal Life and Strange Love, and believes that while miscegenation is never a good thing, nothing proved that more than those programs. Watson also expressed great adulation for the Flavor of Love series, because his role as a fear/hate-monger had never been so easy. "I mean, did you ever watch that show?" he asked. "I mean, really watch it?"

Surprisingly, Watson had no comment about Flavor Flav's work in the short-lived, MyNetworkTV sitcom Under One Roof as he had never heard of it.

When asked if he would be attending the ceremony with his former bandmate, Chuck D wrapped himself with a warm blanket and gently sobbed until he fell asleep.

Gotta put it in "print"

2010-11-26T22:51:00.002-06:00

Cents are worthless. Sense is priceless.

-Me, 2010-

(I googled it -with quotes!- and it didn't exist. Guess what? That saying is mine.)

Imagine if the Tea Party Was Black

2010-10-29T09:15:00.004-05:00

Tim Wise? Beast.

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protester — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

Imagine that white members of Congress, while walking to work, were surrounded by thousands of angry black people, one of whom proceeded to spit on one of those congressmen for not voting the way the black demonstrators desired. Would the protesters be seen as merely patriotic Americans voicing their opinions, or as an angry, potentially violent, and even insurrectionary mob? After all, this is what white Tea Party protesters did recently in Washington.

Imagine that a rap artist were to say, in reference to a white president: “He’s a piece of shit and I told him to suck on my machine gun.” Because that’s what rocker Ted Nugent said recently about President Obama.

Imagine that a prominent mainstream black political commentator had long employed an overt bigot as Executive Director of his organization, and that this bigot regularly participated in black separatist conferences, and once assaulted a white person while calling them by a racial slur. When that prominent black commentator and his sister — who also works for the organization — defended the bigot as a good guy who was misunderstood and “going through a tough time in his life” would anyone accept their excuse-making? Would that commentator still have a place on a mainstream network? Because that’s what happened in the real world, when Pat Buchanan employed as Executive Director of his group, America’s Cause, a blatant racist who did all these things, or at least their white equivalents: attending white separatist conferences and attacking a black woman while calling her the n-word.

Imagine that a black radio host were to suggest that the only way to get promoted in the administration of a white president is by “hating black people,” or that a prominent white person had only endorsed a white presidential candidate as an act of racial bonding, or blamed a white president for a fight on a school bus in which a black kid was jumped by two white kids, or said that he wouldn’t want to kill all conservatives, but rather, would like to leave just enough—“living fossils” as he called them—“so we will never forget what these people stood for.” After all, these are things that Rush Limbaugh has said, about Barack Obama’s administration, Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois in which two black kids beat up a white kid, and about liberals, generally.

Imagine that a black pastor, formerly a member of the U.S. military, were to declare, as part of his opposition to a white president’s policies, that he was ready to “suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do.” This is, after all, what Pastor Stan Craig said recently at a Tea Party rally in Greenville, South Carolina.

Imagine a black radio talk show host gleefully predicting a revolution by people of color if the government continues to be dominated by the rich white men who have been “destroying” the country, or if said radio personality were to call Christians or Jews non-humans, or say that when it came to conservatives, the best solution would be to “hang ‘em high.” And what would happen to any congressional representative who praised that commentator for “speaking common sense” and likened his hate talk to “American values?” After all, those are among the things said by radio host and best-selling author Michael Savage, predicting white revolution in the face of multiculturalism, or said by Savage about Muslims and liberals, respectively. And it was Congressman Culbertson, from Texas, who praised Savage in that way, despite his hateful rhetoric.

Imagine a black political commentator suggesting that the only thing the guy who flew his plane into the Austin, Texas IRS building did wrong was not blowing up Fox News instead. This is, after all, what Anne Coulter said about Tim McVeigh, when she noted that his only mistake was not blowing up the New York Times.

Imagine that a popular black liberal website posted comments about the daughter of a white president, calling her “typical redneck trash,” or a “whore” whose mother entertains her by “making monkey sounds.” After all that’s comparable to what conservatives posted about Malia Obama on freerepublic.com last year, when they referred to her as “ghetto trash.”

Imagine that black protesters at a large political rally were walking around with signs calling for the lynching of their congressional enemies. Because that’s what white conservatives did last year, in reference to Democratic party leaders in Congress.

In other words, imagine that even one-third of the anger and vitriol currently being hurled at President Obama, by folks who are almost exclusively white, were being aimed, instead, at a white president, by people of color. How many whites viewing the anger, the hatred, the contempt for that white president would then wax eloquent about free speech, and the glories of democracy? And how many would be calling for further crackdowns on thuggish behavior, and investigations into the radical agendas of those same people of color?

To ask any of these questions is to answer them. Protest is only seen as fundamentally American when those who have long had the luxury of seeing themselves as prototypically American engage in it. When the dangerous and dark “other” does so, however, it isn’t viewed as normal or natural, let alone patriotic. Which is why Rush Limbaugh could say, this past week, that the Tea Parties are the first time since the Civil War that ordinary, common Americans stood up for their rights: a statement that erases the normalcy and “American-ness” of blacks in the civil rights struggle, not to mention women in the fight for suffrage and equality, working people in the fight for better working conditions, and LGBT folks as they struggle to be treated as full and equal human beings.

And this, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the shit we do, on a daily basis.

Game Over.

Tim Wise is among the most prominent anti-racist writers and activists in the U.S. Wise has spoken in 48 states, on over 400 college campuses, and to community groups around the nation. Wise has provided anti-racism training to teachers nationwide, and has trained physicians and medical industry professionals on how to combat racial inequities in health care. His latest book is called 'Between Barack and a Hard Place.'

Miley's Magnetism: A Semi-Thorough Analyzation

2010-07-27T23:27:00.010-05:00

15:

I start at 15, because I only became aware of Miley Cyrus when she was 15. She had a show on the Disney Channel with the "Achy Breaky Heart" guy, where she'd put on a blond wig and nobody could recognize her. Turns out, she was that guy's daughter. Weird.

Anyway, she was quickly becoming a sensation and pictures of a young woman discovering her sexuality soon made her a topic of conversation. Whether the photos were posted online by hackers, friends, or publicists doesn't concern me; what's troubling is that people were shocked to discover that a 15-year-old girl wanted to feel sexy. Did everybody suddenly forget what it was to be a teenager? Or was it just odd to see that online - a generational gap?

Now, not knowing what it is to be sexy, I can imagine it felt pretty good as there were plenty of these photos to go around. But relatively speaking, respect was paid. The most you could get out of somebody was that Miley was a cute girl, who may or may not have made a mistake keeping these pictures around. She was sweet, pure, and you couldn't get away with saying you'd nail her.

16:

Hannah Montana was in full effect and Miley was touring, dazzling foreigners worldwide. Domestically, an ever-increasing number of fathers became vastly more interested in what their teen and pre-teen daughters were watching on television. Weird.

During these golden Miley months, Miley, had she wanted to, could've slutted her way across the globe, as 16 is considered legal bonin' age in many saner countries. But she was still, by and large, America's wholesome sweetheart. Middle America applauded as she proudly placed a purity ring upon her hand, all while noticing that young Miley was starting to look a lot more like an adult. Translation: "She's pretty hot. How old is she again?"

It was about this time I saw a Disney Channel Radio billboard during a trip between my hometown and my university town. The large picture of Miley Cyrus had, what I can only describe as, "Fuck me" eyes. Although they'd never admit it, Disney had begun to sell her as a sexual icon. But not to teens. The billboard, I assume, was meant to provoke a conversation that would go thusly...

Little girl in car: Daddy, Daddy! Look! Turn to Disney Radio!

Father: What, honey?

Little girl: Look! Miley Cyrus! (points at billboard) Turn to the Disney Channel!

Father: (upon noticing and becoming confused in the giant "Fuck me" eyes of an attractive, young, billboarded teen, whom he may or may not recognize) Uhh... Ok.

Disney was subliminally selling her sexuality and doing it cleverly enough as to not interfere with her already imbedded vestal image. Well done, gentlemen. I'm sure you padded your pockets for years to come with that one. However, you still couldn't publicly state that you'd fuck her, but it was something you'd joke about with your friends on a regular basis.

17:

Miley Cyrus publicly wore this at something called the "MuchMusic Video Awards" in June. (And an even better outfit that some publications won't even fully show.)

The now 17-year-old Miley has routinely been wearing outfits such as this both on and off stage. Again, this isn't necessarily a problem, as a 17-year-old girl in 2010 dresses much differently than the 45-year-olds clamoring about her hedonism on television. Can we really be so indignant toward a young woman for wearing a shirt skirt more than we should be at the low-life photographers aiming their cameras up it? Of course not, it's all just a quest for ratings. But a better question has to be asked.

If a young woman who looks like that, and can dress like that, and can walk around like that, and who, most importantly, knows exactly what she's doing when she's doing that, why is it not okay to say you'd fuck her? Because at this point, I have no qualms about saying I would lay hard pipe to Miley Cyrus. And no one should be made to feel like an outcast or a pervert for saying so. (That sounded way more personal that it was supposed to, by the way. I haven't been made to feel any way, mostly because everyone I know agrees with me. Just wanted to clear that up.)

18:

Many red-blooded, heterosexual males will rejoice when Miley Cyrus turns 18 on (according to Wikipedia) November 23rd, as if they will then have the chance to bang her, or see her in Hustler. I, on the other hand, believe she will have peaked. She'll just become one of the gang on that day, joining the ranks of super hot celebrities I'll never even see, let alone touch. All of the intrigue will be gone.

Therefore, I will enjoy the last few months of bloggers pretending she's a delicate flower, and continue to think I have a shot with her, before she fades into the background of Hollywood. Although I'm not entirely sure what it says about me that I'd rather sex up Miley while she's technically a minor, you can't deny that you probably feel the same way.

Mmm... Sweet, juicy side-hugs...

2009-11-25T09:26:00.010-06:00

Oh, yeah... Oh, keep- Wait! Slow down! No don't-!

Oh, God... I'm sorry, baby, I usually last longer. I swear. It's just that... That was the best fucking Christian side-hug anyone's ever given me.

The question of "What's so absurd it could finally make me post something on this blog?" has been answered. The video above is apparently real, and taken from this conference. When, I haven't the foggiest, but I don't think that's important. Where do I start with this...

1) They don't want you to give/receive normal hugs to/from friends and neighbors, but they don't have a problem with a priest giving you a front-hug? Not sure about this one...

2) If they're trying to be street -which I assume is what they're aiming for, although it may be the "street" of 1995- wouldn't you think they'd try to avoid a phrase like "rough rider" without completely understanding it? The phrase, "I'm a rough rider, filled up with Christ's love" has a very different meaning in a "street" context.

3) When did hugging become such a sexual act? Have I missed this? I hug my grandma and grandpa at Thanksgiving, but it doesn't mean I want to fuck them.

4) How condescending can you possibly fucking be? You're trying to lure kids into your warped version of Christianity with a rap song? Absurd and disingenuous. Hugs are bad, but the sounds of police sirens and gunshots, which are insinuations of violence and murder, are a-okay for a supposedly Christian concert?

5) Do you see how embarrassed the black guy in the background is?! Hahahaha! I figure someone asked him to come on stage for a minute, and now once he's realized why they wanted him up there -so that a bunch of lame white guys can imitate black guys without seeming racist- he's so pissed off that he's just contemplating his revenge.

6) You know they're fucking those dancers...

7) Mark 10: 13-16 - "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." If hugging is so sinful and wrong, just what exactly are you saying about Jesus?

8) No Christian rap act is any good. So stop it.

Hark! What ho!

2009-10-12T16:58:00.003-05:00

Look at this miserable, murdering fuck of a man. "But wait a minute, Alex, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for Columbus. You can't judge if you don't know the real story." Well, guess what, you ethnocentric asshole, it just so happens that I do know the real story and the truth is that Columbus was annoying as shit! A total douche! Recently unearthed transcripts reveal the very first conversation between Columbus and the Native Americans. I'd like to share it with you...

Columbus: Hark! What ho! I've just landed in India, land of a million spices! I laugh in the face of those who doubted me! Ha, I say! Haha! Someone, write this down! Everything I'm saying! It shall make for a grand read one day!

Native American Guy: Um, excuse me? Can I help you?

Columbus: Eureka again, I declare! An Indian man with the uncanny ability to understand my hyperbolic interjections and so forth! Bravo!

Native American Guy: Uh, yeah, whatever. Listen, I just came over here to tell you to get off my begonias, man. Seriously, I just planted these things.

Native American Woman: Oooooh... Did you say India earlier? Cause I thought I heard you say India.

Columbus: Hark! And the woman, too?! Certainly Marco Polo has taught them well!

Native American Guy: Hey, who're you shouting at? We're all right here, dude. But yeah, anyway, India... To be honest, you're not even fuckin' close. You wanna go waaaaaaaay the hell that way. But you gotta go south first.

Columbus: Surely you jest, good sir! My navigational skills are top notch!

Native American Woman: Well, you would've been right, if it just hadn't been for, you know, all this land here. But feel free to stock up on supplies if you want, our village is just over there. We got all kinds of food, drink, shelter, smoke - you guys smoke? - anyway, we got it if you want it. We'd love to help out before you shove off again. Where'd you say you guys were from?

Columbus: Now you listen here, savages! I don't want any trouble!

Native American Guy: Whoa! Easy with the "savages" talk, Captain Wonk-Eye! We're trying to help you! I'm sorry if I was coarse with you earlier, but you shouldn't have been on my begonias in the first place!

Columbus: Gentlemen! Bring the guns!

Native American Woman: Guns? What's a guns?

Native American Guy: Don't look at me, maybe it's medicine. All these guys look pretty pale. (to Europeans) You guys need oranges or something? You got the scurvey? Don't worry, it's cool! We got plenty!

Columbus: I've lost many men and I'm not sailing out again. There'd be mutiny! If this isn't India, then do tell, where are we?

Native American Woman: I dunno, we don't really have a name for it. Land? Uh, Mother Earth? I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

Columbus: Could it be?! Have I, Christopher Wedgieston Columbus, discovered a new world?!*

Native American Guy: What're you talking about? You were standing on my begonias 15 seconds ago, you didn't discover a thing. You do see all these people here, right?

Columbus: But have you told the Queen?!

Native American Woman: (thinking aloud) Hmm, I don't think I know a Queen. I can run back and check if there's a Queen here for you. Does he know you're coming?

Columbus: Gentlemen... Attack!

(Rape, murder, genocide, enslavement, robbery, chaos, and the like ensue. Hundreds of years later, ottomans will be cheaper for a short period of time in October.)

*Christopher Columbus's real name according to the transcript.

Old York

2009-09-04T16:43:00.000-05:00

Henry Hudson had no imagination. What a dick.

Really gay commercials

2009-09-03T22:26:00.003-05:00

Say it with me...

"Ugh! That commercial is so gay!" Haha, classic!

Seriously though, the commercial is trying to make a valid point, but do they have to be so gay about it?

Hey! You got too many fingers!

2009-09-03T14:17:00.003-05:00

Hahaha, even more craziness! I'm loving this!

Cripple!

2009-09-02T17:14:00.003-05:00

Remember when I asked for more craziness at town hall meetings? Well, check this out from the Huff Post. Maybe more people than I think are reading my blog!

Flickr page

2009-08-24T18:18:00.003-05:00

In preparation for my trip overseas, I have created a Flickr account. Nothing of importance will be on there for a month, but it's there nonetheless. Huzzah!

Town hall misery

2009-08-11T23:52:00.003-05:00

Aargh!

I'm so angry! Furious, even! And no, not at the ignorant, racist masses showing up at these supposed "town hall meetings" for health care. I'm angry because these crazy white people aren't nearly being crazy enough! I did like the old man who brought his wheelchair-bound son, who seemingly had no interest in being there, to spit and shout, but his yelling wasn't piercing enough. It was run-of-the-mill stuff, really forgettable. (Was his wheelchair-bound son catatonic? If so, I kinda feel bad for not researching that.) Crazy white people should strive to be as crazy and white as Glenn Beck, who suggested that Obama wanted to reform health care as a form of reparations. Haha, what's wrong with that guy?

Regardless of Mr. Loony Bins' Tourette's, he's got the right idea. That's why I've thought of 10 really zany things to say at town hall meetings, stuff that's guaranteed to get you on TV! And since everyone, not just crazy white people, like to be on TV, I've made sure to cover all sides of the crazy. Hope to see you on YouTube!

10. "Why do we need old people anyway?! They're wrinkly and they emit a putrid odor!"

9. "Murder the first born!" (That one's for the Angel of Death.)

8. "Let's make serial killing cool again!"

7. "Everybody remembers how effective the Plague was at decimating Europe's population, right? And no, I'm not talking about the Bubonic plague! I'm saying that Obama's nickname should be 'The Black Death'!"

6. "If 9/11 had just killed more people, we wouldn't be having these problems!"

5. "I demand to know when Obama's death panels are going to take effect! Because I hate my autistic brother and I want his share of the inheritance!" (That one's for Charlie Babbitt.)

4. "Fifty million people don't have health care, so let's just have us a couple of Holocausts!"

3. "Poison! Lotsa poison!"

2. "Has anybody in Congress suggested even a rudimentary form of slavery for these 50 million delinquents?!"

1. "Can we please look at this rationally?! If our soldiers are the most willing to die for our country, why don't we just kill more of them?!"

(Let's see... 9/11? Check. Holocaust? Check. Slavery? Check. Okay, I think I can end this.)

Remember, you may be labeled as anti-American for yelling some of these things, but Thomas Jefferson, one of the greatest Americans, once didn't say that "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." And he truly was a great patriot, even a leader of civil rights at a time when few of his stature were. Yeah, he owned slaves, but he also liked to have lots and lots of sex with them. He was an equal opportunity impregnator.

Crashes like Twitter

2009-08-06T22:49:00.006-05:00

Twitter's been invaded by hackers! All my dreams are coming true! How will the self-obsessed pretend they're talking to their "friends" now?!

But I digress. Have you heard about 2012? No, not the year, the film! Well, I guess the year, too. Anyway, the theory goes that since the famous Mayan calendar ended on December 21st, 2012, we're all totally fucked in about 3 years time. I can't wait! Here's what we can look forward to!

As dedicated reader(s) may know, the director of 2012, Roland Emmerich, and I are good buddies. And guess what? Go on, guess! That's right! He sent me a copy of the script! I'm not supposed to let anyone get an advanced look, but honestly, what's he gonna do? Enjoy!

This is the scene where everything in the world is being destroyed. Remember, Roland wrote this God-awful mess. Not me. I'd have included a lot more dick jokes.

Jackson: Kate, I filling out another job application. What day is it?

Kate: Uh, the 21st I think.

Jackson: The 21st? Didn't the Mayans next door warn us about something? I forget...

Kate: Yeah! I think you're right. What was it...?

Jackson: Oh, God! Look out!

(A giant fucking tornado appears outside the window and annihilates the city in the distance!)

(Meanwhile, in New York...)

Charlie: Laura!

Laura: What is it, Charlie?

Charlie: Do you know where my swimsuit is?

Laura: Swimsuit? It's December! Why on Earth do you need a swimsuit?

Charlie: Because there's a giant wave!!

Laura: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Krawsh! New York gets totally wiped out! It's so fucking awesome!)

(Meanwhile, in Rio de Janeiro...)

President Wilson: Why am I in Rio de Janeiro?

Carl: I don't know. It's a Roland Emmerich film.

President Wilson: Why does the world always get obliterated when a black guy's President?

Carl: Oh, you mean like Deep Impact?

President Wilson: Exactly! And what's the deal with that new KFC grilled chicken commercial? Why is everyone normal except for the Asian ninjas? That's totally fucked.

Carl: It's racist to a point where it's not even infuriating. Just really hilarious. Like Transformers 2.

President Wilson: Wait, this is an Emmerich film.

Carl: Oh yeah... Watch out!!!!!

(Boom! Fucking fog storm crushes the city! Adios, Jesus! Let's see you resurrect that statue!)

(Meanwhile, in LA...)

Generic actor: Blah blah blah.

Generic actress: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(A kickass earthquake - Oh! And fucking meteors! - just turn that shithole into dust! That'll teach 'em not to nominate me for Best Director!)

Birthest

2009-08-05T01:07:00.006-05:00

That's right, I'm more superlative than all those so-called "birthers." I'm the motherfucking birthest! And do you know why I'm the birthest? Because I'm the only person with enough chutzpah to declare, once and for all, why Barack Obama isn't truly an American. I've heard people say he's "different" and that he "doesn't understand America," but what I've yet to hear is an elaboration on those facts. Do you know why Barack Obama is different? Do you know why he doesn't "get" America? Do you know why he's not an American? Because he's black!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just blow your mind?! (Clarification: I've seen him in person, on tv, and his pictures in magazines, and he seems to be black, but until I get to touch his hair, I'm not 100% convinced. What're you hiding, Obama? Let me touch your hair!) But let's just say he's black! And I don't want to hear this "half black, half white" stuff. If one drop was good enough for Mr. Crow, it's good enough for me!

Now, some people have called folks like me "Loony Lous" (Loos?), "Loopy Lous" (Again, Loos?), and "Loud-Mouthed, Fat-Necked Lous" (Is it Loos or Lous?! I haven't the foggiest!) But I will prove to you that Barack Obama is not American and therefore does not deserve to be President!

#1: He's black. Like I said. How many black people helped write the Constitution? That's right, Pat Buchanan! Zero! (There was a black guy there, but back then he was technically only 3/5 there, so it doesn't count. I guess he tried to get some of his black friends to come, but they were busy doing stuff.)

#2: He's half Kenyan. Kenyans are black. (See Proof #1)

#3: For a time, he lived in Indonesia, which is not America. Also, Indonesians are not white. (Amendment to Proof #1: Not white = black.)

Does this look like America to you?!

#4: Chuck Norris doesn't think Barack Obama was born in America. Are you gonna argue with the guy who got his neck snapped by Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon?

#5: I'm dumb! I don't have time to "read" his books! Or to "understand" how his Certification of Live Birth is proof. Plus, his doctor was probably Hawaiian! (See Amendment to Proof #1)

#6: Umm... Jeremiah Wright?

#7: Did you forget that I'm stupid?! (See Proof #5)

#8: Holy shit! Jet packs!

#9: I saw a clearly homicidal maniac on television one morning say that Barack Obama hates white culture. You know what another word for white culture is? America!

#10: Obama gets 30 death threats a day. You're not trying to draw attention away from this birth certificate story are you, Barack Obama? I can see right through you! (Barack Obama is an African name, see Proof #2)

#11: Didn't think I'd get to 11, did you?! Seems that once again you've underestimated my stupidity! (See Proof #7)

#12: I've heard (made up) that he uses the metric system in his everyday life.

#13: He's black! Come on, people! That's scary!

There! If these 10 reasons don't convince you, nothing will! (See Proof #5)

Gary and the Captain

2009-08-04T20:14:00.003-05:00

I'm not exactly sure where this next story comes from, but I happen to StumbleUpon it and thought it needed to be shared. If it sounds implausible, here's a link to the story.

Man drives car to store?

by Franklin Marx

"I just wanted to get some milk."

Such an absurd explanation isn't believable to most, but Gary Shue stands by his story. Shue, who drives a 1998 Dodge Avenger, insists that the only reason he drove to the store was to retrieve some milk, in anticipation for the cereal he would eat the next morning. "I had a glass of milk with dinner and thought I had another gallon in the garage fridge. I didn't, so I went to pick some up."

Shue later stated that while he was at the store he, "might as well pick up some bread." So if he just went to get the milk, why'd he also get the bread? These conflicting statements haven't passed muster with his neighbors. John Rollins, who asked me to call him "Captain Redbeard", had the following to say about Shue. "I think he's a motherfucking dragon! That's what the hell I think! Hey! Stop writing this down, guy!" He immediately added, "No! Don't write that either!"

After stripping to his corset and twirling his belly hair for nearly an hour, Captain Redbeard mentioned that ever since he moved in next to Shue, he has found him more than a little strange. "If he doesn't have nothin' to hide, why won't he let me bring my collection of porcelain baby dolls over and watch as I feed them?" Excellent question, Captain.

"Who? Oh, John. Yeah, I'm not sure about that guy. Stays to himself mostly, I try not to bother him if I can help it," Shue said. Doesn't sound like much of an American answer to this reporter. Almost as un-American, according to the Captain, is Shue's fondness for his aforementioned Dodge Avenger. "I seen him outside, rubbing and spraying water all over it. Like it was some kinda furry beast!"

Is this perhaps the real reason Shue "drove" his "car" to the "store" to "purchase" "milk" the other day? Perhaps he wanted to unleash the hellish demon on the innocent, God-fearing denizens of the grocery store? Unfortunately, we may never know the truth.

Whale Wars! Of a different sort...

2009-07-29T23:21:00.002-05:00

Paul Watson, terrorist and Captain of the Sea Shepherd, is gonna be so pissed when his fellow guerrilla-nerds relay what has happened in Vancouver.

"Whale-watchers' ship strikes, kills whale"

It's not only true, it's fucking hilarious!

"Whale watchers on a cruise ship in Canada were stunned when they saw what was stuck to the ship's bow when they arrived at the port of Vancouver - a dead whale."

Now, I feel it necessary to point out that I am not pro-whale death, even though I think this is one of the funniest stories I've read all summer and I consider Paul Watson a terrorist. But the irony! And imagine the look on all those poor bastards faces! I can't help it!

"The vessel apparently struck the 70-ton fin whale in the ocean and unknowingly carried it wedged to the bow from Alaskan waters to the Canadian port. The adult whale was an estimated 70 feet long."

Okay, one of two things were going on at this point in the story.

1) The captain of the cruise ship fell asleep and the "Sapphire Princess" (Its real name) was under the control of a chimpanzee.

or

2) The ship is so enormous and was going so fast that an extra 70 tons went unnoticed.

Either way, seems pretty unsafe.

"'Basically like a train coming through, it just hits them. That bow is kind of like a spear. And once they're hit by it, it probably breaks their back, kills them almost instantly,' Craig Delahunt of Tymac Launch Service said."

Construction foreman: So how do you want us to build this whale-watching boat?

Architect: Well, I really want this baby to fly through the water. Make the bow as sharp as humanly possible!

On-hand whale expert: Uhh, guys... I'm not entirely sure-

Construction foreman: Shut up, nerd! We've got our orders!

On-hand whale expert: But the whales!

"Delahunt...said it was the third such whale-ship impalement he has seen. The skeleton from the last whale carcass is now displayed in a museum in Telegraph Cove, north of the city, he said."

What the fuck?! Are the museums building these boats as a way to ensure they're freshly stocked with whale carcasses? And why hasn't the design of the boat been modified? Paul Watson's gonna roll some heads when he backs from Japan!

I found this story in a newspaper (A what?!) but here's a link to the same story.

That's the way it is

2009-07-19T13:05:00.003-05:00

As a journalism major, I, like I believe any respectable journalism major should, hate journalism. It's drek. All of it. From Fox News to the Huffington Post, the once respected industry of journalism has become a never-ending quest for ratings and money, where partisan bickering passes for debate and the need to entertain has superseded the need to inform.

This is why I'm taking the death of Walter Cronkite so hard. I never saw him deliver the news, but I know full well his impact on journalism and how there will never be another journalist like him. That's not a condemnation of all journalists today, as I think many (Well, maybe not many.) would favor a return to Cronkite's days, when truth was held at a premium and before politics and corporations knew how to effectively manipulate the growing industry.

Anchors today cannot afford to have the courage Cronkite did, lest they be fired, but I'd at least like to see an effort. Author Glenn Greenwald wrote a fascinating piece for Salon.com, where he quoted Meet the Press's new anchor, David Gregory, defending today's journalistic practices...

"I think there are a lot of critics who think that [in the run-up to the Iraq War] . . . if we did not stand up and say this is bogus, and you're a liar, and why are you doing this, that we didn't do our job. I respectfully disagree. It's not our role."

Well, sort of.

A good journalist would not have simply said, "This is bogus" or "You're a liar," but a good journalist would have said, "Why are you doing this?" That's a little thing called "investigative reporting." And if, through the process of investigation, the journalist discovered a lie or uncovered something bogus, then it is their role, indeed their only role, to voice it. And this did happen eventually, but not during the run-up to Iraq, where the questions were most needed, only afterward, when they really didn't even fucking matter anymore. How many brave soldiers and innocent Iraqis died before you felt the need to do your job, Gregory?

The ABC News channel on YouTube posted a video honoring Walter Cronkite, and I'm not sure whether it's an anti-CBS statement or merely a reflection on the state of journalism today, but in the aforementioned video, Cronkite's famous Vietnam analysis is referred to as a "stunning break from journalistic objectivity." Bullshit.

After returning from Vietnam, Cronkite reported the facts. He said that when faced with the evidence, "it seems now more certain than ever, that the bloody experience of Vietnam is to end in a stalemate." Whoever narrated the ABC News video clearly doesn't know what "journalistic objectivity" means.

If I'm on a pogo stick in the middle of a NASCAR track as a dozen cars come barreling down on top of me at 140 mph, it's not biased to report, "It seems now more certain than ever, that Alex is about to have one hell of a bloody experience." A stunning break from objectivity would be, "Jeff Gordon's in for a whole mess of trouble if he thinks he can stand up to the masterful pogo-sticking of that young man!"

Objective reporting doesn't mean the outcome has to be objective, it means that during the process of information gathering, you've not left one stone unturned that will help you make an educated, reasonable decision. Even a guy dumb enough to pogo-stick during a NASCAR race knows that.

Uwe won't Bollieve me

2009-07-03T23:01:00.002-05:00

Uwe "Don't pronounce my first name [You]" Boll, the man sometimes referred to as "Michael Bay without a budget," is a "filmmaker" who has brought us such video game adaptation classics as BloodRayne, House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne II: Deliverance. He's also apparently making an upcoming "movie" entitled Rampage, whose plot, according to its IMDB page, breaks down thusly...

"A man with a thirst for revenge builds a full body armor (suit) from Kevlar and goes on a killing spree."

Direct-to-video gold, I'm sure.

Regardless, the man who made you hate video games is about to make you hate something entirely different, something you never thought you'd hate even in your wildest, most xenophobic dreams. Darfur.

That's right, the man incapable of applying any semblence of human touch to a film is making a movie about the genocide in Darfur. Side note: My research indicates that the UN believes the situation in Darfur is but a conflict, as "genocidal intent appears to be missing." If you ask me, 176 pages isn't enough to make that case.

It would be an incredible feat to bore with Darfur, but I think Uwe Boll is just the "person" to do it! If you thought The Passion of the Christ glorified violence, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

But wait a minute, perhaps that's exactly what Darfur needs. Just 120 minutes of Boll's pure, exploitative brutality to scare the holy hell out of everyone. Remember how Christianity (and anti-Semitism) became popular after the release of The Passion? Well, get ready, Darfur, people are about to start caring about you! And only six and a half years after the fact!

Thanks, Uwe Boll!

I'm waiting...

2009-06-25T17:52:00.008-05:00

So, Sarah Palin, you don't like people messing with pictures of Trig, eh? Well, how about this one, you moron? Now your son has Zach Hill Syndrome!

I can't believe he's out of our lives

2009-06-25T17:34:00.003-05:00

Michael Jackson - Thriller
Uploaded by hushhush112 - Watch more music videos, in HD!

When Ed McMahon passed away, I knew at least 2 more celebrities were going with him. Didn't think MJ would be one of them. I'll always remember the music above all else.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

Transformerly interested

2009-06-24T18:08:00.004-05:00

This is Skids. He's a robot, not a human. So how could he possibly be racist?

Just ask Michael Bay, whose response to the accusation that Skids, and his partner Mudflap, are but crude, ethnic caricatures is as rational as the creation and publication of the characters in the first place.

"I purely did it for kids."

It's pretty funny he says that, cause the other day my nephews of 5 and 2 were telling me how disappointed they were that in the original Transformers, Jazz wasn't as racially offensive as he could have been.

"If only he'd have had a gold tooth," they told me. "And it should've been mentioned that he's illiterate. It only makes sense that the robot with the most stereotypical black-guy cadence and mannerisms can't read!"

But hey, they're not racist. Some of their best friends are robots.

Now, I know the reviews haven't been kind to Revenge of the Fallen (Like this, for instance. Or this! Hilarious!) but that's only so far! I haven't read Rusty DePass's review of the film. Nor have I read any reviews from the Tennessee GOP. Plus, when was the last time any Michael Bay film was received well? (BRAWSH! KRAW! KRAAAAW!!)

So let's relax, Professor Todd Boyd and Assistant Professor Allyson Nadia Field. Couldn't it be that you're simply naysaying? Naysaying everything Michael Bay creates?! Just because you've studied and read about and teach these kinds of things doesn't mean you know any better than a 15-year-old fanboy who really, really wants to see Megan Fox run in slow motion. Cause I've been in the forums, and he says robots can't be racist! He says, Mr. Boyd and Mrs. Field, that "your jus jelous cuz your gay!"

He also says that "fukkin' megan fox would be way cooler then masterbating to her pics online." You gonna argue with that one, professors? I sure as hell won't.

I can only come back with this

2009-06-19T23:01:00.006-05:00

It's the 2009 date rape summer anthem! The statement made at 2:29 is the truest thing I've heard all year.

The Viral Virus

2009-05-28T01:51:00.017-05:00

There's always viral videos you haven't seen. And if you have seen them all, then fuck off the Internet and go to the mall or something. Play some basketball. Just get the hell out of your house and call your fr- and go make some friends.

Anyway, if you're interested in staying up past your bedtime, go ahead and look through the whole 100. It's not a complete list, in my meaningless opinion, but it is still rather enjoyable. Here are some to look forward to,,.

#96 - Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger
#93 - Leeroy Jenkins
#92 - Lightning Bolt!
#91 - The Average Homeboy (Denny "Blazin'" Hazen)
#76 - Kittens Inspired by Kittens
#73 - Powerthirst
#72 - David Elsewhere
#71 - G.I. Joe PSAs - Pork Chop Sandwiches
#69 - Samwell - "What What (In the Butt)"
#51 - The Landlord
#49 - Frozen Grand Central
#46 - Daft Hands
#43 - Fat Kid on a Roller Coaster
#33 - "Shining" Trailer Remix
#32 - Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama
#26 - Exploding Whales
#18 - "I Like Turtles!"
#7 - David After Dentist
#3 - Grape Lady Falls
#2 - Christian the Lion
#1 - Star Wars Kid

Missing in action:
Other G.I. Joe PSAs (Body Massage, Little Hats, Help Computer)
Other Improv Everywhere videos (Suicide Jumper, Slo-Mo Home Depot)
Other remixed trailers (Sleepless in Seattle, Brokeback to the Future)
Leprechaun remix
"A More Perfect Union"
Sword mishap
Star Wars according to a 3-year-old
Fun Japanese Prank
More G.I. Joe PSAs (Camping, Sacked, most other G.I. Joe PSAs)
Connie Talbot (Suck it, Susan Boyle!)
The Juggernaut
Unforgivable

Twitty twisted

2009-05-14T23:10:00.013-05:00

Here's a rough history of social networking, based on my limited understanding/interest of it...

AIM
MySpace
Facebook

and now, the coup de grâce...

Ugh. Where do I start?

"Coup de grâce" is literally defined as a deathblow or death shot administered to end the suffering of one mortally wounded. The "one" in this case being the English language. Social networking and "funingo" have finally dissolved into the blatherstrom of bullshit that is Twitter. Now, I have friends on Twitter that may one day read this post, so I have to phrase carefully. I want to be stern, aggressive, but not insulting and condescending. They have to know that this isn't a personal attack, merely a condemnation of technology's stupefaction of the American people.

Hmm, let's see... Ok, I think I got it.

What in the blue fuck is wrong with you?! Nothing you have ever Twatted is important. Nothing. Nothing you have ever Twatted is relevant. Nothing. Nothing you have or ever will Twat will be profound. None of it. You or anyone else. Twitter is for celebrities, desperate corporations, desperate celebrities, losers, and, of course, desperate losers. That's it. It is the last vestige of a once illustrious language. A language that gave us such resplendent words as coagulate, superfluous, motherfucker, and resplendence.

What's that you say? "A blogger criticizing Twitterers?" Well, first of all, jerk, I'm a writer who's just too real to get hired. Too real or too talentless and lazy, I can never remember which. And secondly, while I agree that most blogs are dribble-drabble, at least I have the decency not to numerate unnecessarily, nor note nonsensical narration.

But my main problem with Twitter is not that it's a godless abomination of language, but that at 140 characters, most messages that have a potential level of interest cannot be fully explored. Thus, my new anti-Twitter series is born.

What was Twatted:
@ the mall. jus copped the new tori amos. glad there wasnt another sodomy checkpoint @ dELiA*s!

The story Twitter couldn't cover:
Holy shitballs! My friend Donny just told me that the new Tori Amos CD is out! It's her latest release since 2007's American Doll Posse and supposedly her best work since 2001's Grammy nominated Strange Little Girls! Ugh, I can't believe how underrated that album is! I mean, yeah, it was released a week after 9/11 so I guess we had more important things to be concerned about, but seriously, you know what I'll never forget? How awesome Tori Amos is! I have to pull into the nearest store and buy it. The mall! Perfect! Hey! Hurry up, asshole! Turn! If I'm not listening to Tori Amos in 15 minutes I will choke myself!

Man, it's busy today. Is that lady pulling out? Excellent! Oh fuck, it's a handicapped space. No, you know what? I don't give a shit. The retards are walking today; I need some motherfucking piano rock. Okay, slow down. No need for me to look like an ass running through the mall. Oh no, Abercrombie store, gotta hold my breath. Dammit, they got me! *Cough! Cough!* Excuse me. Okay, let's see here, I think I have to go right. Wait, what the fuck? Sam Goody? That's still a place? ...... Screw it, I needs my Tori.

Psh, the jackass at the register had the nerve to give me a look when I asked him where the new Tori Amos CD was. At least I don't work in a fucking Sam Goody, prick. $26?! For a CD? More like Sam "Baddy" if you ask me! Haha, that was pretty good. It just came to me. Hmm, what's worse, paying twice what a CD costs or wasting another five minutes walking to Barnes & Noble?

Here's your cash, nerd! I bet this guy sleeps with butterflies. A bag? Why would I need a bag? Just gimme the CD! Oh wow, I can actually feel the power of this CD in my hands. Is it pulsating?! No, that's just my heart racing. Oh crap, I completely forgot about the new exit procedure! Is he there? Phew, he's gone. I can pop open these dulcet tones ASAP! Last week the mall apparently hired some new security guard who stands outside of dELiA*s. I guess there's no dress code either cause he had smudges all over his face, a bushy, grey beard, a plaid vest and sweatpants, and he smelled like the circus. He could've been undercover, I'm not sure.

Anyway, due to the increase in shoplifting, the new guard's job is to take customers behind the dumpster in the neighboring alley and give them a thorough cavity search. Turns out, earlier in the day he'd hurt his hands and had to use the sodomy technique. He must've been fresh out of the academy or a former government worker or something because I asked some security guards at the airport and they'd never even heard of the sodomy technique. So at least I got searched by a well-trained officer. I don't even know why the mall hired him. Who smuggles out mall merchandise in their ass? Maybe I'm just really naïve. Ooh, I gotta Twat about my new purchase! All my friends will be so jealous!

Hey, where's my car?

Yikes, Sykes!

2009-05-10T12:43:00.002-05:00

Yeah, Obama did well, but Wanda Sykes (not surprisingly) killed!

Oh, stop. No, seriously. Please. Stop.

2009-04-29T17:16:00.004-05:00

I'd like to talk about Barack Obama's first 100 days in office, but analyzing a president's first 100 days is arbitrary and meaningless. Plus, since Obama's black and all, I'm not sure I could talk about his presidency thus far without racializing the hell out of it. CNN? Would you like to try?

Kyra Phillips: Awwwwwwwww, shiiiiiiiiit! We back, y'all! And we talkin' 'bout Obama's first hun'ed days. Yo, T! What grade you gonna drop on 'em?

T.J. Holmes: An A mu'fuckin' plus! Brotha got swag, Ky.

Kyra: No white boys got swag?

T.J.: Naw, naw, naw. I ain't sayin' all that, Ky. What I'm sayin' is the brotha's not afraid to be hip and cool and hug a couple mu'fuckas, ya know?

Kyra: Brotha's mad hip!

T.J.: Check it. He collects comic books, dances like a drunk grandpa at a wedding, and now the brotha's got a Portuguese Water Dog!

Kyra: Plus, he's the sickest mu'fucka I ever seen in the alley, son!

T.J.: Brotha's just like Shaft!

Kyra: Ey! Can we get some Isaac Hayes in this mu'fucka?!

T.J.: Yo, cause I think he's a good president an' all that shit, but it's like, he's a completely different kind of human being than past presidents, know what I'm sayin'?

Kyra: An' you kinda the same way, T. Cause I've heard people say that cause you black and laid back that you a real brotha.

T.J.: Aw, you know me. I just love huggin' mu'fuckas! Except that Rick Sanchez bastard. Mu'fucka had the nerve to say us doin' this story was ridiculous.

Kyra: Ridiculous? Hell naw, man! Me asking a 12-year-old boy with no arms and no family if he understood that Operation Iraqi Freedom was a mission of liberation and not imperialism was ridiculous! Really, really fuckin' ridiculous!

T.J.: Retarded even! But see, that's what I love about you, Ky! I love the fact that you ain't hung up on jouralistic integrity an' shit.

Kyra: Same to you, T.

T.J.: Yo, you wanna hug this mu'fucka out?

Kyra: Let's awkwardly hug this mu'fucka out! Peace y'all!

iPhonies

2009-04-20T16:29:00.029-05:00

The iPhone - a revolution that fits into your pocket. (Not unlike my copy of the Communist Manifesto.) And yet, Apple's technology is ever-increasing, with a constant stream of new applications that allows users to personalize their iPhone. The company's ultimate hope, I can only assume, is to create a one-to-one experience that makes the consumer so Apple dependent and Apple obsessed that any other computer and/or phone seems obsolete. So what's new this week? In an effort to modernize an outdated party made up of people with outdated ideas, Apple has created the Republican iPhone. Let's take a look at some of the apps!

What to eat!

What to drink!

Sexy photographs!

A world map to remind you of all the places terrorists live!

Remember how you felt when Dale Earnhardt Jr. lost the big race!

A reminder that science is totally lame!

See what your relatives are up to!

Challenging word puzzles!

Complex arithmetic!

A reminder of what you hate to do.

A reminder of what you really hate to do.

A reminder to hate fascism. No, socialism. No, tyranny. No, black people.

How to fix Global Warming!

Your answer to everything!

Relive the good old days!

A reminder of what you pretend to be. Christian!

A reminder of what it sounds like when you complain!

iPhone even remembers what object you used to beat your wife last night!
Cause you probably don't!

Say that again?

2009-04-16T20:21:00.002-05:00

If Zac Efron...

Will eventually turn into Matthew Perry...

Do you think it works the other way around?

In other words, if a muscly young heartthrob can turn into a garden-variety dweeb, can an average-looking goofball...

Turn into a Hunkasaurus Rex?

I don't know how the whole white-to-black thing works, but magic is magic, right?

IYRTIWKY

2009-04-05T22:35:00.003-05:00

As a birthday gift from me to you, enjoy this ridiculous website that once again proves old people are clueless when it comes to the Internets.

CHFAFL

I believe in atheists

2009-04-03T17:14:00.007-05:00

Atheists, you'd feel bad for 'em if they weren't all hellbound sinners. I'm joking of course (as far as you know) but being the empathetic person that I am, and a marketing whiz, I thought I'd offer a great bit of advice to those aligned with the Allied Atheist Allegiance - the greatest of all atheist organizations as it is the most logical. Even though for some ungodly reason it's run by sea otters...

A majority of Americans identify themselves, at least partially, as belonging to one religion or another. As a result, they absolutely hate atheists. Hate them so much! Atheists are always going on and on, "Ooh! I don't believe in God!" Or, "God? How absurd!" Is it any wonder they're lonely, friendless retards? But fear not, heathens! I know how you, too, can bask in the wondrous glow of smiles from people who genuinely care whether you live or die. And the answer is, per usual, the devil!

To be fair, I can't be certain that I'm the first person who has figured this out, but I'll take credit for it anyway. If atheists would redirect their efforts from pronouncing the non-existence of God, to the non-existence of the Devil, just imagine how many places they could go and not be ostracized! Think about it. "I don't believe in the Devil. The Devil is nothing to me!" Even Fundamentalist Christians could get behind that logic!

You're welcome, atheism.

Beyond help

2009-03-27T20:49:00.002-05:00

Look at her. Waving... Smiling... Not being bitter and angry at the world, when we all know she has every right to be! Where does she get off?! My legs work perfectly fine, yet I'm the most cynical human being I know. And I fear the cynicism may be progressing. Let me paint you a picture.

I'm sitting on the bus, very sexily, when a girl I've never before seen on this particular route boards. Let's call her "David" for no good reason. She sits catty-corner to me in the very front row of seats that's about to folded up due to a wheelchair-bound girl who is boarding. This girl I have seen on the bus, she plays the cello I think. She needs a name, too. Let's see, she might be a big Tolkien fan, so I'll just pick a random LotR name. Umm... "Legolas."

Now, I'm all for giving up the front seats to the handicapped, elderly, children, and menacing Panamanians (Which is all of them, am I right?!) but David decided not only to get up, but offered to help the bus driver fold up the seats! When she failed at this task, she went to the door and asked Legolas if she needed any help! Come on! Who is she trying to impress? Obviously it wasn't me. My first reaction was rage. Blind rage.

Clearly, I am the more handicapped.

ShamPow!

2009-03-27T16:24:00.012-05:00

It's only the end of March, but we already have a candidate for "Funniest Story of the Year."

"Vince Shlomi, ShamWow Pitchman, Arrested for Battering Hooker"

That guy looks like a dinosaur.

Hilarious, yet disgusting update!

I don't like pizza that much!

2009-03-26T17:45:00.008-05:00

"End Child Slavery!

Free Pizza!"

This very real sidewalk chalk advertisement currently adorns several slabs of concrete here on IU's campus and it made me laugh out loud the second I read it. One of the reasons it's funny is because I know it's not a joke. Rather, it's a serious attempt to discuss the atrocities of child slavery while offering pizza as an incentive to sign the group's petition and/or donate money and/or whatever. Because honestly, who jokes about child slavery? Well, I do. And my friends do. Here are some of the funnier lines that have been exchanged. (Names have been omitted for fear of ostracism. Or getting into Heaven. Whichever.)

-Heck yeah! I love free pizza!
-Yeah, but I'm pro child slavery so I'd feel bad eating their pizza.

-Maybe you're just a guy who wants to liberate pizza, not kids.
-Yeah, that's right! I mean, do kids suffer under the torturous regime of pepperoni? I think not.
-Definitely not. You gotta choose your cause.

-I would rather have blood diamonds than free pizza.
-Hahahahaha, I want to go around adding that to the ads!
-Maybe Pizza is the name of a child slave.
-Hahahaha, you're killing me! You are the king of child slavery jokes!

-The only way it could've been worse is if it was "End World Hunger!"
-Or maybe "End Child Prostitution!"
-What about "End the Genocide in Darfur!"
-That's not over yet?

Hell's Barnyard

2009-03-25T15:34:00.006-05:00

It's been a month and a half since I last posted. With that long a wait, I can't come back with just any old entry. No, it has to be brilliant. It has to make God smile.

Well, I don't know how to write anything that profound, but I do have a really, really stupid idea.

Hell's Barnyard

Farmer RAMsey: Alright, everyone, listen up! Mr. Frederick and his animals are coming over for dinner tonight. If we expect to do proper business with him, we're going to have to impress him. Are we clear?

Chicken: But Farmer RAMsey, Mr. Frederick is a fowl human being. We shouldn't be doing business with him.

RAMsey: Shut the cluck up, chicken! Did I give you free range to say whatever you want?

Chicken: No, Farmer RAMsey.

RAMsey: Then let's get to work. Anyone, ideas for the meal? Let's go around the horns. Cow!

Cow: I make the best lamb chops on the planet, Farmer RAMsey. I eat them all the time!

RAMsey: You fat, arrogant cow! Let's moove on. Duck!

Duck: Filet mignon, Farmer RAMsey!

RAMsey: Have you been hitting the quackpipe, duck?! We can't afford that! Horse!

Horse: It would behoove us to do something classy. I say duck à l'orange, Farmer RAMsey.

RAMsey: That's a foalish idea! It'd be a nightmare! Anybody care to pony up a better idea?

Sheep: Aside from the lamp chops, all of these ideas have been sheer brilliance, Farmer RAMsey. I have yet to hear a baad idea!

RAMsey: You filthy cudnt. If I hear anymore of your woolshit, I'll kick you off this farm myself! Thanks for mutton... Pig! What do you say?

Pig: Uh, maybe... No. How about... No. Oh, I know! No, wait...

RAMsey: You're boaring me, pig! Choose!

Pig: I just can't destyed.

RAMsey: You can't deswine, huh? Not bacon any progress? Well, you've hogged enough time already! Dog!

Dog: This is a ruff decision. We need to at leash consider all possibilities as valid before choosing.

RAMsey: Oh, throw me a fucking bone, dog!

Dog: What about human?

RAMsey: Are you mad, dog?

Cat: Human? That sounds purrfect!

RAMsey: All of you want to serve a human, human?!

All: Hay! That sounds wonderful!

RAMsey: Alright, but nobody tell Mr. Frederick what it is. Now go and get Mr. Jones!

The Da ColAlex Code

2009-02-10T22:00:00.006-06:00

(click me!)

The Da Colbert Code and I picked the same 5 Oscar winners!

An historic occasion

2009-02-05T21:05:00.002-06:00

Last Saturday, I found out that I was passed over for a job I wanted working for an huge corporation in an heck of a nice city, Denver, Colorado. Needless to say, I almost had an heart attack when I heard the news. I thought I had the job for sure!

I had flown in early enough to get an haircut and brush up on the company's past at a local bookstore, only to find out they didn't have an history book with the information I needed! I asked an high-ranking staff member if they knew where I could find any figures or facts on the organization, but the jerk just turned up the volume to an hip-hop song on a nearby radio! Luckily, before the interview was conducted, an head of the division to which I was applying gave me a guided tour and explained everything I would need to know. The interview only took a hour and I stayed at an hotel for the night. In the lobby, you'll never guess what I found! A copy of the book I had previously been searching for! It was an hilarious moment.

Real motherfuckin' shit, motherfucker!

2009-01-27T23:44:00.008-06:00

After a good friend Dugg my ode to Jeff Dunham's so-called comedy, I got a lot of angry responses from white people who either don't understand comedy, or didn't bother to read the whole thing. (Although it was probably both.) Not that I blame them entirely. The entry was quite long and was crafted with cleverness, something to which Jeff Dunham fans are not accustomed. But what I think it was that made them angry most of all, is that I hit a little too close to home. To repair my relationship with these ex, one-time readers, I thought I'd criticize the comedy of someone they most likely hate. Katt Williams. This will, of course, be the uncensored version, as any censored airings of Katt Williams' comedy are virtually unwatchable. Well, even more so. Without further ado, I present Katt Williams reviewing Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back.

Warning: Graphic language (Even for me)

What the fuck is up, motherfuckers?! You're goddamned right! Now, I just watched this goddamn Star Wars sequel, the Empire's Strikin' Bitches, and this motherfuckin' shit was the most gangsta ass shit that I have ever seen in my goddamned life! Motherfuckers start out in this cold ass motherfuckin' planet called Hoth. Hoth? Bitch, are you serious?! Look around you! You know goddamned well all you see is ice. A motherfuckin' ice mountain. A motherfuckin' icy tundra. Even the motherfuckin' ice got motherfuckin' ice on it! And the only ice you can't motherfuckin' see, is the ice that's covered in snow, motherfucker! Goddamn! Hoth?! That's too close to hot, bitch, that's too close to hot. And it's so motherfuckin' cold outside, the motherfuckin' Tauntaun froze to death! Ain't that a bitch! I started gettin' cold just watchin' this motherfucker! Sittin' in my seat, shiverin' and shit.

So I go into the kitchen and get some some warm ass cocoa, and the next thing I know motherfuckin' elephant robots are shootin' some shit up! That's right, motherfucker, elephant robots! Fuck you, I know what the fuck I saw! And I saw some goddamned elephant robots shootin' motherfuckin' lasers outta their motherfuckin' tusks! Now, the rebels took down some of them bitches, but it's really just too much to ask for motherfuckin' regular ass people to stop a herd of goddamn elephant robots. That's just too much to ask, motherfucker, just too much to ask.

Now, the smart motherfuckers like Han and Luke just got the fuck out, and that's exactly what the fuck I'd have done. And Luke was cool too, just flyin' all casually and shit to the Degobah system even though he didn't know where the motherfucker was. Fuckin' R2 in the back just beepin' and shit. And he's just goin' cause a motherfuckin' ghost told him to! That's a believin' motherfucker, right there, goddamnit. But Han Solo, that's a real motherfuckin' gangsta right there. His motherfuckin' hyperdrive wasn't workin' and that motherfucker's brilliant goddamn idea was to fly into a motherfuckin' asteroid field. He said, "Fuck this, motherfuckers, you ain't catchin' me! I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker before I let your helmet-wearin' ass and your old, wrinkly dad's ass catch me!"

And back in the motherfuckin' swamps of Degobah, Luke was chillin' with this green midget motherfucker who was cool as shit! I was sittin' there thinking, "Goddamn! How can a motherfucker be this motherfuckin' tiny and not have a motherfuckin' Napoleon complex?" This tiny green motherfucker littler than my motherfuckin' ass and you know I got a goddamn Napoleon motherfuckin' complex!

So Han motherfuckin' Solo and that curly-haird bitch and that goddamned ape motherfucker fly to this suspendin' motherfuckin' city over the planet Bespin called Cloud motherfuckin' City. Just cause the motherfucker's in the sky you call that motherfucker a cloud? Bitch, that ain't no goddamned cloud! That's a motherfuckin' flyin' ass thumb tack! And Lando Calrissian... Goddamn, Lando motherfuckin' Calrissian... Bitch-made motherfucker, right there. A bitch-made, punk ass, dirty, rotten, no-good givin'-Han's-ice-cream-frozen-ass-to-Boba-Fett motherfucker! Just up in the sky givin' black folks a bad name and shit. Fuck Malcolm and Minister Farrakhan, white people scared of motherfuckin' black folks cause of Lando's bitch ass. Ask your white friends at the job if they'll come over and help your black ass move. Ask 'em! Betcha those motherfuckers'll walk away mumblin' shit about some goddamned carbonite.

Then finally, Luke's bitch ass shows up, tryin' to help and shit, but this motherfucker gets into a game of motherfuckin' flashlight tag with that goddamn Wesley Snipes robot motherfucker. I know that's flashlight tag, motherfucker. I played that too, goddamnit, I played that too. And after that helmet-wearin' motherfucker cuts Luke's goddamn arm off, he's got the balls to tell him he's the motherfucker's father! Goddamn! Luke's ass sittin' there goin' "Mo-ther-fuck-er... Bitch, if you really my goddamn father, you better have some motherfuckin' payments comin' my way. I know that goddamned much!" Four motherfuckin' stars! And I'm out this bitch!

Preliminary picks: Oscars 2009

2009-01-22T20:52:00.006-06:00

What happened in 2008? Where were my words? I remember Diablo Cody. I remember the Coen brothers. I remember... Well, I guess that was all I remember. Oscar nom run down!

Best Actor:
Brad Pitt has an outside shot, but he's not going to outduel Sean Penn or Mickey Rourke. Hollywood loves a comeback, so I'll take The Ram over Harvey Dent. I mean Harvey Milk.

Best Actress:
Anne Hathaway made Bride Wars, which is an Eddie Murphy/Norbit situation. So she's out. Gran Torino (although not nominated) will overshadow Eastwood's lesser work of 2008, Changeling, so Jolie's out. But that's okay, she probably shouldn't have been nominated. Streep continues her dominance, nominated for the 15th time, and she's got a shot having only won twice in all those nominations, added to the fact that it's a weak year for this category. Melissa Leo, perhaps? She was also in Righteous Kill last year. So no. I'll take Kate Winslet in The Reader. I'm not confident about this pick, but Oprah likes her boobs, so what can you do?

Best Supporting Actor:
Robert Downey Jr. gets nominated for blackface! Congratulations once again, Barack Obama! Hoffman in Capote didn't deserve to beat Ledger in Brokeback in 2006 and that's definitely not going to happen again. If anybody knew who Michael Shannon was he might get a vote or two, but it'll eventually come down to Brolin and Ledger and Ledger will win. Not because he's dead, but because he created a timeless movie villain in his portrayal of the Joker. R.I.P.

Best Supporting Actress:

Good grief, I have no idea. I imagine the Doubt votes will cancel each other out, so that leaves Cruz, Henson, and Tomei. As good as TC²B² was, I see this film getting overlooked in all categories except Visual Effects. (Although it should win for Best Adapted Screenplay since the original by Fitzgerald sucked so badly.) I'll take Cruz in an upset. Why not? It gives me a chance to look through Penélope Cruz pictures.

Best Picture:
Whoever wins Best Director always has the inside track for winning Best Picture. I'll take Danny Boyle and Slumdog over Gus Van Sant and Milk. This is a dangerous pick, though. Hollywood is still upset over Prop 8 (Prop GAY-te!) and Mr. Milk and company could take some folks by surprise.

Snubs: Aaron Eckhart, Bruce Springsteen, Revolutionary Road, Cate Blanchett probably, and NOT Gran Torino (I'm sorry, but the whole idea is trite) nor The Dark Knight, which was unwillingly stuffed into the "comic book movie" genre and therefore was never going to get serious attention anyway.

Go WALL•E!

Inaugu-bration 2009

2009-01-20T21:01:00.002-06:00

I can't say much more than I already have.

I did enjoy Obama flubbing the Oath of Office, originally thinking it was the first time I had ever seen him nervous. However, apparently it was Justice Roberts who screwed up, reordering the oath, which then threw off Obama. Too bad, for a second there I thought President Obama was human. "President Obama" - damn that feels good.

See you in D.C.

2009-01-18T15:08:00.002-06:00

I've been waiting so long for this! (The montage and the end of the Bush presidency.)

Flicker of Foolishness

2008-12-13T17:30:00.011-06:00

In Comedy Central's tradition of promoting racial stereotypes by keeping ignorant fools on television as much as possible, Jeff Dunham is getting yet another comedy special. I was one of a lucky, very select, very angry group of people who caught a sneak peek and I'd like to share it with you. Savor this post, finals and vacation will be keeping me occupied for awhile.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for a ventriloquist with aaaaaaverage ability, Jeeeeeeeeff Dunham!

(audience hurts hands clapping so loudly, show is delayed 15 minutes for first aid)

Jeff Dunham: Thank you, everyone. Thank you very much. My first guest comes to us all the way from Mexico! Don't tell Lou Dobbs he's here, or I'll have to create another hackneyed stereotype! Give it up for José Jalapeño on a Stick!

(audience, with regained use of hands, claps loudly once more)

José Jalapeño: Oh, gracias, Heff. I so appy to bee eere.

JD: How are you, José? Feeling well?

JJ: Oh no, señor. I tink I ate too many churros.

JD: Oh, I see. Stomach a little too full?

JJ: No, señor, my steeck a little too full.

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 2.5 on the Richter scale)

JD: You gotta take better care of yourself, José. Maybe try working out some more.

JJ: Sí, señor Heff. I try running de utter day, but I just heet de wall.

JD: Oh, really? Run a little too far and your body just shut down, huh?

JJ: No, Heff, I ran into de border fence. I din't tink you guys put dat up yet.

(audience laughs so hard it collectively loses 6,000 pounds)

JD: So does that mean you're here illegally, José?

JJ: No, señor, I eere a legally.

(audience can't hold in laughter, starts to snicker waiting for the payoff)

JD: Wait, legally or illegally?

JJ: Can you no eere me, Heff? I eere a legally.

JD: So illegally.

JJ: No, a legally. (Jeff throws up his hand and rolls his eyes.)

(audience can't take it anymore, bursts out laughing; one guy laughs so hard he pukes)

JD: Let me ask another way, are you a legal citizen?

JJ: Sí, I am.

JD: Okay, good. So you're a legal citizen of America.

JJ: Oh, no. I legal citizen of México. I in US illegally.

(audience doesn't hear joke, too busy laughing from last one)

JD: You probably shouldn't say that out loud, José.

JJ: Lo siento, Heff. I hurt you ears? I talk more quieter.

JD: No, I mean you might get deported. You won't get to stay in America.

JJ: Don't wurry, Heff. If problem come, I go leeve wit my cuzin in California. He wurk in Taco Bell.

JD: Uh, he's a jalapeño too, right? Are you sure he, uh, works there?

JJ: Oh, sí. They say he "sauce special." I always knew he so special.

(audience, fresh from its trip to a local drugstore for lozenges, laughs hysterically)

JD: Um, I think he's in trouble, José.

JJ: No, he's on a steeck.

(audience shakes arena with laughter, whistling, and applause; startles a woman outside)

JD: Thanks, José. Hope everything turns out well for you and your cousin. Let's bring out my next guest, an old, angry, white guy! It's Walter!

(half of audience creams its pants, the other half shows restraint by thinking of 9/11 tragedy)

Walter: Eh, what do you want, hack?

JD: Hack? Haven't you seen how popular I am on the Internet and on Comedy Central?

W: What's the Internet?

JD: You know, the world wide web? Computers?

W: That's not a gay thing is it?

(audience laughs uproariously, except for one guy named Dave who is texting his friend "I'M AT THE JEFF DUNHAM SHOW!"; his friend now hates him and decides to fuck Dave's wife, Karen; Karen also hates Dave)

JD: So, Walter, did you keep an eye on the election this year? What'd you think?

W: Well, I was disappointed when McCain didn't win.

JD: Oh, you really liked his policies, huh?

W: Hell no! I'm disappointed cause he's an old coot like me!

JD: Oh, I see. So you don't have an opinion on something like, clean coal for example?

W: Clean coal?! I don't care about clean coal! At my age I'm more worried about a clean colon!

(amidst the laughter and applause, Jeff Dunham is presented the Lifetime Achievement Award)

W: Yeah, us old guys gotta stick together.

JD: So I take it you don't care much for a young guy like Barack Obama then?

W: Oh, he's not so bad. Everybody thinks an old timer like me can't take to Obama because he's black, but I got no problem with the blacks.

JD: Is that right?

W: Yes, that's right! Why, when I want my luggage carried or my shoes shined, I always go to the black guy first!

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 3.8 on the Richter scale)

JD: Come on, Walter. You can't say that!

W: What?! They're good at it!

(audience agrees with light clapping and polite nods)

JD: Times have changed, it's a different world out there.

W: Oh, you're right about that. I went to buy a newspaper yesterday and the vendor asked me what it was!

(audience doesn't understand joke, laughs anyway)

JD: So how's your wife doing, Walter?

W: She's not dead yet, if that's what you mean.

(audience gets that joke, starts to feel better)

JD: That's a pretty mean thing to say.

W: That's my pet name for her, "Pretty Mean Thing."

(audience laughs, appreciative the jokes are easy to understand once again)

JD: There's some pretty good food backstage, Walter, did you get to try any of it?

W: Of course I did, idiot.

JD: Well, how was it?

W: It tasted like ass, but at least it's not my wife's cooking.

(with self-esteem fully restored, audience returns to laughing obnoxiously)

JD: The chips were great, huh?

W: I didn't get to try any! Some green dildo on a stick ate all the salsa!

(audience first laughs at the word "dildo," then realizes it's a reference to José Jalapeño and laughs some more)

JD: Thanks, Walter. Hope everything turns out well for you and your wife. My next guest just got back from the track where he found a tire. A spare tire! (Jeff illustrates a beer belly with his hands.) Let's welcome Bubba J!

(Larry the Cable Guy fans rush in from outside, the ushers are too afraid to intervene)

Bubba J: Howdy, y'all! Tarnation theys lots uh folks in here!

JD: Well, people love my simple comedy, Bubba. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to manipulate the American public. All you have to do is hide behind a gimmick, spoon-feed them a bunch of racial stereotypes, and watch the money come rolling in!

(audience not listening, too busy anticipating NASCAR joke)

BJ: Gee, sounds like lots uh work. Maybe I'll jus go on back to the car racin. Only thing I gotta worry bout there is drinkin my beer and not spillin my beer!

(audience accepts the beer joke, laughs until it forgets about wanting a NASCAR joke)

JD: Thanks, Bubba. Hope everything turns out well for you at the racetrack. Our next visitor is here from beyond the grave; a grave which he hopes to one day blow up because it represents America's oppression of soil. It's Achmed the Dead Terrorist!

(Even thoughts of the Holocaust can't stop everyone in the audience from jizzing their pants)

Achmed the Dead Terrorst: Helloooo, Jeff. You realize no one spells "Ahmed" with a C, don't you? Why, you're even more evil than I.

JD: I don't think I'm necessarily evil, I just––

ADT: Trust me, Jeff. You're worse than Joseph fucking Stalin. You are to comedy what Carlos Mencia is to comedy.

JD: I'm not that––

ADT: Yes. Yes, you are. Accept it. And if you're not going to accept it, at least write some better material. A tablecloth with Down Syndrome could piss out a wittier hour of television.

JD: Uh, I don't... I don't think that made any sense.

ADT: It doesn't have to. I'm a terrorist!

(audience stops crying, returns to laughter, which eventually leads to more tears)

JD: So are you in the holiday spirit, Achmed?

ADT: Actually, I am. As much as I hate your American commercialism, Macy's has sales good enough to die for!

(audience is silent for a few seconds, then starts to laugh)

ADT: I don't understand your Christmas carols, though. They're different than ours.

JD: Oh yeah? How so?

ADT: Well, "Deck the Halls" for example.

JD: Terrorists sing it differently?

ADT: Yes. Our goes, "Death to the infidels,
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La!"

(audience erupts in laughter, registers 5.9 on the Richter scale)

JD: Gee, I guess the crowd liked your version better.

ADT: Yes, I blew them all away.

(fearing death by laughter, the audience begs Dunham for a break)

JD: You ever get tired of being a terrorist?

ADT: No, but I get tired of having sex with the 72 virgins.

(some lady coughs up a lung and dies; the paramedics would've helped, but they were laughing too hard)

JD: Really? How could you get tired of that?

ADT: There are only so many explosions a dead terrorist can handle before he needs to relax.

(miraculously, the fits of laughter kill no more people)

JD: Thanks, Achmed. Hope everything turns out well for you in the afterlife. Well, folks, it's time to bring out my final, and easily my most racist character, Sweet Daddy Dee!

(even the black person at the show can't stop laughing at the sight of the made-for-a-minstrel-show puppet)

Sweet Daddy Dee: What it is, Jeff?

JD: How are you, Sweet Daddy?

SDD: Man, you know I'm––Hey, what is up with your mouth? I guess doing the most racist black guy voice you can is a little too difficult for you.

JD: Shh! Quiet, Sweet Daddy! The racism is distracting everyone from my mouth.

SDD: I hope one day you die for this fucking shit. I can't believe white people still think this is funny. Oh wait, yes I can.

JD: So, uh, anyway Sweet Daddy, how is it being my manager?

SDD: I'm not a manager, I'm a Playa In a Management Profession.

JD: A P.I.M.P.?

SDD: Correct! Cause all black people are pimps, right Jeff?

JD: That's my understanding of African Americans.

SDD: No shit, Jeff. What's next? You gonna make me do an O.J. joke?

(audience laughs wildly at O.J. reference, then starts to high five each other because O.J. is finally in jail)

SDD: Fuck you all! If I had movable arms, all you motherfuckers would be dead! This better not wind up on YouTube!

JD: Thanks, Sweet Daddy. Hope everything turns out well for you and mammy. Well, that's it for me, everybody! I've run out of stereotypes! But don't worry, I'm gonna go home, take 3 hours to write another comedy special, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday! Good night!

(audience eruption of cheers, applause, and shouts of "Encore!" registers 8.7 on the Richter scale; the arena collapses, killing everyone in the audience; family members, upon hearing the news, cheer louder than their dead relatives cheered for an unfunny, faux comedian whose jokes and characters are merely tired stereotypes; unfortunately, Jeff Dunham made it out alive)

Stop Ned Holness

2008-12-10T11:29:00.004-06:00

I know CollegeHumor and I haven't always gotten along, but this kind of thing will help mend our relationship.

I have been programmed for arousal

2008-12-10T10:36:00.009-06:00

I don't know if you're a technology fiend or not, but sexy robots have been all over the news recently. The first video is of robot strippers. Do I have to say more?

(click the pic)

Next up, we have some creep named Le Trung who invented a female robot that he apparently lives with. Why create a robot that doesn't let you touch its (her?) boobs?

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

2008-12-03T22:27:00.003-06:00

Winners: Ironists!

With the Obama victory, there is an abundance of irony and comedians who have been hurt by the Democratic senator's win will be quick to change up their acts. (Except for Carrot Top, that guy's bulletproof!) Here's an example for comics to follow - guaranteed laughs!

I can't believe Bush has to leave office in January, he's done such a great job! Why can't he stay for another four years? Who is this Obama guy, anyway? Seems like a big dummy if you ask me. He wants to reestablish presidential accountability? I don't think that's really necessary. And I'm not worried about finding a career after I graduate, the job market is doing just fine.

Dr. Comeback

2008-12-02T22:03:00.003-06:00

Photo composite: Wireimage; Courtesy of Cadbury Schweppes

When you haven't written for awhile, you can't come back with just any story. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for all of you, I have found that story. Thank goodness I started checking CNN again, I had forgotten how low it sets its bar for "news."

In perhaps the lamest rock and roll move since Lars Ulrich cried over Napster users sharing Metallica's good 80's and sub-par 90's metal, Axl Rose and his once relevant band Pistols N' Daffodils are suing a soft drink company. Has it come to this? Is rock and roll really over? "Grr! I only got six out of Up! I'll see you in court!" Is anyone aware of the fact that in a real Chinese Democracy we wouldn't even be allowed doctors or pepper?! I'll pay my $2.99 if I want a soda because I'm an American. Fuck you, has-been!

Jesse Jackson/David Duke Memorial Blog Post

2008-11-12T22:11:00.005-06:00

Wha... What happened? Where am I?

The last thing I remember? Well, Barack Obama had just won the election, gave his speech in Grant Park, and then I - well, I guess I just blacked out. I woke up 10 minutes ago. Wha- What day is it? The 12th?! Oh shit, school... Man, I'm so screwed. What's this? I already wrote about Obama's victory? Good grief was I drunk. I gotta get a newspaper, I need to catch up.

...

Ugh, the IDS? That's all that's left? Are you kidding me, I have to read this garbage? Ah, fuck it.

...

Oh good, they finally renamed IU's HPER fieldhouse. Wait, no they didn't. The William L. Garrett/Ora L. Wildermuth Fieldhouse? Slash?! What in the blue fuck did the IU administration do now? Let me see here... "The committee did not want to remove Wildermuth's name because they thought it was unfair to take what Wildermuth said decades ago and bring it into today's light." Seriously? The guy fought and pleaded with IU's president to keep the school segregated. He once wrote that "so few [black people] succeed and the average intellect, economic status, and industry of the race is so far below the white average that it seems futile to build up hope for a great future." But they didn't want to take that into consideration?

I guess by that logic, if I lived on Hitler Boulevard it would be unthinkable to change the street's name because it doesn't matter how lame somebody was in the past, we should only worry about the now. How'd that trustee meeting full of old white guys go?

Old white guy #1: Let's see, Wildermuth was a racist, so that's +1 racism.

Old white guy #2: Well, William Garrett was the first black basketball player in the Big 10, so that'd be -1 racism.

Old white guy #3: Hmm, let me write this down. +1 racism. -1 racism. Gentleman, that equals zero racism! We did it!

Special thanks to my buddy Garrett Lawton!

President-elect Obama

2008-11-04T23:51:00.003-06:00

Tonight was an extraordinary experience that I will remember for the rest of my life. I was witness to one of the most historic events that has, or will ever happen to the United States of America, perhaps even the world. I will look fondly upon this moment as I tell my grandchildren about Barack Obama and the vile history of early (and modern) America that preceded his election.

I am so proud right now to be an American and it feels weird. Good, but weird. I can't really think of another word to describe it. As I watched him speak, I was overwhelmed. I think I prayed about three times, asking God to keep him safe because we need him so much. I'm most happy for my nephews, nieces, little cousins, and children everywhere who will grow up (hopefully) having an entirely different view of the world. A view I can't even imagine due to my inescapable cynicism. Barack Obama has a lot of work to do if he's to change the world, but after all he's been through, I'm not going to bet against him. Who in their right mind would?

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

2008-11-04T01:10:00.006-06:00

Huzzah! It's technically Election Day - although the polls have yet to open - and it looks like a clear Obama victory. What is this stereotypical college kid doing during the most important election of his life? That's right, I'm trying to think up drinking rules for election night coverage.

One drink for an Obama state victory (preceded by a "Cheers!") and two drinks for a McCain state victory (preceded by an "Ah, shit!"). I want to do something special for swing states, maybe taking turns passing out drinks each time a new "swing state" gets called for either candidate. Double the drinks if McCain wins, of course. Drink every time the word "upset" is used. That could be fun. I don't know, that's really all I've got so far.

I'm excited for the festivities, but comedians are not excited at all. Because comedians lose if Obama gets elected president, especially mediocre black comedians.

All comics lose if Obama becomes the president because nothing nowadays can turn a crowd from silence to applause like anti-Bush jokes. Anti-Cheney jokes, too. People really hate that guy. A solution to this problem is to write some pro-Obama jokes for whenever you, the comedian, get less laughter than you thought you would. I suspect many comedians will resort to this tactic.

Hit hardest are the mediocre black comedians. Why is that? Well, whenever a mediocre black comedian was in trouble on stage, he could always go to the "first black president" jokes. You know, rims on the limousine, using hip hop lingo during the press conference, bankrupting the country with his bad credit, all that stuff. That was a staple of the mediocre black comic's routine. However, in this overwhelmingly pro-Obama climate, an audience now will just look at the comic thinking, "That's ridiculous! Obama is nothing like that. In fact, that's a crude stereotype you’re invoking on a great leader and patriot."

I feel bad because the "first black president" routine was high on the mediocre black comic's "trouble list." I mean, it's practically a guaranteed laugh! I believe the routine is just below the "black people do this, white people do that" bit. Which I love, I have to say, because white people do do "that" all the time.

So I'm sorry comedians, mediocre black comedians in particular, but you're going to have to find some new material. Obama getting sworn in will signal the end of a golden age of political comedy. I hear dick jokes are still in, you could try some of those. Also, curse words. People love to hear comedians talk dirty. Ball sac.

The Rain effect

2008-10-30T17:32:00.004-05:00

All week I've heard talk of the "Bradley effect" affecting Barack Obama's campaign. The Bradley effect, to those unaware, is the belief that when asked, white voters will say they're voting for a non-white candidate, but in reality will vote against him/her. However, last Tuesday, Barack Obama held a rally in Chester, Pennsylvania with approximately 9,000 supporters "despite freezing rain and driving winds."

Let me tell you something, white people hate rain a thousand times more than black people. Are you kidding me? It's not even close! Soppy sweaters? Sodden shoes? Soaked socks? Soused shirts? If white people showed up in the rain to see Obama, they're damn sure going to vote for him.

An Obama presidency: Winners & Losers

2008-10-28T00:14:00.004-05:00

Only six days remain until Barack Obama is elected as the next President of the United States of America. I am very excited. I have no doubts that America as a whole will improve, but let's be realistic and understand that an Obama victory is not a victory for everyone. Therefore, in these final days of an election season that has seemed never-ending, I will be profiling the various winners and losers of the eventual Obama nomination.

Tonight, let's look at a group who benefits greatly from the swearing in of President Barack Obama. Racists!

Believe it or not, this is the best picture I could find of a scared white lady. Google Images is slipping. But I digress...

Racists may seem like a strange category of people that profits from an Obama presidency, but let's face it, racists are a strange category of people. Numerous, yes. But so very strange. "Human beings" living in a modern world with such antiquated thought processes? I don't get it.

Granted, having a black president isn't exactly ideal for racists, they may even get upset when Obama takes his oath of office. After the initial sting, however, racists will realize that they're better off because, for them, racism will officially be over. Racists will be free to say whatever they wish, which is a scary thing for the rest of us because it appears that they already do so. And if you're brave enough to attempt an explanation on how something they said is racist, you'll hear the following.

"Listen here, son, tain't no racgism no more on account a that Mooslim feller bein' that Resident of the U.S. in A. (Digs in ear) Least he ain't no damned Romanian..."

Filthy Romanians aside, there is no comeback for that absurdly poorly structured statement. At least no comeback that will make sense to anyone stupid enough to believe that simply because a black man is president that past, present, and future injustices are null and void.

So congratulations, racists! (And yes, that includes all you closet racists who are so delusional as to think that merely not using the N word in front of black people makes you a hero.) For the first time ever, I am declaring racists winners!

His real name is Paul Hewson?

2008-10-26T01:06:00.001-05:00

Bono - Saving the world two 6's at a time.

Terrorism check

2008-10-20T22:28:00.007-05:00

That's the face of Timothy McVeigh, also known as the Oklahoma City Bomber. He's a terrorist. What's that you say, "A white terrorist?! Absurdity!" Nay, good friend! Contrary to what you may hear and see in the media, not all terrorists are brown Middle Eastern Muslims. The policemen that killed Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell? Terrorists! They used fear, terror, and violence to achieve a goal. That makes them terrorists! (I know I've said that before, but it's a point that bears repeating.)

Elsewhere, angry Republicans, regular Republicans, and ironic Democrats/Independents keep referring to Barack Obama as a terrorist. This is because he has brown skin, once did charity work with a former domestic terrorist, and has imaginary ties to the Islamic faith. But why isn't anybody calling John McCain a terrorist? Just because he's an old white guy? Um, I believe I just proved that terrorists can come from all walks of life. So without further ado, let me be the first (maybe I'm the first, I don't really know) to make the case that John McCain is a terrorist. Because he is.

1) John McCain supports the War in Iraq. A war that in five years has killed roughly 90,000 innocent Iraqi civilians. John McCain wants to continue killing the innocent. That makes him a terrorist.

2) McCain has used divisive rhetoric and fear mongering to incite hate speech at his rallies. He semi-criticized an old lady who called Obama an Arab, but said nothing about the shouts of "Kill him" and "Off with his head" in reference to Obama. McCain wants hatred, fear, distrust, and ignorance to wash over this nation so he can secure a position of power. That's terrorism.

3) Palin has said she likes spending time in "pro-America" parts of the country. Therefore, she dislikes other parts of America. Guess who else dislikes America? Terrorists. Who has John McCain been palling around with in the last seven weeks? Well, it appears he's been palling around with a terrorist.

4) McCain has and continues to pollute the airwaves with inflammatory messages, calling to action those who follow him. Hmm, I can't remember. Who else does this? Oh, that's right, Osama Bin Laden!

5) Hey, remember that really, really embarrassing picture of McCain hugging George W. Bush? It's so pathetic that I can't help but post it again.

Haha, oh man... Anyway, this is proof that John McCain loves terrorists enough to hug them.

6) G. Gordon Liddy. Enough said.

7) After Hurricane Katrina ripped through the city of New Orleans, leaving thousands homeless, stranded, drowning, starving, and suffering, John McCain ate cake. Only a terrorist could be so cold. (Look who he's eating cake with!)

Satisfied? Seven true examples, not hearsay or myths, proving John McCain is a terrorist. And I didn't even do any research! That was off the top of my head! Who knows what I could have come up with...

Political roasting

2008-10-17T02:04:00.002-05:00

Haha, what the hell is this?! Why can't this be politics all the time? God bless Alfred Smith and his legacies. The first two parts are Obama. (Hilarious!) McCain's got the next two videos. (His videos go last because he's going to lose. Still funny though.)

Early voting Baracks!

2008-10-15T14:46:00.006-05:00

Early voting? Kinda shady if you ask me. But if my vote does end up counting, then it will be a vote for Senator Barack Obama. Note that it's a vote for Obama and not against McCain. Although I am opposed to nearly all of McCain's policies, voting against something, as Dick Gregory once said, is "ungodly" when we have so much to vote for. So why did I vote for Mr. Obama? Lots of reasons. Here's a partial list, focusing on some of the lesser-known issues.

He favors the expansion of drug courts instead of throwing people into prison. My views on drugs and drug policy are too radical to ever be realized, but this is a really good idea. Focus on violent crimes, not petty drug offenses.

Obama's other civil rights policies. It's nice to see that he even has "Civil Rights" listed as an issue. Obama's bid for the presidency has apparently convinced John McCain that racism is over.

I don't care what his middle name is. How could I? My middle name is Pedophiliasawesome.

He looks good in a bathing suit. A very underrated presidential quality.

Obama's energy policies mean jobs, jobs, and more jobs. The plan is pretty expensive and we won't see results right away, but it's an excellent long-term solution to dozens of problems.

He's black! (But I'm not a racist, some of my best friends are white.)

He's not afraid of spiders. Are you kidding me?! I'd have freaked out!

No Child Left Behind sucks. Please, God, won't somebody change it. You don't teach to a test; that's not education. Education is a glorious, wonderful thing that I truly love and appreciate. Children not only deserve a great education, they deserve to be excited about receiving it. I think Obama's plan is more supportive of both teachers and schools. It's also more of an investment, but it's a damn fine investment.

And last, but certainly not least...

All my friends are voting for him!

Happy Rape Day!

2008-10-13T08:14:00.004-05:00

Hope everybody's having a Merry Enslavement and Extermination of a Native People's Day! A Jolly Ethnocentric Slaughter and Pillage of an Entire Culture's Day to you all!

"Hey, there's people on that island! I just discovered new land!"

Really? Is that all there is to it? Then, hark! I have just discovered Indiana University! Maybe I should murder all the men, rape all the women, and enslave all the children so I can have a national holiday named in my honor! Furniture stores nationwide will commemorate my atrocities by offering 20-30% off on all full size couches! (But only 'til Wednesday, so go now!)

(Haha, I was shocked to find out I hadn't done this post before. Who'd have guessed?!)

What then?

2008-10-12T23:58:00.007-05:00

I'm tired of McCain's face. Here's an attractive human being.

Now, denouncing an entire political party just isn't my style. Both of them, together? Sure. Maybe even one right after the other, but not just one. I don't like to deal in generalizations, so I'll try to put a percentage on my anger. I'm upset with 94—97% of the Republican party. (I'm not so good with numbers, that's more of a ballpark figure. And I kind of stole that joke from Dave Chappelle. Sorry, Dave.)

Upset isn't even the right word, really. Disappointed. Pissed off. Crazy, fist-poundingly disturbed as an intellectual human being. Uhh...really fucking pissed off. Those are probably closer. The reason I'm so angry, other than the fact that John McCain and Sarah Palin have been doing their best to get Barack Obama harmed - or worse - is because even in the midst of almost complete backlash by Democrats, semi-intelligent citizens, and 3—6% of Republicans, the best thing McCain can say about Obama is that "he is a decent person." A decent person?! That's not a compliment! Such a flattering outpour of emotionalism reminds me of a time when white people used to think - and some still do - that "you're a credit to your race" was a compliment.

And Palin? I have yet to hear her say something quasi-positive about Obama. Then again, I have yet to hear her say something intelligent about anything. She couldn't answer the question, "What magazines and/or newspapers do you like to read?" Are you fucking kidding me?! This person is running for Vice President of the United States of America?! Sorry, I think it just hit me that such a dullard could be the next leader of the free world. Even Bush ran a baseball team, that's way harder than running the state of Alaska.

And that's just two people out of the roughly 95% of Republicans I'm furious with. The reason everyone else gets lumped in is because I have not heard nearly any Republicans, prominent or not, say what a great man Barack Obama is. Giuliani laughed at his community service record. Hannity implied he was a racist and an anti-Semite. There are 329 Facebook groups with a combination of the words "Obama" and "terrorist." Meanwhile, McCain's glowing praise consists of calling Obama decent, a non-Arab, and stating Americans do not have to be fearful of him.

But, and God forbid this were to happen, what if tragedy fell on Senator Obama? Now, I'm in no frame of mind to think about his death - every time I find myself praying lately it's asking God to keep him safe - so let's just say a couple days before the election he gets attacked and ends up in a hospital somewhere in critical condition. What will the Republicans say then? I'll tell you exactly what they'll say.

McCain, Hannity, Giuliani, and damn near all of them will seize the first available mic and express their deepest sympathies for such a great American and his family. They'll call him a patriot. They'll call him a leader. They may even call him a hero. They'll say how Barack Obama epitomizes the American Dream and gives hope to children everywhere. How he is rewriting history books and how his courage makes them find strength in themselves. They'll speak of his brilliance, his humor, his trustworthiness, his compassion, his charity, his kindness, his faith, his love for his family and country. But they'll only say it when he's lying on a gurney with a bullet in his back.

I don't expect McCain or any of his supporters to say all of this about Senator Obama whilst he's campaigning - they don't want to lose the damn thing after all - but it'd be nice to see Obama get more credit than a "decent person." God knows he deserves it.

Inside the belly of the beast

2008-10-09T19:47:00.013-05:00

During the early morning hours of Thursday, October 9, 2008, I was granted exclusive access to the McCain campaign's daily briefing. And the good news doesn't stop there. I took notes!

John McCain: Alright team, the attacks on Obama aren't working. We need to rethink our strategy.

Phil Gramm: You mean we should start talking policy differences? How we'd fix the economy? How we'd defend this great nation?

McCain: Wha-?! No! Are you fucking retarded, Phil? We need more attacks! Better ones! Lemme run down our list here... Elitist? Check. Secret Muslim? Check. Former pastor is a big, scary black man? Check.

Sarah Palin: Ooh! Don't forget about how I told everybody his best pal is a domestic terrorist.

McCain: Right! That's damn fine politics, Sarah. Damn fine. But I'm afraid we might need something else.

Rick Davis: Hey, you know what we could do? We could ask Rove for help again.

McCain: Davis, you lunatic! If word gets out we consulted with Rove it'll make us look ridiculous! Now, what about if we started calling Obama "that welfare baby."

Davis: Umm, I'm not sure-

McCain: Can it, Davis! We'll get Hannity to start saying it. After shit hits the fan, we'll come out saying that every American is entitled to their opinion, but, and this is important, we will not denounce him. Got it?

Gramm: Look, Senator, with all due respect-

McCain: Whoa, whoa. What did you just say, Phil? What the fuck did you just call me?!

Gramm: Forgive me. President McCain-

McCain: And don't you ever forget it! Go on.

Gramm: Well, I was just going to say that referring to Obama as a "welfare baby" could backfire. I mean, we're in deep shit as it is, and this negative campaigning-

Frank Keating: I know! I could call Obama a hooker!

Gramm: What?! That doesn't even-

Palin: Gee whiz, Frank! What a super idea!

McCain: Impressive, Frank. That's even a better idea than when we decided to plant microphones next to the angriest, most hostile bigots in our crowds so we could have Obama called treasonous and a terrorist without having to directly say it ourselves.

Palin: Or when we convinced Comedy Central to start airin' Chocolate News! The promos alone will remind everyone how much they dislike black people!

McCain: Great point, Sarah. Frank-

Keating: Yes, President McCain?

McCain: Well, is there any way you could call Obama a hooker, but at the same time make it sound racist? We need to keep race the forefront subliminal issue here.

Davis: Okay, I have to step in here. I think Gramm is ri-

McCain: I mean really make it sound bad. But not bad enough to get us crucified. Make it sound racist, yet real dumb.

Keating: How about, "a guy of the streets?"

McCain: "Guy of the streets..." I love it! It's perfect! Throw in something about how he used cocaine too. Because whenever I think of hookers, I always think of blow.

Is this a group of undecided voters or an oil painting? Hi-oh!

2008-10-09T00:22:00.004-05:00

"Senator Obama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting."

This was McCain's third sentence and failed joke number one of Tuesday's town hall debate. Unfortunately for us all, McCain had a lot more sentences and it seemed like even more failed attempts at humor.

The reason it's a joke, if you don't already know, is because early in the presidential campaign John McCain proposed to Obama that the two do 10 town hall debates. Obama, being so unreasonably reasonable, declined. Could you even imagine if he had accepted?! Ten town hall debates? Ten times the stump speeches? Ten times the McCain wandering around like a lost child?

I must admit, the challenge from McCain, made back in June if I'm not mistaken, was an excellent political move. Knowing full well Obama would reject such a ridiculous idea of 10 presidential debates, McCain could now say things like, "He's afraid to face the American people." or "He's afraid to debate me." I doubt anybody who's not a hardcore Republican believes that, but to put it in it's rightful place of lunacy, think about if you challenged a friend to 10 hot dog eating contests. "Ten? Why not one? Or two at the most? What would we learn from 10 hot dog eating contests that we couldn't learn from two?" your fearful friend would say. You simply reply, "What are you? A chicken?!" And you've won.

But back to the lame attempts at comedy. (No, not mine! McCain's!) I've seen McCain be unfunny before, plenty of times actually, but I never realized until Tuesday how similar McCain and I are. Both of us love our own jokes more than anyone else! I won't be so cruel as to suggest going back and watching the debate, but there is one more left. Watch McCain crack up at every miserable, mistimed joke he makes. They're not funny, but you'll still be laughing!

Suck it, Michelangelo!

2008-10-07T23:09:00.004-05:00

I would have said "Suck it" to a famous political cartoonist, but I don't know any.
I can't draw.

Party at the Gap!

2008-10-04T02:13:00.008-05:00

It looks like... Yes, the verdict is in! The Juice has finally gotten squeezed!

And it appears that white people are happy once again! The void has been filled!

HollyWON'T!

2008-09-30T17:01:00.005-05:00

A team of Hollywood megastars has joined forces for a viral video urging citizens to (not) vote. It's so extraordinarily condescending that it honestly makes me want to not vote. Jonah Hill, however, delivers a line so funny you almost won't care that everyone else (sans Sarah Silverman) does their damnedest to make you feel like a fucking moron.

Best. Joke. Ever. Revisited.

2008-09-26T02:35:00.005-05:00

Tonight, we write in Hell!

That's right, ladies and germs, post number 300! To honor this least historic of occasions, I have reposted the post of the best joke ever created. ("Reposted the post of the best joke." Say that 300 times fast!)

I'm trying not to get caught up in the moment, but I think I may have just created the greatest joke ever told. And that is really saying something since I have created so many excellent jokes over the past 3-4 years. Are you sitting down? Are you ready for it? Here it comes. Don't say I didn't warn you...

300 is okay, but I just saw a preview for an even cooler movie. It's an epic tale about an assortment of items including a wheelbarrow, a top hat, and a thimble (among others) who compete against each other to collect as much money and property as they can. Know what it's called?

400: The Battle of Ther"monopoly"

Did you ever imagine that one person could be this funny? Neither did I.

We're saved! (Many times revisited)

2008-09-25T01:11:00.011-05:00

Fuck this! I can't predict what's going to happen with the economy and my suspension hasn't helped at all! Did you see the fucking Dow, today? We're doomed! (So I'm gonna put up my post anyway. Suck it, Congress!)

Thanks to me suspending my blog, the 700 billion dollar bailout went through! And who said the deficit couldn't get any larger?! To celebrate, I am going to post a video I made, a video that I assumed had already been made by numerous persons on the Internets. As it turned out, only one other person had done this and his/her version was dreadful.

Also, with this being my 299th post, look out for a special 300th post!
You may recognize it...

Blog Lockdown

2008-09-24T23:56:00.007-05:00

Good morning, America. I have an announcement to make and unfortunately it is not good news. This is... Oh man, this is tougher than I thought it was going to be. I don't know quite how to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it. I am officially suspending my blog in order to save the economy.

That's right! Don't try and talk me out of it! I poured over this decision for several minutes before finally reaching a conclusion. The skeptics will ask, "How will suspending your blog help save the economy?" Psh, skeptics... Suspending my blog will help the economy just as much as John McCain suspending his campaign will help the economy. (Now what do you have to say, skeptics?)

Shutting it down will not be easy, especially in the face of such juicy stories as...

1) Clay Aiken admitting he is gay. And here I thought he had come out years ago!
2) The US Army stationing an active unit inside the United States. It's not exactly what I'd call martial law, but it's a step in that direction. The conspirator in me believes the military is doing this because they know some shit is about to go down.
3) Lindsay Lohan being a temporary lesbian. If death comes in threes, what do celebrity outings come in?
4) Sarah Palin traveling to the UN Headquarters in New York to meet with the new contestants of Dancing with the Stars.
5) Chris Rock slamming President Clinton on The Late Show with David Letterman while promoting his new HBO special Kill the Messenger.
6) Hold on, did I mix up my stories in #4?
7) Kanye West's new song : Great song or the greatest song?

The fundamentals of our economy are there. Stay strong, America. God bless.

Lazy River '08!

Crapalcade of Craptoon Comedy

2008-09-22T16:46:00.008-05:00

More? So soon? Ugh... Here we go.

This rejected clip comes from the Family Guy episode where Chris starts working at a pizza place. Whilst there, he befriends an Italian teenager named Giuseppe. Peter is happy Chris found a job, but thinks Giuseppe deserves more than just being "another Italian guy who is either a pizza delivery boy or a hitman for the mob." Peter then says, "You know what? This is so typical of America. Never giving Italians the credit they deserve."

And then! As if that wasn't enough comedy for you! Here comes a completely original, not-at-all-Groundskeeper-Willie-esque, skit. And it's got movie references in it too! Cause you'll listen to the angry Scotsman and say, "Hey! Yeah! I know exactly what part he's talking about!" Haha, it's just so fresh and inventive! I can't stand! I just can't stand it!

So Peter walks into the scene and says, "Blah blah blah, Shia LaBeouf." Then Quagmire says, "Shia LaBeouf? Blah blah blah, celebrity sex tape!" Cleveland replies, "Blah blah blah, the Ayatollah!" To which Peter retorts, "Blah blah blah, angry Scottish guy."

Lowering the bar

2008-09-22T15:58:00.004-05:00

A timeless cliché tells us that we should never judge a book by its cover. Sound advice, yes, but as one grows older and wiser, one comes to understand that, in some circumstances, the cover is really all you need to see.

Take, for instance, my iTunes "Shared music" network. Somewhere out there, too near for comfort, is a person named Tom, whose music library is entitled "Tom's Chillaxful Music." I do not know this person, nor have I ever met this person, but let me explain to you what Tom's book cover tells me. Tom is an asshole.

Thank you very much.

Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy

2008-09-17T19:34:00.013-05:00

Yes! It's here! Yet another comedy gem sent straight from the funny factory, located in Chucklesberg, Laughsylvania, which is a district of the United States of Hysterical!

This axed clip comes from the Family Guy episode where Chris and Meg each believe the other to be adopted and, as a hilarious consequence of this zany misunderstanding, start dating! Stewie walks in on them making out and says, "Oh my! I can't imagine a more awkward scenario than this."

Turdsneeze! Where do they find the inspiration?!

I have to blog this shit. I'm white!

2008-09-17T15:40:00.009-05:00

-Josh Howard-
Has admitted to smoking marijuana during the NBA offseason.
Was once arrested for street racing; doing 94 in a 55.
Enjoys verbalizing anti-American sentiments among peers.
May or may not hold what some would call radical political views.

You can call him a traitor, a degenerate, or a bonehead if you want to. Personally, I kinda wanna be his friend.

(Howard's "controversial" statements begin at 1:42)

What's that?

2008-09-15T15:57:00.014-05:00

So I'm sitting in S326, Spanish Linguistics, while the teacher is going over phones. If you don't know anything about linguistics, which I didn't until two weeks ago, phones are the arbitrary sounds we make that form words. "Mmm," for example, is the phone for the letter M. Anyway, the prof is using a computer speech program, a pretty damn good one too, as a teaching aid, when all of a sudden some lady, a teacher no less (you could tell by her age), comes in and says the following...

"Excuse me, but we can hear really loudly. Could you please turn that down?"

All I could think to say was, "Listen lady, it's not our fault that you can hear so loudly, okay? We're at a normal volume over here. I don't know what kind of super-sensitive ears you have, but maybe if you and your students can hear so loudly you should invest in some ear plugs. You know what? I bet our volume isn't bothering you at all, you just came in to brag about your excellent hearing abilities. The fact that I hear quietly doesn't make you a better person than me. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why don't you take your superhero ears and get the hell outta my classroom!"

"And stop abusing the English language!"

Kavalcade of Kartoon Komedy

2008-09-14T00:45:00.008-05:00

Ooh... I, uh... I think it was probably a better idea to use C's. My bad.

If you're wondering what happens to all of the cutaway jokes that the Family Guy writing staff rejects (yes, they actually do reject some of them), then maybe you'll love the perfectly sensible pairing of Burger King and Seth MacFarlane and the hot, new YouTube sensation known as the "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy."

While not funny in the least, we have be nice to these cartoon clips because they're really quite depressed after being trashed by the Family Guy writers. I mean, in the post "Cartoon Wars" era - "Cartoon Wars" being the South Park episodes that called out Family Guy's lazy writing style - the number of cutaway, or "manatee," jokes has skyrocketed in an obvious attempt to spite Matt Stone and Trey Parker. You'd think with this rise in cutaways that the Fox program could find a place for these hastily and poorly written pop culture references other than The Island of Misfit Manatees.

The first animation abortion was originally to appear in an episode where Peter and Brian accidentally become astronauts and are the first to discover life on Mars! Alien Regis and Kelly! Hahahaha! Upon their find, Peter says to Brian, "Gee Brian, this is worse than when your uncle was on the $25,000 pyramid."

My sides are splitting! Because I'm cutting them!

This next one is set up after Lois and the kids have gone to stay at her father's because Peter turned the house into a brothel. (Classic!) Lois says to her father, "Peter said we needed the extra money." To which her father replies, "That's a lamer excuse than Bob Marley's."

Haha, it's like they've never even heard the song! Hahahahaha!! And the Jamaican accent is spot on! MacFarlane delivers again!!

Stay tuned for more!

Hurricane Yogi

2008-09-13T21:11:00.003-05:00

If this hilarious, hurricane-resistant bear doesn't make it on The Colbert Report, then I'll paint my face green for a week.

LL Cool Jeans

2008-09-10T22:28:00.002-05:00

I'm just... I'm just so confused...

According to John

2008-09-05T00:41:00.004-05:00

Huzzah! The political conventions are over at last!

I watched a fair amount of Palin's acceptance speech, but didn't even bother with John McCain's. I was doing homework and the sound of his droning would have surely put me right out. I told a friend earlier in the day that I probably wouldn't be watching his speech regardless, due to the resurrection of my political cynicism, thanks in part to Sarah Palin being picked for vice president and the endless amount of coverage, both positive and negative, about her. My friend, let's call her Hannah, queried as to how I could consider myself politically knowledgeable if I didn't watch both Obama's and McCain's acceptance speeches. Seems like a good point at first, but I used the following analogy to explain and I hope that by placing it squarely into the bowels of the Internets, that someone, at some point in time, will benefit from it.

Republicans are to According to Jim as Democrats are to The King of Queens.

Obama wants to raise taxes + drill here, drill now + support our troops + vote for me = a better America
I didn't watch McCain's speech because I knew exactly what he was going to talk about and I disagree with nearly all of it. So why would I watch?

Comic misunderstanding + angry wife + zany antics = happy ending
I don't watch According to Jim because I know exactly what is going to happen and the show is painfully unfunny. (John took every bit of his father's funny genes.) So why would I watch?

Troops out of Iraq + comprehensive energy plan + health care + vote for me = a better America
I watched Obama's speech because I knew exactly what he was going to talk about, but I like what he has to say. So why wouldn't I watch?

Comic misunderstanding + angry wife + zany antics + funny = happy ending
I watch The King of Queens because I know exactly what is going to happen, but I'm entertained by it. So why wouldn't I watch?

Do you watch reruns of television shows you don't like, Hannah? The answer: No.

Palin acceptance speech

2008-09-03T15:37:00.002-05:00

Lemme guess... Sexism, right? Or is it the liberal media that's out to get you? I look forward to getting angry during your speech.

Making friends the wrong way

2008-09-02T18:02:00.005-05:00

The first day of a new class is always interesting. Looking around to see if any of your friends are there, making mental notes on who you'd like to sleep with, judging people who look like assholes. You know, the usual. What you don't often get on the first day of a new class is a glimpse of someone's real personality. Or 9/11 jokes. You hardly ever get 9/11 jokes on the first day. But guess who just rewrote that rule?

I didn't plan on making a September 11th joke, rarely do I ever go into a situation knowing I'm going to pull that rabbit out. It wasn't even that offensive of a joke, but perhaps making light of such a tragedy is never kosher. However, I abide by the George Carlin rule of comedy which says, "You can joke about anything, it all depends on how you construct the joke." So before you condemn my actions, please read the joke. (Cause it actually was pretty funny.)

Girl: (I'm paraphrasing) Well, I guess one interesting fact about me is that I was born on September 11th.

Me: Do you ever forget your own birthday?

Class: (One kid laughed. Most people were confused. And maybe some were offended, it was hard to gauge because I was looking at the girl.)

Me: (after looking around the room to discover less laughter than I thought there should be for such a well-placed line) What? Are we not laughing about that yet?

Class: (Kid laughed more. More confusion. Possibly more offense. Again, couldn't really tell.)

You see? Not as bad as you thought, was it?

(By the way, is that not the most unsafe school bus you've ever seen in your life?)

Mayoral duties

2008-09-02T17:32:00.006-05:00

In my continuous efforts to figure out how exactly Sarah Palin is qualified to run anything other than an Applebee's, or perhaps a small chain of photo huts, I came across this article on The Huffington Post entitled, "The Worst Vice-Presidential Nominee in U.S. History."

Despite its title, Robert Elisberg gave Palin credit for many things, far more credit than perhaps you might think for a writer who appears regularly in The Huffington Post. My favorite part of the piece is this, which details the "first two 'powers and duties' for the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska," the town Palin was the mayor of before she became the Alaskan governor less than two years ago.

1. Preside at council meetings. The mayor may take part in the discussion of matters before the council, but may not vote, except that the mayor may vote in the case of a tie

2. Act as ceremonial head of the city

To be fair, that's a decent description of the vice presidency. But when your presidential running mate is a 72-year-old cancer survivor, the rules change. I'll end with a quote from the article summarizing one of the reasons (but not the best reason according to Elisberg) that Palin is a lousy VP pick.

"If you live in small town America (and I mean really, really small), look around you and be honest - do you see your mayor...as a heartbeat from the presidency in 18 months?"

Preggers!

2008-09-01T13:52:00.003-05:00

Turns out that the 17-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin, Bristol, is pregnant. Congratulations, Universe, now I feel like an ass. I don't care much myself, but I wonder how this news will play with hardcore conservatives. I think at this point they are all so anti-Obama that it won't really matter. What's even more fun, however, is the conspiracy theories that are coming along with the baby.

#1: The McCain campaign is forcing her into a marriage she does not want to appease conservatives who think a child born out of wedlock is doomed to eternal hellfire. I'm taking credit for this one, simply because I haven't read it anywhere else. But clearly I can't be the first person who thought of this seeing as how I just learned she was pregnant. (Thanks, Andrew!)

#2: This next one is a little trickier. And not willing to risk my journalistic integrity, I'll let the Post Chronicle explain. They may see the claim as a cheap, smear tactic, with roots based in the liberal blogosphere, but they're not above printing it! I wonder if the Palin family is going to create a website to fight the smears a la Obama.

ThrowbacKomedy

2008-09-01T00:11:00.003-05:00

Until the RNC (and school) starts, I'm pretty much out of material. But fear not, because I have nearly endless reserves of mediocre comedy!

This 2005 piece is somewhat relevant as I begin my senior year, although senior year of college and senior year of high school are two completely different beasts. As always, I'll do my best to keep the piece as published, but I can't promise that I won't reread something so dreadful it has to be changed.

Commencement, with all of its pomp and circumstance, is a wonderful event. It is the culmination of four exciting and life-changing years. High school is over and life can finally begin. Every senior looks forward to graduation, it is the eight weeks prior that you have to watch out for.

Senioritis is a national epidemic that affects high school seniors of every race, color, creed and is diagnosed as a rapid onset of severe indifference and occurs immediately after spring break is over. In some cases even earlier. Symptoms include grade slippage, increased use of sweatpants and sweatshirts, laziness, habitual tardiness, and a rise of "sickness-related" absences.

Senioritis results from a planned future. At the end of spring break, a majority of high school seniors have already decided what college they are going to. Those who do not plan on attending college typically have a steady job they can continue.

Every year there are seniors who manage to avoid this crippling disease. While rare, some extraordinary students can remain focused even when everyone else around them is having the time of their lives. These courageous bookworms refuse to give up their responsibilities and may possibly look for more.

My journalistic integrity will simply not allow me to slack off and...um...not write good. While the school year winds down, I will simply not...wait, I said that. I...uh...can rise above the, you know, hard stuff and write like it was...I dunno...any other time.

Why I would make a better VP than Sarah Palin

2008-08-30T00:56:00.014-05:00

"I swear! This big! It was only the most kickass Walleye ever!"

I expect "Sarah Palin" to be the number one thing googled, if not this entire week, than certainly the entire weekend. I, on the other hand, mostly thought about googling Bristol.

Anyway...

It doesn't matter much now, Senator McCain, but seeing how easy it is to get picked for your running mate, I would like to post-maturely throw my hat into the VP ring. Even though I disagree with you on mostly everything, and the thought of people referring to me as a Republican makes my blood boil, I'm willing to sacrifice my personal beliefs if it can make me famous. So, if you or one of your 11 staffers are reading this, Mr. McCain, here is a list of reasons why I am just as good a choice, if not better, for Vice President of the United States of America.

1) I, too, can be considered a political maverick. This will help your campaign as every day you lose a little bit more of the ability to title yourself in such a manner. I mentioned that I would never want anyone knowing I was on the Republican side of things, but I would also be disgusted if anyone called me a Democrat. I do not belong to any party, Senator McCain. Unless of course you reconsidered and picked me to be your running mate. Then I'd be a loyal Republi... Repub... I'm sorry, I just can't finish that sentence without vomiting. But you know what I mean.

2) I'm quite the wordsmith, Senator, which would help you combat the linguistical wizardry of a certain Barack Obama. He's smarter and more charming than both of us, there is no doubt about that, but certainly my poetic prowess would close the gap. How good am I? I can make this horrific scene (see below) seem manly.

Hmm... Let's see... In this picture, taken at Backyardigans Live, you are clearly demonstrating how a koala bear sleeps on the trunk of a Eucalyptus tree to a bunch of sick children whose mothers are all horny supermodels. President Bush, meanwhile, is trying to hug you, needing to be consoled as Tyrone heads backstage. When you realized what was going on, you punched him in the stomach and told him to stop acting like a queer. This later happening simply was not photographed. (You see! And that was just off the top of my head!) Keep in mind, I'm not a magician. You're on your own when it comes to explaining why you voted against MLK day for so many years.

3) I have essentially as much national and international political experience as Sarah Palin, no matter what Steve Doocy thinks. Not only is my hometown but a short drive away from Canada, but I've also vacationed there as a youngster. I can speak a little Spanish too. Although it has been awhile. I'd need to look up how to say "Yes, I once supported amnesty, but that was before I was a presidential contender. Now get the hell outta my country!"

4) I'm pretty sexy too. Check these pictures out. (I have one of each sex, just in case you are really intent on having a female VP.)

Side note: (Technically a middle note) If you prefer me as a woman, know that my body has only gotten sharper in the past 4 years. Plus, since I'm not really a woman, I won't secretly hate you for opposing an equal pay for equal work bill. Let's see Governor Palin do that!

5) I could attract way more Hillary voters than Sarah Palin ever could. And I don't need a vagina to do it! No one is buying this obvious pander, and frankly it worries many Americans that you would use your VP pick, a potential leader of the free world no less, as nothing more than a political ploy. Not exactly wise judgment. "But Alex, how can you bring in Hillary voters?" you ask? Great question, Senator McCain!

I can bring in Hillary voters by pretending that their complaints are justified. It's just that easy! They're tired of being called racists, they say it's a "lazy" excuse, but then claim Hillary was beaten down by a sexist media. I'd agree with them and say things like, "That makes a lot of sense!" I can lie with the best of 'em, Senator! (For the record, Mr. McCain, the media is both racist and sexist, but since we're both white men, we don't have to worry about any of that! Huzzah for white privilege!)

6) I'm not currently involved in any scandals and I know what a vice president does! (skip to 2:50 if you don't want to hear about her scandal)

7) Her best qualities that help you politically, from what I can gather, are her pro-gun and pro-life stances. Well, guess what, Senator. It's your lucky day!

I love guns! I love holding guns! I love shooting guns! They make you feel so powerful and masculine! It's a rush of testosterone that few activities can match! (Palin liking it so much sends up some red flags as far as I'm concerned.) But it don't stop there! I hate baby killing! Hate it! Birth begins at conception, because hell, what else is it gonna be?! A fucking crocodile?! I will support any pro-life Supreme Court justice you send up, no matter how ridiculous their other ideals are. Oh, but they also have to support gay marriage. If you can find a pro-lifer who is down with the gays, I'll support that nomination 100%. (Not too many of those, however. You might just want to consider me as a Supreme Court justice instead of a VP.)

Well, Johnny Mac, I hope you learned a lot about me. Even if you didn't, it's probably more than you, or anyone else for that matter, knows about Sarah Palin. Get back to me...

RNC Oddsmakers

2008-08-29T16:28:00.013-05:00

Barack Obama wrapped up the DNC last night and with the exception of a few detractors, hilariously mocked by The Daily Show last Tuesday, the convention was an enormous success. With Sarah Palin now in as McCain's running mate, the Republican National Convention is up next.

By the way, let's clear up this Sarah Palin "hot" stuff right now. She's not exactly hot; she's more of a two-face. Let's compare some pictures.

#1: First up, the classic "sexy librarian pose." Very appealing. Very naughty. She's got a little of that Tina Fey thing going on. But to call her Tina Fey hot is heresy. Mmm... Tina Fey...

#2: Second, we have another rehearsed pose. Only this time, she's the secretly irritable, old-lady neighbor type. Not appealing. Not naughty. (These pictures also seem to have been taken years apart. If so, that could both help or hurt my point, so I'll let you decide for yourself.)

Enough with this semi-attractive newbie, let's get down to the title of the post and try to predict the future! Much like you can gamble on the coin toss during the Super Bowl, you can now put down strange bets in Vegas on the RNC. I missed out placing bets for the DNC, mostly because I just thought of the idea today, but if you're the wagering type, I've got the lines for you. Good luck!

At the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, the chances that...

-John McCain falls down and breaks his hip: 1 in 53
-Bristol Palin, Sarah's full-time hottie of a daughter, is harassed by Mitt Romney: 1 in 40
-Bristol Palin is harassed by Bill O'Reilly: 1 in 4
-Rudy Giuliani uses the N-word in reference to Obama: 1 in 3,500
-A microphone picks up a public official using the N-word in reference to Obama: 1 in 350
-A camera shows a random delegate mouthing the N-word in reference to Obama: 3 in 5
-Dick Cheney's beak nose gets caught on mic as he delivers his speech: 1 in 9
-George Bush makes up another word: 4 in 11
-Obama is compared favorably to a terrorist: 5 in 7
-Obama is directly called a terrorist: 6 in 7
-Obama is "mistakenly" referred to as "Osama": 6.5 in 7
-Sarah Palin is harassed by Bill O'Reilly thinking she is Bristol Palin: 3 in 4

-Schwarzenegger receives applause from the crowd even though they don't know what the fuck he just said: 1 in 1

Accepting the nomination

2008-08-28T20:53:00.006-05:00

I don't care how many people CNN interviews. I don't care how many times they say it. I don't care which adjectives they use to describe it. No one, I repeat, no one, can fully comprehend how historical this event is. And to think, he hasn't even won yet.

Recall the history you know and imagine the history you don't. Think of the events and the stories that you'll never know, that no one will ever know, because they are dead and buried. Few times have I been proud of America. This is one of them. I don't pray nearly as much as I should, but I'm gonna try and keep you safe the best way I can. Don't let us down.

Disastrous movie

2008-08-27T09:26:00.010-05:00

In order to show everyone that the new Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie, Disaster Movie, is not nearly as stupid as Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, I’m going to give you a slight preview of the script. Aaron and Jason had asked me to review the script for Disaster Movie, wondering which parts I wouldn’t immediately burn. Unfortunately for them, I threw that motherfucker into a bonfire and pissed on the ashes. They drafted a completely new copy and sent me one as a thank you for all my help. No problem guys. Anytime.

In this scene, the Juno look-alike is talking to the Dr. Phil look-alike about the Amy Winehouse look-alike regarding her involvement in the recent wave of frightening disasters that have struck the city.

Juno look-alike: Um, just cause I'm pregnant or whatever, doesn't mean I can't tell what's totally going on here. It's like, did the Fraggles love doozer sticks?! Chea, I think so.

Dr. Phil look-alike: Now, what you need to do, is admit to Amy that you don't really know if she started all of this. Cause if you're gonna jump to conclusions you may as well conclude to jump on the goober tracks with the big ol' goober train a comin' through.

Amy Winehouse look-alike: (surprised the camera panned to her, throws away heroin needle) You guys! Come on! I didn't do any of this stuff! It was probably him! (points to Incredible Hulk look-alike standing nearby)

Incredible Hulk look-alike: How dare you! You're making me angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry... (flexes his muscles and accidentally farts)

(camera pans to Miley Cyrus look-alike holding her nose)

Miley Cyrus look-alike: Like, aw mi gawd, dudes! That's like, totally stank! This is, like, so nawt the life!

(Vanessa Hudgens look-alike enters with Zac Efron look-alike; Hudgens look-alike is wearing only underwear and Efron look-alike has huge zit on nose)

Vanessa Hudgens look-alike: Hey, Hannah, I told you to stay away from my man! I'm the only one who sends him dirty pictures. Got it, bitch?!

(Hudgens and Cyrus get into sexy catfight and roll around on ground, camera pans to Efron look-alike and after a brief pause on his face, zooms in on his zit)

Zac Efron look-alike's zit: (in a stereotypical black voice) Aww shit, mufucka! Dat's what da hell I'm talkin' bout!

Voice: Did you forget about me? (camera swings to Paris Hilton look-alike coming down the street)

Paris Hilton look-alike: I'm still totally hot! So hot that I - Whoa! (Hilton look-alike slips on banana peel and her chihuahua goes flying over the horizon)

Chihuahua: (in a stereotypical Mexican voice) Go see my moovee, holmes! Es reely dog-gone gooood (voice fades out)

(just then, a comically old Indiana Jones look-alike enters with a walker)

Comically old Indiana Jones look-alike: I'll save you all! After I finish my game. (sits at table and starts playing mah-jongg)

Comically old John McCain look-alike: Oh! I love that game! But no time, now. Let's do this, Barack OSAMA!

(McCain look-alike, now wearing boxing gloves, turns to box a Barack Obama look-alike who is dressed like a terrorist)

Voice: Hold it right there! This is our city!

(enter Sex and the City look-alikes, only they're drag queens; sexy music plays as they walk in slow motion down the street)

(just then, a comically fat Al Gore look-alike holding two corn dogs runs through the Sex and the City drag queen look-alikes screaming)

Comically fat Al Gore look-alike: It's here! Global warming is here! Run for your lives!

(all characters run screaming down the street past a Joker look-alike)

Joker look-alike: Why so serious? (Joker look-alike glances up at oncoming global warming attack and screams like a little girl; as he tries to run, his pants fall down revealing his Batman boxer shorts)

(pan to global warming which turns out to be a giant McLovin in his trademark vest and he's lumbering down the street)

Giant McLovin look-alike: What up, gangstas?! Chika-chika yeah!

Well, I don't want to ruin the movie for you, so I'll just stop right there. You'll be shocked at what is chasing the giant McLovin! Here's a hint: she is fat, has a shaved head, is carrying a baby and singing "Stomp me baby one more time!"

ThrowbacKomedy

2008-08-26T14:11:00.006-05:00

The following classic comes from a computer class I took in 10th grade, the assignment being to create a flyer for something. The only stipulation was it had to include a Starport Airlines reference, the imaginary airline within the computer textbook we were working out of. This is my entry, altered somewhat because I could not get a decent full picture of the entire page. Therefore, I have kept the heading and written out all text that appeared beneath it.

I got a B because, and I'm not making this up, the teacher wrote, "Is the spell check not working?" This is only one of the reasons I believed myself to be smarter than pretty much every teacher I had in high school.

Do you have dyslexia? Don't just live with it, overcome it! On Saturday, March 7, 2003, the L.A.D. will be hosting its annual "Let's Learn Together" semniar in Boston, Massachusetts.

Dyslexia is a disorder that is embarrassing to amdit you have, but once you realize you have a problem, the next step is to solve it. This is where the L.A.D. comes in. Every year, people from all over America come togehter for one weekend and learn how to conquer thier disorder. This year's guest speaker will be the amazing actress from Sister Act fame, Whoopi Goldberg! Don't just deal with your dyslexia, overcome it! Together we can beat it!

Make travel reservations with our sponsor Starport Airlines. They have your tikcet!

For further questions, call the L.A.D. at 1-800-555-7898. (Please dial carefully.)

Olympics Update X

2008-08-26T13:26:00.002-05:00

Final Olympics update! Hooray! I've only got two things to talk about really, the closing ceremonies and an example of how angry Spanish people are they lost to the US in basketball. (Spanish "person" technically, but it's still hilarious.)

I think this picture really embodies the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. Great competition set in beautiful scenery and architecture. China has a tremendous history, both glorious and atrocious (not unlike the Olympics) which I guess made it the perfect setting for the games. If I was IOC President Jacque Rogge, I still wouldn't have given them the games unless they agreed to make a legitimate effort to curb their human rights violations, but oh well, it was a great two weeks of athletic competition. An athletic competition that saw the US prevail, depending of course on how you look at it. The real sad part about it ending? All the Olympics pictures I have posted tend to get taken down. :(

And now for some fun. Here is one anonymous Spaniard's comments on the USA basketball team beating Spain. Let's just call him Bincente Bampos-Buereta Bíez.

Here's his Facebook status:
"reminds all US people that 2 minutes to the end of the game Spain was only 2 points down, and that Spain is the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP right now!!!"

Here is his old Facebook status:
"Bicente is sad because the US basketball team doesn´t learn the FIBA rules... and the reffs doesn´t punish them on the field... that´s how the US won the olympics..."

Notice how he went from "the US won the Olympics" to "Spain is the world championship." The piss poor grammar aside, he's clearly desperate to hold on to some sense of accomplishment from the dirty racists of the Spanish national basketball team. And when I pointed out the racism of the Spaniards, he quickly went to this... (Read it to the best of your ability. I know it's difficult, but he's been out of the US for some time now.)

"ok.. first, we are the racist people? i remember i´ve seen on tv how owen, the US guy that won 4 golds on the olympics of berlin 1936 telling to US channels that Hitler was better person with black people than all us white people!, plus we were the first empire to abolish slaverty, the US did it 150 years later... plus i´ve learn in YOUR OWN COUNTRY how racist you were 40 years ago... remember luter king?! yeah... and you and me know there´s still racism over there... in 2008! Spain never was, it is not, and will never be racist... and in second point, if the referee would punish you with (i don´t know how to say it in english) the 2 walks everytime the game start¿? we would beat you by 20 points! it is time for you to learn the real RULES!... and by the way... just for you to remember... we are the world championship!"

I had to remind this young lad that I never said the US isn't a racist nation. In fact, if you watch any major news network's coverage of the Obama campaign, you'll see it laced with stereotypes and be awed at the "experts" racializing his run at the presidency. At least once you'll hear someone "mistakenly" call him "Barack Osama," a clear attempt to mark Obama as the "other," as the "different," as the "un-American." Still, in all my studies on race in the United States, I don't remember ever reading about a "luter king."

After speaking with a translator, it appears that Binny is also upset with the US team violating rules of some kind. Not that Olympic referees are any good, but I think if the US team violated any FIBA rules, the refs (one "f") would have called it. For instance, the FIBA court is smaller than an NBA court, so if the US player goes out of bounds by a foot, such an infraction is hard to miss. Even for Olympic basketball refs.

Maybe my favorite is the "Spain never was, it is not, and will never be racist" line. Obviously, Binny has selective memory, because he doesn't seem to remember in 2006 when, and I'm paraphrasing from NPR, the Spanish government had to craft a new law to fight racism in sports after several black soccer players were the targets of insults and attacks. Such a selective memory would serve Bicente well if he ever decides to venture into politics.

That's it for the Olympics folks, hope you enjoyed my miserable attempt at covering them. Now that I have nothing to write about, I'll go back to posting old things I have written because new ideas are soooooo hard to come up with!

Olympics Update IX

2008-08-21T21:29:00.007-05:00

I'm finally fully moved in! But I've missed a lot more and the closing ceremonies are almost upon us! Let's hurry!

#1:
Both USA and China are now into the triple digits! Huzzah!
USA: 36 gold, 38 silver, 36 bronze
China: 51 gold, 21 silver, 28 bronze
Other than that, Russia broke 50 medals, but no other country has. Are there even any more medals to give away? Men's indoor volleyball? (If it's already over, don't tell me who won.) Go Lloy Ball! Fort Wayne power!

#2:
You know what, the Olympics are pretty much over, fuck this number system.

-Bryan Clay wins the decathlon and legitimately earns the title of World's Greatest Athlete. And fuck you, NBC, for letting me see this much of it!

-Phil "Shrek" Dalhausser and his nearly faceless partner dominated Brazil in the third set for the men's beach volleyball gold. Just like Lloy Ball dominated in the men's indoor final! I accidentally found out they won. :(

-Allyson Felix wins gold in the 4x400 relay, thanks to an amazing anchor leg run by Sanya Richards. The US men won their 4x400 relay too, even with that slowpoke Jeremy Warner anchoring the team. The United States' 4x100 teams were too busy sobbing to watch.

-Three races, three golds, and three world records. Usain Bolt is not the new Michael Phelps; Usain Bolt is the first Usain Bolt. (He doesn't even pee on homeless people!) Look out London, Bolt's coming back for more.

-Cuba's Angel Matos, going for the bronze in Taekwondo in the 80kg weight class, was disqualified after taking too much injury time. His response? Hi-yah! He kicked the referee in the head and then started pushing around the nice, blue-blazered men who were trying to calm him down. I'd put the video on here, but I doubt it'd stay up. Just google the hell out of "Angel Matos video" and you'll eventually find it. It was a really weak kick, no wonder the guy was only going for a bronze.

-BMX racing in the Olympics? Really?! What's next, skateboarding? Dominoes?

What? You thought I forgot?!

¡Motherfuck an España! Ricky Rubio looks like Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job! Dwayne Wade in your motherfucking face!

That was but a snippet of what I was yelling last night at 4 o'clock in the morning, most certainly bothering my neighbors. That game was ass-clenchingly, heart-stoppingly ridiculous. If I see Dwayne Wade within the next week, I'm going to kiss him right on the mouth. He played absolutely out of his mind! Everybody picked up their game and thank goodness they did, because after getting a beatdown earlier and playing with injuries, those dirty, hairy, racist Spaniards made it a game. Few times this year have I been that furious/nervous. What a way to end the Olympics.

Closing ceremonies in, what, like four hours? Go Jimmy Page, go!

Olympics Update Special Edition

2008-08-21T21:10:00.004-05:00

Christian Slater is Henry.
Christian Slater is Edward.
Christian Slater is lame.

If you haven't been watching the Olympics, you haven't been seeing NBC's promos for the newest worst show on television "My Own Worst Enemy." Not since Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles has a unaired program looked so unwatchable. I dare this show to reach 13 episodes.

You get True Romance by a clear mile, Slater, and I'll even give you Broken Arrow because that is watchable action formula, but is there another good movie you've done? Casting you as a mysterious super spy is like casting Kevin Bacon as a dangerous vigilante killer. Oh, wait! That didn't work out either!

Oh, and if this show doesn't use "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit as a theme song, I'm going after David Semel.

Here, here's another one. Awful...

Olympics Update VIII

2008-08-21T16:14:00.007-05:00

I was without internet access for two days! I almost died! Then I went on a mini-vacation and when I finally got back to the real world, turns out I've missed a lot. Not only is Bigfoot not real, but Amanda Beard thinks Michael Phelps is hideous! Let's catch up on all the action with an Olympic-sized post!

#1:
The United States is poised to be the first country to break the 100 medal mark as they currently have 95. China will follow soon after, as they hold 83 medals, but even more impressive is that China almost has as many gold medals as Russia, who is third in the medal count, has total medals. With so many medals to win during the summer games, you'd think third place would have more than 51. Embarrassing performances from all major countries except China and the US.

#2:Tom Biscardi looks like a total asshole (as if a professional Bigfoot hunter didn't already look like a total asshole) after Joe Bob and Bob Jim from Ballsac, Georgia revealed that their I-found-Bigfoot's-dead-carcas gag was just a big scam. I'm kinda bummed, but not in the least surprised by this turn of events, and it goes to show everyone that while maybe some mythical creatures or paranormal activities aren't out of the realm of possibility, backward-ass rednecks are dirty liars. This is just one of the reasons backward-ass rednecks are universally hated, by the way. Apparently, these two brothers/father and son/uncle and grandpa bought a Bigfoot costume on the Internets (Rednecks know how to use the Internets?) and stuffed it with roadkill and "slaughterhouse leftovers". This brings us to another reason we all hate white trash, they are willing to handle and bag slaughterhouse leftovers. Too bad, MonsterQuest. You almost had something.

#3:
More gymnastics controversy! (Only some of it legitimate.) Yes, Anastasia Liukin got a raw deal on the uneven bars. If you're going to drop high and low scores to eliminate some type of judging error, your tiebreaker cannot be just adding those scores back in. Why remove the high and low scores in the first place, then? The process becomes self-defeating. Elsewhere, on the vault, Alicia Sacramone (who has one hell of a left hook) didn't deserve the bronze. It's sad she couldn't redeem her performance from the team competition with a medal, even if it was only a bronze, but the system is based on averages. Cheng Fei did a great first vault, a terrible second vault, and the average was better than Sacramone's two okay vaults. The way to fix these situations? Get some judges who know what the hell they're doing. Figure it out, IOC.

With Johnson finally getting her gold on the beam, the best 1-2 gymnastics punch since...sometime, finished this way.
Shawn Johnson - 1 gold, 3 silver
Anastasia Liukin - 1 gold, 3 silver, 1 bronze
Now the only debate left is, which gymnast was hotter? Sacramone or Liukin? And if you're creepy enough, Johnson.

#4:Track and field yielded all kinds of stories, including today! Let's try and cover them all.

-Easily the most crushing story is defending champion Liu Xiang not being able to run the 110m hurdles due to an ankle injury, disappointing himself and an entire nation. I felt so bad for China, because I kept thinking, "What if LeBron James got hurt?" I'd probably cry myself to sleep, at least until the Olympics were over, maybe even after that. With him out, Dayron "Bookworm" Robles won the gold (which he may have won anyway), while US runners David "House of" Payne and David "Watch out for my shoulders!" Oliver picked up silver and bronze, respectively.

-Both the US 4x100m teams (men and women) were disqualified after not being able to pass the baton during the race. Bad Olympics for Tyson Gay. Gotta feel bad for him, too.

-Meanwhile, Usain Bolt continues to make every other sprinter he runs against look like they're at the wrong Olympics. Two gold medals so far, both unheard of world records, and he could pick up another one in the 4x100m finals, especially since the US and Britain are out.

-Another silver to the gorgeous Allyson Felix as she was unable to best Veronica Campbell-Brown.

-Other stuff too. Look it up yourself.

#5:
Wondering if Olympic swimmer and Playboy model Amanda Beard is dating Michael "Eli Manning" Phelps? In a hilarious radio interview, she clarified everything, saying "Eww!" three times. Twice when asked is she had kissed and/or held hands with him and once after the radio DJ (whose is a fucking loser, you can tell) said that Michael Phelps had "thought about her a lot." She later said she was joking around, but really, if you look at Phelps from the neck up, "Eww!" is a correct response. Pay no attention to the title, she did not call Phelps "nasty," rather the thought of Phelps masturbating to her was nasty.

#6:
Not since the ERA have US women been so forceful. Misty May and Kerri Walsh repeated as gold medalists against the Chinese; a match in which they wore white bikinis in the rain. If you missed it, the replay will air all this week on Cinemax after 11:30pm. The women's soccer team won gold and avenged a World Cup loss against Brazil in a most exciting game. Hope Solo then called Greg Ryan and told him to eat shit. Undefeated Cuba was upset by the US women's indoor volleyball team, but number one ranked Brazil is next in the gold medal match. Good luck!

Not all US women's teams had success as the once untouchable softball team was beaten by Japan for the gold. Unfortunate yes, but this brings up an opportunity to bash Europe, so I'm going to take advantage. Baseball and softball are going away for the 2012 games and perhaps beyond since many European IOC members "don't get" the appeal of either sport. Or maybe it's because they can't compete. Or maybe it's because the US does well. Or maybe it's because the IOC wants more "stars" competing instead of playing in Major League Baseball. Does this mean if America had more IOC members that soccer, taekwondo, judo, wrestling, fencing, equestrian, rowing, water polo, synchronized swimming, and a host of other sports wouldn't be included since we don't like them and don't see any big names? EU? More like Pee-yew!

#7:
USA basketball rules!

#8:
Ping pong isn't really supposed to be sexy. On the other hand, exploiting women's bodies is a pastime as old as hating immigrants.

I think I've run out of things to say for now.

Olympics Update VII

2008-08-16T00:57:00.006-05:00

Woop! Woop! Woop! That's not just the sound of the Michael Phelps siren, it's me being excited that swimming is over! (Please say it's over!)

#1:
Friday night, I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted Phelps to win his 7th gold medal in the 100m butterfly. On the one hand, I really wanted to see him beat the hell out of everyone and win gold for the US, but NBC's Phelps Fever is getting so annoying that it'd almost be nice for them to have to admit he's actually a human being, not a god. During the last 25m I shouted, "Get it, boy!" And he did! (Well, it was more of a mix between him getting it and Cavic losing it, but who cares?)

This turn of events leads me to believe that, in fact, I am responsible for Michael Phelps' success. I knew there was a reason I didn't particularly like him; he's stealing all my glory! I don't want to get too closely associated with him however, people may start to think I peed on that homeless man.

After winning his 8th gold, a feat I once thought impossible, I am ready to finally admit that swimming is boring and it had better be over. (Seriously though, incomprehensible what Phelps has done and he has earned his title as the greatest swimmer in history and one of the best Olympians of all-time. Not the best, but he's put himself in the conversation.)

In related news, NBC is changing its logo from the famed peacock to a silhouette of Michael Phelps. Andrea Kremer will proceed to *blank* it. (Put in whichever verb you please, just remember that she loves superstar athletes.)

One more swimming bit, Dara Torres comes out of Beijing all kinds of silvery. MILFs everywhere rejoice.

#2:
Enough about Phelps, let's take a gander at the medal count.
USA: 17 gold, 18 silver, 22 bronze
China: 27 gold, 13 silver, 9 bronze
Whilst we may lead overall, however, with more bronze medals than both gold and silver, China is really winning the medal race.

#3:
It took forever for me to see the men's 100m dash, due to NBC wanting to put the race in prime time. You had Michael Phelps! What more do you need?! Therefore, I accidentally discovered that Usain Bolt won the race more than 12 hours before I saw it. Actually, he didn't win the race, so much as he dominated the balls off it. He set the world record while decelerating for the last 15 meters! Unheard of! Truly a runner of epic proportion.

#4:
Broadcasting the entire women's marathon or broadcasting any more than five minutes of the men's 20km walk: which deserves to claim the title as biggest waste of airtime? Even though the marathon was over 2 hours long, I'm going with five minutes of speed walking. It's hilarious up until that point, but then it gets sad. Why don't they just take up running? They're so close! Another reason I dislike it, besides the obvious ridiculousness, is because apparently everyone cheats, but most don't get called for it because it's not visible to the naked eye. Kinda like steroids, but I don't see any congressional hearings on lifting!

#5:
The Redeem Team put its proverbial cock down the proverbial throat of Team España in a 119-82 televised mouth-raping. The Gasols looked uglier than ever and Calderon proved his worthlessness. Elsewhere, China beat Germany to advance into the quarterfinals! "How'd this happen?" you ask? Well, anytime Chris Kaman is on your team you're bound to suck. Chris Kaman is a loser. Just an awful basketball player.

#6:
Federer won something! Holy cow! He should just take up doubles indefinitely. Unfortunately, James Blake lost which puts a damper on the Olympics for me. Know what else puts a damper on the Olympics for me? Airing Olympic tennis.

Show me something worth watching, NBC!

Olympics Update Special Edition

2008-08-15T14:41:00.005-05:00

Taekwondo, judo, and wrestling. Why are they so damn difficult to broadcast? And because of your lousy Olympics coverage, NBC, I missed Ara Abrahamian making the most defining statement in any Olympics ever! Jesse Owens in 1936? Close, but no cigar.

Angry after his defeat in the 84 kg weight class of the Greco-Roman wrestling semi-finals, Abrahamian stormed the judges table and had to be physically restrained by teammates. Now, I did not see the match (more like, Nonsensical Bullshit Coverage!) but Abrahamian not only thought he won the match, but that the judges had been corrupted. Whether the judges were influenced by outside sources, had a vendetta against Abrahamian, or just believed he lost is of no consequence, because the real story here is what the Swedish wrestler did at the medal ceremony. (Watch here!)

After the lowliest of medals had been placed around his neck, Abrahamian shook hands with fellow bronze medalist Nazmi Avluca (It's a shame that some great competitions feel the need to give out two bronze medals. Gross!) and proceeded to walk away, leaving his bronze medal on the mat. He retired from the sport, claiming that he considered this Olympics a failure having not won gold. At last, a guy with his head on straight!

Nobody comes to win a bronze! Firstly, it's a disgusting color, not to mention that it's not even a real metal! Do you see it on the Periodic Table? No! If it's not a real metal, it's not a real medal. And I'm glad to finally see someone with the guts to do what everyone else thinks of doing. Leave that shit right where it belongs! On the ground! Or in the garbage, but I guess there wasn't a trash can nearby.

Olympics Update VI

2008-08-14T23:57:00.016-05:00

I missed but a day and I feel so far behind. Bigfoot's in a fucking freezer!

#1:
Medal count time!
USA: 14 gold, 12 silver, 17 bronze
China: 22 gold, 8 silver, 6 bronze
Kyrgyzstan: 1 silver, 1 bronze
(Why not Kyrgyzstan? Nobody else is stepping up. I have faith in the Kyrgyzstanians.)
And fear not US loyals, when track and field starts we will stop picking up the chocolate wrapped in bronzed foil and start winning some real shiny shit.

#2:I just watched the women's individual all-around and I was riveted! Shawn Johnson pulled that floor routine out of her muscley midget behind and came up with a silver medal! That's the kind of determination and courage I like to see from athletes who just will not accept a bronze. And I have to congratulate Anastasia Liukin (beautiful name!) on winning the gold with some exceptional performances! Side note: I have considered being Anastasia for Halloween, and now if that were to happen (I'm not doing it by myself Shawn and Alicia!) I would have a lovely golden medallion to hang 'round my neck. Congratulations ladies!

#3:
Yeah, yeah. Michael Phelps won another gold. So did Rebecca Soni. So did Lochte (who also won a bronze in that Phelps race). Oh, and Peirsol won a silver and Coughlin won a bronze. I'm tired of swimming, can we see something different please?! Anything! How about American Matthew Emmons picking up the silver in men's 50m rifle prone. (Maybe that was on, I have no idea. I was out roller-coastering.) By the way, came up with a hilarious joke.

Q: Do you know why I couldn't reach my drink?
A: Because I put it on a roller coaster!

#4:
The Redeem Team creamed a warm load of ouzo on the face of Greece's national team. Chris Bosh as a leading scorer?! I must say, I am very disappointed to have missed this. It sounds like we played a tight, cohesive game. LBJ ripped it up as usual, not to mention Kobe Bryant. I'd also like to commend Dwyane Wade for yet another remarkable performance. So glad he's playing like his old self again. Next up are Los Pendejos Españoles (hope I said that correctly), who may not receive such a polite welcome from the ever-gracious Chinese crowd. They love us and probably hate Spain. At least they should.

#5:
Did I forget to mention that Michael Phelps once peed on a homeless guy?

#6:I didn't stay up to watch all of the men's gymnastics, but I did see Yang "Moose Ears" Wei beast it up for awhile, and apparently nothing changed after I was in La La Land. He won the gold and some other guys finished second and third. Until some of these countries catch up, they don't get recognition. Suck on it, Japan!

#7:
Apparently, track and field has started! Huzzah! Watch out for Bryan Clay and watch out for the men's 100m race. It may be the best 100m race ever run.

USA! USA! USA!

Olympics Update Special Edition

2008-08-13T17:40:00.011-05:00

Hey Spain, two fucking medals?! And one of them is a bronze?! Are you kidding me?! Don't you know racism doesn't win medals? Disrespecting poor people does! Just look at Michael Phelps!

Let's start with some of Pau Gasol's quotes as he tried to defend the Spanish basketball team's racism.

"If anyone feels offended by it, we totally apologize for it."

That's not a fucking apology. I'm tired of these fake apologies where the apology isn't directed at the action taken or the person/people involved, but at those who were so out of line as to be offended.

Here's what an apology looks like.

"We regret the actions we took and recognize that they are completely unacceptable. It was an error in judgment that I assure you will never be repeated. The decision to pose in such a manner was ours and ours alone and we hope the great nation and the great people of Spain are not looked down upon because of us."

"Some of us didn’t feel comfortable doing it...It was never intended to be offensive or racist against anybody."

Bull-motherfucking-shit. First of all, if you didn't feel comfortable with it, grow a pair and refuse to do it. I'm not comfortable with that ignorant shit and you wouldn't have caught me doing it. And if the sponsor insisted I do it, I'd tell him to suck my balls. If he had a problem sucking my balls, I'd tell him I could grab a razor and cut his fucking eyelids to see how funny he saw it then. Who was this sponsor anyway? Does the KKK endorse the Spanish basketball team? Could be, I know they certainly wouldn't endorse the Redeem Team.

As far as the "never intended it to be offensive" nonsense, of course you did. You think it's funny that Asian people's eyes look different than your own. It's aggravating that you think that, but it's just bigotry. I see and hear that shit every day. Be a racist, fine. I know some people you could hang with. But what pisses me off more than anything, is a racist who attempts to cover up blatant racism with illogical bullshit.

Not to mention Pau said this.

"It was supposed to be a picture that inspired the Olympic spirit."

Please.

So fuck Pau Gasol and fuck his fat ass brother while you're at it. Let's move on to Jose Calderon, who just may be the stupidest motherfucker on the planet Earth. (And by the way, Jose, I will not be accenting your name because I do not have that much respect for you.)

"From here I would like to declare that we have a huge respect for the East and their people, some of my best friends in Toronto are from China"

No you don't. If you had any respect for them you wouldn't have done it. And may I say, the "I'm not a racist, some of my best friends are..." routine is a laughable defense. Just plain embarrassing. When is the last time anybody even bought that line? You can have all the Chinese friends you want, but if they don't know how you speak about them, their people, and their culture when their backs are turned, then they're probably not really your friends. Oh, and that also makes you a racist.

Shame also goes out to the IOC, who in an effort to kill whatever controversy arises, said this...

"We understand that the Spanish team intended no offense and has apologized. The matter rests there as far as the I.O.C. is concerned."

Of course it does. Because you have no spine. All you care about is taking away medals from innocent people whose teammates cheated. I think the IOC is taking bribes again from whatever "sponsor" (if one even exists) that requested the Spanish basketball team "slant your eyes like you were stupid Chinamen." (Not actually a quote, but what I imagine had to be the phrase uttered before the picture was taken.)

Now let's hear (or just read) Jason Kidd's quotes as he drops some science.

"We would've been already thrown out of the Olympics...At least, we wouldn't have been able to come back to the U.S."

Kidd also said that there would have been suspensions for US players and that it sets a double standard when (he knew nothing would happen) Spain would not be punished. He's exactly right. Why have we infantilized the Spanish players, suggesting perhaps they didn't know any better? It's a ridiculous argument.

In closing, Spanish national team, I hope your plane crashes on the way back home. And then during the funeral procession, I hope there is a horrible car accident and your mothers all die in a fire. While your children watch. And, yes, I meant that to be offensive. (You see? Not that hard!)

I gave it a shot! Haha!

Oh, and kiss your 2016 Olympics goodbye, Spain. Chicago's got that shit on lock.

Olympics Update V

2008-08-13T01:42:00.006-05:00

Michael Phelps was on another relay team that broke a world record and won a gold medal! But fuck those other guys, Michael Phelps is the man! Whoo! Personally, I say "Big deal!" I'll be more impressed if he learns how to properly urinate. It's called a toilet, Michael, not a homeless man.

#1:
I'm tired of Michael Phelps being called the greatest Olympic athlete ever. Is what he's doing incredibly, unthinkably difficult? Yes. Is he the best Olympic swimmer ever? Yeah, I'll give him that too. I mean, he's going to come back in 2012 and win more, so why not give him the title? However, it's so much easier to win multiple gold medals in swimming because they give them away like soup at a homeless shelter. (Don't even think about it, Phelps!) It's not that I hate the guy, in fact, I too am awed by what he's doing, but I think it's best to look at his Olympic career in context instead of mindlessly stroking his cock. (And, what at this point has to be, his massive ego.)

Also, concerning the world records, it's all getting a little silly. Either stop timing the heats because these records fall like dominoes, or put some limitations on the swimsuits. If the record hasn't been broken in the last year and a half, it's going down. Simple as that.

#2: Korea showed absolutely no guts in accepting their first bronze medal. Don't even get on the stand! Fuck that piece of shit! By the way, is any other country interested in stepping up to challenge the dominance of the US and China? Maybe Russia should stop invading sovereign nations and start invading some medal stands. Australia? Don't make me laugh. And the French need to win a gold before they can even be put in 7th place. Ridiculous...

#3:
Calling all cars, be on the look out for a 20 year old white female, five feet and one inch tall, answering to Alicia Sacramone. She is charged with costing the US women's gymnastics team a gold medal. As difficult as it will be, you must resist shooting her on sight for this heinous crime (or hitting on her, because let's be serious...holy shit!)

Okay, so it wasn't all her fault, Johnson and Liukin couldn't stay inside the lines on floor either, and I would cry 10 times out of 10 if put under the unbelievable pressure any of these girls faced. And China's not exactly the worst team to lose to considering most of those girls started doing gymnastics seven to eight years before anyone on the US squad. Let's not blame the fact that not all of the Chinese gymnasts were 16 (clearly they were not) because it's a stupid rule anyway. If they can handle the pressure and the rigors, put 'em through. Hell, Nadia Comaneci was only 14 when she received the first perfect 10 in Olympic history. (Thanks, Kelly!) Sometimes you just don't get the gold. Deal with it.

#4:
The man's name is LeBron James and if the Redeem Team has any shot of beating Greece, who at this point looks like much tougher competition than Spain, they have to get him the ball. I'm not worried about Kobe, he won't shoot that poorly again, and to be honest, that whole "Angola" game was bullshit anyway. It's hard not to play down to the competition when the competition is so poor. The IOC should have just given us the win and let our guys scrimmage.

Don't expect an update tomorrow night, I need some sleep for Cedar Point on Thursday. So go ahead and don't expect one Thursday.

USA! USA! USA!

Olympics Update IV

2008-08-11T23:43:00.004-05:00

Hey, US men's gymnastics team, I don't care how many people on your team got hurt, you do not brag about a bronze medal. Ever. I hope you drown in that river!

#1:
The US is closing the medal gap! We almost have as many bronze medals as China has golds! Whoo! Actually, in the overall medal count, we are on the positive side of the gap with 20 medals to China's 16. Korea is in third with 10 medals, but they're doing it the right way. No bronze medals. Way to go, Korea!

#2:
Aaron Peirsol won a gold medal in the men's 100m backstroke.
Natalie Coughlin won a gold medal in the women's 100m backstroke.
Leisel Jones won a gold medal in the women's 100m breaststroke.
Michael Phelps won a gold medal in the men's 200m freestyle. (And later peed on a homeless man.)
Come on, NBC! I'm drowning in the swimming coverage!
[Two drowning jokes in one post? He's clearly running out of material.]

#3:
Jin Jong-oh from the Republic of Korea captured the gold in men's 50m pistol. And in doing so, he joins the other shooting medal winners, both men and women, in achieving greatness in the least athletic sport in the Olympics. Yes, even a 600 pound lump of flesh could fire a gun at a target. What this fatty couldn't do is sit on a horse (or the horse would die), try to sail (or the boat would sink), attempt archery (the giant belly wouldn't allow it), or play handball (because the ball looks yummy). Let's face it, team handball is possibly the easiest sport ever invented, but it does take athleticism.

#4:I didn't find much worth discussing today. I watched some archery, I watched some badminton, I watched the US blow it against the Netherlands in soccer. Pretty boring day as far as I'm concerned. What I did find, however, is this picture of Kerri Walsh's abs. Holy shit.

USA basketball on in less than 6 hours! What am I doing up?!

Olympics Update III

2008-08-10T22:32:00.008-05:00

That faint whimpering you heard at the end of Day 2 was French swimmer Alain Bernard. You're lucky, Pierre, it could have been worse. Michael Phelps could have peed on you like you were some kind of homeless man. (Or maybe the homeless man was French, and having no continual access to water, he asked Phelps to pee on him to regain his natural odor. Perhaps I've grossly misjudged Michael Phelps...)

#1:

More than one billion people saw the dominance of LeBron James and I couldn't have been happier. Outside of poor shooting throughout the first half, that is the best I have seen the team look on both offense and defense. I gained a lot of respect for China, but I'm not sure they will get out of group play. Argentina was upset by Lithuania, but neither team was impressive. Good news for the Redeem Team.

#2:
China's female gymnasts outperformed the US team, but the way I see it, any added pressure to the Chinese team will benefit the United States. Johnson and Liukin dominated the balance beam, but both failed to score over a 16. Preposterous! I'm no expert in scoring gymnastics, but I know enough to say for sure that Johnson's small step on the dismount is hardly an execution deduction of .925. What else did she do wrong on that routine? I'm none too worried about it though, Liukin got her fall out early, I don't think she'll do anything like that again.

#3:
Speaking of scoring, how the fuck do you win in equestrian? They were just riding around!

#4:
Apparently they started the Judo, but I have yet to see any. I didn't see the men's individual epee either. Get on the damn ball, NBC. Rowing, water polo, synchronized diving, equestrian, and more swimming? Put something decent on TV! I mean, I can only watch Côte d'Ivoire so long before I start missing Drogba. May and Walsh are on tomorrow. That'll help.

Too motherfuckin' soon

2008-08-10T03:08:00.006-05:00

R.I.P. Bernie Mac

Olympics Update II

2008-08-09T17:13:00.004-05:00

Day 1 of official Olympic action is over and the USA is in the lead! As if there was any doubt! I don't like that we have four bronze medals, however. Do better America.

#1:
Michael Phelps won his first gold medal in the 400m IM and broke his own world record! He celebrated by hugging his family, high-fiving his friends, and peeing on a nearby homeless man. What can you say, the guy loves everything gold. (Thanks, Tynan!) Another swimming update, Dara Torres, at 41 years of age, helped the US team nab a silver in the women's 4x100m freestyle relay. Way to go, Nana Torres! Give that dirty bronze to the Aussies!

#2:The US sweeps in women's individual sabre, proving once again that fencing is sooooo awesome to watch! I could do without the screaming though. I've done some sabre, but I'm really waiting for the foil bouts. It will remind me of how great I was as a fencer.

#3:
My condolences to US men's volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon and his family after a crazed Chinese citizen attacked McCutcheon's wife's parents. My angry fist-shaking at any news outlet (you know who you are!) who covered the story as an "Olympics attack." It was not an Olympics attack, but an attack at the Olympics. They are different things. Both saddening, but completely different.

#4:Big beach volleyball upset as Shrek and Mr. Nearly Nonexistent (Dalhausser and Rogers) played like (volley)balls and were outshone by some young Latvian upstarts. Another beach volleyball upset on the women's side with megastars Misty May and Kerri Walsh. Mostly me being upset that their bikinis stayed on. And in the erotic, yet very disturbing picture above, President Bush showing once again that he is the only US president to attend a beach volleyball game...EVER! A clear sign of progression from the days of President Taft. Taft hated beach volleyball!

I have to get to bed, USA basketball is coming on in 7 hours!

USA! USA! USA!

The Parker Brothers are blushing

2008-08-08T20:29:00.003-05:00

Recently, my friends and I played (and I use that word loosely) a game of Scrabble in which we tried to only put down offensive words or phrases. Here is the final list of plays.

Whore (which became Asswhore)
Vaginar (the southern pronunciation of vagina)
Queer (Used, of course, in the most uplifting way possible. Congratulations, gay people, on taking that word back!)
Bulge (which became Bulger because we had an R to use)
Rim (as in rim job)
Voink (a made-up euphemism for...well, anything dirty really.)
Labia (hilarious in a purely scientific fashion)
Lube (Lube.)
Clit (Took us forever to find it. Its place on the board that is! Ha!)
Tity (a deliberate misspelling of Titty - we needed the other T for something funnier)
Twat (for our English friends)
Head (as in oral sex)
Toed (inside joke for us, but I think you can figure it out)
Jizz (which became Jizzbag)
Muff dive (as in oral sex)
Mojos (the only non-dirty word on the board, but any word pronounced correctly can be filthy)
My pooner (just very enjoyable)
Ooesexn (as in "Oooh Eee! Sexing!")
I eat cunts (pretty self-explanatory)
and lastly...
Real Dongy Dik Pee (really the coup de grâce of the board, so long we had to hook it down)

Oh, and in an earlier game, we played "I blows gay dongs." Too many letters, I know, but we made an exception.

Olympics Update

2008-08-08T19:48:00.008-05:00

It's my 2nd Olympics! And it's an Olympics that actually means something no less! Eat it, Torino!

#1:The opening ceremonies of the Beijing games were mind-bendingly awesome. I enjoyed the artistic retelling of Chinese history and it was only aided by the commentators shitting on the country. During the opening drumming sequence, I only saw one guy who was late on his cues, but thankfully he was immediately replaced and escorted out of the country. Crack security staff!

#2:
The story I'm most interested in this Olympics is the Redeem Team. USA basketball finally got their shit together, but after having seen all of the exhibition games, I'm still a little nervous. It won't mean much coming from one of his biggest fans, but LeBron James has to lead the team in minutes. He's easily the biggest threat when he's on the court. And Krzyzewski, why are you coaching like you're Mike Davis? Cut it out!

#3:
All eyes are on Michael Phelps to see if he can make it through the Olympic games without peeing on any homeless people. Oh, and also because he's going for 8 gold medals. I do not think he will accomplish this feat for the simple fact that it's too damn hard. (I don't want to get legal threats -for the third time- so don't even think about denying it, Phelps. I got witnesses!)

#4:
As I get older, the female gymnasts stay the same age, which means I can't find gymnastics sexy anymore. Well, I'm not supposed to anyway. Now I guess I'll have to appreciate these athletes for their unbelievable combination of grace and power. What a gip.

#5:
In other news...

-Unfortunately, since this is the Summer Olympics, I won't get the chance to hear the Canadian national anthem very much.

-I better not catch any commentators saying "an historic..." That shit drives me crazy! I know if you look it up it'll say that since both "a historic" and "an historic" are used, each are acceptable. But let us not forget that universal truth is not measured in mass appeal. (Thanks Mr. Coronel!) "Teacher, hand me an history book please." Does that sound right to you? That's because it's not! And it never was! And it never will be!

-Watch out for pollution!

USA! USA! USA!

All we want are the facts, ma'am. I mean, sir.

2008-08-08T19:33:00.007-05:00

Before the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics posts begin, I wanted to inform everyone (And that means you, "anonymous" surfer!) that fellow writer Mr. Swanson, who last blogged about the hazards of blogs, is a bona fide journalist. I probably missed a story or two, but take some time and read the beginnings of the next Lara Logan. (Only if she was an equally attractive man.)

Memorial packs 60 games into 3 days

Fort Wayne's best tee off

Being Cubs fans runs in the family

ThrowbacKomedy

2008-08-06T00:20:00.008-05:00

Starbucks has been all over the business sections recently, so I figured for my second throwback piece, I'd feature a feature I wrote on the Chantico for the Snider Scroll, my high school newspaper. Not being a consumer of Starbucks, I never had the pleasure of enjoying a Chantico, but it still saddens me to know it apparently has not been served for some time.

The reason I'm a journalism major and the reason I continue to write has a lot to do with Pamela O'Reilly and her acceptance of me into her newspaper class having not taken the prerequisites. I will always be indebted to her for whatever success I may find in writing. I believe this was the second or third story I wrote for her (circa October/November 2004) and it brings back some fond memories.

(I forget what headline preceded this article.)

Starbucks is cool. They are so cool, that they alone decide what is and what is not cool. Don't believe it? Who else could make paying six dollars for a cup of coffee cool? Arthur Fonzarelli couldn't even pull that off.

So what's cool now? Fat. That's right, Starbucks has created a new product called the Chantico, named for the Aztec goddess of the hearth. Pronounced (shank-tee-ko), this chocolate drink is steamed with cocoa butter and whole milk and a six ounce cup has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, and 51 grams of the dreaded carbohydrates. It's like a candy bar without all of that chewing nonsense. Because chewing isn't cool.

Nutritionists advise against Chantico.

"This should be a very occasional treat--like maybe on your 100th birthday," Neal Barnard, the author of Breaking the Food Seduction, says.

Starbucks hopes that Chantico will bring in customers later in the day, a problem they continue to have.

Chantico will hit Starbucks' stores on January 8, 2005. The drink will proceed to make Starbucks 80 zillion dollars, thus allowing the company to finally take over the world.

Chantico is the newest of Starbucks imaginative/somewhat pretentious drink ideas. Drinks like the Komodo Dragon blend, for those who have never tasted a monitor lizard. Or try the Christmas blend, which combines Indonesian and Central American coffees with the secret ingredients of mistletoe and the souls of elves. Another delicious beverage to sample is the Ethiopia Yergacheffe, for something that tastes like it doesn't make sense.

If any of these treats sparked your interest in Starbucks, for the nearest location, look outside your window.

Chantico is not just a dessert; it is an attempt to further fatten up the American public. This is merely Stage One. Starbucks will introduce Chantico and the public will immediately be addicted. Starbucks will then design a treadmill. They will tell people the treadmill is cool and everyone will buy it. With the added profits, Starbucks will build a store on the sun so they can literally become the center of the universe.

Starbucks may be an evil conglomerate, but they must receive some credit. If Starbucks did not exist, office productivity all over America would plummet. Starbucks is responsible for waking up millions of people every day. Who would want to go outside knowing that the people driving to work did not get their morning caffeine rush? Teachers wouldn't be able to teach, police officers wouldn't be able to police, and soccer moms would become even more violent.

But it's not just enough to taste Starbucks; I need to hear them too. All the time. My wish was granted on August 3, 2004, as XM Satellite radio and Starbucks formed an unholy alliance.

"Hear Music, the Voice of Music at Starbucks, is dedicated to helping you discover your next favorite artist," the Axis of Evil said in its press release.

This partnership, at long last, puts an end to my once-ongoing problem. You see, I find it tedious listening to music, trying to decide what CDs to buy. I would much rather listen to and buy and do exactly what Starbucks tells me. They know what's cool.

Once a quaint little coffee shop at Pike Place Market in Seattle, Starbucks rose to uncharted levels. Uncharted because charts aren't cool. Starbucks says so.

(I even found one of the old sources I used for this story!)
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2004-10-13-starbucks-chocolate_x.htm